Mansion Jokes

Have you ever heard of Haunted Mansion, Muppets Haunted Mansion, and Disney Haunted Mansion? Check out these hilarious Mansion jokes. Giggle with delight at the silly puns and laugh-out-loud one-liners featuring manors, residences, cottages and the Playboy Mansion.

Laughter Mansion Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

Blonde genies

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.

Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux k**... outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the k**... are walking away, they remove their hoods.

It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."

The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would like a million dollars."

The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

An order of monks are selling flowers...

...illegally on the lawn of the p**... Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Hugh Hefner

Today, famous p**... Hugh Hefner successfully managed to stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the p**... Mansion, where they had been selling flowers.

Said one friar, "Well if it was anyone else we could've gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

jokes about mansion

If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...

how many bedrooms would your mansion have?

Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.

The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."

The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."

The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."


One day a penguin decides to go to a party. He dresses in his usual tuxedo, and then drives over to the mansion. He eats his dinner and then it was time for dessert. Ice cream, the penguin's favorite! The penguin laps up the ice cream getting it all over his beak and face feathers. On his drive home his car breaks down and he calls for a tow. After the mechanic inspects the car he proceeds to tell the penguin "You blew a seal". To which the penguin replies "No, it's ice cream"

Mansion joke, Penguin

A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...

The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"

A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.

St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"

Corniest joke I know.

Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners p**... mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the p**... mansion seeing two friars outside.

Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.

The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Badum psh

A genie grants a man three wishes ... "Whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double"

" What is your first wish?" Asked the genie.
"I wish for $10 million." Said the man.
" Okay, your ex-wife gets $20 million. Next?"
" Okay, I wish for a mansion."
"Done, your ex now has 2 mansions. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses to think carefully.
"I wish for you to beat me half to death."

Credit - Russell Peters

You can explore mansion cottage reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mansion mercedes dad jokes. There are also mansion puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Some monks were trying to sell flowers... the p**... mansion. These monks had always been successful at selling flowers. However, Hugh Heffner was especially annoyed this day by their persistence and had security e**... them from the premises.

Turns out, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Has anyone heard the joke about the mansion and the stairs that go 'bronze silver gold bronze silver gold'?

I can't find it online and I've heard it before. If anyone knows it or can pm a link I would much appreciate it. Sorry if this breaks the rules but I don't know where else to ask.

Why was the haunted mansion self conscious?

Because it got a lot of creepy stairs.


Did you hear about the fire at the Governor's mansion in Alabama?

The whole trailer park burned down.

The Priest and the Politician

A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.

First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.

And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, howβ€”there's something wrongβ€”how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.

Mansion joke, The Priest and the Politician

President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt...

President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter.

They sit down to wait for President Xi, but Biden notices they still have their trousers rolled up. So he whispers: "Mr. President, take down your trousers."

Obama looks horrified. "We owe him THAT MUCH!!!"

Two Monks

Two Monks attempted to sell flowers outside the p**... mansion yesterday. Despite the best attempts of the mansions security, the monks could not be forced from the grounds. It wasn't until the owner of the mansion himself arrived, that the friars left. It just goes to show:

that only Hue can stop florist friars.

l**... build huge mansion in atlanta...

It was all tounge and groove, not a single stud in the house.

(Construction workers joke, you might not get it)

A reporter from North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer...

A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"

The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"

"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"

"Yes, absolutely!"

"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"

The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."

The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"

"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."

How are skinny jeans like a small mansion?

They have no ball room.

Five years in, marriage is still like a party at p**... mansion.

After a few drinks the cracks start to appear.

The owner of hostess just brought the p**... mansion

Guess he really liked h**...-hos and ding dongs

A man's friend helps him build a house..

Man : Thanks so much dude.

Friend : Don't mansion it.

A russian joke: Some people in Mosow got stuck on a ride at an amusement park!

That entire country is got stuck on a ride! On something between a haunted mansion and a house of funny mirrors!

A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.

Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.

The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."

St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."

Mansion joke, A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.

What's the difference between the Circus and the p**... Mansion?

The Circus features a cunning array of stunts.

Shouldn't the p**... mansion

be in Silicon Valley?

A man is granted three wishes.

The Genie tells him that whatever he wishes for, his wife will receive 2x of.

The man's first wish is $3B, so his ex-wife gets $6B.

The man's second wish is a mansion, so his ex-wife gets two mansions.

For the man's third and final wish, he tells the Genie "Here's a baseball bat, beat me half to death."

Did you know that Helen Keller lived in a huge mansion?

Neither did she

Some monks were selling flowers outside the p**... mansion

Hugh Hefner realises this and puts a stop to it as they are on his property and welcoming tourists. The local news catches wind of this and goes to interview the monks.

The reporter asks "do you think you will set up shop somewhere else?"

And the monks reply "oh yes, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

Police responded to a call outside the p**... mansion.

Mr. Hefner called the police to remove a group of monks selling daisies out of an i**... roadside stand in front of the p**... mansion. A police spokesperson released a statement "we responded promptly to Mr. Hefner's call because as everybody knows, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

How are new pants like a sub-par mansion?

There's no ball room

I got a mansion for my father.

He said "Thanks!"
I said "Don't mansion it."

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's mansion?

Neither did he.

Where can we find Professor X's mansion?

In Thailand. There are a lot of eX-men there.

Inspiration to look up to

Sir Isaac Newton was only 23 when he discovered the law of gravity.
T-pain was only 22 when he rhymed mansion with wiscansin.

I did 3 things thing morning 1.) Wake Up. 2.) Buy a mansion. 3.) Buy a Lambo

But the order they happened was 2,3,1

Santa walked into the Kardashian's mansion and said...

h**..., h**..., h**...!

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama was destroyed?

It took half the trailer park with it.

A man finds a genie

The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."

A married man man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp a few times and a genie comes out and says You are my new master and I'm a genie with a twist so whatever you wish your wife gets two of!

The man says I wish for a mansion! The genie says Okay, but your wife gets two!

He wishes for a million dollars, and his wife gets two million.

For his final wish he looks at the genie and says I wish I was beaten half to death.

I bumped into an old school friend today...

He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"

I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"

Beyonce held an exclusive, no pants themed, female-only party at her mansion last night!

It was the who's who of hoo-hoos.

Did you hear about the tornado that hit the trailer court in Little Rock?

It destroyed the Governor's mansion.

Three men got stranded on an island and found a genie's lamp

The first man said, "I wish I was back home with my family."

*p**...*, he was gone.

The second man said, "I wish I were living in a mansion in California."

*p**...*, he was gone.

The third man thought and paced for a bit, then finally groaned and said, "This is too hard! I wish my friends were here to help me figure this out!"

A lawyer saw a bunch of homeless people eating grass... He goes over and asks them why are they doing that and they tell him that they are homeless and have nothing to eat. Eager to help them out he escorts them to his mansion.. They are very happy and thankful.. He takes one look at them, smiles

And tells them "this is my yard, eat as much as you want, i won't charge you."

I tried to break into the p**... mansion once.

But the whole place was booby trapped.

Lady Penelope returns to her mansion after a long weekend at Tracy Island

Upon seeing Parker in the main bedroom she commands him;

"Parker, take of my dress"

"Yes, M'lady" replies Parker

"Now Parker, take off my Bra"

"Yes M'lady"

"Now Parker take of my p**..."

"Yes M'lady"

"Now Parker if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you're fired!"

Did you hear that the Alabama governor's mansion burned down?

Pretty much took the whole trailer park with it.

A Genie grants a man 3 wishes

The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollars and his ex is given two billion.
The genie says, "and for your final wish?"
The man says "I wish to be beaten half to death."

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"

He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

Always remember that money cannot buy you love

It can, however, buy you a mansion, a yacht, a nice suit, and a fancy European sports car. After that, you'll be beating love off with a stick.

How do you make a plumber cry?

You buy him a multi-million dollar mansion.

(With his dead family inside.)

an african politician visits an american politician.

Af: That's a big house you've got there, how did you afford it?

Am: See that bridge over there? I kept 10% of the money that went into building it, same goes for most of the roads and bridges that were rebuilt here.

Ten years later, the American goes to visit his old friend.

Am: That's an enormous mansion you've got there, how did you afford it?

Af: See that bridge over there?

Am: No.

Af: That's how.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's mansion?


Well, it's really nice.

A man finds a Genie in a bottle

The genie says everything he gets his wife gets double

First he asks for 1 million dollars his wife gets 2 million

Then he asks for a billion dollar mansion his wife gets 2 billion dollar mansions

Lastly he asks to get beat half to death

I helped my friend hang a chandelier in his mansion this morning

It was the high light of my day

What's the most manly building ever?

A Man-sion

A genie appears infront of a man...

And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.

The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"

"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."

"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes with it, servants, helicopters, the works"

"It is done. Your ex now also has 2 mansions."

The man nods his head and then says "I wish I was beaten half to death"

I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion

I got booed off the stage

Four men are at a bar bragging about how successful their sons are

One says"my son is a successful brick layer and he bought his friend a Lamborghini just because"...the second man says"my friend is a successful real estate agent and he bought his friend a yacht just because"the third man says"my son is a great lawyer and he bought his friend a mansion just because"....their was a minute of silence and the second man asks the fourth man what his son does ...the fourth man replies"he's a gay stripper"..the third man says"oh you must be ashamed I'm sorry"which the fourth man says"not really his three boyfriends bought him a Lamborghini,a yacht,and a mansion just because"

A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates

A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.

For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.

Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.

"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"

St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

What is a minimalist's worst nightmare?

A mansion.

Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day...

I hope someone remembered to update their drivers.

A monk was selling flowers on the p**... mansion grounds and no one but Hef could get him to leave...

Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A wealthy man died and went to heaven.

He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
This belongs to you, said Saint Peter.

Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in? the man demanded.

We did the best we could with the money you sent us! Saint Peter replied.

What happened when Chris Brown bought the mansion next to Rihanna's?

\[Ri moved\]

A man is in legal trouble after harassing a sea cow at the p**... Mansion.

He's been charged with crimes against Hugh's manatee.

A man has legal problems after he harassed a sea cow at the p**... Mansion.

He's wanted for crimes against Hugh's manatee.

A teacher asks her class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b**... with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked and not knowing how to respond to this, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's b**...."

The Haunted mansion opened three years after Walt Disney died.

It's what Walt would have haunted

Did you hear the Mississippi governor's mansion burned down?

It was a total loss. Clear down to the axles.

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."


She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."


She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"


Her cat is now a handsome young man.

"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"

The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."

I meet these genie.

He asked: Who is the person you dislike the most? I told him that it would be my mother-in-law. He explained to me that I get three wishes but whatever I wish for my mother-in-law gets double of.

My first wish: I want one mansion. My mother-in-law gets two mansions.

My second wish: I want ten billion dollars. My mother-in-law gets twenty billion dollars.

My final wish: Beat me half to death.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mansion playboy mansion puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working mansion haunted mansion piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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