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Marriages Jokes

119 marriages jokes and hilarious marriages puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about marriages that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Marriages Short Jokes

Short marriages jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The marriages humour may include short jokes also.

  1. I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.
    Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
  2. My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places.... 24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
  3. Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms? Man: Can't say I do.
    Doctor: Yes. That's the main one.
  4. If Christians are against gay marriage... Why do they always talk about Jesus marryin' Joseph?
  5. Son asks dad how much does marriage cost? Dad: i don't know son I'm still paying for it
  6. One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage I accidentally texted my wife I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.
  7. Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage! Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!
  8. After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.
  9. Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms? Patient: I can't say that I do.
    Therapist: Exactly. That's one of them.
  10. Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

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Marriages One Liners

Which marriages one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with marriages? I can suggest the ones about and .

  1. Jeff Bezos only got divorced because he realized his marriage was a union.
  2. How do stoners propose to one another? Marriage, you wanna?
  3. What did Jay-Z call beyonce before marriage? Feyonce
  4. What's the most common marriage proposal? You're what!
  5. Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist. No matter what you say, you're still wrong.
  6. When does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage? When he gets tired of his own hand.
  7. Marriage is like a seesaw. It's not fun if one of them is fat.
  8. Marriage brings two people together to solve issues they never had before
  9. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
  10. How I got out of an abusive marriage I stopped hitting my wife
  11. What goes on forever with no head? A loveless marriage.
  12. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  13. how do stoners propose? "Marriage, you wanna?"
  14. Why did Jeff Bezos get divorced? He realized his marriage was a union.
  15. What has 4 arms and 4 legs and never works out? Marriage

Cousin Marriages Jokes

Here is a list of funny cousin marriages jokes and even better cousin marriages puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In a furious argument, the wife tells her husband... - I should have married the devil instead of you!
    - Well, that's impossible. Marriage between cousins is forbidden!
  • I asked my lawyer cousin, an orthodox Jewish man, his opinion on gay marriage He said "that would be GREAT for business"
  • einstien Einstein married his first cousin... You could say that even his marriage was relative.
  • You know you're an Indian r**... when you have an arranged marriage.... to your cousin.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about marriages can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of marriages puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Marriages Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about marriages you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make marriages prank.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be s**...."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
Edit1: a typo
Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...

St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."

My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.

Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"
Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."
Mom: "Awww!"
Dad: "...Underwater."

A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg...

I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man.
That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."
The wife says, "I want 69."
The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

When I was a kid...

... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"
He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"
"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...

To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...
'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.
At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.
After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a s**...!'

s**... BEFORE MARRIAGE

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?

I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright

Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...

At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

m**... should've been legalized at the same time as same s**...-marriage

because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be s**...

My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman

Which finally gave us something in common.

Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a bakery...

To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)

Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a s**....

The Old Man and his wife

A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

Gay Marriage Licenses

So, 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

o**... said, "18."
A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"
Another guy said, "12."
The French guy piped up again, "119!"
A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"
The French guy shouted, "120!"

Marriage is like a deck of cards

At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...

Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage

So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the c**... and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds,
"I've not put it on yet"

Marriage joke

My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, I said, what would you get?
A bulletproof one, he said. I'm married.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

The king asks a commoner...

"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."
"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner
"To think it over?" asks his majesty.
"No - to fatten her up."

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale...

I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.

What are the 3 stages of s**... after marriage?

Tri-weekly
Try Weekly
and
Try Weakly

Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal

"Will, You, Mary, Me" = a f**... Inquiry

If Christians want to stop gay s**......

they should encourage gay marriage.

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"

Me: "I can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's one of them."

My parents always warned me about having s**... before marriage...

But somehow I'm in their wedding picture.

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!

Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring.

Then comes the suffering.

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"
the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."
The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"
"no son, i have a wife..."

A marriage is a lot like a card game

In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a s**....

Premarital s**...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

Did you hear that oj simpson wants to try marriage again?

He says he wants to take another stab at it.

My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage

Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I'd forgotten I had.

Mainly when I smiled.

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning

I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

My marriage was a like a hurricane.

At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a s**....

A man visits his 70th class reunion

He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."

How are marriages like tornadoes?

They begin with a lot of blowing and s**..., but in the end you lose your house.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be s**...." [Leviticus 20:13]

My son asked what marriage was like.

I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a s**....

Why is a marriage like a hurricane?

At the beginning there's a lot of blowing, and when it's over your house is gone...

There are three stages of s**... after marriage:

1. Tri-weekly.
2. Try weekly.
3. Try weakly.

My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

There is a husband and a wife that, over their marriage, have eight kids.

One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.
The husband goes to his wife and asks her, "Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?"
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, "So who is Billy's father?"
"You."

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?
You.

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.

Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.
Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.
Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn't think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, I think we should get married!
Wait, his girlfriend said, taken aback, are you serious?
I think I am, he said.
You're proposing to me here on the couch? she asked.
Yes, I guess I am, he said.
That's not much of a proposal, the girlfriend said. I think you can do better.
I thought so, too, the young man said. But your sister already said no.

Marriage is like a deck of cards...

At the start you need a heart and a diamond. At the end you need a club and a s**....

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

…that means no s**... before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
‟It is simple billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age
‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you're? A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
‟85 years old

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more s**... would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be s**...."

An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage

He went to a l**... shop to get a s**... l**... for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.
Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought He does not have a great eyesight. I will go n**... and he would not even know . So she entered the bedroom n**....
Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered, Well, for the price I paid, they should have atleast ironed it .

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart?

Use divorce, Luke

Marriage Advice

It was a long time ago, but I still remember my Father dispensing this important advice, "Son, marry a girl who has the same belief as the whole family."

To which I replied, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who believes I'm a m**...?"

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more s**... would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these marriages jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.