March Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

Can February march?

No, but April may.

I cheated on you

She: "I cheated on you"

He: "Me too"

She: "April, 1"

He: "March, 20"

A Soviet and an American are talking

The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."

Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?

Because they have just finished a 31 day March.

Two cows got in a fight..

One started to march towards the other, while the other got scared.

One was cowrageous.

The other was a coward.

The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!"

I replied, "But it's March Madness! All the basketball games are important!"

She said, "Record it and watch it later."

You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod…

Why was the soldier tired on April 1st?

He had just come through a 31-day March.

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

Jewish boy comes home from school and his mother and tells her he got in the school play. She asked him, "what part are you playing?" He said, "the husband!"

The mother grew furious and said, "you march right back there and demand they give you a speaking part."

Can Feburary March?

No. But April May

The only day of the year that gives an order

March 4th

Sorry this was one of my dear departed mother's favorite annual jokes. Just had to share the love!

How many seconds are there in one year?

12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

Old Cold War joke

A Russian and an American are talking about their countries. The American said, " we have the most freedom in the world, I can march into the White House bang on the president's desk and say sir I do not like how this country is being run." The Russian replied," I can do that too, I can march into the Kremlin, go up to our leaders desk and say sir I do not like how the US government is being run."

There was supposed to be a BLM march today with up to a million people

Although it's strange that I only count 600,000.

Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

Happy women's day everyone!

It was actually supposed to be held on March 8 but they took too long to get ready.

My Dad being an asshole to an 8 year old

Best April Fools Day joke; i was like 7 or 8, my dad and I are talking trash all of March 31st about who is gonna prank who better. Morning of april 1st my dad wakes me up and rushes me into the shower, has me change my clothes, and eat breakfast. As I'm about to head out to the bus stop I noticed it was pretty dark, thats because it was 3 in the morning...

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

"Where were you on the night of September to March?"

Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters...

Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters*
.
.
.
I owe my life to justin.
On march 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash.

One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, So I got up and turned the radio off.

Why are there so many tree-lined roads in France?

Because German soldiers prefer to march in the shade.

Be careful what you name your kids

I met my wife when I was 25. We got married fairly young because she got pregnant. In march of 1989 we had a beautiful baby daughter that my wife wanted to name Love. She was the fruit of our mutual affection; therefore I agreed.
Love grew up hating her name, which greatly upset me and her mother. She was bullied in school every day, something we would have given anything to be able to stop. One day Love came home from school and kissed me on the cheek, something she hadn't done since she was a kid. I heard my wife drive into our yard and as I went to open the garage door for her I heard a loud bang behind me and fell on the floor. My wife ran up to me, and as I bled on her arms the only thing I could utter was
_Shot through the heart
And you're to blame, darling
You gave Love
A bad name_

Did you know that in North Korea, the soldiers always march to the left?

That's because there are no rights.

I'm devastated that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday this March

I was born in November

Man's March (on Washington)

Can be observed every day at 8am. Also known as going to work.

COUNTING CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

February is ending today, but that's okay.

We'll March on.

Timbuktu

In the finals of a national poetry contest, the last two contestants are a Harvard graduate and a redneck. The Harvard graduate steps forward to receive the last subject. The judges tell him 'Timbuktu'. He thinks for a moment and recites his poem:
Across the vast and open sands
March a lonely caravan.
As they march, two by two
Destination Timbuktu
The crowd goes wild as the redneck steps forward. The judges tell him his subject is Timbuktu. He thinks for a while, when a big grin spreads across his face.
A huntin me and my friend Tim went.
We found three whores in a pop-up tent.
Of them were three, and of us were two,
so I bucked one and Tim-buck-two!

I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March!"

I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March! I'm in the mood to do some stabbing from behind, if you know what I mean. "

She said, "I just might die of surprise if you make it to 23 stabs!"

So yeah, only my ego got murdered today.

My grandfather told me this joke...

A lady and her baby walks onto a bus. The bus driver exclaims "wow that's one ugly baby!" The mother storms down the aisle and takes a seat next to a man. The man tells her "the bus driver should not have said that to you! You march right up to him and speak your mind while I hold your monkey!"

Corny jokes!

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

A: Because it's two-tired.


Q: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?

A: It becomes daytrogen.


Q: Where did Noah keep his bees?

A: In the Ark Hives!


Q: Can February March?

A: No, but April May.


Q: What is it called when you kill a friend?

A: Homiecide


"Fish tanks are stupid!"

"Why?"

"Fish don't even have any militaries!"

How do we know that Darth Vader is American?

Because he marches to the Imperial March and not the Metric March

Why were there only 1000 people at the Million Mexican March?

They only had 2 trucks.

I owe my life to Justin Bieber.

On March 9th, 2009, I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible accident. One day my nurse turned the radio over to a song by Justin Bieber, so I got up and turned the radio off.

An American and a Russian are talking

The American says to the Russian, "I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"

The Russian says, "I can do that too."

"You can?" Replies the American

"Sure. I can march right up to the Senate building, walk right into the Presidential Cabinet, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"

Today is a military command:

March Fourth!

Chuck Norris went to a feminist march

Came back with an ironed shirt and a sandwich

I'm getting ready to go down to support the woman's march.

Just waiting on my wife to pack me a sandwich.

There was a women's march in my town, and some jackass crashed it while wearing a giant penis costume.

I've never seen feminists beat a dick so hard.

The Women's March is organising a strike day where women won't do anything

Thank god I know how to make sandwiches

Why are so many of France's streets lined with trees?

Germans like to march in the shade.

What's the difference between sports and politics?

In sports, it is the winners that march down the street (parade).

People in the deep south must really love Halloween

since they march around in their ghost costumes all year long.

Today, March 26th, is Epilepsy Awareness day.

So get on out there and seize the day!

Originally, International Women's Day was celebrated on the 8 of January.

However, because they had to get ready, it has since been postponed to 8 March.

Why so the French line their streets with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade

JUNE (to Yoda): Do you think April will march in the parade?

YODA: March April may, June.

Saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth this morning

She was down to her final 4!!!

Little known fact about the first pie eating contest ...

It started March 14, 1592.

It hasn't stopped.

Edit - fixed the date

Why are Paris's streets lined with trees?

German soldiers like to march in the shade.

The year is 1945...

The Soviet army is pushing closer to Berlin with each day. As they march closer, they start to find the concentration camps. In one of these camps, a Polish man with a limited knowledge of the Russian language is talking to Russian military officers about the camps, with assistance from a translator. As he explains, he reaches a word he doesn't know, and turns to the translator.

"How do you say civilians?"

"Acceptable casualties."

A marching band passed by this morning, shouting "Make America Great Again!"

Must be some Donald Trumpeters.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by the enemy army

The army is on the move, keeping the prisoners in their forced march. They get to a river, but their raft has a large hole in it. In the war-torn field, there is nothing to fix the boat, so they decide to mend it with the bodies of the prisoners.

In a moment of mercy, the army general decides to allow the prisoners to kill themselves with whatever method they choose. An array of weapons is presented.

The Englishman takes a gun, says "Long live the Queen!" and shoots himself in the head.

The Frenchman takes a knife, says "Viva Le France!" and cuts his own throat.

The American takes a pitchfork, starts stabbing himself, and yells "Good luck making your boat now, bitches!"

A boy and his father are in the store

When they come across the section where the condoms are kept. The boy looks at them and asks his dad why they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

The father replies: "Well son the 3 pack is for the highschool kids, one for Friday, one for saturday, and one for Sunday. The 6 pack is for the college kids. Same principle, but 2 for friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for sunday."

"What about the 12 pack?" asked the son.

"Those are for the married men" said the dad proudly.

"Really?" asked the son.

"Yes indeed," said the father. "One for January, one for February, one for March........."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day....

One remarked, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Why did the French plant trees on either side of the road?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

just got a new job and was to start today

Told them I won't be able to work
They said "Is it because its Sunday? You said you would on weekends." I said no that's not why.
They said "Is it because its Easter ? You said you would work holidays"
I said That's not it either. I won't be able to work because I am so tired and exhausted.
"Oh - Is this a joke because its Aprils fools day?"
I said "Its no joke - I just finished a 31 day march!"

Girlfriend to boyfriend

GF - I'm sorry babe but i've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry aswell, I have also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on 24th March

Will February March?

No, but April May :')

Sorry, IDK if this was posted before.

And yes, I know it's bad.

At the drug store

A little boy and his dad were at the drug store and they just so happened to come upon the condom aisle.

The little boy asked his dad "Daddy why are there so many different boxes of condoms?"Β  Β 

"For different stages in your life." said the dad.Β  Β 

"What's the 3 pack for?"Β  Β 

"Well, that's for when your in High School 2 for Friday night, and 1 for Saturday night."Β  Β 

"Then whats the 6 pack for?"Β  Β 

"For when your at college. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."Β  Β 

"Oh. Then what's the 12 pack for?"Β  Β 

"Well, that's for when your married. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March........"

What do you call a bunch of hotties walking down the street?

March of Dimes

What day do soldiers hate the most?

March Fourth

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

For the Ides of March...

Caesar walks into a bar, and tells the bartender "I'll have a martinus."

The bartender says "Don't you mean a martini, sire?"

Caesar scowls, and says "If I wanted a double I would have said so!"

Celebrate the Ides of March with a donut. In fact...

Eat two, Brute.

Why didn't white people attend the Million Man March?

They had to go to work.

2016 has done the impossible

It claimed the life of Chuck Norris.

"Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist, actor, film producer and screenwriter died this morning in his house in Oklahoma at the age of 76. He is feeling much better now and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance."

Grindr got hacked in March of 2018.

Looks like someone found the back door.

Why do the French plant trees on their boulevards?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

Why does Paris have tree lined streets?

Because the German army likes to march in the shade.

They are doing a new sequel to the movie March of the Penguins

They are calling it April of the Penguins!

My doctor says that I'm unstable and that I should get a lobotomy...

Fuck him, first thing in the morning I'm gonna march right in there and give him a piece of my mind!

What are the funniest march jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about March? Well, here are the best March puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny March pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes