mart Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mart puns

Martinis are like tits...

Ones not enough and threes too many

(my grandpa's favorite joke)


Why was Martin Luther King so bad at doing laundry?

Because he wouldn't separate the whites from the blacks.


Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.


What would Martin Luther King Jr. have been if he was white?



Martinis are like titties... isn't enough, and three are too many.


Martians arrive on earth...

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the pope's turn to ask a question...

"I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ" the pope asks.

"Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party" the aliens respond

The pope looks baffled and says "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?"

"well..." they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good" the aliens offer

"Pardon me?" the pope asks

"Well, when Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?"


Two martial artists...

...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an รฉpรฉe. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen feinted.


What do Wal mart and priests have in common?

They both have boys pants half off.

I'm going to hell lol


Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.


Do you know any martial arts?

I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No. Why the fuck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinees"?

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my fucking beer you slanty eyed little prick".


what do martial artists eat?

kung food


A Martini is like a woman's breast...

One is not enough, and three is too many.



A man who speaks Latin walks into a bar. He sits down and orders his drink.

"I'll have a martinus, please."

The bartender is confused. "Do you mean a martini?"

"No thanks, I'll start with one for now."


Best Buy's Martin Luther King Day sale leaked

50% off all black speakers


A penguin is driving through the desert...

A penguin is driving through the desert when suddenly he hears a strange sound coming from underneath the hood of his car. He pulls over at the nearest service station and flags down the mechanic. The penguin explains what's wrong and the mech says he'll take a look at it.

While he's waiting the penguin walks into the adjacent mart and notices an ice cream bin! He thinks to himself "I'm a penguin out here in the desert, I could REALLY use some ice cream." He buys it and eats it but as he does, since he only has flippers, he gets it all over his face. He manages to finish the ice cream and walks outside.

Just then, the mechanic is finishing up and as he dusts off his hands he tells the penguin,
"Welp, looks you like you just blew a seal!" And the penguin responds:

"Oh no! It's just Ice Cream!"


When a martial arts practitioner gets hurt...

it's called a ninjury.


Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent?

Because it told him to keep his whites and colours separate.


Martial Arts for weak prisoners

A new martial art similar to taekwondo is being developed for weak people that go to prison. It is named TyroneNo


Why was the little Martian sad?

Curiosity killed his cat.


Martinis are like boobs...

one isn't enough, and three is too many


Martinis are like boobs

1 is not enough, 3 are too many.


A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks,

A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"


A woman shopping at her local mart where....................

................................she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"


What did Martin Luther King say to his wife while proposing?

Will you be my Martin Luther Queen?


What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it?

It hurts, but olive.


What is Martin Luther King's least favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas


Martinis are like breasts

2 is good 3 is weird


Why doesn't Marty McFly drink wine?

Too many Tannens.


How did Marty McFly react when shown what 2015 would really look like?

Gee, it's hard to say, although he did seem pretty shaken up about it.


What martial art Aquaman learnt in Atlantis?

Crab Magรก


What martial art do cows practice?



Why are Martians always green when they land on Earth?



What is a martial artist's favorite flower?



Where do the KKK get their robes made?

KKK Mart


I'm opening a new grocery stores named Organic Food Mart...

Our slogan: "We sell only the best carbon-based foods."


What are the most funny Mart jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mart? Well, here are the best Mart dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mart pick up lines to share with friends.

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