Married People Jokes
102 married people jokes and hilarious married people puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about married people that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Married People Short Jokes
Short married people jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The married people humour may include short married couple jokes also.
- Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?
- How can a room full of married people be empty? Because there's not a single person there.
- In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys In Europe we call them Royals
- My girlfriend asked me, "When are we going to get married?" I said, "I dunno, maybe when we meet the right people."
- My wife says being married to me is like being on vacation for the rest of her life She always tells people that I was her last resort.
- Why did the room packed with married people seem empty? Because there wasn't a single person there.
- People say my wife only married me because she was drunk... I say, hey, absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!
- Why is it that the room filled with married people seemed empty? There wasn't a single person there!
- My uncle started a cult, ...And married twenty women. People are telling me it's a terrible situation, but I think there's a lot of nuance.
- What did people say after two satellite dishes got married? The wedding was dull, but the reception was great.
Share These Married People Jokes With Friends
Married People One Liners
Which married people one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with married people? I can suggest the ones about husbands and wives and married life.
- One group of people still can't get married in the US Ugly people
- I entered in a room full of married people There wasn't a single person there.
- How can you tell two people are married? Both are yelling at the same kid.
- Why do clumsy people get married? They fall in love.
- If a single germ can infect over 300 people... Imagine what a married one could do.
- What's the big deal? Gay people could always get married. Just not to each other.
- All my friends are getting married... I guess I'm just at that age where people give up.
- Why do people in prison never get married? They're incels
- What do you call two gay people who just announced they're getting married? Engayged
- Priests are pretty amazing people They can marry two people at once
- Why do people think it's best to marry a Patriots fan? They're ok with cheating.
- Two Vietnamese people got married It was a Nguyen Nguyen
- Are there any people who want to marry god? I know of nun.
- What do married people do for fun? Get divorced.
- What's a social media for married people? Weddit
Cheerful Fun Married People Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about married people you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old married couple jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make married people pranks.
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here n**... as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get n**...?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My n**... are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of s**... education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to s**... education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies.
"Great," said the teacher, "that's very important."
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married.
"Well, that has to do with it too," said the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all.
The teacher said, "Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with s**... education."
"Yes it does," said Johnny, " it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne."
A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son. I want to have a life insurance policy.”
Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?”
“You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.”
Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”
“127. ”
“127? And what will you do in Europe?”
He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.”
Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?”
“He is … Oh, 150.”
And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?”
“b**..., you know his parents are pressing him!”
Father and his 13 year old son walk into the pharmacy.
The son sees the boxes of condoms and asks: "What are these dad?"
And the father answers truthfully:
"These, my boy, are called condoms. Men use them to have safe s**...."
"Oh.. i see! the boy answers. They shown them to us at school, in the s**... education class."
Then the boy looks at a packet with 3 condoms in it and asks: "Why does this one have only 3 in it dad?"
"This, son is for high-school kids: One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
Then the boy looks at another packet that has 6 inside.
"What about this one? Why does it have 6 in?"
"This is for college students: Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
Then the kid sees that packet with 12 inside and with great wonder asks: "And this one dad, with 12 inside?"
His father sighs and explains to him: "These my boy, are for married people. One for January, one for February…"
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!"
"Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?"
"She's 19."
"That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!"
"Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."
A married couple has invoked the ghosts, after 15 minutes of invoking has appeared only the face of the grandmother of the man.
The married couple has asked the grandmother together: "What would you like to tell us dear granny? "
The granny has said: "I am looking forward to seeing you soon. Have a nice day!"
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Why do people get married? So they can get divorced.
Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!
Priests do it all the time
g**... do have the same rights as heteros.
Heteros can't marry people of their own s**... as well.
Cynical Meanings
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Relationships are a progression of 4 rings.
First is the "Friendship" ring, when dating is exclusive, but there's no more commitment
Second is the Engagement ring, when two people are so in love that they want to get married.
Third is the Wedding ring, worn when two people make a life-long commitment to each other during a ceremory attended by their friends.
Fourth and finally - is the Suffering. Starts about a year after Step 3.
So an engaged couple die in a car c**......
A very tragic occasion merely a week before their wedding, they were sorely missed by their family. Shortly after their deaths, they meed St. Peter, guarding the pearly entrance to heaven. They were both good people, led fulfilling lives, and so he has no problem letting them in to heaven, and even states that they are free to live together in heaven, encouraging them to get married. After a few days of life there, free of their earthly problems, they decide they want to take up the offer and seal the bond. They have several days of happiness, have great s**..., and love each-others company. However after a few days, they get kinda bored, and decide to ask St. Peter for a new TV. Peter grants them their wish, telling them:
"This is Heaven, you can have whatever you want!"
So they watch their new TV happily together for several days, until they find that they, once again are bored. They decide on sports, and return to St. Peter. They tell him they want to get basketball lessons. He agrees, and after searching for several days, finds a basketball player to teach them to play. They have tons of fun playing basketball together for a while, until they get bored and realize that they just arent for each other. They return to St. Peter with the request to get divorced. He says
"Gee, thats kinda tough. It was hard enough finding a basketball player, I doubt theres 1 lawyer up here!"
Irish immigration
A married couple arrive in Ireland by way of car-ferry, and are just about to drive off into the Irish countryside, when an immigration officer stops them. "Now wait just a minute" says the officer. "You're driving an Audi Quattro. I know Quattro means four - so where are the other two people?"
The driver looks confused, and says "What do you mean? There's only us two."
The officer says "You can't pull the wool over my eyes. Quattro means four. You're supposed to have four people in this vehicle."
After some back-and-forth, the driver has had enough, and finally says "Look, this is silly. It's just the two of us. Can I speak to your superior?"
"I'd let you talk to him" says the Irish immigration officer. "But he's busy over there, dealing with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
Why do so many people in the South get married?
Free shotgun
There once was a pastor who was in support of gay rights, but refused to preform gay marriage ceremonies.
People kept asking him, "If you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them?"
Marriage Vows
A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in
front of all those people."
The Republicans told us that if we let the g**... marry, soon people'd be marring horses!
I'm still waiting. :(
Can a widow's husband marry her daughter?
No,dead people don't marry.
Single people think marriage is just a word ...
Once you are married you realize it's a sentence.
Hillary Clinton flip-flops
Hillary Clinton: Bill people are constantly accusing me of changing my positions
Bill Clinton: Don't worry about them honey, that's why I married you
I'm really claustrophobic and just walked into a room crammed full with married people...
Luckily there wasn't a single person in it
Since married famous people often mix names, shouldn't Hillary and Bill's be...
h**...?
Wife and I were watching a re-run of ALF.
There's a kid in the oncology ward and a couple of people talking in the hallway outside his room. One says to the other "What do you tell a kid who won't live until Christmas?"
My wife says "Shop early!"
Yep, that's why I married her.
A rabbi comes home and tells his wife
A rabbi comes home and tells his wife: "Honey, I made seven people happy today. I had three couples married."
"Who's the seventh person?" asks the wife.
"Do you really think I did it for free?" says the rabbi.
At first people think i should be grateful when I say my wife made me a millionaire
They change their minds when i tell them I was a billionaire before i got married.
An odd joke
Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say:
"Isn't that Odd?"
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to bother, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Thanks to my grandmother for sending that one.
So many people are getting married this year, but I'm aiming to get married in 2020...
That way if it doesn't work out I can say.. Well, Hindsight 20/20 it probably wasn't meant to be.
a plane crashed and every single person died, but how were there still survivors of the plane c**...?
the married people on the plane survived
Why 6 was really afraid of 7
6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavior in 7, he was going out late at night to other people's houses. One night 6 saw 7 leave into the neighbors house. She decided to follow him in and was horrified. Blood stains led up to the darkened kitchen where she discovered some thing she could never unsee. 7 had done it. 7 8 9.
t**... stamp
Single people discussing their dating life with married friends is like getting a t**... stamp with a misspelling.
Irreversible, permanent and embarrassing.
A blonde is proposed by her fiancee.
"Sara, will you marry me?"
"Yes, I will!"
"This ring is from my grandmother. She survived the holocaust with this."
"I didn't know they gave rings out to people during the holocaust"
Here's how I feel about gay marriage. I don't understand why people care whether you marry a man or a woman.
'Cause if you've ever seen a couple over 65, it is very hard to tell who is who.
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is...
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE."
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED!"
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED"
Want to know why married people are always twisting their wedding rings?
They're searching for the combination...
You walk across a bridge and see a boat filled with people but there isn't a single person on board. How is this possible?
All the people on the boat are married
Some people tell me the index finger is the wrong one for a wedding ring...
I tell them I'm married to the wrong woman
It's disgusting how people think because I'm southern my sister is my Valentine
She can't be my valentine because she's married.
Hey, baby I think we should get married
To separate people
As a long married man I always offer the same advice to young people getting married
Don't
A man gets out of the shower flaunting his nakedness to his wife.
While he is walking towards her in all his glory he asks what would people think if I went out on the street like this?
People would think I married you for your money .
Who do Mexican people who love w**... marry??
They Marry Juana
So there is this small church in the middle of the country.....
this church is small and contains only 100 people. But on one Sunday morning demons and the devil start to flay around the church. Soon after they had appeared they burst through the church door and wreak havoc on those within the church. People are on fire, the priest has jumped out the window, but there is 67 y/o man sitting in the front. The devil approaches this man and asks "do you know who i am?" the man replies "yes sir" the devil then asks "then why are you not scared?" but the old man looks the devil dead in the eyes and says "I've been married to you sister for 35 years."
A bus with 24 people was crossing the San Francisco bridge; when they reached the other side, not a single person was left. What happened to the people ?
They were all married.
How can a room of married people be empty?
Because there isn't a single person in the room!
My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.
She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.
The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was hallucinating that we had a son. If only I was married...
Difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED...
But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE...
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED...
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...
COMPLETELY FINISHED.
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Some people say there's no difference but there is.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!
And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
A man was late for work and panicking he suddenly hears...
Someone yelling "STOP" the man stopped, not knowing what else to do and just a few seconds later a car c**... occurred missing the man by a few inches.
The man, very confused thinks nothing of it and since people came to help, he ran his way because he was really late.
Then just a minute later he hears someone yelling "STOP" and he stopped, just a few seconds later a stray tire crashed into a shop missing the man by mere inches again.
The man now fully frustrated yells back "WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED!?".
Some guy on twitter says all married people argue. If they say they don't, one of them is ruling over the other.
My wife told me to tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about.
I heard 2 older married couples talking when one of the men told the other he went to a great restaurant.
When he was asked what it was called he looked puzzled and said "what's that flower, the one people always give?"
"A rose?"
"Yes! Rose, that's it" he then looks at the woman beside him "hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"
The secret to a long life.
Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you you a secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I've been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!
Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?
The old man answered: I'll tell you another secret: she'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!
Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you you a secret. I've been married for 75 years.
Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. I've been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!
Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?
The old man answered: I'll tell you another secret: she'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!
What did the shirt say to the pants?
What up britches!
(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married man with teenage kids , it was great fun seeing my girls roll their eyes at dad, that couldn't stop laughing at a dumb joke.)
A married couple were walking through a garden
when suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them..
The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted, I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog
Moral : No one else can misunderstand a Husband better than a Wife
Why do married people spin their wedding band?
They are trying to figure out the combination
My son (who is into astronomy) asked me How do stars die?
I said "well some marry the wrong people, and others slap the s**... out of each other."
