Marrie Jokes
101 marrie jokes and hilarious marrie puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about marrie that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Marrie Short Jokes
Short marrie jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The marrie humour may include short remarry jokes also.
- If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't. - My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
- I asked my wife why she married me. I asked my wife why she married me.
She said Because you are funny.
I said I thought it was because I was good in bed.
She said See? You're hilarious! - I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
- My Daughter asked me "dad, why don't you treat me like a princess." So I married her off to the king of Spain in exchange for 5000 acres on the Costa del Sol.
- A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife Friend: How did she marry you?
Billionaire: I lied about my age
Friend: You said 45?
Billionaire: No! I said 90! - 10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
- I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
- Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't... Because it was booked.
\-My pop - My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a french alliance.
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Marrie One Liners
Which marrie one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with marrie? I can suggest the ones about pause and happily married.
- What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyónce
- I've decided to marry a pencil I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
- What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè
- How did kanye west ask Kim Kardashian to marry him ?? "will i marry you?"
- I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
- Why couldn't stevie wonder see his friends? Because he 's married.
- Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married.
Or settle down with a couple of kids. - Why does a bride always cry at her wedding? Cus she never marries the best man
- How do you turn a Fox into an Elephant? Marry her.
- I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.
- Q: Why can't a blind guy see his friends? A: Because he's married.
- I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
- Its untrue that most women want to get married. I've asked loads and they've all said no.
- How do you marry a country girl? Step 1: A tractor
Step 2: Fertilizer - I married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.
Quirky and Hilarious Marrie Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about marrie you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean married man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make marrie pranks.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Getting married next week
I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.
Why do married men love golf so much?
Because it's not the same three holes over and over again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Since they were a married, a couple has only had s**... with the lights off.
One day, the woman decides to turn the lights on, so while they're doing it, she turns them on and sees that he's shoving a cucumber in her.
She yells: Will you tell me what you're doing?!
The husband answers: I will if you tell me where our children are from.
A married couple is lying in bed.
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
Getting Married!
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.....
The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease...
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?".....
There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'"
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store.
A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.
"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.
She yells, "4!".
He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.
An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.
"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.
"Keep sending them!"
The Married Man's Best Friend Test
A married man decides to find out who really is his best friend, his wife or his dog. he takes both of them and locks them in the trunk of his car. after an hour he opens the trunk.
Which one is happy to see him?
Married farmer driving home on horses
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."
Being married to a photographer is depressing...
...they're always looking at the negatives.
I married an amputee last week
She single handedly changed my life
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple are having s**......
What do a married guy and a single guy have in common?
They both think the other one gets laid more.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple is in therapy
The therapist asks the husband, "When you are having s**..., what do most wish your wife would do?"
The husband answers, "She can do whatever she likes, so long as she doesn't come home without calling first."
(I just made that up.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I have married a ton of women but not once have I ever had s**.... It's unfair!" a man complained in a bar.
"well," said the bartender, "what were you expecting, Father Peter?"
Sorry... dad joke.
So I married way too young...
Oops, she spells it Wei Tu Yung
I married a chinese millionaire
Ka Ching
I've been married to my wife for 27 years but it feels like 27 minutes.
...under water
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver
I only a**... it when I'm drinking
A married couple come to the marriage counselor...
A married couple come to the marriage counselor. The wife complains:
- We were having a perfect marriage until his girlfriend started dating my boyfriend..
I married what some might call a "trophy wife"...
Unfortunately, she wasn't 1st place.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Getting married for s**......
is like flying on an airplane for food.
My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.
We are maid for each other.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..
Turns out her sister had it all along.
I've been married to my binary-loving wife for 11 years.
Next year, we will have been married for 100 years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Since married famous people often mix names, shouldn't Hillary and Bill's be...
h**...?
Two married man talking..
1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.
I married way too young
She was chinese.
If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence.
In the country it's called sibling rivalry.
A married couple came upon a wishing well
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a quarter. The wife decided to make a wish, too but she leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
I just married again after a divorce...
It was a wife changing experience.
I married Miss Right...
I just didn't know her first name was Always
I've been married for eight years and I still get head weekly.
My wife would kill me though if she knew how much I was paying for it.
I'm married to Wonder Woman.
She wonders when I'll grow up.
She wonders when I'll take the garbage out.
She wonders when I'll finally get a promotion.
She wonders why she ever married me.
A married couple was eating at a restaurant
when the wife noticed her ex-husband sitting at the bar. "He's been drinking since I left him seven years ago" she said to her current husband.
"That's silly, dear" he replied. "No one celebrates that much."
I want to get married on September 11th...
That way I'll never forget my anniversary
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..
I've been married for 20 years,
and I still carry a photo of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I stare at her picture, and it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived that long married to her, I can survive anything.
When I was first married we were very poor, but my wife stood by me
She had to - we only had one chair
Now that I'm married, it's weird not saying "my girlfriend" anymore.
I have to get used to saying "my mistress" now.
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor...
"What seems to be the problem?", asks the counselor
The wife says, "My husband wont talk to me anymore."
The counselor turns to the husband and asks, "Is this true?"
The husband replies "Well i dont like to interrupt."
I married a ghost but we're in couples counseling now...
He can just be so possessive sometimes, ya know?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the n**... is gone.
And I'm left with the maniac.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married man man finds a magic lamp...
He rubs the lamp a few times and a genie comes out and says You are my new master and I'm a genie with a twist so whatever you wish your wife gets two of!
The man says I wish for a mansion! The genie says Okay, but your wife gets two!
He wishes for a million dollars, and his wife gets two million.
For his final wish he looks at the genie and says I wish I was beaten half to death.
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..
I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..
Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old married couple are sitting at the table
The wife suddenly rolls up a newspaper, walks over and smacks him in the head with it.
"Ow!" the old man exclaims, "What was that for?!?!" he asks.
The wife says "For 50 years of bad s**...."
A few minutes later, the husband rolls up a newspaper, walks over, and hits her in the head with it.
The wife yells back "And what was that for?!?!"
The husband says "For knowing the difference."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who's married 10 women but still a v**...?
The Priest
I've been married three times. The second marrige was very turbulent and ended in total chaos.
It was a bad case of mid-wife crisis.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher
You'll never need to do it by hand again
I've never been married.
But I've had a few near Mrs.
A married couple has two beautiful children.
They are getting a third one but this time the child is super ugly.
So the man asks his wife: "Honey, did you cheat on me?"
The woman replies: "Not this time."
Two married ladies go for a girly holiday to the Carribbean
They meet a handsome muscular black man on the first day.
They have a wild week of threesomes and parties, and on the last day the ladies say we never asked you your name.
He replies "my name is snow"
The ladies immediately burst out laughing.
The man looking rather upset asks why they are laughing.
And the ladies say "I don't think our husbands will believe that we got 10 inches of snow in the Caribbean.
A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.
The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It's their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, I'll give you $800 to let that towel drop. The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside. Who was at the door, honey? asks the husband. Oh, it was our neighbor Bob, she says. Great, says the husband. Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?
What do married men and Santa Claus have in common?
They only come once a year.
Me: I should have married for brains instead of beauty.
Wife: I don't get it
(True story)
I'm married to several sweet bears
I'm a big fan of polygummy.
I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name
We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').
I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.
So when I go around and introduce my child I could say
"This is our child 모 Lester"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple have set the words "phone call" if one want to have s**....
One day they have a fight and didn't talk.
The husband said to his kid " tell your mother I want to make a phone call"
The wife told him to tell his father "I don't have enough credit to make a call"
The husband told his kid to tell his wife he will make a phone call outside.
The wife told his kid to tell him " if you did that I will turn the house into a call center"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I married a real princess!
Her mother is a royal pain.
A married couple goes to the doctor
After a long examination and various tests done on the wife, the doctor comes to the husband and says:
"I'm sorry to say this, but... doesn't look very good"
A husband, somewhat shocked, replies:
"I know doctor...
but she cooks well and she's great with children."
Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed
The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says big storm's a brewin . The wife Unicorn then replies, well then I'm glad we didn't go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been married for 24 years. The wife told me the older I get, the more h**... that I am.
I told her that is not true. I just include her in my plans more often.
When I was first married,we were really poor, but my wife stood by me...
She had no choice. We only had 1 chair.
I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but
getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...
One lady whispers 'I'm getting a b**... job'
2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'
1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'
When we got married, my partner turned into A wife.
After our first big argument I started referring to her as my B wife.
She's now up to S wife with just 5 more chances before she becomes the X wife.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple is fighting
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your s**... and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a b**... . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay
A married couple walks into a bar and the husband asks for whatever is on tap and cheap...
...the bartender reaches for the cheap stuff and pours them Busch. They drink a little bit and seem satisfied as the wife asks her husband,
"What beer is this? Who makes it?"
The husband, unsure due to his vague order asks the bartender "Hey, who makes this beer? My wife is curious."
The bartender replies, "Anheuser-Busch."
The husband looks at the bartender with a stern confusion and shouts,
"She waxes, but that's not any of your business! But seriously, who makes this beer?"
A married couple were walking through a garden
when suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them..
The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted, I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog
Moral : No one else can misunderstand a Husband better than a Wife
Why do married people spin their wedding band?
They are trying to figure out the combination
I would like to appreciate all the married nurses for everything they've done for us
Happy Wed-Nurse-Day everyone
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married guy is complaining to his friend
I've been having s**... with my wife lately, but she's been making me pay for it like a h**...!
How much is she charging you?
$50 each time!
d**..., that's a great deal! She's been charging me $200!!
