Marie Name Jokes
52 marie name jokes and hilarious marie name puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about marie name that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Marie Name Short Jokes
Short marie name jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The marie name humour may include short maria jokes also.
- So there's this girl named Mary... 1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet - I was born Mary Patterson... but then I married and, naturally, I took my husbands name. So now I'm Neil Patterson.
From "A Bit of Fry and Laurie" - I work for a company that legally changes names A woman named Tina came in the other day and I was really impressed. I'm gonna Mary her
(it's my cake day... take er easy) - Good-for-nothing Husband: What are these good-for-nothing broken condoms doing on the sofa?
Wife : For god's sake , Thier names are John and Mary. - If the baby is a girl we're naming her Mary... If the baby is a black I'm killing my wife.
- I really love the names Chloe, Mary, and Lydia, but I couldn't choose my favourite when my daughter was born So I combined them and got Chlamydia. It's just so catchy!
- Mary's father has 5 daughters,
1. Nana
2. Nono
3. Nini
4. Nene
What is the fifth daughters name? - Mary has is from a family with 5 sisters. The eldest sisters' name is Twa, second is Twe, third is Twi, the fourth is Two. What's the 5th sisters name? Twu. Mary is a dude.
- Hey man need some help here. Gotta a problem with my girl Mary's ex. His name Joe.. You know someone that could help me take care of this problem? Yeah, I Noah guy...
- During confession I told my priest I'd been shooting up a designer drug called "Jesus Christ". He said "Ten Hail Mary's. Thou shalt not take god's name in vein."
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Marie Name One Liners
Which marie name one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with marie name? I can suggest the ones about marie antoinette and jean.
- Jesus Christ was supposed to be named Franklin.... Until Mary stubbed her toe.
- What was the Mother Mary's last name? Christmas.
- What do you call an Asian substitute teacher named Marie? The Yellow Sub Marie.
- What is the name of Santa's wife? Mary Christmas.
- What did the s**... name his daughter? Mary Joanna
- What's black and white and has a dirty name? Sister Mary f**...
Marie Name Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about marie name you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sister mary jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make marie name pranks.
An Irish Painter
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the n**.... This being
the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in
fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked
much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the
decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The
wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the n**... all right; but I have to at least leave me
socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
there were two kids in a sunday school...
there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the v**... mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"
The husband and the horse.
The husband seated, reading his newspaper when his wife, furious, came from the kitchen and hits him in the head with a skillet .
Startled, he gets up and asks:
- Why did you do that? She responds: - I found this is the piece of paper in your pants with Mary's name and number. - Honey, remember the day I went to the horse racing? Yeah ... Mary was the horse I bet on, and the number was how much they were paying for the bet. The woman then left asking for apologies...
Days later, there he was again seated when he receives a new punch, this time with a pressure cooker.
Even more surprised (and dizzy), he asks: - What happened now, my love? She replies: - Your horse just called ...
Three nuns
Sisters Anne, Mary, and Teresa are driving across the country when they are in a car c**... and all die tragically.
In heaven, the three of them are standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter is standing before them. He says to them, "Sisters, I understand that you are all women of faith, and I would be more than happy to let you into heaven without hesitation, but as it is the rules, I must ask you each one question that you must answer correctly before I can let you enter"
The nuns all agree and Sister Anne steps forward first.
"Sister Anne, what was the name of the first man?"
She barely misses a beat before announcing happily "Adam!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and she enters.
Sister Mary then steps forward and St. Peter asks her, "Sister Mary, what is the name of the first woman?"
"Eve!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and Sister Mary enters heaven.
St. Peter then addresses Sister Teresa, "Teresa, what is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam?"
Sister Teresa thinks for a minute... two minutes... three minutes.. then mutters to herself "That's a hard one..."
*Gong!*
A female drifter
I'm a drifter, a woman, and you don't find that much, especially in England. I run a scam pretending to be a nanny. Too recently, I had to eliminate some competition for the job. I got in, and got in real good with the parents. Scared the kids. I gave them l**... and forced them to consort with a schizophrenic tea-shop owner and a crazy hobo and his gang. I intentionally got the father fired from his job because of a political disagreement, and ran off before blame could be cast on me. My name is Mary, Mary Poppins.
Got this one in a forward from my dad - I did not see that one coming.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..
WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALDING,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
s**...
ASKED
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?
An old one my late grandmother used to tell
In a Catholic school English classroom, a nun was giving the lesson.
"Today, children, we'll be talking about rhyme. Does anyone have a rhyme they'd like to share?"
Several little hands shot up. The nun pointed to the smallest girl, Sally, in the front.
"Hey, d**..., d**...,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."
"Very good, Sally." said the nun. "Who else?" She called on a little boy, Jack.
"It has my name in it!
Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.
Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and burned his toe."
"Wonderful rhyme, Jack!" replied the nun. Now, in the back of the class sat Michael. Michael came from a loud Irish family and was known as a troublemaker. The nun had tried to pick the other students before him, but he was beginning to make a commotion so she sighed and called out "yes, Michael."
"I've got a rhyme for you, Sister" he said.
"Mary came from Boston, Mass. and went into the water up to her knees."
"Michael," began the nun, "that doesn't rhyme."
"Oh, I know Sister. But wait until the tide comes in."
A husband was sitting at the table when his wife banged him over the head with a frying pan...
"What did you do that for?" He asked. The wife said, "I found this peace of paper with the name Mary Lou on it." He said, "Oh that's just the name of the horse I put a bet on."
The next day she banged him over the head again, this time with an even bigger frying pan. He said, "Good Lord, why did you do that again?" "Your horse just called." She said.
So a man is sitting on a plane...
And he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in the aisle. He gets excited as he realizes she is coming to sit down in the seat beside him.
The most beautiful woman he's ever seen is coming to sit down beside him!
Once the woman sits they wait in silence for a moment before beginning to have some small talk.
"Hello..." the man uttered.
"Hi there! I'm Mary Jameson. Nice to meet you. I'm a sexologist."
The man was bewildered by her willingness to let him know her profession.
"Well..." the man said, "what does a... sexologist do?"
"I study the science of s**...."
Ecstatic, the man couldn't help but ask for more.
"Such as?"
"Well, for starters," the woman began, "it's a common misconception that black men are the best at what they do. It's actually the Native Americans such as the Cherokee or the Sioux."
"I see" said the man, anxious for more, "anything else?"
"Another mistake people make is thinking the French are the best lovers. It's actually the Irish who are the most intimate." The woman paused. "Oh how rude of me, I've been talking to you and I haven't bothered to ask your name!"
The man outstretched his arm and replied...
"The name's Tanto. Tanto O'Sullivan."
Confusion at the hospital
Mrs. Smith had just gotten home from visiting her husband in the hospital. He had fallen ill and the doctors weren't sure what was wrong with him so they wanted to keep him at the hospital for observation. Mrs. Smith had just walked in the front door and was setting her purse down when the phone rang.
"Hello?" said Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, Mrs. Smith, this is Mary calling from the hospital. I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some worse news about your husband."
"Oh dear," said Mrs. Smith, "I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Well," said the nurse, "The bad news is that we got the test results back for your husband but there's been a bit of a mix-up. It seems that there's another patient at the hospital with the same name as your husband, Bob, and we're not sure which test result belong to which patient. One of the tests came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other test came back positive for AIDS."
"Oh my goodness," said Mrs. Smith, "Well that's horrible. What news could be worse than that?"
"The worse news is that we can't find your husband. He left his room and we're not sure where he went," said the nurse.
"Oh my god!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What do you suggest we do?"
"Well," replied the nurse, "if your husband finds his way home, don't have s**... with him."
There was a writer named Wright / And Mary had a little sheep
There was a writer named Wright
He asked his son to write Wright right
He said ' Son, it is not right to write Wright as Rite
Try to to write Wright Aright'.
___________________________
Mary had a little sheep
And with that sheep she went to sleep
That sheep turned out to be a ram
Mary had a little lamb
Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes
Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...
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An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."
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The nurse told Ole to s**... to the waist. So he took off his pants.
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Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.
Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."
However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became a**... when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.
"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."
"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."
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Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.
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Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."
"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."
"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.
"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"
"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"
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A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
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Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.
Wanna know something interesting about Roland Emmerich?
He owns one of those antique steamboats, the kind with the giant wheel on the back, and he actually sails with it. In rivers of course, the open ocean is far too choppy, and would damage the antique boat. Anyway, he's got an entire house set up on the boat, complete with living quarters, entertainment rooms, and even a workout room. Sometimes Roland likes to bring guests on the boat, once there was this fat chick named Mary, she spent her whole time in the exercise room burning fat, she was pretty proud of herself for it too.
Roland still takes the boat up and down various rivers to this day,
with the big wheel keep on turning,
Proud Mary keep on burning,
Roland,
Roland,
Roland on the River!
ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...
Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.
"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."
"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"
"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"
Two old friends reunite...
- Hey! I haven't seen you in a while! How are your memory problems?
- Pretty fine, actually. My doctor is helping me a lot and I barely have any issue remembering things.
- Oh, that's nice to hear. How is the name of your doctor? I'm kind of worried because I'm starting to forget things and I would like to talk to a professional.
- Sure, her name is... ehm... ehm... what is the name of this famous v**... that appears in the bible?
- Mary?
- Yes! That's it!
He turns into his wife and asks:
- Mary, what is the name of the doctor who helped me with my memory problems?
I need help remembering a joke
I can't remember the punch line. I don't remember much, but here's what I remember:
Little Johnny goes to church ad enters the confessions box. The priest behind the screen says
"Johnny, is that you?"
Johnny- "Yes father, it is me."
Priest- "What sin have you committed, my son?"
Johnny- "I fooled around with a girl"
Priest- "was it Mary?"
Johnny- "I can't say the name, father."
Priest- "was it Rose?"
Johnny- "I can't say the name, father"
Priest- "was it Jane?"
Johnny- "I cat say the name, father."
After this there are a few more lines including a funny punch line, but for the life of me I can't remember what it is. Can someone help me?
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.....
I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Mary's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, s**..., asked,
"What did you teach" ?
A boy goes into confession...
The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"
I told the Starbucks batista my name was Mary Krismas...
They still can't get the spelling right.
Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid.
St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa.
Just go there, get married and you're done.
The Light & The Rainbow
So we're out one night and my boyfriend says "Where's the rainbow?"
and I say "Lookout it's coming right now."
Then we have s**....
My name's Marie.
A man is on a blind date with a girl named Marie and things heat up a little...
He asks her, "Would you object to s**...?"
Marie tells him, a little embarrassed, "That's something I've never done."
With this he says, "Really? I've never had s**... with a v**...."
Marie replies, "No, silly! I never object."
Dating these days
Boy: Hi
Girl: What?
Boy: How are you?
Girl: Do I know you?
Boy: I'm Rich..
Girl: Oh! Hi. My name is Mary but you can call me "Baby" I'm 19 & I am very submissive. I love short men, especially like you & I'm glad to meet you. So, when are we going out?
Boy: No, no, no "Rich" is my name
Girl: Sorry I don't talk to strangers
What did the trans lesbian woman say to the person in charge of name changes?
Will you Mary me?
Why did Mary and Joseph break up?
She kept calling out her baby daddy's name during s**......oh god oh god.
I made this up last night! OC!!
A man comes home after a long day, his wife then hits him in the back of the head with a frying pan
He clutches his head in pain asking her, Honey why? Why did you do that? She answers, When I was doing your laundry I found a receipt in your pocket with a woman's name on it. He responds, That's why you hit me? Honey Mary-Ann is a horse I bet on, that's the receipt for my bet. She accepts that and apologizes and they make up.
Next week the same thing happens, he comes home and is struck in the back of his head with a frying pan, the husband asks, AGAIN? You hit me in the head with a frying pan again, why?!
The wife looks at him and says, Your horse called.
If I ever have a daughter I'm going to name here g**......
and make here mary someone with the last name warts.
Forgive me Father for I have Sinned
A teenage boy goes to confession. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I've had premarital s**....
The priest says My son, who was the young lady? Was it Mary O'Toole?
I won't say her name. I don't want her to get in trouble.
Was it Jane Thompson? Laura Smith?
Father, I'm not saying who it was.
He exits the confessional and his friend asks What'd you get?
Ten Hail Mary's, five Our Father's, and three good leads.
Teenage boys
Two teenage boys go to confession. In the booth the first boy admits having s**... with a girl but refuses to name her. The priest asks, 'It wasn't Mary Jones, was it?' The boy says 'No, Father it wasn't'. The priest asks' 'Was it Angela Brown?'. The boy replies 'No, Father. it wasn't. 'It wasn't Jane Carter by any chance?' The boy says 'No father it wasn't' The priest gives up and says 'Well for your penance say fifty Hail Mary's and leave half your pocket money in the poor box.' When the boy leaves his friend asks him how it went. He replies 'Not bad, a $5 fine and three great leads!'
A man sits down next to a woman on a bus
The man starts flirting with her, and in the course of their conversation she admits that she's a nymphomaniac.
"Oh really," says the man, instantly more engaged in their conversation.
"Yeah", she confirms, "but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys. Anyway, my name is Mary-Beth, what's your name?"
The man shakes her hand and says, "nice to meet you, Mary-Beth, my name is Yosemite Goldstein."
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