Manchester Jokes
43 manchester jokes and hilarious manchester puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about manchester that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From Manchester United football jokes to hilarious one-liners about Liverpool, this hilarious article by anonymous will have you LOLing! Get ready for the Manchester derby by reading the best Manchester jokes from both sides of the divide, plus jokes about Manchester City, Manchester girl and other cities like London and Leeds.
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Funniest Manchester Short Jokes
Short manchester jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The manchester humour may include short liver jokes also.
- My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester." - What's the difference between a triangle and manchester united ? A triangle has three points
- Teacher : Do you know the reason Manchester United lost to arsenal ? Student : Manchester United lost because their defenders were Young, Small and Blind
- Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.
- What's the similarities between Las Vegas and Manchester? You can pay for the prostitutes using chips
- I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England. I guess I'm an Alan Turist.
- How are manchester city and Oscar Pistorius similar? They lost both legs, but still managed to get four shots on target.
- I tired to make a joke about Manchester United's Munich Air Disaster. But it didn't land well.
- I found a DVD yesterday of Manchester City saves between 2006-2016. Weirdly it had a Bonnie Tyler sound track. It was called Totally Clips of Joe Hart.
- A man walks onto a bus full of asian people dressed as skeletons and asks: I'm trying to get to manchester, is this the wight bus or the wong bus?
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Manchester One Liners
Which manchester one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with manchester? I can suggest the ones about manchester united and pubs.
- Why did.. Q : Why did Manchester United go to Stamford Bridge?
A : Four Nothing - Play a real life version of 'Grand Theft Auto' By spending the day in Manchester.
- What is next best apple product for manchester united fans Ibra
- Manchester United were playing a match Their manager was Jose Mourinho.
Hahahahaha. - When Manchester United played last night.... I was happy with only one man. Only Juan.
- manchester united vs hull city live discussion
- whats a feminist least favorite football team? MANchester united
- Sportsnet (*&(*World Now Match Manchester United vs Tottenham live soccer
- If you're a Manchester United fan You can now justify searching for Young Boys online.
- Why was Ariana Grande's Manchester concert attacked? Because she was a Dangerous Woman
- What do you call a gay guy who supports Manchester United? A Man fan!
- What size of Balloons create explosions at Manchester Arena? Grande.
- Whats the antonym of Manchester United? WomanBreastsR Divided
- What do Manchester girls use for protection during s**...? A bus shelter.
Manchester United Jokes
Here is a list of funny manchester united jokes and even better manchester united puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Manchester United was a women's team, what would it have been called? Womenbreaster Divided
Manchester Girl Jokes
Here is a list of funny manchester girl jokes and even better manchester girl puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a flat chested girl? Manchester
Mehboob
(translation from hindi : lover)
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Manchester Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about manchester you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rugby jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make manchester pranks.
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.
Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"
Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".
Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop s**... all night".
"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.
Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!
3 soccer players, one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal, are lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what? So the guy from Manchester says, well since I'm from ManCHESTer, i'll get the chest. The player from liverpool goes, well in that case I'll eat the LIVER. Then guy from ARSEnal says...i'm not hungry....
Taxi Story
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm
One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.
If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!
It is at Manchester registry office at 2pm. The brides name is Nicola, she is 28, 5f 6 tall, a bit of a looker and a good cook.
I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing.
They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account.
All I did was go into my local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
English Football joke.
A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a
breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man
is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'
So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then
pulls out another card which read 'this man is anemic, please
do not take his blood'. Finally the police, getting p**... off asks
him to take a u**... test, finally the man pulled out his
Manchester United season ticket which read 'this man is a
Manchester United fan, please do not take the p**....
(Edit works with other teams as well.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Prince Andrew, Manchester United & the black eyed peas have in Common?
It all went to s**... when fergie left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm:
A - Lert
B - l**...
C - invisible muggers OUT side
should one dial 999 or have a 99 - with 1 FLAKE - in charge : ALERT : 2 flakes of snow IN Northernmost Scotland - me brother emigrated there from 1,OOO year harried Manchester WHO will secede to FREE Scotland hamstrung by OIL
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many cross-dressers live near Manchester?
Well, nearly 320,000 people round there have a Wigan address.
Q: How are your mum and a starbucks tip jar the same? A: Both of them will beg you to get a pound in.
This joke works best if you realise I live in the UK and "pound in" and "pounding" sound the same in a manchester accent.
Yeah.... jokes aren't funny if you have to explain them :(
