Manure Jokes
36 manure jokes and hilarious manure puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about manure that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This hilarious article looks at different types of manure, from horse and cow dung to mulch and fertilizer, to bring you some of the funniest manure jokes around. Get ready to laugh and find out why everyone loves a good manure joke.
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Funniest Manure Short Jokes
Short manure jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The manure humour may include short excrement jokes also.
- My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries. I said, You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.
- I'm kinda new to gardening... Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.
Well, I'm never doing that again...
I'll just stick to whipped cream. - A guy walks into a bar... A guy walks into a bar with a handful of fresh dog manure and says to the bartender, "Look what I almost stepped in."
(from Garrison Keillor) - Two flies are sitting on a steaming pile of horse manure. One of the flies grunts and breaks wind. The other fly says, "Geez! Do you mind? I"m trying to eat over here!"
- My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.
- I once saw a huge boat transporting manure and wondered how much it's cargo weighed... ...turns out it was a shipload.
- I heard old horse manure makes the best fertilizer Can someone tell me how old the horse has to be?
- Just got back from the farm supply store. The price of manure has almost tripled since the beginning of the pandemic. s**...'s getting expensive.
- I was at the garden supply center and noticed the price of manure has almost doubled. s**...'s getting expensive.
- Bob ,did you know.............?? **JIM**: Bob ,did you know people eat manure in some parts of the world?
**BOB**: Thats pure b**...!!!
**JIM**: Exactly.
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Manure One Liners
Which manure one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with manure? I can suggest the ones about fertilizer and sewage.
- John Deere's manure spreader... ...is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
- Manure isn't the best fertilizer ... but it's a solid number two.
- I got a job cleaning horse manure. Well, the ad promise a stable income.
- What do the FCC and manure have in common?
- What do you call the accounting program for a manure seller? SpreadShite.
- Gardeners say manure is great for tomatoes... But I think it ruins the sandwich
- What do you call a Chinese company which sells manure on the open market? Dung Xioping.
- You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
- I bought some manure bags for the garden. It's cheaper than a lounger.
- What do you use to ship manure cross-country? A semi-colon
- She was only a stableman's daughter... but all the horse manure.
- Did you guys hear about what Nelly thought? She thought chicken manure was jelly.
- What is the stinkiest businessman? Entra-Manure
- They say cow manure come from males. But that's b**....
- What do you call a person that sells cow p**...? An entre-manure
Horse Manure Jokes
Here is a list of funny horse manure jokes and even better horse manure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Three Irish men won a small s**... of horse manure. They each had a third.
- TIL that the word b**... got its meaning because people who got caught lying in court were punished by having to eat cow manure, or horse manure, hence h**.... Not really.
- What's worse than stepping on a pile of horse manure? Getting r**... by a giant scorpion.
Cow Manure Jokes
Here is a list of funny cow manure jokes and even better cow manure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Apparently, there exist a group of people who smear cow manure on their faces as an act of worship. Personally, I think it's b**....
Howlingly Hilarious Manure Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about manure you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soil jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make manure pranks.
So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the a**..., and walks in to have a stiff drink.
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the a**... before coming in? You got s**... all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"
"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...
The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and small, and I don't really wear watches. I don't like it."
The father wasn't surprised by his son's reaction because he typically has a poor perspective on things.
Minutes later, the second son, who had a stocking full of manure, comes running to his father with excitement and says, "Dad! I think Santa brought me a pony! Now I just have to go find it!"
It's all about perspective.
Take a spoon of horse manure twice a day.
Patient: Doctor, can you give me anything to help with my halitosis?
Doctor: Take a spoon of horse manure twice a day.
Patient: Will that cure it?
Doctor: No, but it will take the edge off the smell.
Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn...
Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile.
The first idiot says, I'll jump first and tell you how deep it is. He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, it's only ankle deep!
The second idiot jumps and says, What on earth? I'm up to my neck!
And the first idiot says, Well you jumped feet first.
Berry good
Two guys were arguing over the best way to grow strawberries. One asserted that Miracle-Gro was the best method, the other insisted that cow manure would yield the largest and sweetest berries. They finally decided to ask Mrs. Thompson, who was known far and wide for her succulent, large strawberries. So one farmer says Mrs. Thompson, do you put cow manure on your strawberries. She replied, No, I either eat them plain or add sugar and cream.
Little Timmy goes to a farm with his school
The farmer there was talking about how manure helps the plants by nourishing the soil. Timmy immediately asks the teacher to call his mother. When the teacher asked why, He said
"I heard mom saying she got a lot of s**... on her hands right now".
