marriage Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious marriage stories

What are the best Marriage puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Marriage? Well here is a complete list of Marriage dad jokes:

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

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I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

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My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

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Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

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Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...

To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

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a nice Italian couple . . .

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka
her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."

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My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"

He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"

"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".

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When I was a kid...

... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

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SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

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The key to a happy marriage...

A couple who have been married for a few years decide to consult a marriage counsellor to try and resolve their problems. To begin, the marriage counsellor says the couple, "Tell me something you two have in common."

The husband quickly replies, "Well, neither of us sucks dick."

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Fondling in bed

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her neck.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hands down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He said "I found the remote".

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Before and After Marriage

**Before Marriage:**

Her: Hey!

Him: Finally, I have been waiting for so long..

Her: Do you want me to leave?

Him: No, I wouldn't even dare think about that

Her: Do you love me?

Him: Ofcourse, a lot!

Her: Did you ever cheat on me?

Him: NO, why would you ask me that?

Her: Do you want to kiss me?

Him: Every time I get the chance!

Her: Will you ever hit me?

Him: No, I'm not that kind of a person.

Her: Can I trust you?

Him: Yes

Her: Darling

**After Marriage: Read the joke from the bottom to the top**

^^This ^^joke ^^translated ^^worse ^^than ^^I ^^had ^^hoped..

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A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

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(NSFW) Wedded bliss?

A man and woman had been happily married for 30 years, and had four children.

During their marriage, they always left the lights off when making love. The man had a small penis and was sure that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her instead. All these years she had no clue.

One day, curiosity got the better of her and she decided to reach over and flip on the lights and she saw the dildo. She said "I knew it, you asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

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Family xmas problem solved

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

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My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.

Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"

Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."

Mom: "Awww!"

Dad: "...Underwater."

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What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before marriage?

Feyonce

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Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

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Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?

I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright

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Marital Secret

After thirty years of marriage, an Italian woman addressed her husband one evening.
'For thirty years I've done everything you expected and asked of me without complaint. Now after 30 years together I wish to ask two things of you so that I may be even happier in my old age.'
'What are they?' asked the husband.
'My love, you always picka your nose,' replied the wife, 'and I wish you would not do that.'
'And the other thing?' enquired the husband.
'Whenever we have sex, always you are on top and I would really like to be on top of you sometimes.'
'Well my dear' said the husband. 'I have tried, as you have, to make our marriage good, and foremost in my mind I have kept the words of your father when we were first married. He said only two things to me. First he said, "Now you marry my daughter make sure you always keep your nose clean." And second, he said, "Don't fuck up."

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Three men were exchanging stories about their sexual activity with their wives.

The first man says: "I remember how the first night of my marriage went wrong. After the wedding, I went to bed where my wife was waiting for me. I had had a little too much to drink and was kind of fuzzy.
so after sex, out of habit, I handed her $50. That's when she slapped me and called me a whore monger."


"The same happened to me" said the other guy. "I had also drank more than I could handle, but I did what I had to do. After I fucked her, I handed her $60, she slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week"


"My situation was even worse" said the third guy.


"Why? How did she react?"


"I had downed more bottles than usual to celebrate my wedding and couldn't think straight. So after we had sex, I gave her a $100 bill."


"She slapped you too?"


"No. She gave me $30 in change."

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Spaghetti

For years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

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What's the most common marriage proposal?

You're what!

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Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist.

No matter what you say, you're still wrong.

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25 years of marriage

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed

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Secrets to a happy marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.







2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.







3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.







and MOST important...







4. It is important that these three women never meet.

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Marriage.....

......... is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade

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Wife spices things up!

A wife, worrying about the state of her marriage, decides to spice things up in the bedroom by adding some costume play. She buys a sexy supergirl outfit and when her husband is in bed slips it on. She walks out, poses seductively and says "Superpussy". Her husband, not looking up from his crossword says "I'll have the soup thanks".

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The 4 rules of marriage.

A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,

"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."

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They say Gay marriage will ruin the fabric of society...

...which is ridiculous, a gay man would never ruin fabric.

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Muslim Romance

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.

"Yes," he replied, but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!

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Marriage is like a seesaw.

It's not fun if one of them is fat.

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For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

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Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

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THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage

1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.

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What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

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Fifty Years of Marriage

An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of mariage.

"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.

"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.

"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."

"Such as?"

"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."

"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"

"I'm going back to visit her."

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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

**She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.**






Source: The furthest source I could track this anecdote back to was Henny Youngman

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Smart Ass Out Of The Box Answers By Students Who Failed

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle



Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page



Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid



Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage



Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams



Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner



Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half



Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

* it will simply become wet



Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??

* No problem, he sleeps at night.



Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..



Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?

* Very large hands



Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built.



Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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What has 4 arms and 4 legs and never works out?

Marriage

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So a guy is trying to pick up a girl at a bar

After a couple drinks he asks the girl, "Hey, wanna come back to my place for a good time?"

She replies, "Oh...sorry, but I don't agree with having sex before marriage."

He says, "Well that's a good thing because I'm already married!"

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What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

It begins with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you still loose your house

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Getting Married!

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.....

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease...

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?".....

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'" 

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You can only do this after 15 years of marriage!

After 15 years of marriage, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said:

ABCDEFGHIJK.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot" he replied.

Smiling, she asked: What about IJK?

He replied: I'm Just Kidding!

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Inauguration Limerick by Stephen Colbert

There once was a man named Barack
Whose re-election came as a shock
He raised taxes I pay
And turned marriage gay
And now he's coming after your Glock

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Asking for her hand...

A guy went to his girlfriend's house for dinner to gain her father's permission for marriage. After the dinner, she and her mother went to the kitchen while her father and the guy sat down in the living room to talk this through.

The father said, "Okay son, I understand the purpose of this visit. You have come to ask permission for my daughter's hand in marriage from me. I will make this short and easy for you so we can get this finished quickly and talk about the real, interesting stuff like that game last night, haha. So, what I want from you is to summarise in just one sentence, the answer to this question: Why do you want her hand?"

The guy thinks for a while, and then replies, "Well, sir, you see... my hand has grown kind of tired by now..."

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An old man found a box in his attic.

Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what about the money?" the old man asked. His wife smiled and said,"That's from selling all the bonnets I've made over the years."

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So a husband and a wife are talking...

Wife: "What are you doing."
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You have been starring at our marriage certificate for hours!"
Husband: "Ok, I'm looking for an expiration date."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best marriage jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about marriage. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty marriage gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these marriage jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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