Marrying For Money Jokes

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents.
So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it".
The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink.
On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it.
When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it.
When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?".
And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

Putting it in.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Just write spaghetti

For two years a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. He said, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18, and also pay for college. She ......agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back in the message area. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' She gave it to him and then watched as her husband turned white, then fainted after he read the card. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Please send extra sauce!!

A couple gets married.

The husband puts a box under their bed and gets his wife to promise not to look in the box. After 30 years the wife finally looked, to find $1817.35 and 3 empty beer cans. That night at diner the wife tells her husband about looking in the box, and asks him why he had the 3 beer cans in there. The husband said "for very time I cheated on you, I put a can in there to remind me never to do it again." the wife very happy about however she understood that her husband was on the road a lot and the temptation was to great, and it was only 3 times so they hugged and made their peace. Later, when the couple was in bed the wife asked about the money in the box. The husband replies by saying "well very time the box filled up I got a deposit on the cans."

Some marriage jokes (closer to facts)

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
 It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. 
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..' 
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. 
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. 
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!' 
Women will never be equal to men until can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! 
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
 If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? 
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Two Dollies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

The Psychic

Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions.
In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness.
The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman and delivers the grave news: "There's no easy way to say this... Your husband is planning to move all of the money in your joint account to an offshore bank, then file for divorce and marry his tennis instructor." She sighs heavily, peers again into the crystal ball, then gasps. "Wait!" she says. "You must prepare yourself. Before he can do these things, he will die a violent and horrible death."
Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the psychic's lined face, then at the crystal ball, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply has to know.
She meets the fortune teller's gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: "Will I be acquitted?"

The heir to a fortune...

wasn't having any luck with women who would be interested in *him* so he decided to let his money work for him. He sees a beautiful girl he likes and tells her: "I'm the next in line to a fortune of billions. As soon as my single father kicks the bucket, I'll be able to make your dreams come true. Will you marry me?" The girl looks at him, thinks for a second and says: "No. But thanks for the offer."
A week later the son comes home after a day of frivolity and sees that same woman at his house sitting in a lounge chair in their mansion watching television. She turns to him and says: "Oh hi there! I'm your new step-mother!"

Two fisherman friends

Two fisherman friends meet for the first time in months and start to catch up.
* -So how are you?
* -I'm very well. I actually got married recently.
* -Congratulations, that's great news! So how is your wife, is she beautiful?
* -Not really...
* -Ah, so she's smart then?
* -Not at all...
* -Has she got money?
* -Nope.
* -Then why did you marry her?
* -She's got worms.

A woman sees an old couple sharing a meal at McDonald...

A woman walks into McDonald and orders her meal. As she sits down with her food, she sees an old couple in a corner booth sharing a single happy meal. The old woman ate while the old man watched hungrily.
"They must be really poor", she thought and decided to do a good dead and bought another meal and brought over to the old couple. When she brought the meal over and explained, the old man thanked her but declined.
"Thank you, my dear, but we have plenty of money. We are sharing because when we were married over 50 years ago we vowed to share everything. Even a simple meal"
The woman who bought the meal was embarrassed and apologized, but she had one more question before she left them alone.
"I understand sharing everything, but why are you watching her eat? why not split the meal and eat together?" she asked
The old man flashed his gums to the younger woman and told her:
"Because it's her turn for the teeth"

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

An elderly lady's husband just passed away and to get things ready she went to the place that sells and engraves tombstones...

When she got there, she ordered the most expensive tombstone she could afford. They were married 65 years after all and; had 6 children, made lots of money, traveled many places, made lots of memories, and loved each other very much of course.
When paying for the tombstone, they asked what she would like engraved in the stone. To which she replied, "To my dearest husband, you were my love and my life. I cannot wait to see you again one day. Rest In Peace" as it was a common and courteous thing.
Later that day she went to find out what she would get of her husbands remaining possessions, as it turns out, he didn't leave her a thing, nothing. Not one item, not one car, not one penny.
The elderly lady was so furious. How could she not get anything after all they have been through? She knew her husband was tight with his money but this had to be a mistake. Going over the papers for a second, third, and fourth time it stayed the same. Nothing for the lady.
So the following day she goes back to the place she ordered the tombstone and said to the man running it, "I would like something added to my late husbands tombstone. You can keep everything I had on it. Especially the, 'Rest in Peace' , but I want you to add 'Until I Get There'."

10-year old Little Johnny brings Suzy home from school . . .

He says, "Mom, Suzy and I want to get married."
His Mom thinks it's adorable, so she asks with fake concern, "But Johnny, where will you live?"
He says, "Well, we thought about that and my room is bigger than hers, so we'll probably live in my room."
"But Johnny, what will you do for money?" the mother asked grinning.
"Well, I get $5.00 a week allowance, and Suzy gets $3.50, and I think we can get by on that."
The mother asks slyly, "But what if you have children? How will you buy diapers?"
Little Johnny shrugs, "Well, we've been lucky so far . . ."

confession

1. A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

A man and a woman get married in the old west.

They're riding their horses out into the sunset, but the woman's horse stops suddenly and throws the woman off the back. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's one."
A little further on, they hear a loud thunderclap, and the woman's horse rears up and tosses her off its back again. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's two."
Finally, as they're nearing their house, the horse yet again drops the woman off of it's back. The man looks the horse in the eye and says "That's three." He pulls his gun out and shoots the horse dead.
The woman turns to the man, shocked, and screams "You didn't have to do that! It was a strong horse and we could have sold it for good money!"
Then the man turned around, looked the woman in the eyes, and said "That's one."

A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...

...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.
Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."
She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been unfaithful."
There's an awkward pause, then with tears in her eyes she asks, "What does that have to do with the eggs?" "Well," he explains "whenever I was unfaithful, I put an egg in the drawer."
"Well three times isn't that bad in 30 years, but what about the money?"
"Oh." the husband says, "Whenever I had a dozen eggs, I sold them."

An Irishman's Confession...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Hospital Bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms & a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
'Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister & she's a nun."
The nun became agitated & announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".
:D

A Woman on her Deathbed

An elderly woman is laying on her deathbed with her husband at her side.
"Honey", she says, "I want to show you something. Go in to the closet and take down the box from the top shelf."
So her husband goes and does as he is asked and opens the box to find two handmade dolls and five thousand dollars in cash.
"Dear, what is this?" he asks his wife.
She replies, "The day we were married, my grandmother sat me down and told me,'There are going to be times that the two of you fight, times that you'll be so sick of him you cannot even stand the sight of him. Whenever a time like that comes, sit down and make a doll to calm yourself down.'"
Her husband had tears in his eyes, after all these years of marriage, she was only ever mad at him twice, he could not believe how he had married such an amazing woman. Then he asked,"And what about the money?" She replied, "Oh, that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Rubbing equal ?

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

A Well-Planned Life?

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
She answered:
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie is getting married."

"Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"
"Five," replies the boy.
"Well," says the father, " what are you going to do for money?"
"I get 15 cents a week in allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 10 cents. We figured that if we put them together we we´d be okay."
"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have children?"
"Well," says the boy, "so far, we've been lucky."

Trust Issues

A rich polish man leaves his homeland to start over in America and find love.
After a year in the states and building a successful business, he meets a woman who he falls in love with and they get married.
After 2 months of being married and living together the polish man goes to see a divorce attorney.
He tells the attorney he needs to file for divorce out of fear that his wife is trying to steal his money.
The attorney says "Okay, why do you think she is trying to steal your money?"
"She's trying to kill me!"
"Sir, that's a serious accusation! Do you have any proof of this?"
"Well when I was in the bathroom, I opened her drawer and I saw a bottle that said 'Polish Remover'!"

All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue, she explained. Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she'd been angry with him only once in 60 years. But what about all this money? he asked.
Oh, she said, that's the money 
I made from selling the dolls.

An 86 y/o man is on his deathbed next to his loved one...

-Honey, there's something I've got to tell you.
-What is it?
The man takes an old key out of his pocket
-This key opens the safebox behind that picture
His bride moves the picture, opens the safebox with the key and finds four eggs and 24000 dollars.
-What is this, honey?
-Everytime I haven't been loyal to you, I've put an egg in there.
-We've been 60 years married, I don't care you've cheated on me only four times.
The woman turns and takes the money.
-And what about all this money?
-Oh, I sell them everytime I reach the dozen.

Bills

Two thieves break into a bank after a lot of difficulty. Hearing police sirens, they each grab a sack from the vault and run for their lives.
8 months later, after the commotion about the robbery dies down, the thieves meet up casually to talk at a bar about the robbery:
Thief 1: Hey man!! It's been a long time!
Thief 2: Yeah it sure has been long.
T1: What did you get in your sack?
T2: I sure struck gold! I found lots of $500 bills.... I bought a new mansion, married, donated some to charity and put the rest in the bank. Life is amazing! What about you?
T1: I found bills in my sack too.
T2: What did you do with the money?
T1: I'm trying to pay them off one by one......