Marijuana Jokes

What are some Marijuana jokes?

Who decided to call it marijuana possession"

and not joint custody?

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!

Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.


The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,

what does smoking Marijuana do?

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage

because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

"Whoever smelt it, dealt it..."

"...so technically officer, this is YOUR marijuana"

Teacher at parents meeting :

- Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!

The mother :

- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??

- He said he got it from his best friend.

The father, wiping a happy tear :

- My boy really said that ... ?

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

There was a knock at my door.

I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for marijuana.

I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way."

"Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"

I said, "Because you might find the cocaine."

Why did Obi Wan Kenobi fertilize his lawn with marijuana?

He wanted the high ground.

Marijuana businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..

So long as they open joint accounts.

I like my women like I like my marijuana...

Chopped into tiny pieces and burned to ashes without the police ever finding out.

I went cow tipping in a marijuana field

The steaks were high

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

I'm okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I did an exam on marijuana and ballistic weaponry.

Scored high on the first part, but bombed the second.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said You know you wanna . Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Use contraceptives kids.

So I've got some buddies...

They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical marijuana to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.

Mom, how did I come to this world?

A kid asked his mother:

\- Mom, how did I come to this world?

\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.

\- From that seed - she continued - we grew marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine...

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride.

So get off your high horse.

A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana...

And hands it over to the bank teller.

Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"

The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."

Why shouldn't you feed marijuana to cattle?

Because of the high steaks.

A Rastaman with a bag full of marijuana walks into a bank...

and hands it to a cashier. The angry cashier asks 'Sir, what is this...?' The rasta replies "Wa yah ask foolish question, mi come to open a joint account!!"

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today.

To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

My cows broke out of their pasture, and started grazing in my marijuana field.

The steaks have never been higher.

There is now a bipartisan push to legalize medical marijuana to relieve arthiritis.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.

I think medical marijuana is really good...

... for joints.

I'll see myself out.

Israel officially decriminalizes marijuana use

So that's one country in the middle east where I wouldn't mind being stoned.

A man is pulled over at 2am by a state trooper

State trooper: Hey, where you headed at 2 am sir?

Elderly man: I'm just on my way to hear a lecture about the dangers of drinking and staying out late and smoking marijuana with friends who are a bad influence.

State Trooper: Really? Who's giving that kind of lecture at 2 in the morning?

Elderly man: That would be my wife, officer.

The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop.

The steaks were high.

Instead of marijuana dispensaries why don't they just call it..

Grass stations

FBI Investigation.

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes the they bust open every piece of wood, but finds no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop the wood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. i need my garden plowed."

There's a bipartisan group petitioning for medical marijuana as an option for arthritis patients.

In other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

I only eat beef raised on marijuana...

I like it when the steaks are high.

2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t

when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:

"You big dumb dark cow!"

One of the farmer turns to his friend and says

"look at the pot calling the cattle black"

I'm going to major in Marijuana when I go to college...

I hear it's a growing field.

Who said rednecks aren't real smart?

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.


The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

You can now major in Marijuana at some universities

Guess grades are going to be a little higher this semester!

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I'll call it glazed and confused

Marijuana-Filled Firewood

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yup sure did!'

'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'

'Yup!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'


by mid_nite_poet

What do you call it when the FBI and DEA do a marijuana bust together?

A joint operation.

Oh, Floyd!

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?''
''Yes, what can I do for you?''
''I'm calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.''
''Thank you very much for the call, sir.''
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood... only to find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly the phone rings at Virgil's house.
''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd... Did the Sheriff come by?''
''Yeah!''
'' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!''
Merry Christmas, buddy!''

So I replaced all of the incense in the Friar's chamber with Marijuana

He's a High priest now

Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"

Police: "Yes. What do you want?"

Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding marijuana inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"

Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left his property.

Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:

Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"

Billy: "Yeah!"

Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"

Billy: "Yep."

Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

What do you call a marijuana induced tragedy?

Blunt Trauma

Another Jack and Jill joke

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high, pulled down his fly and asked Jill "Do ya wanna?"
Jill said "Yes" Took off her dress and they had a little fun,
But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son

The FBI made a big marijuana bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of weed to a landfill and had it incinerated. However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead. You know what their study discovered? That there was no tern left unstoned.

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

The real reason Washington state passed Gay-marriage and recreational marijuana use.

Because the bible says when two men lie together, they should be stoned.

The worst stash spot

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yup sure did!'

'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'

'Yup!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

Police are searching for some lost cows in a marijuana field...

...the Steaks have never been higher.

I watched a documentary on marijuana last night

It was amazing. I'm going to start watching everything that way!

Doctor: the test results came back...

...and you've tested positive for opiates...

Patient: I ate a bagel this morning.

Doctor: ...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you're pregnant.

Patient: it was an everything bagel.

Marijuana Possession?

More like joint custody.

I call my Marijuana the Koran

Because burning either one will get you stoned

^

How to make Marijuana jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Marijuana to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Marijuana? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Marijuana pick up lines to share with friends.

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