Martin Jokes

What are some Martin jokes?

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.


It's probably because they are great whites.

Why was Martin Luther King so bad at doing laundry?

Because he wouldn't separate the whites from the blacks.

What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.

What would Martin Luther King Jr. have been if he was white?

Alive

I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges.

We called him Martin Loofah King.

Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

St. Patrick's day vs Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?

St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white

If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.

I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.

(H/T Demetri Martin)

Why doesn't George R.R. Martin have Twitter?

Because he would just kill off all 140 characters.

"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"

"Yeah, that was it"

"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"

"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

George R. R. Martin found dead after reaching peak popularity.

Just like his characters.

I saw a sign that said, watch for children. I thought to myself...

Thats a fair trade. - Demetri Martin.

Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms.

A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.

Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on the sheik.

The sheik, an expert fighter, pities him and offers him a shot of vodka to calm his nerves before facing his death. Martin, in his drunken stupor, takes up the sheik's sword and lops the sheik's head off with no warning. The whole oasis cries out in joy at the death of the tyrannical sheik and informs him that now he had become sheik himself, but Martin had already dozed off and not heard any of it, so they left him alone till he came to.

And on that day, the Vodka'd Martin, he was sheik and not stirred.

What do bras have in common with Martin Luther King??

Both focus on uplifting the downtrodden masses!!

I heard Martin Shkreli is sentenced to 7 years in prison, although originally he was going to serve 51 days

they raised it 5000%

A Martini is like a woman's breast...

One is not enough, and three is too many.

Martini

A man who speaks Latin walks into a bar. He sits down and orders his drink.

"I'll have a martinus, please."

The bartender is confused. "Do you mean a martini?"

"No thanks, I'll start with one for now."

What's the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin?

Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.

Best Buy's Martin Luther King Day sale leaked

50% off all black speakers

What's the opposite of Martin Shkreli?

Martin Freeman.

So The Beatles and their producer, George Martin, were in the studio......

Paul: Any ideas on how to end Hey Jude?

John: Nah

George: Nah

Ringo: Nah

George Martin: Nah

Paul: Perfect!

What do you call a civil rights activists who's also a shower sponge?

Martin Loofah King

Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?

He won't separate the whites from the colours…

I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr.

Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams

Why would people always stand still to hide from Martin Luther King Jr.?

His vision was based on movements.

TIL that Martin Luther King Jr got a C in public speaking

Look where it got him.

Murdered.

George Takei, George Clooney, George Lucas, and George R.R. Martin decided to have a barbecue.

They named their little get-together the "George" Four-Man Grill.

Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent?

Because it told him to keep his whites and colours separate.

This season of Game of Thrones set new records for Piracy

Probably because it's written by George Arrrrr Arrrrr Martin

What did Martin Luther King say to his wife while proposing?

Will you be my Martin Luther Queen?

What did the sign for the strip club say during the day?

Sorry, we're clothed


Taken from Demetri Martin

It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...

George R.R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar.

Everyone you've ever loved dies.

What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it?

It hurts, but olive.

What is Martin Luther King's least favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas

A guy waved at me and ran over the other day...

He said "oh sorry I thought you were someone else!"

I said, "I am"


-Demetri Martin

A maths teachers husband buys an Aston Martin.

He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.

Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"

"W-What?"

"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"

"Why?"

"YOU DIDN'T DO THE WORKING FOR IT!"

My friend asked me to put him into one of my jokes

i said "Sure how about this one?"



[credit to Demetri Martin]

After 100 year, Tolkien's Beren and Luthien is coming out.

Still faster than George RR Martin.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew the light bulb.

(Spoken by the brilliant Steve Martin in "My Blue Heaven")

Steven Moffat and George RR Martin walk into a bar

Everyone dies.

'Wherever I go, I'm greeted with much warmth'

Martin, 37, Fireman.

I took a wrong turn during a driving experience at Silverstone.

There's now an Aston Martin parked in my driveway.

Why isn't George R.R. Martin allowed on Twitter?

He only has 140 characters to kill

A city bus cleaner is hanging ads promoting Martin Luther King Jr Day...

His co-worker shouts "Hey, those belong at the back of the bus!"

[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver

if he's persuasive.

"Go left."

-"Dude those are trees."

"trust me."

What fish did Martin Luther King have?

He had a bream.

How to make Martin jokes?

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