Marriage Jokes

What are some Marriage jokes?

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can't say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That's the main one.

Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekly

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...

To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a bakery...

To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."


(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"

He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"

"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".

When I was a kid...

... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13]

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"

the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."

The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"

"no son, i have a wife..."

How do stoners propose to one another?

Marriage, you wanna?

My parents always warned me about having sex before marriage...

But somehow I'm in their wedding picture.

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?

"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

My marriage was a like a hurricane.

At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

Marriage joke

My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, I said, what would you get?

A bulletproof one, he said. I'm married.

The king asks a commoner...

"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks his majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman

Which finally gave us something in common.

Gay Marriage Licenses

So, 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end you just want a club and a spade

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"

Happy Valentine's, everyone!

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"

Me: "I can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them."

If Christians want to stop gay sex...

they should encourage gay marriage.

Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring.

Then comes the suffering.

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?


Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.


Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage

Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

A marriage is a lot like a card game

In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage

So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the condom and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds,
"I've not put it on yet"

My son asked what marriage was like.

I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

Marriage Counseling

Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning

I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

A man visits his 70th class reunion

He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

How are marriages like tornadoes?

They begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your house.

Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.

Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"

Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."

Mom: "Awww!"

Dad: "...Underwater."

Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal

"Will, You, Mary, Me" = a Foursome Inquiry

Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before marriage?

Feyonce

Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I'd forgotten I had.

Mainly when I smiled.

Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?

I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright

What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

Why is a marriage like a hurricane?

At the beginning there's a lot of blowing, and when it's over your house is gone...

Did you hear that OJ Simpson wants to try marriage again?

He says he wants to take another stab at it.

Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work?

Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...

At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale...

I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.

The Old Man and his wife

A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.

What's the most common marriage proposal?

You're what!

Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist.

No matter what you say, you're still wrong.

My girlfriend said to treat her like a princess

So I forced her into a marriage with a man she'd never met so that I could make an alliance with Poland.

After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.

\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?

\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?

\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.

Secrets to a happy marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.







2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.







3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.







and MOST important...







4. It is important that these three women never meet.

When does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

When he gets tired of his own hand.

Marriage.....

......... is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade

Marriage is like a card game. You start with two hearts and a diamond...

But in the end you need a club and a spade...

Wife spices things up!

A wife, worrying about the state of her marriage, decides to spice things up in the bedroom by adding some costume play. She buys a sexy supergirl outfit and when her husband is in bed slips it on. She walks out, poses seductively and says "Superpussy". Her husband, not looking up from his crossword says "I'll have the soup thanks".

Marriage joke

A little boy says, 'Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.' 'Son,' says the dad. 'That happens everywhere.'

Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?

He kept telling people to "use divorce"

A man is kissing a tractor

A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some sexy thing to a tractor. (Attract her)

First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.

Marriage brings two people together

to solve issues they never had before

The 4 rules of marriage.

A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,

"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."

A guy says to the other...

"Marriage has taken all the joy out of sex."

"How so?"


"You know, there is always the terrifying chance of my wife coming home."

They say Gay marriage will ruin the fabric of society...

...which is ridiculous, a gay man would never ruin fabric.

Muslim Romance

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.

"Yes," he replied, but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!

Marriage is like a seesaw.

It's not fun if one of them is fat.

My friend and his wife found each other on a dating website,

Three years after marriage. That was awkward.

I read that having sex every day for a year could transform your marriage.

It worked so well I'm thinking of suggesting it to my wife.

Four nuns about to take their vows..

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"

"We're from the groom's family."

The First Night of the Honeymoon

The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.

The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.

She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.

"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."

She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.

The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.

She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...

St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed suicide so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."

My marriage is like a game of cards

It started out with two hearts and a diamond, now all I want is a club and a spade.

What do marriage and a tornado have in common?

Starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing and the next thing you know your house is gone.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

How do you feel about sex?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

Marriage jok

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

How to make Marriage jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Marriage to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Marriage? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Marriage pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes