Marriage Jokes
169 marriage jokes and hilarious marriage puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about marriage that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a good laugh, then you've come to the right place. These marriage jokes are sure to have you chuckling.
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Funniest Marriage Short Jokes
Short marriage jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The marriage humour may include short married life jokes also.
- I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed. - My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places.... 24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
- Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms? Man: Can't say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That's the main one. - Son asks dad how much does marriage cost? Dad: i don't know son I'm still paying for it
- One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage I accidentally texted my wife I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.
- Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage! Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!
- Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
- When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
- My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
- My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.
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Marriage One Liners
Which marriage one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with marriage? I can suggest the ones about wedding and getting married.
- Jeff Bezos only got divorced because he realized his marriage was a union.
- How do stoners propose to one another? Marriage, you wanna?
- What's the most common marriage proposal? You're what!
- Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist. No matter what you say, you're still wrong.
- When does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage? When he gets tired of his own hand.
- Marriage is like a seesaw. It's not fun if one of them is fat.
- Marriage brings two people together to solve issues they never had before
- Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
- How I got out of an abusive marriage I stopped hitting my wife
- What goes on forever with no head? A loveless marriage.
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- What has 4 arms and 4 legs and never works out? Marriage
- I just ended a 15 year marriage. It's ok though, it wasn't mine.
- What do you call a Russian marriage? A Soviet Union
- My marriage was like Algebra... When I looked at my X, i asked Y.
Before Marriage Jokes
Here is a list of funny before marriage jokes and even better before marriage puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman Which finally gave us something in common.
- What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart? Use divorce, Luke
- My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.
- My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.
- My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
- Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship. Blame her and her mother.
- What is the difference between marriage and death? When you're dead you don't wish that you were married.
- 44% of Marriages end in divorce. That means 56% of marriages are fatal.
I love statistics. - After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I'd forgotten I had. Mainly when I smiled.
- A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg... I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man.
That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!
Before Marriage After Marriage Jokes
Here is a list of funny before marriage after marriage jokes and even better before marriage after marriage puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US? I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright
- What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
- My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
- Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day... At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."
- My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.
- Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor? He kept telling people to "use divorce"
- My friend and his wife found each other on a dating website, Three years after marriage. That was awkward.
- My wife asked me if there are any ways to save our marriage I said yes, there are threeways
- Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos' marriages both end in divorce? Because they realized they were in a union.
- It really is weird it took so long for America to legalize gay marriage Considering they have four fathers
Before And After Marriage Jokes
Here is a list of funny before and after marriage jokes and even better before and after marriage puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How is marriage and cpr training the same? You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again
- A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife... She asks him what he's looking for.
He replies, "oh just the expiration date!" - Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license? Because it means they *cantaloupe*
- Wife was massaging her husband's head. Wife : you always ask for a head massage. Wonder who gave it to you before marriage.
Husband : well no one did , I didn't need one since there was no headache! - Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. She didn't have to hear about his mom's cookin' and he didn't have to hear about all the other men she could have married.
- I bought my wife and I Walkie-Talkies for our anniversary but I can't tell if she likes them. Wife: "We don't need walkie-Talkies, this marriage is over."
Me: "This marriage is what? Over." - My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do." If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.
- Never understood why my friends never asked for relationship advice from me..... I've had over 9 successful marriages.
- Wife : You stopped loving me after we got married... Husband :I told you before marriage that I have no interest in married women....
Marriage Is Like Jokes
Here is a list of funny marriage is like jokes and even better marriage is like puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Moss and Algae take a liking to each other. Algae and a Moss took a liking to each other and soon after got married. After a few years they realized their marriage was on the rocks.
- Marriage is like fruit Honeydew this, Honeydew that...
- I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with Its called my marriage license
- Marriage is like a bar of soap... It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it
- Marriages are like water heaters They sit peacefully for years, until they explode in a fireball ruining everything you own
- I'm still on my first marriage, and... Wait, that sounded very negative, as if I don't expect this marriage to last. My current wife hates it when I talk like that.
- My marriage is like a fairytale. I was charming and my wife was beautiful, Once upon a time...
- You want to know what marriage is like? Think of a prison...
Now don't change anything. - Marriage is a lot like PLASTIC BAGS… They help hold a lot of trash together.
Source: my brother during a round of joke boat on jackbox party pack 6 - Marriage is like blackjack Marriage is like blackjack. You can either hit or stay, but you can't do both
Marriage Anniversary Jokes
Here is a list of funny marriage anniversary jokes and even better marriage anniversary puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife and I just celebrated 10 years of a happy marriage! Coincidentally it happened to be our 30th anniversary.
- What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
The Funniest Marriage Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about marriage you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean divorce jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make marriage pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:
**"A man who lays with another man should be s**...."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
Edit1: a typo
Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.
The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?
You.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Premarital s**...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... should've been legalized at the same time as same s**...-marriage
because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be s**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...
Let her keep sleeping.
I uninstalled Facebook as i got depressed of seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage
I uninstalled LinkedIn as i got depressed of seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion
I uninstalled instagram as i got depressed of seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.
But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .
After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.
He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."
Why do guys gain weight after marriage?
Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs…
If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.
"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"
He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"
"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My parents always warned me about having s**... before marriage...
But somehow I'm in their wedding picture.
An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...
Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."
Husband on second day of marriage :-
He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
…that means no s**... before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.
Marriage joke
My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, I said, what would you get?
A bulletproof one, he said. I'm married.
The king asks a commoner...
"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."
"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner
"To think it over?" asks his majesty.
"No - to fatten her up."
A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...
Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn't think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, I think we should get married!
Wait, his girlfriend said, taken aback, are you serious?
I think I am, he said.
You're proposing to me here on the couch? she asked.
Yes, I guess I am, he said.
That's not much of a proposal, the girlfriend said. I think you can do better.
I thought so, too, the young man said. But your sister already said no.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...
Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.
They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Christians want to stop gay s**......
they should encourage gay marriage.
My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage
So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the c**... and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds,
"I've not put it on yet"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage Advice
It was a long time ago, but I still remember my Father dispensing this important advice, "Son, marry a girl who has the same belief as the whole family."
To which I replied, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who believes I'm a m**...?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage
He went to a l**... shop to get a s**... l**... for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.
Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought He does not have a great eyesight. I will go n**... and he would not even know . So she entered the bedroom n**....
Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered, Well, for the price I paid, they should have atleast ironed it .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body
o**... said, "18."
A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"
Another guy said, "12."
The French guy piped up again, "119!"
A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"
The French guy shouted, "120!"
A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage
The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."
The wife says, "I want 69."
The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"
A man visits his 70th class reunion
He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."
Marriage
Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*
Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.
Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.
Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.
Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?
My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.
Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"
Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."
Mom: "Awww!"
Dad: "...Underwater."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal
"Will, You, Mary, Me" = a f**... Inquiry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
The Old Man and his wife
A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.
After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.
\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?
\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?
\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.
After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.
The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"
The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.
9 months later, they had twins.
The 4 rules of marriage.
A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,
"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife spices things up!
A wife, worrying about the state of her marriage, decides to spice things up in the bedroom by adding some costume play. She buys a s**... supergirl outfit and when her husband is in bed slips it on. She walks out, poses seductively and says "Superpussy". Her husband, not looking up from his crossword says "I'll have the soup thanks".
A farmer finds a shoebox under his wife's side of the bed
The box contained two ears of corn and $4000. He went to his wife
Farmer: What's this?
Wife: I have a confession to make. Whenever I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the box.
The farmer gasps, then thinks "50 years of marriage...only twice..that's not too awful.
Farmer: What about the $4000?
Wife: Whenever I got a bushel I sold it.
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is kissing a tractor
A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some s**... thing to a tractor. (Attract her)
First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy says to the other...
"Marriage has taken all the joy out of s**...."
"How so?"
"You know, there is always the terrifying chance of my wife coming home."
Muslim Romance
A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.
"Yes," he replied, but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
two of my friends are getting married tomorrow. what are your favorite wedding/marriage jokes?
The more crass, v**..., and inappropriate, the better.
After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..
She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?
