Marriage Jokes

Funniest Marriage Short Jokes

Short marriage jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The marriage humour may include short married life jokes also.

1. I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.
   Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
2. My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places.... 24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
3. Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms? Man: Can't say I do.
   Doctor: Yes. That's the main one.
4. If Christians are against gay marriage... Why do they always talk about Jesus marryin' Joseph?
5. Son asks dad how much does marriage cost? Dad: i don't know son I'm still paying for it
6. One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage I accidentally texted my wife I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.
7. Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage! Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!
8. After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.
9. Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms? Patient: I can't say that I do.
   Therapist: Exactly. That's one of them.
10. Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

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Marriage One Liners

Which marriage one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with marriage? I can suggest the ones about wedding and getting married.

1. Jeff Bezos only got divorced because he realized his marriage was a union.
2. How do stoners propose to one another? Marriage, you wanna?
3. What did Jay-Z call beyonce before marriage? Feyonce
4. What's the most common marriage proposal? You're what!
5. Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist. No matter what you say, you're still wrong.
6. When does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage? When he gets tired of his own hand.
7. Marriage is like a seesaw. It's not fun if one of them is fat.
8. Marriage brings two people together to solve issues they never had before
9. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
10. How I got out of an abusive marriage I stopped hitting my wife
11. What goes on forever with no head? A loveless marriage.
12. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
13. how do stoners propose? "Marriage, you wanna?"
14. Why did Jeff Bezos get divorced? He realized his marriage was a union.
15. What has 4 arms and 4 legs and never works out? Marriage

Before And After Marriage Jokes

Here is a list of funny before and after marriage jokes and even better before and after marriage puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
• My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
• My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.
• My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman Which finally gave us something in common.
• Gay Marriage Licenses So, 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.
• One spelling mistake can destroy your marriage, a husband sent a text to his wife reading I'm having a wonderful time, I wish you was her.
• Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?" Me: "I can't say I do."
  Therapist: "That's one of them."
• Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring. Then comes the suffering.
• What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart? Use divorce, Luke
• My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

Before Marriage Jokes

Here is a list of funny before marriage jokes and even better before marriage puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.
• They say marriage is like a three-ring circus First, you get the engagement ring.
  Then, you get the wedding ring.
  And finally, you get suffering
• My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
• Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship. Blame her and her mother.
• What is the difference between marriage and death? When you're dead you don't wish that you were married.
• 44% of Marriages end in divorce. That means 56% of marriages are fatal.
  I love statistics.
• After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I'd forgotten I had. Mainly when I smiled.
• A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg... I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man.
  That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!
• Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US? I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright
• What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

Before Marriage After Marriage Jokes

Here is a list of funny before marriage after marriage jokes and even better before marriage after marriage puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Why is a marriage like a hurricane? At the beginning there's a lot of blowing, and when it's over your house is gone...
• Did you hear that oj simpson wants to try marriage again? He says he wants to take another stab at it.
• My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
• Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day... At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."
• My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.
• My girlfriend said to treat her like a princess So I forced her into a marriage with a man she'd never met so that I could make an alliance with Poland.
• Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor? He kept telling people to "use divorce"
• Marriage joke A little boy says, 'Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.' 'Son,' says the dad. 'That happens everywhere.'
• They say Gay marriage will ruin the fabric of society... ...which is ridiculous, a gay man would never ruin fabric.
• My friend and his wife found each other on a dating website, Three years after marriage. That was awkward.

After Marriage Jokes

Here is a list of funny after marriage jokes and even better after marriage puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• My wife asked me if there are any ways to save our marriage I said yes, there are threeways
• Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos' marriages both end in divorce? Because they realized they were in a union.
• It really is weird it took so long for America to legalize gay marriage Considering they have four fathers
• How is marriage and cpr training the same? You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again
• A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife... She asks him what he's looking for.
  He replies, "oh just the expiration date!"
• Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license? Because it means they *cantaloupe*
• Why Did it Take so Long to Legalize Gay Marriage? Because their priorities weren't straight.
• Wife was massaging her husband's head. Wife : you always ask for a head massage. Wonder who gave it to you before marriage.
  Husband : well no one did , I didn't need one since there was no headache!
• My therapist told me, You have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms? I said, Can't say that I do.
  My therapist said, Yes, that's the main one.
• Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. She didn't have to hear about his mom's cookin' and he didn't have to hear about all the other men she could have married.

Marriage Anniversary Jokes

Here is a list of funny marriage anniversary jokes and even better marriage anniversary puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• I bought my wife and I Walkie-Talkies for our anniversary but I can't tell if she likes them. Wife: "We don't need Walkie-Talkies, this marriage is over."
  Me: "This marriage is what? Over."
• My wife and I just celebrated 10 years of a happy marriage! Coincidentally it happened to be our 30th anniversary.
• What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
• Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
  Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
• A couple is being interviewed for they 50th marriage anniversary Journalist: In fifty years of marriage you never though about a divorce?
  Wife: h**..., yes. Divorce, never!

The Funniest Marriage Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh

What funny jokes about marriage you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean divorce jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make marriage pranks.