Married Life Jokes

132 married life jokes and hilarious married life puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about married life that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Married Life Short Jokes

Short married life jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The married life humour may include short marriage jokes also.

  1. I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
  2. A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life" I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
  3. The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
  4. My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry. We are maid for each other.
  5. 30 years ago I asked the love of my life to go out with me, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
  6. My wife says being married to me is like being on vacation for the rest of her life She always tells people that I was her last resort.
  7. I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me So, I decided to ask her husband for advice.
  8. So I heard Charles Manson is getting married.. Yeah, I didn't think life in prison was a strong enough punishment either.
  9. 2 tips for a happily married life.... Keep quiet when your wife is talking.
    Don't talk when your wife is quiet.
  10. At an Irish wedding, someone said, "Would all the married men stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living?" The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Married Life One Liners

Which married life one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with married life? I can suggest the ones about happy marriage and married people.

  1. I married an amputee last week She single handedly changed my life
  2. Guys married to Karens ... ..are Karentined for life
  3. Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
  4. My Life Gone Due To Marry oh my life .
  5. Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
  6. I like magic so much that I got married. Just to watch the fun out of my life disappear!
  7. I'm living a second life as a married man. He's my altar ego
  8. Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 46 and married. Most of my life is fantasy.
  9. Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
  10. Two prime numbers stayed married for life. They couldn't be divided
  11. There are 3 stages to a married couple's s**... life Tri-weekly
    Try weekly
    Try weakly
  12. When you are married, nobody asks about your s**... life. They know that you don't have one!
  13. A man in S. Arabia was sentenced to life imprisonment for r**... He had to marry the woman.
  14. What do hippies call there s**... life before they get married? Prius

Comical & Quirky Married Life Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about married life you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean love marriage jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make married life pranks.

Bernie and Jane are an elderly couple who have decided to get married late in life. While they have not yet been intimate, Bernie thinks it would be a good idea to know how Jane feels about this. He asks her about her desires regarding frequency of s**... intimacy. Jane replies that she likes s**... infrequently. Bernie, being ever the optimist says, "Is that one word or two?"

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son. I want to have a life insurance policy.”
Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?”
“You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.”
Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”
“127. ”
“127? And what will you do in Europe?”
He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.”
Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?”
“He is … Oh, 150.”
And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?”
“b**..., you know his parents are pressing him!”

A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a v**... and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper.
A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the room she stood steal...
She saw her husband n**... to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room.
"But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked.
"Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you!"

The sales chief, the HR chief, and the boss are on their way to lunch around the corner.
They detour through an alley and stumble on a beat up but valuable looking brass container.
The sales chief picks it up and starts cleaning it with his handkerchief.
Suddenly, a genie emerges out of a curtain of purple smoke.
The genie is grateful to be set free and offers them each a wish.
The HR chief is wide-eyed and ecstatic.
She says, "I want to be living on a beautiful beach in Jamaica with a sailboat and enough money to make me happy for the rest of my life."
p**...! She disappears.
The sales chief says, "Wow! I want to be happily married to a wealthy supermodel with penthouses in New York, Paris, and Hong Kong."
Presto, he vanishes.
"And how about you?" asks the Genie, looking at the boss.
The boss scowls and says, "I want both those idiots back in the office by 2 PM."
Moral: Always let your boss speak first.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.
The lady mentions hat her new husband is a f**... director.
Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.
She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.
The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.
She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

Congratulations! Said the groom's uncle.

I'm sure you'll look back on today as the happiest day of your life.
But I'm not getting married until tomorrow. Replied the groom to be.
I know, I know. His uncle replied.

How's your s**... life?

3 women are having a conversation about their s**... lives. The first woman has been married 1 year. "My husband and I have 'house s**...' because we do it anywhere in the house, any time." The second woman has been married 10 years. "We have 'bedroom s**...' which is only in the bedroom after the kids have gone to sleep." The third woman has been married 30 years. "My husband and I have 'hallway s**...'... We pass each other in the hallway and say 'screw you!'"

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...

St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."

Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Relationships are a progression of 4 rings.

First is the "Friendship" ring, when dating is exclusive, but there's no more commitment
Second is the Engagement ring, when two people are so in love that they want to get married.
Third is the Wedding ring, worn when two people make a life-long commitment to each other during a ceremory attended by their friends.
Fourth and finally - is the Suffering. Starts about a year after Step 3.

Harry goes to the doctor

Harry, an 84 year old g**... is in for a checkup at the doctors office, he's sitting on the exam table, n**... under a gown. The doctor asks while reading his chart, "Well Harry, how are you feeling, any new developments for you?" Harry responds with childlike glee, "I feel great. There is a new woman in my life, she's fantastic" "Oh ya? Where did you two meet?" The doctor inquires. "Oh, well, ya know... She's a dancer." "Like a stripper, Harry? How old is she?" The doctor asks seriously. "19 years young... in fact, we are due to get married next week!" The doctor ponders thoughtfully and says to him, "I think you ought to reconsider. You know, prolonged s**... with a girl that young could be fatal." Harry shrugs and says, "Hey, if she dies, she dies."

- Congratulations, my boy! - Says the uncle to the nephew who is getting married the next day.

- I'm sure a couple of years from now, you will remind of this day as the happiest day of your life!
- But I'm only getting married tomorrow - responds the nephew.
- Yeah - explains uncle - That is exactly what I meant!

One of my grandpa's better jokes

An old man is walking along the beach one day when suddenly God appears and says to the man, "You know, you've been a good man and faithful to me all your life. I'm going to grant you one wish. What would you like?"
The man thought about it and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there any time I want."
God said, "I can't do that, there would be too many problems. Where would I even get all the steel from? Think of something else."
So the man says, "Lord, I've been married and divorced 4 times. All 4 of my wives made me feel like I was doing everything wrong when I thought I was right. Help me understand women."
God replies, "You want two lanes or four?"

Interview with the 3x Widow (Clean Joke)

A journalist for a local newspaper was an interviewing an old woman who had been married three times before and was about to embark on her fourth marriage at the ripe old age of 90.
**Interviewer**: "Please give me a quick run down of the men you married in the past",
**Old Lady**: "We'll my first husband was the CEO of a bank. He died from a heart attack from stress. God bless him.
My second husband was so much different. He was a circus performer. He could s**... swords, walk a tight rope, and tame lions. Unfortunately, one of the lions wasn't fed one day, and I was single once again.
My third husband was the minister for my past two husbands funerals. I'm happy to say that he passed away peacefully surrounded by his friends and family.
And my soon to be fourth husband is the mortician who buried all three of my former husbands. He has always been there for me and is a kind man. I love him dearly.
**Interviewer**: Wow, that's a quite variety of men. So how would you summarize your love life?
**Old Lady**: Well, I guess you could say, I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

Jim and his s**... life...

A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother

The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...

..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best b**... in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "What is wrong with you", asks the bride's maid, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the bride, "Last night, I gave the last b**... I ever have to."

My fav Aussie joke: An Aussie v**...

A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a v**....
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room n**... and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room 1 can get."

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

An elderly lady's husband just passed away and to get things ready she went to the place that sells and engraves tombstones...

When she got there, she ordered the most expensive tombstone she could afford. They were married 65 years after all and; had 6 children, made lots of money, traveled many places, made lots of memories, and loved each other very much of course.
When paying for the tombstone, they asked what she would like engraved in the stone. To which she replied, "To my dearest husband, you were my love and my life. I cannot wait to see you again one day. Rest In Peace" as it was a common and courteous thing.
Later that day she went to find out what she would get of her husbands remaining possessions, as it turns out, he didn't leave her a thing, nothing. Not one item, not one car, not one penny.
The elderly lady was so furious. How could she not get anything after all they have been through? She knew her husband was tight with his money but this had to be a mistake. Going over the papers for a second, third, and fourth time it stayed the same. Nothing for the lady.
So the following day she goes back to the place she ordered the tombstone and said to the man running it, "I would like something added to my late husbands tombstone. You can keep everything I had on it. Especially the, 'Rest in Peace' , but I want you to add 'Until I Get There'."

A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness...

He goes to his friend who is also a doctor for a second opinion.
Doctor says, "I've reviewed the test results- You've only got about 6 months left to live." The man says, "Doc give it to me strait is there anything I can do?!" Doc says, "As a your doctor or as your friend?" - "as a friend, doc."
This is what the doctor told him...
"If I was you, I'd move to North Dakota- Marry a fat German woman with a pig farm and 7 kids."
"What will that do, Doc? Will that cure me?"
He says, "No, but it will be the longest 6 months of your life."

Potato Family Circus

Mama Potato and Papa Potato had a precious little baby Sweet Potato. Life was wonderful. The little Sweet Potato grew up and eventually went away to college, making her parents very, very proud.
One day the little Sweet Potato returned home for a surprise visit. "Mom, Dad," she proudly exclaimed, "I have some very exciting news for you! I want you to meet the man I am going to marry!!!" Her parents were brimming with joy. Their little Sweet Potato goes outside to fetch her new mate and comes in and says, "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Walter Cronkite!"
"Walter Cronkite!?" her parents exclaimed in utter disbelief. "You can't marry him, he's a commentator!!"

A guy meets an old friend in the street

**Guy:** Hi ! It's been what... 30 years ?? How are you ? What happened in your life during all this time ?
**Old friend:** Well, I've been married four times, but all my wives died...
**Guy:** Oh my god, that's terrible ! Sorry to hear that. What happened to the first one ?
**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...
**Guy:** Aww that's so sad. What happened to the second ?
**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...
**Guy:** Again ! What happened to the third ?
**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...
**Guy:** Are you kidding me ?
**Old friend:** I swear I'm not.
**Guy:** Ok, what happened to the fourth ?
**Old friend:** She got punched in the head, with a baseball bat.
**Guy:** Whaaaat ? Why ?
**Old friend:** She didn't want to eat her poisonous mushrooms...

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.
A: How is your married life?
B: For the last couple of weeks my husband has been helping me a lot around the house: watching kids, cooking, groceries, cleaning, doing laundry…
A: How did you convince him to do that?
B: He read an article in one magazine that if a woman is less tired at the end of the day, then she is much more active in bed.
A: And, did it help him?
B: I don't know yet. He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.. =/

A man and a woman had a quarrel

Woman: If I had known that my life would become like this, I should have just married the devil himself.
Man: But getting married with your relatives is a t**..., isn't it?

One day I teased my crush in class...

and told her, "s**... for you girls, you don't know what your last name will be ten years from now because it changes when you get married. I know my last name will be Smith my whole life." She replied, "Oh, but I do know. It will be Smith." She then turned pink and looked down. I gave her a wide smile.
Ten years later, she became my stepmother.
(This joke was translated from Chinese so sorry if parts don't make sense.)


So my black friend Treyvon is having some issues with his girl friend (Polly). He told me she gave him an ultimatum. He either has to change his life in a number of ways including getting a stable job and marrying her or she'll leave him and find some one who will. After Treyvon had poured his heart out and told me about what Polly had told him he asked me what i thought. So I gave him my honest opinion. I said " well it sounds like Polly wants a c**...."

Annoying Husband

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could heard deep into the night the old man would shout,"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and comeback and haunt you for the rest of your life."
Neighbours feared him.They believed he practised black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, be died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety asked. "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come hack to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."

At an Irish wedding...

...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.


My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.
For most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.

Met a long lost friend, greeted him with "hows your s**... life?"

"I'm married now" he replied, sadly.

A married man is from Mars. A married woman is from Venus.

He may have had life a long time ago. She is bitter and smells like farts.

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."
Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me.

I went to my local supermarket

I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a 'bag for life'. I said, "No thanks, I'm already married."

I don't have a problem with 5p carrier bags, I have a bag for life, ever since I got married last year.


Why do we all marry?

Why do we all marry? - because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, t**..., suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!

A Well-Planned Life?

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
She answered:
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."

I still carry a picture of my wife in my wallet

Been married 20 years, but I still carry my
wife's picture in my wallet.
Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take
out my wallet and stare at her picture.
And it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived being married to this psycho,
I can survive anything.

Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking h**...'"

Why would you want to get married and get a masters degree at the same time?

The bachelor life is so much better.

After all these years I've finally figured out what Cher was talking about when she said"Do you believe in life after love"

She was talking about being married!

When I got married...

Instead of "I do", my wife said "I did". I thought she misspoke, but it turns out she was talking about our s**... life.


At a wedding, the pastor asked all the married men in the crowd to put their arm over the person who makes their life worth living. The bartender was crushed to death.

An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:
'How old are you, sir?'
'I'm 102.'
'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'
'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'
'Your dad's birthday?! How old is he?'
'He's 139.'
'Okay, come back next week then.'
'Next week is definitely a bad time for me. We're gonna have a week-long party for my grandfather's wedding.'
'Your grandfather's weddig?! How old is he?'
'He's 164.'
'And he wants to get married at *his* age?'
'Nah, he doesn't, it's just that his parents are forcing him...'

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."

A man and woman were married for many years.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he suddenly died. After the burial, his wife's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

Why dogs don't marry?

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

What helps a straight married couples s**... life but ruins a gay married couples s**... life?

Marital AIDS

My parents have been saving embarrassing videos and stories of me for my entire life, hoping to one day show the person that chooses to marry me.

Jokes on them.

I can't marry you Christina, my family is totally against it.

"This is your life! Who are they to stop you?"
"My wife and two kids"

Been married for 20 years

Been married for 20 years, but I still carry my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And It comforts me knowing that... If I survived being married to this psycho, I can survive anything.

I was mugged last night by a thief on the way home

Pointing a knife at me, he said
"Your money or your life"
I told him I was married so I have no money & no life
We hugged & cried together...
It was a beautiful moment

t**... stamp

Single people discussing their dating life with married friends is like getting a t**... stamp with a misspelling.
Irreversible, permanent and embarrassing.

Why are some married men sad all the time?

They keep thinking "Job s**..., life s**..., wife doesn't".

I've been married for 20 years,

and I still carry a photo of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I stare at her picture, and it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived that long married to her, I can survive anything.

Studies have shown that married men live longer than single men...

So if you want a longer life, and a slower death, just get married.

I'd rather be in Prison than Married

there's more s**... in prison, and it usually isn't a life sentence

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

George and Barbara Bush were driving through Texas...

...when the First Couple stopped at a restaurant.
Barbara Bush recognized the waiter was an ex-boyfriend from high school. George and Barbara had a friendly conversation with the waiter, and then continued their drive.
In the car, George Bush said to Barbara, "Can you imagine what life would be like if you'd married him instead of me?"
Barbara Bush replied, "Yes. He'd be President and you'd be serving coffee."

Life is fairly hard for my wife, being married to someone with OCD.

Every Time she gets turned on, I turn her off again.

Wedding day and birthday

This married couple have a wedding day that is on the same day as the wife's birthday. When asked about it, the wife said:
"It's because he convinced me to. He said it's to make the most important day of my life twice as important as any other normal wedding day. I'm happy that he's the one I'm married to."
The husband, when asked the same question:
"It's easier to remember the date that way."

So there comes a time in every married couple's life where the big question is asked.

So the husband turns to his wife and asks "Honey, do you want kids?"
The wife responds with "I'm not sure?"
After an hour of careful consideration and thought, the two came to a decision.
"So, we don't want kids." Said the husband. The wife agreed.
So they turned to their son and daughter, picked them up and kicked them out the door.

A man had a terminal illness.

His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.
Will it help? asks the man.
No, says the doctor, but it will be the longest six months of your life.

Three men go to heaven

St. Peter looks in the book and says to the first man, You spent your whole life trying to get drunk. You even married a woman named Ginny, and he points him to the down escalator.
To the next man he says, You spent your whole life trying to get rich. You even married a woman named Penny, and he points him to the down escalator.
The third guy turns and heads for the down escalator. St. Peter says, Where are you going? The man says, My wife's name is Fannie.

jokes about married life