Marine Jokes

Following is our collection of ocean puns and sailor one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Marine jokes for adults, dirty airforce jokes and clean marina dad gags for kids.

The Best Marine Puns

I think I'm failing my marine biology class

My grade is below C level.

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"

"Yes, sir"

"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"

"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"

A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


Why I Joined the Air Force

The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor said, I'd step on it.
A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.
An Airman said. I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.

You know what you call a marine with an IQ of 160

A platoon.

What do you get if you cross a soldier and a scientist?

A marine biologist.

TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat.

Woops, wrong sub.

I tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements

So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.

What do you call a marine who can't swim?

A submarine.


A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:

---

*Michael*,

*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*

*Love, Elizabeth*

*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*

---

The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:

---

*Elizabeth,*

*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*

*Take care, Michael*

Recently divorced Marine sniper slapped with a 1500 yard restraining order.

He is now struggling to understand the distance that has become between them, as well as windage.

Source: The Onion

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:



"What do you want to be when you grow up?"





Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."



The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..



And how about you, Sarah?"



"I wanna be KevinΒΉs hooker."

How much of sex is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

There's a Marine in Afghanistan

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.

So, the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

No problems

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist go to the beach...

The physicist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the fluid dynamics." The physicist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Then the biologist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the local marine life." The biologist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Lastly, the chemist looks out over the ocean and says "I have come to a conclusion, physicists and biologists are soluble in water!"

The Secret of the Red Shirt

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.

One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.

Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.

Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."




Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.

Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail Hitler we need Diesel!"

Marine Biologists

A team of marine biologists accidentally catch a porpoise in one of their nets. They about to let it go, when they notice it has feet! They study it and perform tests, and are now ready to release it. One of the biologists asks, "Why don't we cut its feet off?" To which the other replies, "That would defeat the porpoise!"

"A vegan, cross-fitter and a marine walk into a bar..."

"I know because they announced it as soon as they walked in"

Military Joke -

I'm a former Army guy and I need some jokes about other branches of the military. So far all I have is:

In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
-With a crowbar.

What's the worst thing in a woman?
-A Marine



So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

[Bad joke] How does a Marine like his eggs?

Semper-fried!

(Bring on the booings and the beatings)

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins...

...that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A marine walks into a bar and tries to order a Bin Laden

What's that? , the bartender asked

The marine replied, two shots and a splash of water .

Painfully bad joke my younger brother told me.

What do you call an expert on marine life? An aFISHionado.

How can you tell if someone has been in the Marine Corps?

Don't worry. They'll tell you.

Marine biologists have discovered a group of killer whales that regularly meets and plays music together.

They call it an orca-stra.

I'm so sad since my pet marine mammal died.

It's like my life has no porpoise anymore.

How do you know if you're an American?

If someone mentions "marine life" and you think of soldiers before fish.

A biologist, a physicist and a chemist visit the beach...

Three scientists visit the beach, a biologist, a physicist and a chemist.

The biologist is so amazed at the marine life that they walk into the ocean never to be seen again.

The physicist is so amazed by fluid dynamics that they walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

The chemist looks at the ocean, picks up a stick and writes a simple observation in the sand. "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water."

Currently the most offensive joke going through my head.

What did the female Marine get moments after she was gang raped by her fellow Marines?

A Dishonourable Discharge.

What happened to the Marine that took a laxative?

He was relieved of doodie.

Why are marines who can't swim better?

They defend the ship with way more enthusiasm.

If a fish died in the ocean...

...does it become a marine corpse?

2 nuns were returning to the monastery after a night of drinking and partying in the town.

While they were crawling under the fence one nun turned to the other and said, "I feel like a Marine!" The other nun replied, "Yeah, I do too. But where are we going to find one at this time of night?"

Nautilus

Two succesful marine biologists come back from their recent expedition, near the seas of Indonesia.

Biologist 1: You won't believe our results. We documented so many different types of fish, including a lot of nautiluses.

Biologist 2: It's not a lie.

How do two Marines find eachother in the dark?

Very satisfying

President Clinton shows up to Air Force One

President Clinton shows up to Air Force One with a pig under each arm.

The Marine sergeant, salutes him and shouts: "Nice pigs, sir"

Clinton looks at him and says: "I'll have you know these are genuine Arkansas razorbacks! I got one for Chelsea and one for Hillary. What do you think about that?"

The sergeant salutes again and shouts: "Nice trade, sir."

What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car?

A Corps vet in a Corvette.

Why did the marine park worker feel aimless?

Because they lacked porpoises.

From my 8 year old daughter. "What is a Marine Biologists favorite instrament?"

The "Tambomarine" Badapisssh...

Recycling is important...

I went to the bar last night. I saw two rather large ladies having a great time. They seemed to be speaking in an Irish accent. I sauntered over and asked them

"Are you ladies from Ireland?"

They responded, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I apologized immediately and said
"Are you whales from Ireland?" I don't remember much after that.

I woke up as a marine biologist!

What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love?

"It's a Moray."

What do you call a marine with an IQ of 160?

A Brigade.

What do you call a Marine that likes to follow orders?

A Sub-Marine!

*attempt at OC joke. I'm sure someone else has thought of this before me though.*

In the Marines they teach you to run towards the people shooting at you.

In the Army they taught us to shoot back.

What do you call a Marine that is bad at their job?

a sub Marine

PETA has done an incredible job in preserving marine life

They saved millions of fish from drowning

What's the difference between a Marine and submarine?

Nothing. The Navy goes down on both of them.

A Space Marine walks into a bar.

He says to the grizzled, portly barkeeper, "Bring me two beers." Seeing that he is alone, the barkeep asks him 'Why two?' The Space Marine chuckles and replies, "Simple, my friend. One for me, and one FOR THE EMPEROR!"

A woman is talking to a marine...

A woman is talking to a marine that she thinks he is uptight, so she aks him when the last time he had sex was. He said 1957. She said wow, so she convinced him to have sex with her and she said that he is still good for it being 1957 when he last had sex. He said i hope so, it is only 2100!

My Marine Biologist friend was so excited about her job.

She said she's found her life porpoise.

Marine biologists were baffled by why Jaws would always swim away after chomping off swimmers' legs.

Turns out he's lack toes intolerant.

I encountered a courteous, safe driver in a practical vehicle that had a marine corps decal on the rear windshield.

My dad wanted me to be a Marine Biologist...

But, I'm too old to join the military.

What did the skeptical marine biologist say before her first day of work?

I think I'm just gonna test the waters...

Why couldnt the guy hold a conversation with the female transgender marine biologist?

They didn't agree on a lot of things, but a big part of it was he didn't speak whale.

Note: In my defense I don't discriminate except by how I know a person. I have friends on all sides of the NFL hype, sexual rights hype, and abortion debate. But this joke gets laughs among them all.

What did the whale say to the diver?

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."

What did the whale say to the marine biologist?

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."

What did the whale say to my wife?

"Hey; you should lose weight."

What did Holly Holm say to Ronda Rousey's date to the Marine Corps Ball?

I hit that.

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

In 1944, a unit of zombie dolphins were deployed by the allies to assist in the invasion of Normandy.

They were named the marine corpse

What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?

One wags it's tale, the other tags a whale.

What do you call a group of musicians in the military?

Marine 5

Did you hear about the patriotic zombie who wanted to serve his country?

He joined the Marine Corpse.

I was thinking of dating this girl I met. She's an marine biologist who works on a submarine.

But between you and me, I think she's a little out of my league.

How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?

One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Signing up for Marine biology this semester was disappointing.

I never learned what's going on in Le Pen's head.

I am starting a sanctuary for oversized marine mammals.

It's called Habitat for Huge Manatees.

Im a Marine Biologist

My Field of study is the naval infantry

How do Marine Animals pass new Legislation?

They ask the Seal of Approval.

How do marine creatures commit suicide?

They krill themselves.

A marine gets a sponsorship deal

For Crayola

What do you call a marine with an IQ of 70?

General

I work for a company who specialises in vacuum packed marine mammals.

We're famous for our airtight seal.

Old Clinton joke

President Clinton is visiting his home state of Arkansas and picks up two razorback pigs from a local breeder.

As he's walking onto Air Force one with a pig under each arm he asks to the marine saluting him, "you ever see such beautiful creatures in your whole life?" ... "No sir, I have not. If I may ask, sir, why did you get the pigs?" Clinton responds, "well I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." ... "Excellent trade sir!!"

Here's a pretty good joke about your pet marine mammal having sex in an auto parts store.

Your welcome in advance.

Interviewer to Marine Corpsman: "What is your stance on guns?"

Corpsman: "Usually behind them"

Marine Le Pen, recount the vote!

I do not trust Arabic numbers, use Roman numerals.

What's the difference between a marine and a bunch of cars at a junkyard?

One goes to sea, the other's cease to go

How do you beat a Marine?

Take him to a spelling B

My dad's better than your dad...

Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better.

"My dad's a fireman" said Billy.

"My dad's a marine!" said Johnny.

"My dad's invisible." said Brian.

What did the marine eat for lunch?

Semper fries

What do you get when a marine dies?

Marine Corps.

There is an abundance of naval jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 87 funniest jokes and marine puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any platoon witze you can hear about marine.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes