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Martini Jokes

89 martini jokes and hilarious martini puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about martini that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best espresso martini jokes, dry martini jokes, vodka martini jokes.

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Funniest Martini Short Jokes

Short martini jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The martini humour may include short cocktail jokes also.

  1. A German walks into a bar and says, "can I have a martini please?"
    "Dry?"
    "No, just one."
  2. [first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me: [staring at all the liquid ingredients] I don't know how to tell you this
  3. Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a Martini. The bartender asks,"Olive or twist?"
  4. A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks "Dry?" The German replies "Nein, just one."
  5. A German asks for a martini… "Dry?" asks the bartender.
    The German, confused: "No, just one."
  6. James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar.
    Michael J. Fox is the bartender.
    James Bond says "I'll have a martini."
    He does not need to specify.
  7. A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?" The German says "Nein, just one"
  8. A giraffe walks into a bar, he sits and orders 6 martinis........ Shame on you for wanting a punchline.
    This giraffe needs help.
  9. A German man walked into a bar He waved at the bartender saying "Ja, can I get a martini?"
    "Dry?" the bartender asked
    "No, just one for now."
  10. Ancient Roman walks into a bar… Says to the bartender i will have a martinus
    Bartender says you mean martini
    The roman says no, just one

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Martini One Liners

Which martini one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with martini? I can suggest the ones about gin and tonic and vodka.

  1. 2 Germans in a bar in London \- 2 Martinis, please.
    \- Dry?
    \- NEIN! ZWEI!
  2. A Martini is like a woman's breast... One is not enough, and three is too many.
  3. What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a martini? Olive or twist?
  4. How did the olive feel before it was dropped into a martini? Scared pitless
  5. What do you call a martini wearing a mask? A Quarentini
  6. What is a Jawa's favorite drink? Martini
  7. Michael J. Fox asks 007 if he would like a martini. 007 smiles and says yes. The end.
  8. How does a barnacle like its martinis? On the rocks.
  9. What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it? It hurts, but olive.
  10. How does a drunkard count? One martini, two martini, three martini, floor!
  11. Kobe Bryant orders a martini to Jalen Rose: Kobe: I'll take it with 81 olives please !
  12. A German asks for a martini... 
"Dry?" asks the barman.

    He replies, "Nein, just one."
  13. Michael J. Fox is great at making martinis.. ..but terrible at stealing tambourines.
  14. What do a baby and a martini have in common? I prefer both of them shaken
  15. What's the main ingredient in a Jedi martini? Qui-Gon Gin

Dry Martini Jokes

Here is a list of funny dry martini jokes and even better dry martini puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A German tourist visiting the US went into a bar and asked for a martini Dry? asked the bartender. The German replied, Nein, just one.
  • Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this
  • A German man walks into a bar... and orders a Martini.
    The barman asks:
    "Dry?"
    The German replies:
    "No, just one, thank you."
  • A German is in a bar in the US He wants to order something to drink for his wife and him.
    "I'll have two martinis, please."
    "Dry?" asks the bartender.
    "NEIN, I SAID TWO!"
  • I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin... I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin. They brought me 3.
  • Two german tourists walk into an american bar One of them says:
    "-We would like a martini please!"
    The bartender responds:
    "-Dry?"
    "-Nein, zwei"
  • A German walks into a bar . "A Martini please"
    The bartender replied "Dry"
    The German responded "Nein, just ze one please! "
  • Why do you put a little umbrella in a dry martini? To keep it from getting wet
  • A Roman walks into a bar.. ..and asks for a dry martinus.
    "Surely you mean a martini," asks the bartender.
    "If I want a double I'll ask for it, you plebeian s**...," replies the roman.
  • There once was a man named Sweeney.
    He spilled some gin on his w**....
    That being uncouth,
    He dipped it in vermouth,
    And slipped his wife a dry martini.

Vodka Martini Jokes

Here is a list of funny vodka martini jokes and even better vodka martini puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why can't Michael J. Fox have his favorite drink? Because his favorite drink is a v**... Martini, stirred, not shaken.
  • What is the epileptic bartender's signature drink? v**... martini, shaken not stirred
Martini joke, What is the epileptic bartender's signature drink?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about martini can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of martini puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Heartwarming Martini Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about martini you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean cocktail party jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make martini prank.

My Favorite Limerick

There once was a fellow McSweeney
Who put some gin on his w**...
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
And slipped his girlfriend a martini

Charles Dickens had writer's block…

He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.
"Olive, or twist?"

A nerd walked into my Bio class today sipping a full martini glass...

Me: Why did you decide to bring alcohol into class??
Nerd: I needed to prove that I was more of a daredevil than I get credit for.
Me: Well what's in the glass then?
Nerd: Ahh, its a little cocktail I call the "Jellyfish".
Me: Why do you call it that?
Nerd: Because its 98% water...

Many times when I am troubled or confused...

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...

bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another. By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives out of it?" the man replies "My wife sent me to the store for a jar of olives but the store was closed."

A roman centurion walked into a bar,

raised his hand and signed the waiter to get him 2 martini. The waiter gave him 5 instead.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."

Why does James Bond like Michael J Fox?

Because he always gets his martini shaken, not stirred.

Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.

One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!

A dying lawyer

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

How do you make a Snoop Dogg martini?

One part Seagrams gin, one part cotton gin.

Harambe went to a bar

Bartender: What can I get you today?
Harambe: May I get a martini?
Me: Just ice for Harambe.
Harambe: Just ice?
Me: Justice for Harambe.

A friend of mine died last friday, while drinking his martini

It's on that day I learnt an important lesson:
Though laughter is the best medicine, in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.

A group of celebrities are at a party hosted by Michael J Fox

The night is a huge success and everyone is enjoying themselves. Michael's working the bar when he's approached by Daniel Craig
Daniel Craig: Martini. shaken not stirred
Michael J Fox: *Looks up* There's a difference?

Michael J. Fox walks into a bar

The bartender asks how do you want your martini? Shaken or stirred?
He says nah I got it.

McPherson walked into a bar...

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.

A pony walks into a bar

Says to the bartender Let me get one Apple martini
bartender leans in closer and says what?
Pony says one. Apple martini, please .
Bartender asks, something about a Bikini?
Pony starts to get a little frustrated but manages to say a little louder now ONE APPLE MARTINI
Bartender said oh! It's hard to hear you, you're a little horse

Why the big paws?

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Can I get a ...... Martini?"
The bartender replies: "Why the big paws?"

Tarzan comes home after a hard day and asks Jane to mix him a martini

He's hardly sat down before he's finished it and he asks Jane to mix him another, and being a caring, nurturing mate she does so. Again Tarzan makes it disappear and asks (nicely enough, to be fair) for still another one.
At this, Jane arches a delicate eyebrow and says "Three martinis? Before dinner?"
"Jane, you don't understand," sighs Tarzan. "It's a jungle out there!"

A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini

The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?"
The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"

A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".
The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a f*cking double I'd ask for one!"

A Roman centurian walks into a bar

And says to the barman "I'd like a Martinus, please"
The barman says "don't you mean a Martini?"
And the centurion snaps "if I wanted a double I would have asked for one"

A Roman walks into a bar

He asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says

I'll have a Martinus.

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, Don't you mean a Martini?

Look, Caesar replies, If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!

A kangaroo walks into a bar

And orders an espresso martini.
While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:
"don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?"
"Yes, normally he wants ginger beer."

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.

"Do you mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
"Look, if I wanted a double I would have said so."

Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.

Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.

I'm tired of people complaining...

$5 for parking, $3 for coat check, $10 for a martini. I'm not inviting them to my house anymore.

9 martinis

I walked into a bar ,a guy was sitting at a table ,with 9 martinis in front of him . I say ." Jeez man what are you celebrating.?"
He replies " my first b**....".
Me::" congratulations ,bro ,let me buy you another ."
Him :: no thanks ,,if 9 don't get the taste out of my mouth ,I doubt another will help ."

This is a traditional joke from my culture. Warning, the humor is a bit different than you're used to

Two men are having dinner. One man orders an uncooked fish, and the other man orders uncooked steak. Both are skeptical of the other's raw food. The fish man then orders a Martini, and the steak man orders pure alcohol. The fish man tells the other man not to drink it. The steak man c**... the alcohol. A few hours later, the steak man is at the hospital. The fish man visits. The fish man tells him that he once pulled a charger out of the wall. The steak man dies.

A Roman walks into a bar

... and orders a martinus.
The bartender asks, "You mean a martini?"
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?

Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.
Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.

A piano player at a bar has a monkey as a sidekick . . .

. . . who collects tips in a tin can. While the piano player was playing, the monkey squatted over a man's glass and dipped his t**... in the drink.
Infuriated, the man yells at the piano player "Do you know your monkey dipped his b**... in my martini ?!!"
The piano player replies "No man, but hum a few bars and I can probably pick it up."

Literary Humor.

I ordered a martini with an olive and a twist of lime.
The bartender served it with no olive or twist.
I gave him the Dickens.

Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.

He is reportedly shaken

Martini joke, Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini f

jokes about martini

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these martini jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.