mary Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious mary stories

What are the best Mary puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Mary? Well here is a complete list of Mary to have fun with:

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"



I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school...

The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?"
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin.
Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?"
Again, the boy behind Johnny poked him.
Johnny woke up again and exclaimed, "Mary mother of God!"
"Correct," said the teacher once more.
Johnny fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him one last time, "Johnny, can you tell me what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to their 23rd child?"
The boy behind him poked him once more.
Johnny shot up and shouted, "YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF!"

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Fred and Mary got married

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, tell me what you think?'

He says, 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
__________________

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.

After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meeting the virgin Mary".

To which Clinton replies "You're about five minutes too late"

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What's Mary short for?

She's got no legs.

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If Mary had aborted Jesus...

would he have reappeared in her womb three days later?

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A man with a speech impediment walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender, "Can I have a B,b,b,b,b,bloody Mary?"

"Certainly" replies the bartender.

"I used to have an extremely bad stutter. It had to do with low-sexual self confidence. You seem like a nice guy so I'll tell you the secret to overcoming your stutter."

So the bartender tells him that every day for a week when he went home he got his wife to give him a blowjob.


A week later the same man walks into the bar. "Can I have a B,b,b,b,b,bloody Mary?" he asks.

"Weren't you in here last week?" the bartender asks.

"Y,y,y,y,y,yes I w,w,w,w,w,was." he replied

"Didn't the cure I told you about work?"

"N,n,n,n,n no it d,d,d,d,didn't w,w,w,w,work. B,b,b,b,b,but you have a nice house.


One of my father's all-time favorites

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Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Betty, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

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Married couple

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no"one" is looking, I'll expose 1of my breasts to it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'


Mary then exposes 1 of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'
Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.
Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'

Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ...

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Doctors and nurses

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

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Retrieving Sniffer

Police officers Rosa and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

Rosa replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the sniffer, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

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Little doctor Johnny

A woman brings 10 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that she caught him playing Doctors and Nurses with her 10 year old daughter, Mary.

Johnny's mother says, 'Lets not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.'

'Curious about sex? He's taken her fucking appendix out!'

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Best toast of The night.

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND


Paul O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."


She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

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A busload of nuns goes over a cliff...

A bus load of nuns goes over a cliff in a snowstorm. All the nuns go to heaven and line us at the pearly gates in front of Saint Peter.

Sister Mary is first in line. St Peter asks her "Have you any sins to atone for?" She responds, "Once, I looked at a man's penis." St Peter tells her to splash some holy water on her eyes and enter heaven.

Sister Katherine is next. St Peter questions her likewise "Have you an sins to atone for?" She responds "I have, I gave a man a hand job." St peter tells her to wash her hands and enter heaven.

About this time there is a commotion towards the rear. St Peter quite angrily yells "What's all the commotion back there!" Sister Julie exclaims "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm doing it before Margaret sticks her ass in it!"

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Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

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Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light

...in their car in Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your chest, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

So Sister Mary Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"

Sister Mary Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"

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So there's this girl named Mary...

1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet

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ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...

Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.

"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"

"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."

"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"

"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here'sto spending the rest of me Life,
Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
Toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
Prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,

Sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
Buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
Leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

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A grammatical joke

Two nuns are driving down the road when suddenly a vampire jumps out and onto their hood.

One of the nuns yells at the other, "Sister Mary! Show him your cross!"

She jumps out of the car and screams at the vampire, "GET THE FUCK OFF MY HOOD!"

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At catholic school...

A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.

Mary says, "I want to be a prostitute!"

Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?"

Mary says, "I said I want to be a prostitute!"

The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."

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A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...

He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"

The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"

"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a virgin Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.

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Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?

He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.

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The Best Toast of the Night

Patrick O'Reilly hoisted his beer at his regular pub and offered the following toast: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!"

That won him top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and proudly told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

"Aye, did ye now," said Mary. "And what was your toast?"

Thinking quickly, Patrick said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Patrick!" said Mary.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Patrick won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

"Aye, he told me," said Mary, "and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he'd only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Best vampire joke ever, no really!

2 vampires are sitting at a bar when the bartender asks the first "what'll be?"

To which the vampire replies "ahh, make it a bloody Mary, and double up on the Mary."

The bartender then turns and asks the second vampire, "What I can do for you?"

The second vampire replies, "I'll just have a cup of hot water"

Both the bartender and the first vampire look at him quizzically, "why do you want hot water?"

He then pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, "oh! I making tea."

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Parents' Occupation!

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

"Mary, what does your parents do?"

Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.

"That's very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That's very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.

Little Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."

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"What does she have that I don't?" (Slightly NSFW)

Two patients at an old age home home (let's call them John and Mary), have always been close to one another. One day John tells Mary,

"Since we are such close friends, I hope that you aren't embarrassed by this request. My penis is feeling awfully numb and I was hoping that you would hold it for me."

Mary replies, "Of course, John"
She takes his junk in her hand and they sit there doing nothing else. Over the next few weeks this becomes a regular event. One day Mary finds another woman holding John's penis for him. She is outraged.

"After all this time you replace me so easily with this woman!" she cries.

"What does she have that I don't?".

John smiles at her.

"Parkinson's" he replies.

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Best toast in all of Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
Me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
Night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
Only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
The ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

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How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?

Her wine broke.

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$200

Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher said to him "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally, $50 to Susan and $50 to Amy, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

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Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Fuck him, He's only an egg."

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill.
Went up the hill.
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill.
And now there's little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard.
Went to the cupboard.
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over.
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

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Why can't a lesbian diet and wear make up at the same time?

Because..........It is hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.

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Mary nursery rhyme

Mary had a little watch,

she swallowed it one day.

Then Mary took a laxative

to pass the time away.

Well, time went on and time went on,

and time still wouldn't pass.

So, if you want to know what time it is,

just look up Mary's ^brother ^in ^Omaha. ^He's ^got ^a ^Rolex.

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Little Johnny in creative writing

The teacher start creative writing class by saying, "Today I want you to write a sentence that uses the word 'beautiful' twice".

Susie goes first: "My mom bought me a beautiful dress and I look beautiful in it."

Next, the teacher calls on Mary: "Today is a beautiful sunny day, helping the beautiful flowers to grow."

Thinking, "Little Johnny can't possibly make this ugly", the teacher calls on him. Little Johnny says, "Last night at dinner my sister told us she is pregnant and my Dad said, 'Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful.'"

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So a man is sitting on a plane...

And he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in the aisle. He gets excited as he realizes she is coming to sit down in the seat beside him.
The most beautiful woman he's ever seen is coming to sit down beside him!
Once the woman sits they wait in silence for a moment before beginning to have some small talk.
"Hello..." the man uttered.
"Hi there! I'm Mary Jameson. Nice to meet you. I'm a sexologist."
The man was bewildered by her willingness to let him know her profession.
"Well..." the man said, "what does a... sexologist do?"
"I study the science of sex."
Ecstatic, the man couldn't help but ask for more.
"Such as?"
"Well, for starters," the woman began, "it's a common misconception that black men are the best at what they do. It's actually the Native Americans such as the Cherokee or the Sioux."
"I see" said the man, anxious for more, "anything else?"
"Another mistake people make is thinking the French are the best lovers. It's actually the Irish who are the most intimate." The woman paused. "Oh how rude of me, I've been talking to you and I haven't bothered to ask your name!"
The man outstretched his arm and replied...
"The name's Tanto. Tanto O'Sullivan."

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What do transvestites do at Christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

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A nun walks into a bar

"A bottle of whisky please." The nun asks.

"No, sorry I can't sell whisky to a nun, You understand sis..."

"Mary Clarence." The nun interrupts. "It's not for me, but for mother superior."

The barman let's down his gaurd and agrees. When his shift ends he finds the nun drunk, half naked and dancing in the streets.

"For shame, Mary Clarence! I thought you said the whisky was for mother superior!"

"Oh and it is, she's constipated, but when she sees me she'll shit her pants!"

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Mary Clancy

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears. 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?" 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 

She says, "That he did, Father." 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 

She says, "He said, please Mary, put down that damn gun..." 

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John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant...

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to Mary, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

Mary calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

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If Jesus is the Lamb of God?

Does that mean mary had a little lamb?

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What do you call Mary Janes vagina?

A peter parker.

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LESBIAN DIET

Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.

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What does a Transvestite do on Xmas day?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

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Little Mary earns fifteen dollars

One day, little Mary was coming home from school, and when she came home, she said, "Mom, I got five dollars!"

Her mother said, "Where'd you get the five dollars?"

Mary replied, "Well, little Tommy was up the tree and he asked me to do a cartwheel."

The mother said, "Mary, don't you know that he just wanted to see your panties?.."

Little Mary got mad. She said, "Oooh..." and the next day, she came home with ten dollars.

"Mary, where did you get ten dollars?" said the mother.

"Well, I told you little Tommy was up there," said Mary, and her mother replied, "Mary, didn't I tell you he wanted to see your panties?"

Mary said, "No, Mom, I fooled him! I wasn't wearing any!"

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Mary and Sue are discussing good-looking boys in their high school.

Mary asks "Have you seen that new Mexican kid Amal Garcia?"


"Garcia?" Sue responds. "No, but I think I've seen his brother Juan"

Mary replies "They're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

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Why were Mary and Joseph considered such good businessmen?

Because they produced such a great prophet.

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Mary had a little sheep

Mary had a little sheep
and with the sheep she went to sleep.

The sheep turned out to be a ram
so Mary had a little lamb.

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There was a writer named Wright / And Mary had a little sheep

There was a writer named Wright

He asked his son to write Wright right

He said ' Son, it is not right to write Wright as Rite

Try to to write Wright Aright'.

___________________________

Mary had a little sheep

And with that sheep she went to sleep

That sheep turned out to be a ram

Mary had a little lamb

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Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?

Because Jesus WEPt.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best mary jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty mary gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these mary jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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