martin Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious martin puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

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George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

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Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

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In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.


It's probably because they are great whites.

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Martinis are like tits...

Ones not enough and threes too many

(my grandpa's favorite joke)

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Why was Martin Luther King so bad at doing laundry?

Because he wouldn't separate the whites from the blacks.

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

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"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing...

Unless you're talking to someone at a funeral.

Dimitri Martin

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What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.

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What would Martin Luther King Jr. have been if he was white?

Alive

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A boy comes home from school at 7pm

His dad says "where were you? " "I was with Jessica." He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were revising." After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely." Dad replies "Wash your hands Martin, they're fucking donuts."

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I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges.

We called him Martin Loofah King.

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Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

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Why does George R.R Martin never use Twitter?

Because he killed all 140 characters.

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St. Patrick's day vs Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?

St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.

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What's the difference between Saint Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Paddy's. Edit- Paddy's not patty's

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What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr day and saint pattys day

Everybody wants to be irish on saint pattys day.

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Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

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My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white

If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.

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I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

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Martinis are like titties...

...one isn't enough, and three are too many.

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What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr. Day and St. Patricks Day?

Everyone want to be Irish on St. Patricks Day.

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Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.

I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.

(H/T Demetri Martin)

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Why doesn't George R.R. Martin have Twitter?

Because he would just kill off all 140 characters.

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"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"

"Yeah, that was it"

"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"

"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

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Why doesn't George R.R Martin use Twitter?

Because he killed off all 140 characters.

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What would Martin Luther King be if he was white?

Alive. He would be alive.

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George R. R. Martin found dead after reaching peak popularity.

Just like his characters.

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I saw a sign that said, watch for children. I thought to myself...

Thats a fair trade. - Demetri Martin.

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Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

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A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.

Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on the sheik.

The sheik, an expert fighter, pities him and offers him a shot of vodka to calm his nerves before facing his death. Martin, in his drunken stupor, takes up the sheik's sword and lops the sheik's head off with no warning. The whole oasis cries out in joy at the death of the tyrannical sheik and informs him that now he had become sheik himself, but Martin had already dozed off and not heard any of it, so they left him alone till he came to.

And on that day, the Vodka'd Martin, he was sheik and not stirred.

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Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms.

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I heard Martin Shkreli is sentenced to 7 years in prison, although originally he was going to serve 51 days

they raised it 5000%

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What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr Day and St Patrick's Day?

On St Patrick's Day everyone wants to be Irish.

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What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he was white?

Alive.

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A Martini is like a woman's breast...

One is not enough, and three is too many.

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Martini

A man who speaks Latin walks into a bar. He sits down and orders his drink.

"I'll have a martinus, please."

The bartender is confused. "Do you mean a martini?"

"No thanks, I'll start with one for now."

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Best Buy's Martin Luther King Day sale leaked

50% off all black speakers

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What's the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin?

Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.

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What do Louis Ck and Steve Martin have in common?

They both want you to watch The Jerk.

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What's the opposite of Martin Shkreli?

Martin Freeman.

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What do you call a civil rights activists who's also a shower sponge?

Martin Loofah King

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I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr.

Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams

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Why would people always stand still to hide from Martin Luther King Jr.?

His vision was based on movements.

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I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

(Dimitry Martin)

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George Takei, George Clooney, George Lucas, and George R.R. Martin decided to have a barbecue.

They named their little get-together the "George" Four-Man Grill.

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What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day?

On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wishes they were Irish.

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TIL that Martin Luther King Jr got a C in public speaking

Look where it got him.

Murdered.

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You know the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day?

On St. Patrick's day, everyone wants to be Irish.

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Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent?

Because it told him to keep his whites and colours separate.

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Martinis are like boobs...

one isn't enough, and three is too many

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Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use Twitter?

Because he killed all 140 characters.

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Martinis are like boobs

1 is not enough, 3 are too many.

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George R.R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar.

Everyone you've ever loved dies.

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This season of Game of Thrones set new records for Piracy

Probably because it's written by George Arrrrr Arrrrr Martin

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It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...

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What did the sign for the strip club say during the day?

Sorry, we're clothed


Taken from Demetri Martin

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What did Martin Luther King say to his wife while proposing?

Will you be my Martin Luther Queen?

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What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it?

It hurts, but olive.

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A guy waved at me and ran over the other day...

He said "oh sorry I thought you were someone else!"

I said, "I am"


-Demetri Martin

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What is Martin Luther King's least favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas

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Martinis are like breasts

2 is good 3 is weird

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A maths teachers husband buys an Aston Martin.

He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.

Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"

"W-What?"

"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"

"Why?"

"YOU DIDN'T DO THE WORKING FOR IT!"

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After 100 year, Tolkien's Beren and Luthien is coming out.

Still faster than George RR Martin.

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'Wherever I go, I'm greeted with much warmth'

Martin, 37, Fireman.

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Where would Martin Luther King Jr. be right now if he was white?

Alive

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Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use a Twitter?

Because he kills all 140 characters.

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What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew the light bulb.

(Spoken by the brilliant Steve Martin in "My Blue Heaven")

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Steven Moffat and George RR Martin walk into a bar

Everyone dies.

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My friend asked me to put him into one of my jokes

i said "Sure how about this one?"



[credit to Demetri Martin]

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[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver

if he's persuasive.

"Go left."

-"Dude those are trees."

"trust me."

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Why didn't George RR Martin (GOT author) use Twitter?

Because he killed all the 140 characters.

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I took a wrong turn during a driving experience at Silverstone.

There's now an Aston Martin parked in my driveway.

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Why isn't George R.R. Martin allowed on Twitter?

He only has 140 characters to kill

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What would you call Martin Luther king Jr if he was white?

Alive.

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Why did Martin Luther King have so many pink shirts?

He was against separating the whites from the coloreds.

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A city bus cleaner is hanging ads promoting Martin Luther King Jr Day...

His co-worker shouts "Hey, those belong at the back of the bus!"

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How are martinis like breasts?

They are better shaken, not stirred.

I usually have one in my hand.

One is too few and three are two many.

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What fish did Martin Luther King have?

He had a bream.

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I'm starting a band.

It'll be called "The disease" just so I can call Chris Martin to tell him he is part of neither the cure nor the disease.

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What roles do Andy Serkis and Martin Freeman play in the new Black Panther movie?

They're the tolkien white guys of the film.

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It's a good thing George R.R. Martin has a Twitter...

If there's one thing he can do, it's wasting 140 characters at once.

^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out

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I feel sorry for people who don't drink

Because when you wake up in the morning, that's as good as you're gonna feel all day. -Dean Martin

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In developing a technique to turn white dogs into Dalmatians....

...Daniel Ek and Martin Lorentzon accidentally created the largest music catalog in the world.

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What did Martin Luther's pet bird eat?

A Diet of Worms

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What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he were white?

Alive

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[Spoilers] George R. R. Martin has already released Winds of Winter.

He just decided to call it 2016

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What's the difference between Martin Luther King and Donald Trump?

Martin Luther King had a dream and Donald Trump is a nightmare.

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Who is the conjoined twin pirates' favorite author?

George Arrgh Arrgh Martin

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What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he was white?

Alive

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What would Martin Luther King be if he was white?

Alive.

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Martin Shkreli's life

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What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

Everyone pretends to be Irish on St. Paddy's Day.

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I'm moving house and placed all my Dan Abnett and George R. R. Martin books at the bottom of the box.

Because the books are like their fans, used to enduring great weights.

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Which movie director gets laid the most?

Martin Scores Easy.

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Why don't girls like George R.R. Martin?

He never finishes.

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How does Chris Martin play monopoly?

With a paira, paira, pairadice

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What would martin Luther king be if he was white?

Alive.

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Martin Luther King woke up in a sweat...

He had the scariest dream ever.

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What Did Dean Martin Say When He Saw An Eel?

That's a Moray!

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Kim Jong Un, Martin Shkreli, Donald Trump, and Larry Nassar are put into an arena forced to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society

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My employee asked me to take the day off for Martin Luther King Jr Day

I told him it wouldn't be a problem, he would just have to make the work up on Father's day

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If I had a bookstore

I'd make the mystery section really hard to find

(Credits: Demetri Martin)

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2016 was written by me

- George R.R. Martin

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George R.R. Martin tweeted that he directed 2016. This year will be Michael Bay...

Oh wait that was 2001

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Thank you Martin Luther king jr.

As custodians we owe that guy a lot, if it wasn't for him we'd have to clean two drinking fountains.

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What do martinis and breasts have in common?

One's not enough and three is too many.

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If Shelly Long and Martin short were married...

Would they be commediums?

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My friend is a big fan of similes. He's like...

...annoying.

Credit to Demetri Martin.

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I heard Dean Martin starred in a porno once

It was called Ain't That a Dick In the Head

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What's Martin Shkreli's favorite burger joint?

Farmer Bros

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Who is modern fiction's most notorious serial killer?

George R. R. Martin.

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Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn has gotten off pretty lucky...

The last German who tried to gas that many people had to commit suicide!

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My joke

Where did little Martin go after the Boston Bombings?

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Martin Luther King Day White's Sale.

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George R.R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar..

and everyone you've ever loved dies.

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Martin Levine has passed away at the age of seventy-five. Mr. Levine had owned a theater chain here in New York. The funeral will be held on Thursday

at 2:15, 4:30, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.

David Letterman

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There is one thing I would break up over...

...and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

-Steve Martin

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Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech praising non-violence in India surprised everyone

when they pelted him with several thousand flatbreads.

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New Year's Resolution

1024 x 768

-- Demetri Martin

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How to get out of a conversation if you are Martin Luther King.

I must go black people need me.

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What would Martin Luther King be called if he was a cow

Martin Moother King.

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Would you like to invest in our company?

George R. R. Martin- Arya Stark.

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Whats martin luther kings favorite song?

Black parade.

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Which film director is the best at basketball?

Martin, because he scors-ese.

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They are the Token white guys.

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Have you heard the one about the looted king?

His name was Martin

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This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse



*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

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Did you hear about Martin Luther's feud with the Greek Orthodox Church?

He nailed 95 Thessalonians to the church!

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It's a fine line between killing a fly and applauding a fly"Demetri Martin"

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What is George R.R. Martin doing right now?

Not writing.

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What do you call a rodent film director who makes great genre films?

Martin Squirrelsese.

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People complaining about recent cop shootings are dumb

how else are people like Will Smith and Martin Lawrence supposed to feed their family?

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Chris Martin preformed a cheap maneuver in football without remorse

It was a cold play

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What is Martin Luther King's last name?

Boulevard.

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What famous historical figure said, and I quote, "I have a pear"?

Martin Luthor King Jr. but I was pearaphrasing

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Martinis are like breasts.

One isn't enough, and there's too many!

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Who was uncredited director of Star wars Rouge one?

George R. R. Martin

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I'm sitting in a cafΓ© with a network called "Martin Router King".

What shall I say? I have a stream!

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Wait, who died?!!! George Michael?

Oh, thank God, I thought you said George Martin.

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Who is the greatest loser ever?

Martin.

We all know Martin Luther King.

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A martini fell down the stairs when it was about to be knighted.

It was shaken, not sirred.

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What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he was white?

Alive...

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What do Mexicans always bring on vacation in Saint Martin?

Their trusty carabiners

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What was Martin Luther King JR's favorite drink?

Equali-tea

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What would martin Luther king be if he was white?

Alive

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What does George RR Martin call his erectile dysfunction?

Writer's cock

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What does mohammid ali and trayvon martin have in common

there both dead

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A gorilla, a lion, and Trayvon Martin walk into a bar

Yes, I know. I'm going to hell.

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What are the best Martin puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Martin? Well, here are the best jokes about Martin to have fun with.

Joko Jokes