The Best 45 Marriages Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Marriages jokes. There are some marriages marriage jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these marriages ideal puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Marriages Jokes and Puns

After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..

She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?

Marriage or Death

At my second wedding my buddy was giving a speech. He started by telling me he had some bad news - 50% of marriages end in divorce. That's not the worst part though - the other half end in death. So I started thinking, my first one ended in divorce, so the odds are in my favor. I wondered about the math, so I started doing the equation and it turns out I'd rather be single than dead.

- I'm writing a set, notes and critiques are more than welcome

Why do melons have traditional marriages?

Because they cantaloupe

Marriages joke, Why do melons have traditional marriages?

From the turn of the 18th century, to the mid 1960's Blacks and Whites were legally forbidden from entering into interracial marriages. The reasoning behind this restriction?

It produced mixed results.

List of the shortest books

1. The Australian Book of Foreplay.

2. Contraception by the Pope.

3. The American Guide to Etiquette.

4. Healthy Marriages by the British Royal Family.

5. Consumer Marketing Ethics.

6. Career Opportunities for History Majors.

7. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan.

8. Integrity by Bill Clinton.

9. The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush.

10. What I've Accomplished by Barack Obama.


Wanna know the best part about being in 10 year long marriages?

Having sex with a different woman every year.

There are marriages that end well...

...and others that last forever.

Marriages joke, There are marriages that end well...

Morehead Kentucky

Its ironic that marriages are now happening again in morehead Kentucky.. Normally when you get married it turns out to be less head.

Why do Jews not support arranged marriages?

Because the Torah doesn't allow "force kin".

The most successful marriages and the very worst marriages end exactly the same way...

...with one partner watching the other one die.

Never understood why my friends never asked for relationship advice from me.....

I've had over 9 successful marriages.

You can explore marriages wedlock reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean marriages spouse dad jokes. There are also marriages puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Alcohol is an excellent solvent.

It dissolves marriages, friendships and organs.

Half of all marriages end in divorce...

The other half end in death.

An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.

This time to a funeral director.

The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.

She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why?

1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.

Slightly over half of marriages end in divorce...

... the rest are fatal.

50% of marriages end in divorce...

that means that the other 50% end in *death*

Marriages joke, 50% of marriages end in divorce...

Marriage and Divorce

If men behave after marriage the way they do before it,
half the divorces won't take place..

On the other hand,

If women behave before marriage the way they do after it,
half the marriages won't take place

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Marriages of x and y are = x + y

That marriage in India will be ( ∫xdx + ∫ydy)^x*y


How are new marriages just like LOST?

The Significant Others just want babies.

I've been in two unhappy marriages...

My first wife left me, and my second wife won't ;)

A wedding toast

They say half of all marriages end in divorce...well, the other half end in death. So I guess I hope you die.

My mother heard about Sean Beans recent marriage.

"I think it's his fifth marriage." says Dad.

"Wow." says Mom. "His marriages are like his roles in film. Short Lived."

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

Marriages are like water heaters

They sit peacefully for years, until they explode in a fireball ruining everything you own

Apparently 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce...

So if your dad hasn't been divorced, your step-dad probably has.

Marriages are like arrests.

Anything you say can and will be used against you in court.

How are marriages like tornadoes?

They begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your house.

I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday

What do Marriages and Tornadoes have in common?

There's a lot of sucking and blowing and suddenly you've lost your house.

I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday

One of my biggest fears is getting married. I hear that 50% of all marriages...

...last forever.

I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..

Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

Why are melons stuck in arranged marriages?

Because they cantaloupe.

Why did Jeff Bezos divorce his wife?

Because he found out marriages are classified as "recognized unions."

Some people say they don't believe in successful marriages.

I don't think they're right. I've had four successful marriages myself.

Trump says he believes in traditional marriages

He has had 3 of them so far

Trump really believes in traditional marriages

He's had three of them

I'm afraid my marriage is going to suffer the same fate that half of all marriages have already suffered.

Continued marriage.

Why didn't Luke Skywalker's marriages ever last?

He wanted to follow Obi-Wan's advice: "Use divorce, Luke"

Why are Unhappy Marriages like the Police

They crush the life out of you.

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

In a British bar,

a discussion about arranged marriages took place as follows:

English gentleman: How could you marry a woman before knowing her?

Indian man: How could you marry a woman AFTER knowing her?

End of the discussion.

Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast?

Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the marriages divorce jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working marriages matrimony piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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