Married Jokes
148 married jokes and hilarious married puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about married that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From married memes to jokes about affairs, get a good laugh out of this collection of jokes that married couples can relate to. From the playful relationship between a husband and wife to the light-hearted ribbing of a spouse, discover why married couples know how to take a joke.
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Funniest Married Short Jokes
Short married jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The married humour may include short mate jokes also.
- If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't. - My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
- I asked my wife why she married me. I asked my wife why she married me.
She said Because you are funny.
I said I thought it was because I was good in bed.
She said See? You're hilarious! - I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
- My Daughter asked me "dad, why don't you treat me like a princess." So I married her off to the king of Spain in exchange for 5000 acres on the Costa del Sol.
- A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife Friend: How did she marry you?
Billionaire: I lied about my age
Friend: You said 45?
Billionaire: No! I said 90! - 10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
- I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
- Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't... Because it was booked.
\-My pop - My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a french alliance.
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Married One Liners
Which married one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with married? I can suggest the ones about wife hubby and honeymoon.
- What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyónce
- I've decided to marry a pencil I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
- What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè
- How did kanye west ask Kim Kardashian to marry him ?? "will i marry you?"
- I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
- Why couldn't stevie wonder see his friends? Because he 's married.
- Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married.
Or settle down with a couple of kids. - Why does a bride always cry at her wedding? Cus she never marries the best man
- How do you turn a Fox into an Elephant? Marry her.
- I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.
- Q: Why can't a blind guy see his friends? A: Because he's married.
- I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
- Its untrue that most women want to get married. I've asked loads and they've all said no.
- How do you marry a country girl? Step 1: A tractor
Step 2: Fertilizer - I married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.
Getting Married Jokes
Here is a list of funny getting married jokes and even better getting married puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
- Dad, I'm getting married! Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Why?
Dad: Just say sorry.
Son: I haven't done anything wrong!
Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Okay, okay! I'm sorry!
Dad: You're ready. - Two biologists get married and have twin girls. They name one Jessica and the other Control.
- My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year! Me in August, and her in November.
- My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he'll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years. My husband replied, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part.
- If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced… Are they still brother and sister?
- If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry.
- Two antennae get married on a roof The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was *amazing*!
- Two nuclear scientists get married She was radiant, he was glowing.
- A microwave and a refrigerator get married. Who gives the speech? The Toaster.
Married Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny married man jokes and even better married man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.
- A married's man prayer Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.
You gave me youth and you took it away.
You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you. - Two married man talking.. 1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive. - A 75 year old rich man marries a 20-yo beautiful woman... And a friend of his comes to ask how did he manage to pull that off.
"I told her I was 90". - She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man... Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids weren't much to look at!
- 2 men discussing why they joined the army.... "I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.
The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace." - I'm looking for a woman, recently married, recently cheated on , mad or scorned... Who is willing to sell her man's tools for cheap.
- A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is... Married.
- Why did the Alabama man marry his third cousin? Because the first two weren't good in bed
Married Couple Jokes
Here is a list of funny married couple jokes and even better married couple puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the couple get married in Bangkok? Because they wanted to Thai the knot.
- The gay marriage referendum was just passed in Ireland. The number of married gay Irish couples will be Dublin.
- A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows... "Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"
- Guys I finally did that thing with my wife that only married couples can do! We got our divorce!
- What do you call a married stormtrooper couple? Misster & Misses
- This Vietnamese couple I knew got married... Luckily for them they shared the same last name so it wasn't a big hassle for either of them. It was a Nguyễn-Nguyễn situation.
- A lesbian couple gets married and decides to only get 1 diamond ring between them Two birds, one stone
- I married a ghost but we're in couples counseling now... He can just be so possessive sometimes, ya know?
- An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery. "What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.
"Keep sending them!" - Fighting Couple A married couple were fighting. Deciding it was time to go to bed, the husband says, "Goodnight, mother of six!" to which she replies Goodnight father of two!"
Married Life Jokes
Here is a list of funny married life jokes and even better married life puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life" I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
- I married an amputee last week She single handedly changed my life
- My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry. We are maid for each other.
- 30 years ago I asked the love of my life to go out with me, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
- My wife says being married to me is like being on vacation for the rest of her life She always tells people that I was her last resort.
- I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me So, I decided to ask her husband for advice.
- So I heard Charles Manson is getting married.. Yeah, I didn't think life in prison was a strong enough punishment either.
- 2 tips for a happily married life.... Keep quiet when your wife is talking.
Don't talk when your wife is quiet. - At an Irish wedding, someone said, "Would all the married men stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living?" The bartender was almost crushed to death.
- I can't marry you Christina, my family is totally against it. "This is your life! Who are they to stop you?"
"My wife and two kids"
Delightful Fun Married Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about married you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean marital jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make married pranks.
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 Guys in a Bar
2 guys in a bar.
John: "I have s**... with my wife once a month"
Jack: "We do it twice a week"
John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"
Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
fishing by the river
A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a f**... procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store.
A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.
"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.
She yells, "4!".
He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving o**... s**....
* 1% liked the warmth
* 2% liked the sensation
* 3% liked the eroticism
* 94% just liked the peace and quiet
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.
The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.
The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers
...she'd have to give up the p**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.
Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". s**... and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman
Which finally gave us something in common.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
I work in retail, a married man made me laugh
Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!
A son walks up to his dad
A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"
His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."
Marriage joke
My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, I said, what would you get?
A bulletproof one, he said. I'm married.
Why do guys gain weight after marriage?
Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..
Turns out her sister had it all along.
The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight
and it's still not over.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Based on statistics
The most used s**... position among married couples is d**......
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"
"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began
"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"
Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married ...
Find a woman who doesn't want to have s**... with you, and buy her a house.
Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.
They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!
A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"
A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Premarital s**...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my wife and I got married,
we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have s**... with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.
For those of you wondering what it's like to be married
I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...
Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."
When I was first married we were very poor, but my wife stood by me
She had to - we only had one chair
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
WIFE: - "If I knew you were so poor, I would never have married you."
HUSBAND: - "But I warned you! I said you are everything I have!"
I was having intimate relations with a married woman.
A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My buddy asked me if he could c**... on my couch tonight
I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...
If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!
1981:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2005:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2018:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool is in the Champions League's final
3.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't archeologists get married?
They are only interested in dating.
A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"
"Get married," replies the Rabbi.
"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"Not really, but the desire will disappear."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Son asks his dad the meaning of the word gay
Dad, what does gay mean?
Well, it can mean two things. It can mean that a man is attracted to another man. Or it could mean happy.
Dad, are you gay?
No son, I'm married to your mother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.
I'm sorry to hear that, says the first man. Couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?
Nope, replies the second guy. Everyone's at the f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
A male snake charmer married a female undertaker..
Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse"
I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name
We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').
I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.
So when I go around and introduce my child I could say
"This is our child 모 Lester"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...
Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn't think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, I think we should get married!
Wait, his girlfriend said, taken aback, are you serious?
I think I am, he said.
You're proposing to me here on the couch? she asked.
Yes, I guess I am, he said.
That's not much of a proposal, the girlfriend said. I think you can do better.
I thought so, too, the young man said. But your sister already said no.
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there's not a single person there.
A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man stammered, "Yes."
Bang! The robber shoots him.
He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...
One lady whispers 'I'm getting a b**... job'
2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'
1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'
The secret to a long life.
Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you you a secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I've been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!
Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?
The old man answered: I'll tell you another secret: she'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.
With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner's daughter.
On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys.
Why on earth didn't you tell me? said the astonished lawyer.
You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.
The woman replied, That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of b**... in the family than a lawyer".
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.
The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"
"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"
The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days
They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".
Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States".
Two slices of bread got married.
The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him Can we get married in heaven?
St. Peter says Hold on, I'll check.
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says Yes, you can get married in heaven.
The couple then asks What about a divorce?
St. Peter replies I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take to find a lawyer?
Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service
Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.
Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says I used to date that guy before I met you
Bill laughs and laughs and says wow, imagine where you'd be if you would've married that guy!
Hillary looks back at Bill and says I'd be married to the President of the United States
~ Courtesy of my father
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An invisible man married an invisible woman...
Their kids were nothing to look at
A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.
They walk up to God and ask to be married.
God says give me some time and I'll get back to you.
Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.
God responds, "It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
