The Best 49 Martini Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Martini jokes. There are some martini centurion jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these martini antacid puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Martini Jokes and Puns
What's the main ingredient in a Jedi martini?
Qui-Gon Gin
My Favorite Limerick
There once was a fellow McSweeney
Who put some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
And slipped his girlfriend a martini
How does a drunkard count?
One martini, two martini, three martini, floor!
A Martini is like a woman's breast...
One is not enough, and three is too many.
Charles Dickens had writer's block…
He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.
"Olive, or twist?"
A nerd walked into my Bio class today sipping a full martini glass...
Me: Why did you decide to bring alcohol into class??
Nerd: I needed to prove that I was more of a daredevil than I get credit for.
Me: Well what's in the glass then?
Nerd: Ahh, its a little cocktail I call the "Jellyfish".
Me: Why do you call it that?
Nerd: Because its 98% water...
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...
bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another. By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives out of it?" the man replies "My wife sent me to the store for a jar of olives but the store was closed."
Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.
Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."
Charles Dickens walks into a bar...
and orders a Martini. The bartender asks,"Olive or twist?"
Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.
One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!
You can explore martini margarita reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean martini mixologist dad jokes. There are also martini puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?"
The German says "Nein, just one"
What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it?
It hurts, but olive.
A dying lawyer
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
What is a Jawa's favorite drink?
Martini
Harambe went to a bar
Bartender: What can I get you today?
Harambe: May I get a martini?
Me: Just ice for Harambe.
Harambe: Just ice?
Me: Justice for Harambe.
I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin...
I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin. They brought me 3.
A German asks for a martini...
"Dry?" asks the barman.
He replies, "Nein, just one."
A friend of mine died last friday, while drinking his martini
It's on that day I learnt an important lesson:
Though laughter is the best medicine, in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.
James Bond walks into a bar...
James Bond walks into a bar.
Michael J. Fox is the bartender.
James Bond says "I'll have a martini."
He does not need to specify.
What do a baby and a martini have in common?
I prefer both of them shaken
A German man walks into a bar...
and orders a Martini.
The barman asks:
"Dry?"
The German replies:
"No, just one, thank you."
What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
Olive or twist?
Michael J. Fox asks 007 if he would like a martini.
007 smiles and says yes. The end.
A group of celebrities are at a party hosted by Michael J Fox
The night is a huge success and everyone is enjoying themselves. Michael's working the bar when he's approached by Daniel Craig
Daniel Craig: Martini. shaken not stirred
Michael J Fox: *Looks up* There's a difference?
McPherson walked into a bar...
McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.
Customer: I'll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this
A pony walks into a bar
Says to the bartender Let me get one Apple martini
bartender leans in closer and says what?
Pony says one. Apple martini, please .
Bartender asks, something about a Bikini?
Pony starts to get a little frustrated but manages to say a little louder now ONE APPLE MARTINI
Bartender said oh! It's hard to hear you, you're a little horse
Why the big paws?
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Can I get a ...... Martini?"
The bartender replies: "Why the big paws?"
Tarzan comes home after a hard day and asks Jane to mix him a martini
He's hardly sat down before he's finished it and he asks Jane to mix him another, and being a caring, nurturing mate she does so. Again Tarzan makes it disappear and asks (nicely enough, to be fair) for still another one.
At this, Jane arches a delicate eyebrow and says "Three martinis? Before dinner?"
"Jane, you don't understand," sighs Tarzan. "It's a jungle out there!"
A German tourist visiting the US went into a bar and asked for a martini
Dry? asked the bartender. The German replied, Nein, just one.
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?"
The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?"
"Dry?"
"No, just one."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks "Dry?"
The German replies "Nein, just one."
A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".
The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a f*cking double I'd ask for one!"
A Roman centurian walks into a bar
And says to the barman "I'd like a Martinus, please"
The barman says "don't you mean a Martini?"
And the centurion snaps "if I wanted a double I would have asked for one"
A Roman walks into a bar
He asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says
I'll have a Martinus.
The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, Don't you mean a Martini?
Look, Caesar replies, If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!
What do you call a martini wearing a mask?
A Quarentini
A kangaroo walks into a bar
And orders an espresso martini.
While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:
"don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?"
"Yes, normally he wants ginger beer."
A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.
"Do you mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
"Look, if I wanted a double I would have said so."
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.
Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.
I'm tired of people complaining...
$5 for parking, $3 for coat check, $10 for a martini. I'm not inviting them to my house anymore.
9 martinis
I walked into a bar ,a guy was sitting at a table ,with 9 martinis in front of him . I say ." Jeez man what are you celebrating.?"
He replies " my first blow job.".
Me::" congratulations ,bro ,let me buy you another ."
Him :: no thanks ,,if 9 don't get the taste out of my mouth ,I doubt another will help ."
This is a traditional joke from my culture. Warning, the humor is a bit different than you're used to
Two men are having dinner. One man orders an uncooked fish, and the other man orders uncooked steak. Both are skeptical of the other's raw food. The fish man then orders a Martini, and the steak man orders pure alcohol. The fish man tells the other man not to drink it. The steak man chugs the alcohol. A few hours later, the steak man is at the hospital. The fish man visits. The fish man tells him that he once pulled a charger out of the wall. The steak man dies.
Ancient Roman walks into a bar…
Says to the bartender i will have a martinus
Bartender says you mean martini
The roman says no, just one
A Roman walks into a bar
... and orders a martinus.
The bartender asks, "You mean a martini?"
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."
How did the olive feel before it was dropped into a martini?
Scared pitless
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.
Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the martini bar jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working martini bartender piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.