Marriage Is Like Jokes
102 marriage is like jokes and hilarious marriage is like puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about marriage is like that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Marriage Is Like Short Jokes
Short marriage is like jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The marriage is like humour may include short love is like jokes also.
- My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.
- My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.
- My son asked what marriage was like. I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.
- My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
- Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day... At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."
- My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.
- I bought my wife and I Walkie-Talkies for our anniversary but I can't tell if she likes them. Wife: "We don't need walkie-Talkies, this marriage is over."
Me: "This marriage is what? Over." - Moss and Algae take a liking to each other. Algae and a Moss took a liking to each other and soon after got married. After a few years they realized their marriage was on the rocks.
- Marriages are like water heaters They sit peacefully for years, until they explode in a fireball ruining everything you own
- I'm still on my first marriage, and... Wait, that sounded very negative, as if I don't expect this marriage to last. My current wife hates it when I talk like that.
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Marriage Is Like One Liners
Which marriage is like one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with marriage is like? I can suggest the ones about husbands are like and life is like.
- Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist. No matter what you say, you're still wrong.
- Marriage is like a seesaw. It's not fun if one of them is fat.
- My marriage was like Algebra... When I looked at my X, i asked Y.
- Marriage is like fruit Honeydew this, Honeydew that...
- I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with Its called my marriage license
- Marriage is like a bar of soap... It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it
- You want to know what marriage is like? Think of a prison...
Now don't change anything. - Marriage is like walk in park.... and the name of this park is "Jurassic Park"
- Marriage is like buying a house... ...and prostitution is like renting.
- Marriages are like arrests. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court.
- Why are Unhappy Marriages like the Police They crush the life out of you.
- People ask me what its like to be in a polygamous marriage. I tell them it's S.O. S.O.
- The Confucius saying: Marriage like poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
- Marriage is like a savings account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
- Marriage is like a long boring dinner ... where you ate dessert first.
Cheeky Marriage Is Like Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about marriage is like you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean married life jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make marriage is like pranks.
I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard.
I'm talking day-in and day-out just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it's all over, he showers and goes to his job.
The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day.
So I said, "gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ..."
"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."
"Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Nothing says I love you like divorce papers.
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.
Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"
Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."
Mom: "Awww!"
Dad: "...Underwater."
Talking to women
A newlywed man was talking with an old war veteran about what to excpect in his upcoming marriage. After talking about several different topics the veteran turns to the newlywed and says the most complicated thing that you will come across in marriage is communication. Puzzled the newlywed askes why that is so. The veteran explains by saying that talking to a woman is a lot like walking in a minefield. You hope its clear but you never know when you are going to set her off.
Married in the arctic circle
After 30 years of unfulfilling matrimony a crotchety old Alaskan couple finally decide to seek marriage counseling.
Upon the first meeting with their therapist they both sit down awkwardly on the couch, and pull back their Anorak hoods only to realize that they've been married to the WRONG person for the past 30 years.
The wife sighs, looks at the doctor and exclaims "It's like I've been trying to tell him doctor, I'm just not that Inuit."
The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is...
flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.
She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.
The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."
The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:
"...underwater".
--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It looks like Ireland is going to allow gay marriage
That's great news for Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
There once was a pastor who was in support of gay rights, but refused to preform gay marriage ceremonies.
People kept asking him, "If you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them?"
Based on Trump's History, if elected, he is likely to get divorced and remarried while in the White House
It will be "Marriage Apprentice" White House Edition
A zombie and a ghost go for marriage counselling
And are asked to share their honest feelings
The Zombie "Sometimes I feel like you're not even here!"
The Ghost "Whatever, you're dead to me"
Marriage is like a trip to the museum...
You have to be really quiet and you can't touch anything.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you feel about s**...?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about s**...?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
The Old Man and his wife
A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say s**... after marriage is not the same. My s**... life is like the Olympics!
Happens once every four years, costs me lots of money, & there's usually a big fight afterward.
Math is sad.
It takes hours to try to prove your point, but only one counterexample to destroy everything.
Much like my marriage.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five years in, marriage is still like a party at p**... mansion.
After a few drinks the cracks start to appear.
"Marriage is like a ring of fire"
"Marriage is like a ring of fire", my dad used to tell me. " The men on the outside want to be in it, and the ones on the inside want to get out of it "
Marriage is like a fire.
If you put the logs too close together the fire grows too hot and burns out quickly. If you put the logs too far apart the fire goes cold. The trick is having the logs just the right distance apart.
And every once in a while you have to use your poker.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...
10 Years Marriage
Men: Honey, what would you like to have for our anniversary?
Women: My gift should be able to go from 0 to 100 in no more than 3 seconds!
The men went out for some hours and came back with a scale.
why do people keep putting flag overlays on their avatar when tragedies happen?
like i've seen it happen with france, brussels, gay marriage
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... is like marriage...
Once one person in your group does it a few more follow suit.
Marriage Anniversaries
A couple on their tenth anniversary went to a restaurant because they liked the wine list.
On the twentieth, they went because it was good for the kids.
On their thirtieth, they went because it was quiet.
On their fortieth, they went because it was wheelchair accessible.
On the fiftieth, they went because they had never been and had heard it was good.
Marriage is like Thanksgiving dinner
You can make it last, but it gets a little worse every day.
How are new marriages just like LOST?
The Significant Others just want babies.
Immaturity defined
Husband says to marriage counselor:
"My wife is so immature."
"Can you give me an example?" the counselor asked.
"Well, like every time I'm taking a bath she comes in and sinks all my ships."
Marriage is like blackjack
Marriage is like blackjack. You can either hit or stay, but you can't do both
Marriage is like a sale at a store...
When everything gets stale, everything's 50% off
So I took my girlfriend's virginity and her father found out
It went a bit like this
Father: I can't believe you two did that! You're supposed to stay pure until marriage!
Me: I'm very sorry sir. I assure you it will never happen again.
A marriage license is like a hunting license
both allow you to take away a life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage is like flies on a windowsill...
Those on the outside want in and those on the inside want out.
My mother heard about Sean Beans recent marriage.
"I think it's his fifth marriage." says Dad.
"Wow." says Mom. "His marriages are like his roles in film. Short Lived."
An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...
Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To keep s**... interesting after 4 years of marriage, my wife and I like to roleplay. I pretend I'm the neighborhood handyman..
and she pretends she's still attracted to me.
Party is like a marriage
If you have to convince other to do it with you then its probably not fun for them
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor...
"What seems to be the problem?", asks the counselor
The wife says, "My husband wont talk to me anymore."
The counselor turns to the husband and asks, "Is this true?"
The husband replies "Well i dont like to interrupt."
In the book of Mark, Chapter 12, Verse 25 the jesus says, "In heaven there is no marriage." No men, no women, only angels...
Sooooooo, it's like Berkley?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mark 12:25 And Jesus said; In heaven there is no marriage. No men, no women, only angels.
So it's Social Justice Warrior paradise? Like Berkeley?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage is like prostitution
Your spouse is compensated for s**... satisfaction.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(thought I would pass this along) One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...
**Teacher**: What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
**Johnny**: I would want a wife like the moon.
**Teacher**: Wow! What a choice...Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
**Johnny**: No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...
A very young girl asked her mother to define couple....
And her mother responded: "well, like two or three" and then proceeds to ponder why her marriage didn't last
Marriage is an important institution.
And like any institution, you should be committed before you enter into it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage are like cars.
When they c**... you can't help but watch
A marriage is a lot like an execution.
A whole lot of fuss for something that just takes a second.
Marriage is like flipping a coin, there's a 50% chance of success or failure.
I'm on my third flip.
Maybe a fourth depending on if my wife burns dinner tonight or not.
My wife and I started visiting a marriage counselor
He mentioned that I should start to treat her like our first date
So I took her to dinner, a movie, then dropped her off at her parents house.
Marriage
I don't understand marriage
like I love you so much let's get the government involved
Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...
"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."
"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food for both of us."
A few minutes later, the students again notice that the only elderly man is eating while his wife sits in still silence.
"Perhaps we could get that meal for you after all?" another student asks sheepishly. To which the woman replies:
"Oh no, it's fine. I'm waiting for my turn with the dentures."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage is like a f**...
If you force it, it's s**....
Marriage is a lot like PLASTIC BAGS…
They help hold a lot of trash together.
Source: my brother during a round of joke boat on jackbox party pack 6
One Bill Gates' divorce
According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn't work together as Teams. On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring Finally she realized there was no Window of opportunity to stay together.
