The Best 85 Marry Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Marry jokes. There are some marry daughter jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these marry marry me knock knock puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Marry Jokes and Puns

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.


He said, NO!

I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.

He said, OK.

I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates said, NO.

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.

Bill Gates said, OK.

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, NO.

I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.

He said, OK.

This is how politics works.

Marry joke, I told my son,  You will marry the girl I choose.

How do you turn a Fox into an Elephant?

Marry her.

The difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'

When you marry the right girl, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong girl, you are finished.

And when the right girl catches you with the wrong girl, you are completely finished!


How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Marry it

Why do ladies marry men?

Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

Marry joke, Why do ladies marry men?

Baked Beans.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...

The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."

"What is it, dear?"

"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"

She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"

The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."

My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]

A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.

5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me.

Both times she said no

You can explore marry fiancee reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean marry unmarried dad jokes. There are also marry puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How did Kanye West ask Kim Kardashian to marry him ??

"will i marry you?"

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

Marry joke, Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?

Because he couldn't resistor.

Johnny: Will you marry me?

Johnny: Will you marry me?
Jenny: You have to ask my father first.
Johnny: (later) Well, I asked him.
Jenny: And what did he say?
Johnny: He said he's already married.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?

Tell her she's pregnant


How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

Marry her.

A hillbilly tells his parents he won't marry his fiance because she is a virgin.

"If she isn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours!"

Now Its the Father Problem

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

What do you call a fruit that isn't allowed to marry?

A cantelope

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...

...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"

"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."

"Majestic."

"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"

"Majestic!"

"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."

"Definitely majestic!"

"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"

"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking horseshit'"

My daughter told me to treat her like a princess...

so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.

Husband has 6 months to live

Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

My wife asked me "will you marry someone else if I die?". " Of course not ", I said.

"I'm not doing the same mistake twice"

How to do Business

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: No!

Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.

Son: Ok then.

Dad goes to Bill Gates.

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No!

Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank.

Bill Gates: Ok then.

Dad goes to the president of the World Bank

Dad: Make my son the CEO of your bank.

President: No!

Dad: He is the son in law of Bill Gates.

President: Ok then.

I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

How do you turn a fox into a whale?

Marry her.

What did Barack say to Michele when he asked her to marry him?

I don't wanna be Obama self.

Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.'

We laughed about it. Then my wife said, 'Don't make the same mistake I did.'

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.

"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"

"I remember," she says.

"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"

"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"

"I would have gotten out today."

How Politics Really Works

I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."

He said, "No."

I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."


He said, "Yes."


I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates said, "No."

I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "Okay."

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.

He said, "No."

I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law."

He said, "Okay.

This is exactly how politics works.

Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal

"Will, You, Mary, Me" = a Foursome Inquiry

Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me...

... She said no both times.

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

Why did the dad proton want his daughter proton to marry an electron?

So the wedding would be free of charge

This time 5 years ago, I asked the most beautiful girl I've met out for dinner, today I asked her to marry me,

she said no both times.

Husband takes his wife to a disco.

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."

Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"

I tried marrying a melon...

But apparently we cantaloupe

There's an old man on his deathbed...

... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.

In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."

Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"

The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"

If your girl can cook Chinese marry her because

Schezwan of a kind.

I lied about my age

A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

30 years ago I asked the love of my life to go out with me, today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.

Her husband tells he's very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
'Honey, when I'll be... dead, will you marry someone else?' The husband thinks for a while. 'No.'
'Why not? Don't you like being married?' 'If you want me to, then yes.' 'Will she sleep in my part of the bed?' she asks mournfully. 'I guess she will.' answers the husband. 'Will you replace all my photos?' 'Of course not, I'll keep the ones I love most.' 'Will she drive my car?' 'No, she doesn't have a driver's licence.'

Son, marry a girl with the same belief as the family.

Dad, why should I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?

I can't believe Prince Harry, who's British royalty, is marrying African American actress Meghan Markle. Why would someone that rich and famous marry an obviously inferior genetic specimen? It's just unthinkable.

Though I suppose if Meghan wants to marry a ginger, it's none of my business.

A man visits his 70th class reunion

He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...

Two Inuits marry and consummate that night.

The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.

A husband is admitted to the hospital...

He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."

"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"

With his last breath the husband replies "I do"

When two women marry each other, how do they decide

which one doesn't want to have sex any more?

Last night I asked the woman I love to marry me, exactly one year after I first asked her out

She said no both times

I wrote Will you marry me? on a balloon to propose to my girlfriend.

Then I chickened out at the last moment, and had to pop the question.

Karen goes to the psychic...

"Two men, Bob and Carl, both want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?"

"You will marry Bob. Carl will be the lucky one."

A potato dad is talking to his potato daughters about who they want to marry.

The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.

The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet potatoes are well-known for being good, traditional potatoes.

The third daughter then says "Dad, I want to marry Bill Maher!" Dad is flabbergasted, and exclaims, "But honey! He's just a common-tater!"

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

Will you marry me is a marriage proposal

But

Will. You. Mary. Me. is a foursome proposal

I think my wife's showing symptoms of Alzheimers.

She's telling me everyday that she can't remember what she saw in me that made her marry me.

John's wife comes home to a dark house and her husband sitting there crying.

"honey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

John turns to his wife and says, "do you remember 20 years ago when your father caught us having sex in the car?"

John's wife smiles at the memory and replies, "of course, that was my first time."

John looks at his wife and says, "well 20 years ago your father gave me a choice. Either I marry you or spend 20 years in prison."

"That was a long time ago honey, and your not in prison."

John again starts sobbing and says, "I would have gotten out of prison today."

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm?

Because he couldn't resistor...



Happy Dad's Day!

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.

When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished'. And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished'

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail

But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Marriage Advice

It was a long time ago, but I still remember my Father dispensing this important advice, "Son, marry a girl who has the same belief as the whole family."

To which I replied, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who believes I'm a moron?"

The Italian Mother

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.

"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"

John smiles and says "85".

e: "Why did you marry me?" My wife: "Because you are so funny". Me: "I thought it was because I am so good in bed"

My Wife: "You see? You are hilarious"

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

Three years ago, I asked my crush out. Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"

Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.

Then Ok!

Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "No."

Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."

Son: "Then Ok!" \*\*

\*\* Dad goes to Bill Gates. \*\*

Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates: "No."

Dad: "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Then ok!"

\*\*Dad goes to the President of the World Bank. \*\*

Dad: "Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank."

President: "No!"

Dad: "He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates."

President: "Then OK."

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a first date.

Today I finally asked her to marry me. She said no you creepy weirdo , both times.

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return

I asked my girlfriend to suck the life out of me and leave me dry...

She replied, "YES,I'll marry you."

Never marry an archaeologist.

They're always digging up the past!

An old man on his death bed ask his wife for one dying wish.

She says anything for you.

I would like you to marry John when I die.

The wife says but I thought you hated John.

He replied I DO!!

I didn't think my mom would marry the guy goes by strange pronouns

But then it became a parent to me.

How do you marry a country girl?

Step 1: A tractor

Step 2: Fertilizer

I told my dad I want to marry my grandma.

He said: "No way, you cannot possibly marry my mother!"

But him marrying my mother was totally ok? What a hypocrite.

Why should you never marry a tennis player ?

Because love means nothing to them.

I knew a guy who said he didn't marry his high school sweetheart until after he finished college.

I asked him, "How come?"

He said, "Well, duh. I was working on my bachelor's degree."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the marry married man jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working marry happily married piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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