Marks Jokes

141 marks jokes and hilarious marks puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about marks that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Check out this hilarious collection of jokes about all types of marks, from stretch marks to skid marks, quotation marks to marks and spencer, and even apatite, scars, and proteins! There's something for everyone in this funny compilation of mark-related humor.

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Funniest Marks Short Jokes

Short marks jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The marks humour may include short marker jokes also.

  1. If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called, 'Mark has read'.
  2. This week in DC, mark zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He's explaining Facebook to old people.
  3. I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, - Mark, my words!
  4. Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends, This guy is not your man.
    This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
  5. Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious
  6. The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
  7. The cast of star wars VII just finished their first read through Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said Can I have a word?
  8. Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
  9. My wife asked why I was whispering. I told her that Mark Zuckerburg might be listening.
    Then she laughed, and Siri laughed, and Alexa laughed.
  10. Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

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Marks One Liners

Which marks one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with marks? I can suggest the ones about notes and spots.

  1. What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks.
  2. Yo momma is so fat… …her car has stretch marks.
  3. The latest reviews for The Room are in... overall it's got hi marks.
  4. Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal? No Mark, my wife is a good cook.
  5. Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy? i have no shame.
  6. Highlighter pens are the future... Mark my words
  7. To the English teacher that stole my calendar... Your days are numbered. Mark my words.
  8. What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend? ..accommodating.
  9. The results for The Disaster Artist are in. Overall, it's received Hi Marks.
  10. Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy at $157 Facebook stock price
  11. I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard. I expect a long sentence.
  12. Women are like raincoats. In a box in my attic marked "raincoats."
  13. Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death? She was the queen of denial
  14. I'm going to start collecting highlighters Mark my words
  15. What did Mark Zuckerberg say when the US shot down the UFO? Oh no, not my Uber!

Skid Marks Jokes

Here is a list of funny skid marks jokes and even better skid marks puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog
  • Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road, and a dead politician on the side of the road? The skid marks infront of the dog.
  • There is an upside to eating Tide Pods.... It takes the skid marks out of your underwear.
  • What's the difference between a dead cat and a dead lawyer on the road? The dead cat has skid marks around it.
  • What is the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer? Skid marks leading to the skunk!
  • Rat vs lawyer What's the difference between when a lawyer gets killed by a car and a rat that gets killed by a car?
    There were no skid marks for the lawyer.
  • What do you call skid marks on Spider-Man underwear? The Dark Web
  • What's the difference between roadkill and a viola in the middle of the road? There are skid marks leading up to the roadkill.
  • Whats the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk on the highway? Skid marks in front of the skunk.
  • Whats the difference between a lawyer and a raccoon? when found dead on the side of the road, the raccoon has skid marks in from of it.

Stretch Marks Jokes

Here is a list of funny stretch marks jokes and even better stretch marks puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you pick Dolly Parton's Kids out of a crowd? They're the ones with stretch marks around their lips.
  • Yo mama so fat Her CAR has stretch marks
  • How can you tell Sofía Vergara's children on the playground? They're the ones with stretch marks on their lips.
  • My patience has stretch marks.
  • Why do gay men have mustaches? To hide the stretch marks.
  • There's only one... There's only one place a man would want stretch marks.
  • My boyfriend complains about my stretch marks. He failed school. I say these are the only marks you'll ever get.
  • Yo mama so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the tub.
  • Yo mama is so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Marks joke

Quotation Marks Jokes

Here is a list of funny quotation marks jokes and even better quotation marks puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Obama's announcement Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of "U.S. Government" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.
  • Putting quotation marks around random words in sentences So I got up today after a "long" nights sleep, got dressed, and "woke up my kid".
  • Two quotation marks... Two quotation marks surrounded a "bar".
Marks joke, Two quotation marks...

Great Marks Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about marks you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dots jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make marks pranks.

Italian Wedding Invitation (must be read aloud, including punctuation marks)

**You, wedding Rosa mister.**

Roadkill...must have been a lawyer

Two men were walking along a road when they came across roadkill.
"I wonder what that was." said one of them.
"Looks like a lawyer to me." said the other.
"How do you know that?" said the first.
"No skid marks."

What's black, has bite marks and isn't needed any more?

Philip Hoffman's belt.

There was a question about Greece's economy in a German maths exam. What was it worth?

Two marks.

Today marks 365 days of sobriety.

364 more to go

My professor, Mark, jacked off on my genetics exam.

I didn't pass, but I got partial Marks.

How to Make your skin Wrinkle free

If you want to remove
face marks &
7 signs of skin-aging…
you should try
'Adobe Photoshop'!

What's the difference between running over a lawyer and running over an aardvark?

There's skid marks leading to the aardvark's dead body.

How do punctuation marks get freaky?

The comma sutra

What did Tommy Wiseau say when he got an A on his final?

Oh, hi Marks!

Step 1) Get a job selling punctuation marks.

Step 2) ??????
Step 3) Profit.

I really need to work on my accent marks

Or else my French grades may be in grave danger.

East and West Germany

In West Germany your job determines your Marks.
In East Germany Marx determines your job.

What's the difference between a squirrel and a politician lying dead in a ditch?

There are brake marks before the squirrel.

Today marks my tenth year driving trains

Finally, you can call me a superconductor.

Today marks the completion of the Mexican presidents official jet...

Air Force Juan

I was an alcoholic for seven years.

Today marks my eighth.

Why did the old man get kicked off the nudist colony's golf course?

He kept leaving ball marks on the greens.

The water bear got poor marks because he was always late for class.

I guess you could say he got tardi-grades.

A burly man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for another tally mark tattoo

The tattoo artist, a bit worried, asks what all the growing number of tally marks is keeping a record of. The burly man gruffs:
"The number of tattoos I've gotten"

In 2017 I'm going to start eating healthy again.

This marks the end of my cheat decade.

I use women's deodorant

The one they advertised that stops white marks on black dresses. It stops the marks but the dress gets suspicious looks.

s**... positions for grammar n**...

There was once a book written in ancient India about s**... positions using punctuation marks.
It was called the comma sutra.

Henry VIII's wife is covered in bite marks

Because he's Tudor

Why did the punctuation mark have such an easy time going out with other punctuation marks?

It was a comma dating.

KGB Agents

Two KGB Agents talk:
- What happened to him?
- He ate bad mushrooms
- Why are there beating marks on the body?
- He didn't want to eat them

Today marks a very special landmark

Whitney Houston has been clean for five years

Why when theyre arrested do women only spend a month in jail?

Because a period marks the end of a sentence

I see marks of Jesus on everyone.

I have astigmatatism.

Whats a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?

Because it marks the end of a sentence.

"Mark my words..."

"Marks dead, dude."
"Oh. Well. Then Bob my words!"

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.
She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.
He asked: Why are periods so important?
The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask?
Little Johnny replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period and my Mom fainted, my Dad started yelling and the next door neighbor shot himself

Today marks the 80th anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster.

Next up: Led Zeppelin.

How do you find a King's treasure?

Rex marks the spot.

A group of blondes pass the bar...

With high marks.

What's the difference between a snake and a politician, found dead on the road?

There are tire marks before the snake

I think my dog has a speech impediment but I'll never know for sure.

He only marks when I'm not home.

Two punctuation marks went out on the town

They were a comma dating

Last Holloween I was visited by person wearing a costume of Gloria Gaynor with blood marks

At first I was afraid; I was petrified.

Yo mama so big

_She doesn't get periods, she gets exclamation marks._

A professor was giving a student his final marks.

The professor told the student that he got an 8. The student quite surprised asked the professor, "Out of".
"Mercy" the professor replied, "Mercy".

The reviews for The Disaster Artist are coming in

They have received, oh, hi Marks

What was the difference between the dead lawyer and the dead cat on the side of the road?

The cat had tire marks before it.

Tommy Wiseau was my favorite college professor

He always gave me hai marks

Miranda had scraped knees...

..."Why have you got those marks on your knees?" her friend asked.
"Oh! It's from making love. d**...."
"Well, why don't you change positions then?"
"I'm willing, but the dog isn't."

Doctor to Patient - Your kidney failed.

Patient - What was the pass marks?

My wife has extremely fair skin, so she gets red marks very easily. Which makes it tough to go out in public because...

...I don't want people to think she doesn't listen.

Why were Tommy Wiseau's classmates jealous of him?

Because he had high marks

An illiterate pirate lands at an island with a treasure map.

The map says "X marks the spot."
He is unable to find it.

On this stain remover it said: "Gets rid of all marks."

Now I wish we'd named our son that.

A man went to a tattooist and requested a tally mark on his back

Every couple of weeks, the same customer came in, always requesting the same tattoo: an additional tally mark on an ever-growing cluster of tally marks. One day, the tattooist decides to ask: "What are you counting?"
The man says: "The number of tattoos i've gotten"

A man visit the doctor with terrible burn marks on his ears

A man visits the doctor to look at the burn marks on his ears.
How did you manage to get these burns? the doctor asks.
I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and in my haste I put the iron up to my ear. the man replies.
But you burnt both of them! the doctor says confused.
Well I had to call an ambulance!

I studied s**... in college but didn't pass the final...

I only got hesitation marks.

There were a few marks in the road.

So I told them to get out of the way.

Life was recently discovered on Mars.

NASA had recently sent more cameras to monitor the surface of Mars when they came across a creature that they had never seen before. Due to it's large ears and long tail they decided that this was some new form of feline species. However, upon closer inspection they found that this creature was not moving and in fact had large tire marks across it's back. Based on these findings NASA had but one unfortunate observation to make.
"Curiosity killed the cat"

For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.

I scored full Marks.

Today I celebrated with Champagne...

It marks my one day anniversary of being sober.

How is communism like geometry?

It's really all about Engels and most people only ever think of marks.

Today marks the anniversary of King Dagobert II

R.I.P. Wait, everyone knows good old Dagobert right??

Today marks 10 years...

...since I didn't forward that mail chain that got me bad luck. It's on now

How do you find a dictator on a map?

X marks despot.

What do you call it when a communist dog pee?

It Karl marks it's territory

What do you say to a theologian graduate with a good GPA?

"Oh, high marks! How's your sects life?"

X marks the end of the alphabet...

...very badly

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

Perfectly spell-checked poem

- I have a spelling checker.
- It came with my PC,
- It plainly marks four my r**...,
- Mistakes I cannot sea.
- I've run this poem threw it,
- I'm sure your pleased to no,
- Its letter purfect in it's weigh,
- My checker tolled me sew.
- Cents I began to youse it,
- I'm reel, reel pleased eye I got won.
- My righting's sew much bettor now,
- Ware wood eye bee without won.

Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.
I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.

Difference between a corrupt government getting hit by a car and a deer being hit by a car?

There where skid marks leading up to the deer...

Marks joke, Difference between a corrupt government getting hit by a car and a deer being hit by a car?

jokes about marks