The Best 81 Mans Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Mans jokes. There are some mans penis jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mans fella puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Mans Jokes and Puns
For every dollar a man makes....
For every dollar a man makes, a women makes 70 cents.
Thats not right
Thats not fair
The mans only left with 30!
-Bo Burnham
An old man at the doctors office...
His daughter took him to a doctor for a check up. During the check up - the doctor asks the old man about his visits to the toilet at night, and he replies: "I wake up, walk to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me". Confused, the doctor finishes his procedure and tells the old mans daughter about the whole "God-light" thing. To which she replies: "Oh no! He's been using the fridge again!"
Some people think that the way to a Mans Heart is through his Stomach...
...I think they're aiming a little high.
Mans dying wish
Did you hear about the guy whose dying wish was to have Dallas Cowboys as his pall bearers? He wanted to give them the chance to let him down one last time.
How does a woman destroy a mans pride with 4 words?
Is it in yet?
How does a man destroy a womans pride with 4 words?
I don't know.
take a hike.
a man is walking through the forest with a little girl when it starts getting dark. the wind starts whistling through the trees and the girl squeezes the mans hand and says "mister I'm getting scared!" the man replied "you're scared? I have to walk out of these woods alone!"
A mans monkey was very sick...
...so he took it to the vet.
Doctor: "Bobo will need a new brain"
Man: "How much will it cost?"
Doctor: "$5000 for a males brain, $3000 for a females"
Man: "Why the price difference?"
Doctor: "The female brain is used"
A man is golfing when a funeral precession drives across the bridge ahead...
The man proceeds to bow his head in respect. As the procession finally makes its way through, the mans friend says, "that's very admirable of you for taking a moment of respect". The man replies, "it's the least I could do, she's my wife."
he can't because he is Jewish
a man saw a priest and said: 'Father i have sinned!' the priest asked what the mans sin was. the man said: 'i'm 86 yrs old and i had sex with a 26 yr old girl!' the priest told the man to go home and say 6 hail Mary's. the man says he can't because he is Jewish. the priest asks: 'so why are you telling me?' the man says: 'I'm telling everyone!'
Another jewish gag
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into the guys kind eyes and says "Eh...I make a living"
How Long is a China mans name.
Thats a statement not a question.
You can explore mans begs reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mans man dad jokes. There are also mans puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Three Universities ...
Three Universities all done research into why a mans bell end is shaped the way it is.
Oxford Uni spent £100,000 in 6 months and came to the conclusion it is for the pleasure of the woman.
Cambridge Uni spent £250,000 in 18 months and came to the conclusion its for the pleasure of the man.
Dublin Uni spent 50 pence in 5 minutes and came to the conclusion its to stop your hand flying off the end.
A man walks into a bar
His name is Nathan Abe (initials NA) and he is firefighter, a second later a arsonist girl named Clair Laurence (initials CL)walks into the bar. The two start to hit it off. Eventually they go home together, the next day the mans mom calls. She asks about love life. He says, "its kind of ironic bond".
If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach....
Then you're aiming too high
Why do you go to a black mans garage sale?
So you can get all your stuff back.
Why does putting a stone in a mans shoe make the best contraception.
It will make him limp
What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?
His ears.
Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!
"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but,
its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.
Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?
A: Miscarriage
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
If a man runs over his wife, who's fault is it?
The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?
Five swedish men in a pool
The swedes were swimming and suddenly a condom popped to the surface of the water.
Directly one of the mans asks: "who farted?"
An old man dies...
...and at the funeral, his family members walk to the casket to say their final respects. When they're done, the old mans son notices a bulge in his fathers pants. When he goes to ask the funeral director about it, the director says "Oh, don't worry about that, it's just mourning wood"
My first original joke.
What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous??
It fro's up.
A man accidentally rear-ended a car
The driver whom was rear-ended steps out of the car and, to the mans surprise, was a dwarf. He walks to the man and says "I am NOT happy."
The man responds: "Then which one are you?"
So I saw two murders today
Can't believe how many crows were in that mans body
Some say the quickest way to mans heart is food. As an experienced heart surgeon, I disagree...
It's sex.
One mans trash...
"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is a fantastic Idiom.
But it's a horrible way to tell your kid that he's adopted.
"Another mans thrash is another mans treasure"
Apparently this is not a good way for saying you are adopted to your kid
So a sexist man is having sex with another mans wife...
The husband comes home from work and sees this man drilling his wife on the kitchen counter.
The man says, "Oh hey Paul, I'm just loading the dishwasher!"
🤷♀️
"One mans trash is another mans treasure" apparently is not a good way to let your son/daughter know they were adopted.
A guy asks a bartender for a shot
After drinking it, the guys looks into his pocket and says, "Hit me again."
The bartender pours more liquor into the mans shot glass. The man takes the shot, looks into his pocket, and says, "Hit me again."
5 shots laters, the bartender asks the man, "Sir, why do you keep looking into your pocket?"
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have a picture of my wife in here. And when she looks good to me, I'll go home."
What was the Kool-Aid mans favorite wall to break?
The Fourth Wall.
I got a mansion for my father.
He said "Thanks!"
I said "Don't mansion it."
One mans trash, is another mans treasure.
Phenomenal, well thought out phrase, but horrible way to find out you're adopted.
A man is up for murder
A man is up for murder and discovers his friend a member of the jury
He asks him with great glee "will you please try and get me sentenced with manslaughter"
His friend decides to take up the request.
The mans day in court comes up and he is sentenced with manslaughter, delighted he turns to his friend ans says "was it difficult to get everyone else to go with manslaughter"
His friend replies "it wasn't easy the rest of them didn't think you were guilty at all"
I'm opening a new gay club called "Garage Sale"
Because one mans junk is another mans treasure!
Any woman who thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach...
is aiming about ten inches too high.
My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.
Useless surgeon.
A man driving a truck hits a woman who's fault is it?
The mans, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen
Man walks into a bar
and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says "I just had my first blow job". With cheer in his voice bartender says "well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house". the mans says "if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will"
A blonde, a brunette and a man with bad dandruff walk into an elevator.
The mans dandruff is real bad, like caked on his shoulders bad. Once he gets off the brunette says to the blonde "He really needs some head and shoulders". The blonde says "How do I give shoulders?".
one mans trash is another mans treasure
unless that trash is used condoms (note this joke is meant to be terrible)
Two Blondes were working down the road from a mans house.
One blonde (who was naked) would take a shovel and dig a hole about 3-4 feet deep.
The second blonde (who didn't like cats) would then take the shovel and then put the dirt back in the hole.
They did this for about 4 hours on 6 different spots.
The man (who was left handed) was quite curious and went to the blondes and asked them what they were doing.
"There's usually another blonde who plants the tree but shes sick today"
A mans luggage was lost on an airline, so he attempted to sue them.
Turns out he lost the case.
What do you call a mans exaggeration of his length?
Woody's round up.
They say a way to a mans heart is by nibbling on his ear
I think it's nuts
A man is shopping one day and see's the ugliest, fattest woman he's ever seen with her 2 boys
The woman notices him looking over at them and asks if there's something he's looking for.
"no, just noticed you with your twin boys. Not often you see twins" he replies
"oh, they're not twins but they do look similar" she remarks and notices the mans puzzled expression. "Is there something wrong that they're not twins?"
"No, I'm just more surprised someone actually had sex with you more than once."
A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...
He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said, That's my house. They then asked about the second structure. That's where I go to Church. The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, That's where I used to go to Church.
What's a 1 legged mans favorite restaurant?
IHOP
Mans wife finds 25,000 dollars and two ears of corn in a secret trunk at their home
Wife - Why are there two ears of corn in this trunk?
Husband - I kept a ear of corn every time I messed around on you.
Wife - Oh that's not bad, 34 years of marriage and only messed around twice? What about the 25,000 dollars?
Husband - Every-time I collected a bushel I sold it.
A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...
It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"
A man walks into a gym
He walks up to the owner and says, Hey! What are all these lines for?
The owner replies, Oh, these are the lines to the different activities
That's the kick line, that's the weightlifting line, that's the squat line, that's the-
The owner paused, looking worried.
The mans says, what's wrong?
The owner slowly looks at him and yells, We forgot the punchline!
Gender pay gap...
For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents, that doesn't make sense, the mans only left with 30...
Someone made a rude comment towards me for breast feeding in public recently.
But what am I supposed to do? A mans got to eat.
I still remember my old mans last words before he kicked the bucket...
Hey! Look how far i can kick this bucket!
Why is a dog mans best friend?
Lock your dog and wife in a trunk for an hour and see who's happier to see you when you let them out.
A man walks into a bar
He sits at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing the mans very disturbed asked what's wrong.
The man replies my wife kicked me out, said she doesn't want to see me for a month.
The bartender starts consoling the man, telling him it'll be okay, the month will fly by. Anything to make the man feel a little better.
The man looks up from the beer, with sad red eyes. You don't understand, it's been a month
An Asian man walks into an optometrist's office
AFter testing the mans vision the doctor says to him
"Sir i belive you have a cataract"
"Nonsense" the man says "I drive a Rincoln"
A man driving a car crashed into a woman. Who's fault was it?
The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?
What was the mans reaction when he was told he could never talk again?
He was speechless.
A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car
When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.
A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.
"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"
"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"
A young sales clerk removed an old mans sunglasses and insisted he tries on a new pair.
"I can't see myself wearing these" said the old man.
"Why not?" asked the clerk.
"Because I'm blind".
A mans wife goes in for a dental checkup.
After the appointment the doctor comes out to greet the man.
The man says "how was it?"
The doctor replies "Your wife has a lot of cavities that need to be filled."
The man replies "that must be hard on you."
The doctor replies "Not really I get paid every month to drill your wife."
Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a well, actually
A man and his cheating wife
The mans wife tries to think of a funny way to tell her husband that's she's cheating on him with his best friend.
John, have you seen Toy Story?
Yeah of course, that's random, why'd you ask? he replies.
She confesses -
Because you've got a friend in me.
One mans trash is another mans treasure
A great saying. But a bad way to let your kids know they are adopted.
A beaver goes into a bar
A beaver goes into a bar,sees a mans standing behind the bar and asks,"is the bar tender here."
Is it still mansplaining if you're explaining it to another man?
"Nah, bruh. Let me tell you... this is how it works..."
What hangs at a mans thigh and likes to poke holes?
A key
A cop pulls over a drunk man..
A police officer pulls over a man who he thinks is drunk.. he walks up to the mans car. "Hello sir may I see license and registration"? Asks the cop. So the man hands him his license and registration.
The cop comes back a minute later and asks the man to step out of the car. "Ok sir I'm gonna perform some field sobriety tests on you" The cop says.
"Field Sobriety tests"? The man asks "But I didnt even study"!
What was the mans opinion on Nazis?
They're alt-right.
Where do man-splainers get their water?
From a *well, actually*
A mans wife was in labor when the doctor said...
You know, there is an experimental technology that can transfer your pain to the father, but he will feel the pain 10 times as much
The husband, seeing his wife in pain hurt him too much and said, Do it. I'm strong enough
The doctor then did it, and the man didn't feel a thing, which the doctor found odd.
Later, the couple came home, and found their mailman, on their driveway, dead.
A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.
They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"
A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.
The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of ass". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of ass everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"
A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying
He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn't worry about it.
He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so low it will probably never happen to anyone in the mans lifetime.
A month later they run into each other and the statistician asks if the man ever took his vacation. He says yes. The statistician asks how he got over his fear of flying and the mans says, it was easy. Every time I board a plane, I bring a bomb with me.
A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ...
Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? You try pushing it !
Whats a straight mans favorite sport?
Dodgeball
A 100 year-old man goes to the doctor and says I need my sex drive lowered!
The doctor replies I think it's all in your head.
The old mans exclaims That's the problem, I need it LOWER!
Can of coke fell on a mans head from a high building
Fortunately he survived because it was just a soft drink!!!
"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use
because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mans men jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working mans bernard manning piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.