martin Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious martin puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

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George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

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Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

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In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.


It's probably because they are great whites.

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Martinis are like tits...

Ones not enough and threes too many

(my grandpa's favorite joke)

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Why was Martin Luther King so bad at doing laundry?

Because he wouldn't separate the whites from the blacks.

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

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What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.

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What would Martin Luther King Jr. have been if he was white?

Alive

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A boy comes home from school at 7pm

His dad says "where were you? " "I was with Jessica." He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were revising." After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely." Dad replies "Wash your hands Martin, they're fucking donuts."

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I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges.

We called him Martin Loofah King.

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Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

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Why does George R.R Martin never use Twitter?

Because he killed all 140 characters.

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St. Patrick's day vs Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?

St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.

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What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr day and saint pattys day

Everybody wants to be irish on saint pattys day.

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Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

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My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white

If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.

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I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

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Martinis are like titties...

...one isn't enough, and three are too many.

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What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr. Day and St. Patricks Day?

Everyone want to be Irish on St. Patricks Day.

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Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.

I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.

(H/T Demetri Martin)

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Why doesn't George R.R. Martin have Twitter?

Because he would just kill off all 140 characters.

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"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"

"Yeah, that was it"

"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"

"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

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Why doesn't George R.R Martin use Twitter?

Because he killed off all 140 characters.

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George R. R. Martin found dead after reaching peak popularity.

Just like his characters.

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I saw a sign that said, watch for children. I thought to myself...

Thats a fair trade. - Demetri Martin.

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Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

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Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms.

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A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.

Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on the sheik.

The sheik, an expert fighter, pities him and offers him a shot of vodka to calm his nerves before facing his death. Martin, in his drunken stupor, takes up the sheik's sword and lops the sheik's head off with no warning. The whole oasis cries out in joy at the death of the tyrannical sheik and informs him that now he had become sheik himself, but Martin had already dozed off and not heard any of it, so they left him alone till he came to.

And on that day, the Vodka'd Martin, he was sheik and not stirred.

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I heard Martin Shkreli is sentenced to 7 years in prison, although originally he was going to serve 51 days

they raised it 5000%

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A Martini is like a woman's breast...

One is not enough, and three is too many.

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Martini

A man who speaks Latin walks into a bar. He sits down and orders his drink.

"I'll have a martinus, please."

The bartender is confused. "Do you mean a martini?"

"No thanks, I'll start with one for now."

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Best Buy's Martin Luther King Day sale leaked

50% off all black speakers

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What's the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin?

Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.

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What are the most funny Martin jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Martin? Well, here are the best Martin dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Martin pick up lines to share with friends.

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