The Best 74 Mary Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Mary jokes. There are some mary joseph jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mary mary had a little lamb puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Mary Jokes and Puns
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.
My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?
Her wine broke.
Why can't a lesbian diet and wear make up at the same time?
Because..........It is hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.
A lady went into the hairdressers in Ashington (NE England)...
The hairdresser asked her what she'd like done.
"I'd like a perm please."
Somewhat puzzled the hairdresser began "Mary had a little learm..."
Three nuns
Sisters Anne, Mary, and Teresa are driving across the country when they are in a car crash and all die tragically.
In heaven, the three of them are standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter is standing before them. He says to them, "Sisters, I understand that you are all women of faith, and I would be more than happy to let you into heaven without hesitation, but as it is the rules, I must ask you each one question that you must answer correctly before I can let you enter"
The nuns all agree and Sister Anne steps forward first.
"Sister Anne, what was the name of the first man?"
She barely misses a beat before announcing happily "Adam!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and she enters.
Sister Mary then steps forward and St. Peter asks her, "Sister Mary, what is the name of the first woman?"
"Eve!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and Sister Mary enters heaven.
St. Peter then addresses Sister Teresa, "Teresa, what is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam?"
Sister Teresa thinks for a minute... two minutes... three minutes.. then mutters to herself "That's a hard one..."
*Gong!*
What do transvestites do at Christmas?
Eat, drink and be Mary.
Mary and Sue are discussing good-looking boys in their high school.
Mary asks "Have you seen that new Mexican kid Amal Garcia?"
"Garcia?" Sue responds. "No, but I think I've seen his brother Juan"
Mary replies "They're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
Why were Mary and Joseph considered such good businessmen?
Because they produced such a great prophet.
So there's this girl named Mary...
1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet
Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?
He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.
You can explore mary magdalene reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mary francis dad jokes. There are also mary puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
LESBIAN DIET
Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.
Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."
If Mary had aborted Jesus...
would he have reappeared in her womb three days later?
Marylou
One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" cried the husband.
"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
"Your horse called."
What does a Transvestite do on Xmas day?
Eat, drink and be Mary.
What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.
A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...
He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"
The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"
"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a virgin Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.
Mary nursery rhyme
Mary had a little watch,
she swallowed it one day.
Then Mary took a laxative
to pass the time away.
Well, time went on and time went on,
and time still wouldn't pass.
So, if you want to know what time it is,
just look up Mary's ^brother ^in ^Omaha. ^He's ^got ^a ^Rolex.
ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...
Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.
"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."
"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"
"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"
At catholic school...
A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.
Mary says, "I want to be a prostitute!"
Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?"
Mary says, "I said I want to be a prostitute!"
The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."
$200
Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher said to him "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally, $50 to Susan and $50 to Amy, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer...
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here'sto spending the rest of me Life,
Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
Toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
Prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
Buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
Leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
Best toast in all of Ireland
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
Me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
Night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
Only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
The ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth
He tells the priest that he just had a threesome with two 20 year old girls. Father said "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."
The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"
"I'm 80 years old and just had a threesome," he replied. "I'm telling everyone"
Sister Mary and Sister Francis are riding their bikes from the vestibule to the rectory....
Sister Mary says to Sister Francis, "I've never came this way before!"
And Sister Francis says "It must be the cobble stone street!"
I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite.
All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.
Two nuns in the park...
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"
My 16 year old cousin Mary finally got her period today.
So, that was a tense couple of years for me.
Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere
A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a piss'.
Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal
"Will, You, Mary, Me" = a Foursome Inquiry
Biblical Parenting Techniques
Joseph: What should we do about Jesus acting up in school?
Mary: I don't know it's not like raising the Son of God came with Emmanuel
What are we doing for Easter?
Wife: What are our plans for Easter?
Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.
Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?
Cancer. Mary has cancer.
Little Mary is at her first wedding.
When it's over, she asks her mother, 'Why did the lady change her mind?'
'What do you mean?' asks mother.
'Well,' replies Mary.
'She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.
Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.
"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."
Why did Mary become rich after giving birth to Jesus?
She made a prophet!
True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.
Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.
Mary had a little skirt It was slit right up the sides... And every time she wore that skirt.... The boys could see her thighs.... Mary had another skirt It was slit right up the front....
But she never wore that one.
When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised...
...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.
They call me the Mary Poppins of artillery...
I deliver...
Super-calibre-ballistic-expedient-explosions
If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God,
Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
In a chemistry class, the teacher asks a girl
- Mary, what is H2SO4?
- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.
Quickly, Johnny says:
- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!
I ate at Mary Poppin's Restaurant last night...
Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious
My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a foursome....
All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"
A joke my dad always tells.
Mary Jane was swinging on the swing set when her Mama came out and yelled,
Mary Jane! Don't swing so high! The boys can see your underwear!
But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, because she knew she wasn't wearing any underwear.
Great Easter joke I heard today
**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"
**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."
**Wife**: "What do you mean?"
**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."
**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."
**Husband**: "What do you mean?"
**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"
Husband stayed home all Easter.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.
Two nuns are sitting on a park bench
Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
'That's a filthy habit'
Sister Carol replies: 'blame Sister Mary, she washes the bloody things'.
Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y'all
There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.
So Violet goes to her and asks: Mom, why am I called Violet?
And Mary responds: Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head
Then Rose comes and asks: Mom, why am I called Rose?
And Mary responds: Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head
Then Brick goes and asks: CjfbjabMandmabwlbdkabNbskdbslonvibcdhovtcbxtblvocbjfshkvgdvynv?
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a Bloody Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a tampon out back and want to make tea
If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God...
... does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?...
Will you marry me is a marriage proposal
But
Will. You. Mary. Me. is a foursome proposal
An Irish guy is making chili for a fall cookoff
He just recently immigrated and forgot the recipe back home.
He goes to his wife, 'Mary, I forgot the recipe. How many beans am I supposed to put in?'
Mary responds: '239.'
Why my love?
Mary: any more would be too farty
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the schmuck had a paper route!!
Knock Knock
Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)
Why did the crossdresser love Christmas?
He could eat drink and be Mary
Teenage boys
Two teenage boys go to confession. In the booth the first boy admits having sex with a girl but refuses to name her. The priest asks, 'It wasn't Mary Jones, was it?' The boy says 'No, Father it wasn't'. The priest asks' 'Was it Angela Brown?'. The boy replies 'No, Father. it wasn't. 'It wasn't Jane Carter by any chance?' The boy says 'No father it wasn't' The priest gives up and says 'Well for your penance say fifty Hail Mary's and leave half your pocket money in the poor box.' When the boy leaves his friend asks him how it went. He replies 'Not bad, a $5 fine and three great leads!'
After church on Sundays, the priest always sees parishioners in private. This Sunday, Mary came to him in tears.
What happened? asked the priest?
Oh father, last evening my husband died.
That's terrible! Did your husband have any last wishes?
Yes he did.
What did he say?
I beg of you, Mary. Put down the gun!
BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing 'Rimmel Vibrant Shades' lipstick - she claims it breaks too easily and it makes her breath smell .
She gave the following statement:
The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis ..
How did Mary Poppins die?
Superkalifragilus ketoacidosis
A little boy asked Jesus for a new bike.
He prayed every night.
On the first night, he told Jesus "If you get me a new bike, I will never scream or yell again."
On the second night, he told him "If you get me a new bike, I will be nice to my siblings forever."
On the third night, he told him "If you get me a new bike, I'll do anything you want!"
On the fourth night, the little boy was fed up with Jesus not answering his prayers.
He took a statue of Mary, wrapped it in a blanket, and stuffed it in a closet and locked it. He told Jesus, "If you ever want to see your mother again, you better get me a new bike!"
Sister Mary was just getting out of the shower
Sister Margaret came in and said Sister Mary, there is a blind man here who needs to speak with you
Sister Mary replies, Send him in, the poor blind man is not going to see anything
A minute later the man walks in and says Nice tits Sister. Now tell me where do you want me to hang these blinds?
Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day
Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day. Due to a bureaucratic mistake, Pope goes to hell, Bill Clinton goes to heaven but they correct the mistake after a short time. On their way to opposite sides Bill Clinton and Pope run into each other and start a conversation. Pope talks about how much he wants to meet Virgin Mary and Bill Clinton goes
-You missed that chance by 10 minutes
Mary had a little lamb...
And then the doctor fainted
If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep, she did sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram. Mary had a little lamb.
Passing
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear? "She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night. "The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests? "She says, "That he did, Father... "The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
I remember seeing Bruce Jenner on Wheaties boxes as a kid and wanting to be him.
Apparently he looked at Wheaties boxes and wanted to be Mary Lou Retton
An Irish boy comes home after school. His father asks him how his day went. The boy replies: "I think I'm in love."
His father says: "But that's great, son! Tell me, who are you in love with? Is it Fiona?"
No.
"Is it Mary?"
No.
"Is it Rosy?"
NO, dad... I... I'm in love with Tim.
The father explodes:
"Tim? TIM? My son, why are you doing this to your family?
Tim is Protestant!!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mary mary kay puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working mary mary poppins piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.
