Martini Jokes
71 martini jokes and hilarious martini puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about martini that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best espresso martini jokes, dry martini jokes, vodka martini jokes.
Funniest Martini Short Jokes
Short martini jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The martini humour may include short cocktail jokes also.
- A German walks into a bar and says, "can I have a martini please?"
"Dry?"
"No, just one." - [first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me: [staring at all the liquid ingredients] I don't know how to tell you this
- Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a Martini. The bartender asks,"Olive or twist?"
- James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar.
Michael J. Fox is the bartender.
James Bond says "I'll have a martini."
He does not need to specify. - A giraffe walks into a bar, he sits and orders 6 martinis........ Shame on you for wanting a punchline.
This giraffe needs help. - Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on. He is reportedly shaken
- Literary Humor. I ordered a martini with an olive and a twist of lime.
The bartender served it with no olive or twist.
I gave him the Dickens. - I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin... I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin. They brought me 3.
- Michael J. Fox is rumoured to be the next James bond... He'll shake his own martinis and he's got a license to spill.
- Two german tourists walk into an american bar One of them says:
"-We would like a martini please!"
The bartender responds:
"-Dry?"
"-Nein, zwei"
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Martini One Liners
Which martini one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with martini? I can suggest the ones about gin and tonic and vodka.
- 2 Germans in a bar in London \- 2 Martinis, please.
\- Dry?
\- NEIN! ZWEI! - A Martini is like a woman's breast... One is not enough, and three is too many.
- What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a martini? Olive or twist?
- How did the olive feel before it was dropped into a martini? Scared pitless
- What do you call a martini wearing a mask? A Quarentini
- What is a Jawa's favorite drink? Martini
- Michael J. Fox asks 007 if he would like a martini. 007 smiles and says yes. The end.
- How does a barnacle like its martinis? On the rocks.
- What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it? It hurts, but olive.
- How does a drunkard count? One martini, two martini, three martini, floor!
- Kobe Bryant orders a martini to Jalen Rose: Kobe: I'll take it with 81 olives please !
- Michael J. Fox is great at making martinis.. ..but terrible at stealing tambourines.
- What do a baby and a martini have in common? I prefer both of them shaken
- What's the main ingredient in a Jedi martini? Qui-Gon Gin
- How do you make a Snoop Dogg martini? One part Seagrams gin, one part cotton gin.
Dry Martini Jokes
Here is a list of funny dry martini jokes and even better dry martini puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do you put a little umbrella in a dry martini? To keep it from getting wet
Heartwarming Martini Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about martini you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cocktail party jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make martini pranks.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Heard of The Gay Martini?
they're pretty strong. You drink just one and you can't see straight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A new priest is about to give his first sermon...
and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help.
"Well I'll tell you what," says the older priest, "I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."
"Thanks Father!" says the new priest.
After the mass is over, the new priest walks over to the older priest and asks how he did.
"Well... you did a good job for the most part, except for a few things...
-Don't refer to Jesus and his followers as 'The late JC and the boys',
-Don't call the v**... Mary 'Mary the Cherry',
-The Holy Trinity is not 'Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook',
-There's a taffy-pulling contest and St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's,
-And the drive-through confessional is a good idea, but the sign 'toot and tell or go to h**...' has to go."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Favorite Limerick
There once was a fellow McSweeney
Who put some gin on his w**...
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
And slipped his girlfriend a martini
How does Liam Neeson like his martini?
Taken, not stirred.
An elephant and a dog walk into a bar...
The elephant orders a martini, he then looks the the dog and says 'Banana'.
The dog says 'woof'.
The end.
Charles Dickens had writer's block…
He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.
"Olive, or twist?"
What's Chris Martin's favorite drink?
Apple Martini
A nerd walked into my Bio class today sipping a full martini glass...
Me: Why did you decide to bring alcohol into class??
Nerd: I needed to prove that I was more of a daredevil than I get credit for.
Me: Well what's in the glass then?
Nerd: Ahh, its a little cocktail I call the "Jellyfish".
Me: Why do you call it that?
Nerd: Because its 98% water...
A good Martini is alot like a baby, you need to shake it really hard before you consume it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...
bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another. By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives out of it?" the man replies "My wife sent me to the store for a jar of olives but the store was closed."
Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.
Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."
Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.
One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!
A dying lawyer
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
A friend of mine died last friday, while drinking his martini
It's on that day I learnt an important lesson:
Though laughter is the best medicine, in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.
A martini fell down the stairs when it was about to be knighted.
It was shaken, not sirred.
A businessman enters a tavern...
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
A group of celebrities are at a party hosted by Michael J Fox
The night is a huge success and everyone is enjoying themselves. Michael's working the bar when he's approached by Daniel Craig
Daniel Craig: Martini. shaken not stirred
Michael J Fox: *Looks up* There's a difference?
Michael J. Fox walks into a bar
The bartender asks how do you want your martini? Shaken or stirred?
He says nah I got it.
A reindeer walked into a bar in the deep South
He bellied up to the counter, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the $20 bill from the reindeer's hoof. As the bartender handed the reindeer his change, he said,
"You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said,
"Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll ever see in here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the epileptic bartender's signature drink?
v**... martini, shaken not stirred
A Gorilla Walks Into a Bar
the bartender looks at him and can't believe what he's seeing so he goes up to it.
The bartender says:
Can I help you?
G: yeah I'll have a martini please and thanks!
So the bartender makes the gorilla his martini.
He gives the gorilla the martini and in exchange the gorilla gives him $20.
The bartender thinks to himself, he can't be that smart he's a gorilla! So he hands the gorilla a dollar in change.
B: you know we don't get gorillas in here that often
G: for 19 bucks a drink I'm not surprised .
McPherson walked into a bar...
McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.
A pony walks into a bar
Says to the bartender Let me get one Apple martini
bartender leans in closer and says what?
Pony says one. Apple martini, please .
Bartender asks, something about a Bikini?
Pony starts to get a little frustrated but manages to say a little louder now ONE APPLE MARTINI
Bartender said oh! It's hard to hear you, you're a little horse
Tarzan comes home after a hard day and asks Jane to mix him a martini
He's hardly sat down before he's finished it and he asks Jane to mix him another, and being a caring, nurturing mate she does so. Again Tarzan makes it disappear and asks (nicely enough, to be fair) for still another one.
At this, Jane arches a delicate eyebrow and says "Three martinis? Before dinner?"
"Jane, you don't understand," sighs Tarzan. "It's a jungle out there!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An drunk alcoholic walks into a kids' party
He sees all these long lines of children waiting for their rides, snacks etc.
He finally sees some adults holding drinks in their hands and joins them.
He stand there for hours, waiting for the line to move. Finally when his number comes, he asks for a v**... Martini, Shaken not stirred. I have waited so long for this line to end, please make it quick.
The person replies, Sir, I am sorry to inform you.
You waited this whole time for the punch line.
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?"
The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".
The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a f*cking double I'd ask for one!"
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says
I'll have a Martinus.
The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, Don't you mean a Martini?
Look, Caesar replies, If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.
Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
9 martinis
I walked into a bar ,a guy was sitting at a table ,with 9 martinis in front of him . I say ." Jeez man what are you celebrating.?"
He replies " my first b**....".
Me::" congratulations ,bro ,let me buy you another ."
Him :: no thanks ,,if 9 don't get the taste out of my mouth ,I doubt another will help ."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is a traditional joke from my culture. Warning, the humor is a bit different than you're used to
Two men are having dinner. One man orders an uncooked fish, and the other man orders uncooked steak. Both are skeptical of the other's raw food. The fish man then orders a Martini, and the steak man orders pure alcohol. The fish man tells the other man not to drink it. The steak man c**... the alcohol. A few hours later, the steak man is at the hospital. The fish man visits. The fish man tells him that he once pulled a charger out of the wall. The steak man dies.
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.
Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A piano player at a bar has a monkey as a sidekick . . .
. . . who collects tips in a tin can. While the piano player was playing, the monkey squatted over a man's glass and dipped his t**... in the drink.
Infuriated, the man yells at the piano player "Do you know your monkey dipped his b**... in my martini ?!!"
The piano player replies "No man, but hum a few bars and I can probably pick it up."
