Married Couple Jokes

So a guy is trying to pick up a girl at a bar

After a couple drinks he asks the girl, "Hey, wanna come back to my place for a good time?"
She replies, "Oh...sorry, but I don't agree with having s**... before marriage."
He says, "Well that's a good thing because I'm already married!"

Since they were a married, a couple has only had s**... with the lights off.

One day, the woman decides to turn the lights on, so while they're doing it, she turns them on and sees that he's shoving a cucumber in her.
She yells: Will you tell me what you're doing?!
The husband answers: I will if you tell me where our children are from.

Men are greedy b**....

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." says the wife. 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.
The husband says, "Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.
Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful b**... should remember - fairies are female.

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

A couple of newlyweds on were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate love making commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a v**...."

The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"

A newly married Deaf couple..

Soon realize that initiating s**... in the dark is quite difficult. The wife decides that if she wants to have s**... she will s**... him once so he knows. He replies, "and if you don't want to have s**... then s**... me fifty times".

The Yeti

A local married couple came forward today and said that a Yeti was spying on them while they were having s**... in their swimming pool, watching them intently before running off into the woods.
Now, I've been called lots of things in the past but that's just mean.

A married couple are having s**......

I don't understand the big deal about same s**... marriage

Ask any married couple, they'll tell you the s**... has been the same for years

A married couple is in therapy

The therapist asks the husband, "When you are having s**..., what do most wish your wife would do?"
The husband answers, "She can do whatever she likes, so long as she doesn't come home without calling first."
(I just made that up.)

TIL that in 2015 Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald became one of the first ever same s**... couples to get married in Ireland.

They're perfect for each other because Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

A long married couple sits in the kitchen.

The wife cooks something, while the husband sits at his table eagerly waiting for his meal. Suddenly the wife soils herself with tomato sauce and turns around to her loved one.
"Well, d**......Look at this, I look like a pig!"
To which the husband responds: "AND you soiled yourself..."
Sounds better in Viennese tongue...but, yeah...

Based on statistics

The most used s**... position among married couples is d**......
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

An older couple is getting married...

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on s**...?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed when she says.
"Darling, now that we are married, I have a little confession to make, I was a h**... before we met, are you OK with that"
He replies "Of course I am darling, we hadn't met then and to be honest it turns me on,so tell me more
She says "Well, my name used to be Brian and I played for St. Helens"

The priest wants to check how the freshly married couple is doing

Approaching their door, he not only finds it unlocked, but slightly ajar, too.
Worrying for their wellbeing , he says his prayers and enters.
As he walks into the living room he finds the husband, lying on the hearthrug, n**..., his back facing the clergyman.
'Are you back my angel?', the n**... asks.
The priest coughs awkwardly and says:'No, but I work for the same guy'

Busy all night

A married couple couldn't make ends meet and ran out of money. They decided since they had to pay the bills the wife would go to the streets to do some hooking.
The next morning she returns with $302 The husband says" Wow, thats great, but which assh*** gave you $2???". "All of them!" said the wife

A couple came up to Rodney Dangerfield for an autograph. Trying to make small talk, they said "Whaddya think? We just got married!"

Rodney: "You both could've done better!"

At a wedding reception, the groom's grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

A married couple have set the words "phone call" if one want to have s**....

One day they have a fight and didn't talk.
The husband said to his kid " tell your mother I want to make a phone call"
The wife told him to tell his father "I don't have enough credit to make a call"
The husband told his kid to tell his wife he will make a phone call outside.
The wife told his kid to tell him " if you did that I will turn the house into a call center"

So this guy's in bed with a married woman when her husband's car gets home

She brings the guy, completely n**..., into the living room and tells him to stand completely still as she covers him in white powder.
Honey, what's that? , said her husband.
Well, it's a statue. I saw the Robinsons down the street got one and I wanted one! , said the woman.
The husband bought it, and the day went on and eventually the couple went to bed.
At about 2 a.m., the husband gets up, goes down to the kitchen, makes a sandwich and grabs a beer. He goes into the living room, and tells the statue : Here you go; I spent two whole days like that at the Robinsons and nobody even offered me a d**... glass of water!

Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.

With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner's daughter.
On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys.
Why on earth didn't you tell me? said the astonished lawyer.
You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.
The woman replied, That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of b**... in the family than a lawyer".