"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"
Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
Dave got in a fight with his wife and took off for the night. He calls up his friend Steve who offers Dave his couch. While they're watching the gave and having a beer Steve asks Dave what happened.
Dave: I've got no idea. One minute we're talking about the dishwasher, the next she's calling me an arrogant, inconsiderate, chauvinistic pig!
Steve: Well what exactly happened?
Dave: Well, she handed me $1200 to go get a new dishwasher, so I gave it back and told her she was hired.
The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.
After a few weeks he comes back to the clinic.
Patient: Doc, I'm now having marital problems. My wife doesn't want to make love to me anymore. Please give me back my old dick back.
Doctor: Nnnononono cccacacannn dddododooo. A a a a a dddededeeaall iiiiss a a a a dddededeal.
Leeroy went to visit his best friend Jethro. When Leeroy arrived, he saw Jethro outside, dancing his butt off in front of his John Deere tractor. Jethro was swaying back and forth, doing the twist, even a little breakdancing. When Leeroy questioned Jethro about what the heck he was doing, Jethro said, Well, Leeroy, as you know, me and the wife, Thelma, have been having marital problems….We've been having a little trouble in the sack, so we went to one of them dang marriage counselors… Leeroy, still puzzled, said, Okay, I get that, but I still don't have a dang clue why you're doing all this shaking and jiving in front of your John Deer.
Jethro replied, Well, the doctor said that if I wanted to improve my love life with my wife, I was going to have to do something sexy to a tractor.
An old man and his wife were getting on a bit, the old mans hearing had gone a while ago but now things had stopped working downstairs. The wife said to him, "Gerald", for that was his name, "Gerald, I have womanly needs, you need to go to doctor, maybe we can get you some viagra".
"What?" replied Gerald, "Doctor!" shouted his wife...
So later that day at the doctors office. The wife explains the marital problem that poor Gerald is having.
"Hmm this is serious" said the doctor.
"What?!" asked Gerald, "He said it's serious!" replied the wife.
The doctor continued "I am going to need to do some tests. I need a the full works; a blood sample, a urine sample, a fecal sample and a sperm sample"
"what he say?!" asked Gerald....
the wife replied "HE NEEDS YOUR UNDERPANTS!"
They decide to go to for counselling.
The counsellor tells the couple: " You both need to give me a positive and a negative part of your relationship for me to understand what's going on."
"A positive and negative? That's impossible" says the husband "they just cancel eachother out and then there's no problem"
"That's easy," says the wife " You do it like this: You have a bigger dick than the rest of your friends"
I was going through a stack of job applications on my desk when one caught my attention. While the applicant's employment history was stellar, and her education history was certainly above average, apparently she had a few personal problems. Under Marital Status she'd written, Not good and under Spouse's name, she'd written Plaintiff".
With a lot of swearing, hammering, and drilling.
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