Married Man Jokes

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...

Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..

LIAR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.
Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.
James replied, My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!
Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a s**... little voice…
Oh really, I can't, he replied. My wife loves this beard!!
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and s**... his face smooth.
That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!

A priest is doing confessional and really has to go to the bathroom.

While he's in between people, he notices the janitor outside the confessional booth.

**Priest:** "Hey John, come sit in here for me for a second while I use the restroom, please."

**John the janitor:** "Yes Father, no problem."

As the janitor is waiting for the priest to return, a woman enters the confessional booth.

**Woman:** "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

The janitor nervously proceeds, "What did you do?"

**Woman:** "I gave a b**... to a married man."

As the janitor is struggling to come up with how to respond, he sees an altar boy walking through the church.

**John the janitor:** "Hey Timmy, what does Father Angelo normally give for a b**...?"

**Timmy:** "A bag of chips and a coke."

So an old buddy of mine went to prison...

He had just gotten married actually, and one of the first things he did as a newly married man was go for a round of 18 holes with his buds. Okay...they also got a few drinks afterwords.
When he got home, golf bags in tow, his wife confronted him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to golf! and... you reek of booze!" and she really keeps letting him have it, until he can't take it anymore. He's always had a temper, but this was over the top - he pulled out his 9-iron and started swinging.
He was promptly overcome with guilt, and called the police, the paramedics, etc. She was pronounced dead. The officer on the scene sees the club, and says to him, "there looks like there's a few dents on that! how many times did you hit her?!" and the guy says "well, seven... but could you write down five?"

The beard (no, not that, an actual beard)

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would hate me."
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again.
"Oh really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

The Portrait Artist

A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her. She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms.
She tells him, "Price is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the n**...."
This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a married man, "Uh, I apologize ma'am, but I don't think I can agree to that-"
"I'll pay you ten thousand dollars," she interrupts him.
Again he is taken aback and considers, "Well... Let me ask my wife first, and if she consents then we have a deal."
They agree and he goes home. The next day, the artist returns. He gives the lady the verdict, "All right, my wife says it is fine, but you'll have to let me keep my socks on so I have somewhere to wipe my brushes."

A farmer and his wife have been married many years.

The farmer has a talent for f**... very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna f**... your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna f**... right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I f**... my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

A long-married man has a routine...

... That greatly bothers his wife. Every morning, he wakes up, gets out of bed, and rips a f**... loud enough to wake the dead (or his living wife).
So, when she has finally had enough, she wants to make sure that he will never wake with his thunderous flatulence.
One morning, she gets up early, and sneaks to the kitchen for a bowl leftover bits and giblets of turkey she had in the fridge. She steals back to the bedroom, places the contents of the bowl in her husband's underwear. Then she goes downstairs, and begins to make breakfast.
After about half an hour, the hears the creak of the mattress, a loud f**..., and a scream of confusion and fear. She chuckles to herself, and continues to make breakfast with a smirk on her face.
After another half hour, she begins to wonder: Where *is* her husband? But her query is answered within minutes. Her husband waddles into the kitchen looking happy.
She asks, "What was that scream about?"
And her husband replies: "Honey, somehow I managed to f**... my guts out. But, with a little luck, and these two fingers, I was able to shove 'em back in!"

Just write spaghetti

For two years a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. He said, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18, and also pay for college. She ......agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back in the message area. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' She gave it to him and then watched as her husband turned white, then fainted after he read the card. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Please send extra sauce!!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"