Marriage Advice Jokes
14 marriage advice jokes and hilarious marriage advice puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about marriage advice that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
When the wedding bells ring and the honeymoon phase fizzles out, a little humor can give a refreshing perspective to the marriage journey. And that's exactly what we serve up in this article, a collection of hilarious Jokes on Marriage Advice.
These quips of funny marriage advice for newlyweds, interspersed with bits of old-fashioned marriage advice, are perfect tools to break the ice at your next wedding toast or lighten the mood among hitched couples. These comical takes are not just for your amusement but also serve as an endearing set of wedding advice for the couple.
Amid the charming chaos of married realms, they remind us of a simple, unadorned truth – that laughter, indeed, is the best marriage counselor. So whether you're newly married or a veteran in the realm of togetherness, prepare to laugh, relate, and embrace this matrimonial jest.
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Funniest Marriage Advice Short Jokes
Short marriage advice jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The marriage advice humour may include short marriage counseling jokes also.
- What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart? Use divorce, Luke
- Never understood why my friends never asked for relationship advice from me..... I've had over 9 successful marriages.
- Why is Obi-wan Kenobi a terrible marriage counselor? The only advice he gives is Use di-
vorce - Marriage Joke? My sisters getting married and I need a good joke about marriage to write in my sisters "advice" book.
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Howlingly Hilarious Marriage Advice Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about marriage advice you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean life advice jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make marriage advice pranks.
An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...
Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage Advice
It was a long time ago, but I still remember my Father dispensing this important advice, "Son, marry a girl who has the same belief as the whole family."
To which I replied, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who believes I'm a m**...?"
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.
It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?
I said, The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.
Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, She's probably right.
After performing a marriage ceremony, the Rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds.
"The first ten years are always the hardest," said the Rabbi.
"How many years have you been married?" They asked.
"Ten years," the Rabbi replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man named Arnold offers his newly married son advice on long lasting marriage
"The key, my boy, is to have daily s**..."
"But dad, you and mom don't even sleep on the same bed anymore," replies his son
"I was getting to that," continues Arnold, "tip numba two, get a hot housekeeper."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do
5 Abandon
4 Lie
3 Cheat
2 a**.
..
1 Forget to start the dishwasher
A woman has lived through an abusive relationship with her husband for 10 years.
The husband has beaten her many times over the course of their marriage. Finally, she decides to get a divorce. Everything goes through as normal, and soon she's on her own again. As she is leaving the courthouse, a stranger stops her, having overheard the proceedings.
"What do you want?" the lady asks him.
"I heard of your problems in marriage... let me give you a little piece of advice. If you decide to remarry, do it with a player from the Cleveland Browns," the stranger says.
"Why?
"Isn't it obvious? The Cleveland Browns don't beat anybody."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man is getting married...
...and is very nervous about consummating his marriage. He was raised in a very conservative and religious setting, like his bride-to-be, and is a v**... (as is the bride). He decides to ask a friend of his who has more experience for advice on what he should do.
The friend gives him details on how to do the deed, wishes him luck, and sends the groom off to his wedding.
The next day, the friend calls the groom and asked how everything went.
"I guess it went ok, but to be honest I didn't really enjoy it all that much. It didn't feel nearly as good as I thought it would."
"Huh..." answer his friend. "Well how about your bride? Did she enjoy it?"
"I think so... but again I'm not really sure. She didn't really say anything during the act, but I did notice that her toes would curl up every time I would t**...."
"Ummmm... you did remember to take off her pantyhose first, right?"
Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon.
Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.
The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there.
The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back.
She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.
The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.
He calls his mother a third time.
Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.
He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.
Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.
He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card.
He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
