Manager Jokes
180 manager jokes and hilarious manager puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about manager that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of jokes about managers! Ranging from funny roasts to lewd cartoons, these manager jokes are sure to delight employees and CEOs alike. From humorous insults to humorous assistant/boss dynamics, you’ll be sure to find something to make you smile.
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Funniest Manager Short Jokes
Short manager jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The manager humour may include short management jokes also.
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- What is a Pirate's favorite letter? The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.
Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind . - I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son's train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
- Old McDonald had to hire a manager for the farm. The manager asked, "What's my title?" mcdonald said, "You're the C I E I O."
- I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet... I thought it'd be a piece of cake...
- My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA... The manager says Welcome! Come in and make a seat.
- I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety. I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
- Donald Trump has announced that he plan to extend his wall across the oceans... This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
- My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
- My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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Manager One Liners
Which manager one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with manager? I can suggest the ones about administrator and master.
- I signed up for a gym membership this year. So far I've managed to lose £200.
- What do you call an engineer who doesn't know how to use a calculator? A project manager.
- Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc? Because she wanted to see the task manager.
- I received a flier on anger management the other day I lost it
- How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask? He's force fed.
- '2' managed to be prime, Against all the odds.
- Customer: I want cargo space Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
Manager: See me in my office - Someone gave me a book on anger Management I lost it
- Why did the Irish call their currency the "Punt" ? Because it rhymes with Bank Manager
- What makes a man age quickly? A manager
- My son got 8 out of 10 on his driver's test. The other 2 managed to jump out of his way.
- A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero. It was 0K.
- Napoleon was the best general the french ever had. He managed to surrender twice.
- Edgy jokes are like my life Sad and depressing but people still manage to laugh at it.
- Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired? He was a Mike Rowe manager.
Office Manager Jokes
Here is a list of funny office manager jokes and even better office manager puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A blonde strolls into her new office job at 10:30 The manager comes up to her and says, "you should have been here at nine o'clock," to which the blonde responds "why what happened?"
- What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters? Counter productive.
- Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%. Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.
- My Daughter In Law She's a manager at a post office. I threw her a party for getting promoted in a mail dominated industry.
- Santa at an interview in an IT Company. Manager: Do you know MS Office? Santa: If you give me the address, I will go there sir.
- Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
- I got a job at the post office the other day But I got fired after a few hours. I don't know why, I followed the managers orders to the letter.
- Officer, how did the hackers manage to escape? No clue. They just ransomware.
- Why was the Icelandic football player called into his manager's office? He had a cavity.
Hiring Manager Jokes
Here is a list of funny hiring manager jokes and even better hiring manager puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A diver is applying a job Hiring manager: what is your ability?
Diver: i can work under pressure - Why did Johnny Sins get fired from his job as a hiring manager Because he was putting people in positions they didn't apply for.
- Microsoft has hired a new project manager: Hermione Granger... She's in charge of spell-check.
- It's best to hire people with anger issues into high positions Most of them have already had management training
- When I'm a hiring manager and I receive a pile of CVs I throw half of the pile in the trash. I don't want unlucky people working in my department.
- How to live forever? Hire a project manager to plan your death.
- My project manager hired nine women to my project so that they can deliver it in one month
- Rumor has it the upper management at my company wants to hire on a religious figure for some reason But that's nun of my business.
- As the recruitment manager for a large firm, I don't like to hire unlucky people So I throw every second job application I receive into the rubbish bin
Manager Employee Jokes
Here is a list of funny manager employee jokes and even better manager employee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season. The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"
- Did you hear about the Quiznos scandal where the management was pushing their tasks off onto their employees? The media is calling it deli-gate
- Have you heard about the squid that's really good at his job? The manager says he's an ink-redible employee.
- An employee named Long helped me at the asian market the other day... I wanted to tell his manager how great he was, but before I could ask him his full name he was long gone.
- What did the manager of a log cutting company tell his employees when they were working too slow? Chop chop.
Manager Boss Jokes
Here is a list of funny manager boss jokes and even better manager boss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just got fired from my new job as a supply chain manager... My boss just said, "That's LIFO."
- Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance! All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.
- I walked into work and my boss handed me a brochure on anger management. I just lost it.
- My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers. So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
- What do you call a boss that's under 5 feet tall? A micro manager
- The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary and he shouted at him... Boss - "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager - "No, sir, this I do free of charge." - My boss walked up to me and said "Congrats, you've been promoted to manager." "Cool, who do I manage now?" I asked. "Yourself."
- A talk with the Boss. Boss: "Since you've started here, a year ago, you went from a mere assistant to regional manager, what can you say about that?"
Dude: "Thanks dad." - Q: How is a boss better than a wife?
A: A boss at least pays you for making your life miserable. - My boss is so nit picky that he's not even a micro manager... ...he's a quantum manager.
Cheerful Fun Manager Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about manager you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean controller jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make manager pranks.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
There were three friends...
There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
A maintenance matter
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."
The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"
A blind man walks into a bar and asks, "You all wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The female bartender responds, "Let me stop you right there. I'm a blonde. The big bouncer at the door is a blonde. There's a biker chick sitting next to you, who is also a blonde. The singer on the stage, the manager of the bar, and two of the people at the table behind you are all blondes. Now think, do you REALLY want to tell that joke here?
"Nah," the man sighs, "not if I'm gonna have to explain it 7 times."
Mujibar get a job in India
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have to show you are proficient in the English language. Please make a sentence using the words: Yellow, Pink, and Green.'
Mujibar responded, 'The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say, Yellow! This is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.
Kermit Jagger needs a loan.
Kermit Jagger needed to take out a large loan, so he went to his bank and met with a banker named Patricia Wack.
Patricia asked, "Do you have something you can offer as collateral?" Kermit responded by placing a little porcelain figurine on the desk. Patricia was not impressed, but she went to her manager to explain the situation. The manager laughed, and replied,
"It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
Drunk people are always fascinating
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "
A Chess Shop
A man walks into a chess shop, and going over to the small asian manager, he asks if he can purchase a piece.
The manager says, "Oh sure. Take a rook."
Bag Boy
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."
This woman stumbled upon something called "magic underwear"...
... She asked the manager, "What's magic about them?"
The man replied, "Well, if you wear it, you won't get pregnant!"
The woman bought the underwear but came back a few weeks later.
"You said that I won't get pregnant! It doesn't even work!" The woman lashed out at the manager.
The manager said to her, "Of course it does, miss."
"Then explain to me why I'm pregnant."
The manager simply replied, "Did you take it off?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yet another genie in the lamp joke
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' p**...! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' p**...! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is m**... Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
I need a joke in to tell my Hispanic manager!
I tried telling my boss a corny joke but he said he didn't get it because it was too 'American'(his words not mine). So i told him I'd find a joke in Spanish and try telling him it. I want to make my boss laugh so help me out guys! So if you know any work friendly jokes in Spanish post them here with a translation. Thanks!
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Who is a Project Manager?
Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.
What do you call a blonde in a BMW?
Optional. (My manager from Croatia told me this during a shift)
Clever guy applying for a job, ended up talking about the wages...
Manager: '' So you will start at $15 a hour and later you could earn at least $20 a hour. ''
Applicant: ''Alright then I'll be back later! ''
A Tree walks into a bank...
...and says to the teller, "I'd like to take out a loan."
The teller replies, "You'll have to talk to our branch manager."
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
In a theater
A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.
The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat. The man grunts and does not move.
Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, Get out of those seats!
The man grunts, and policeman says, Okay, wise guy, where are you from? The man moans and says, The balcony.
There is an Arab boy lost in the grocery store...
The manager of the store walks up to the boy and asks "what does your mother look like?" The boy replies " I don't know".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... is walking in an extermination camp with the camp manager..
"Why is there such a sweet smell in the air?" h**... asked.
"Today we're burning the diabetic" answered the manager.
A man goes ice fishing...
He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."
He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, There are no fish there either."
He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."
Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"
"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."
What do you call a guy in a suit sitting in a tree?
Branch Manager
There was an International Job opening.
Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"
Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.
I thought of this joke this morning in the shower
A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"
Guy walks into a gym
He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women.
The manager points to the ATM.
Where ya from Sam?
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What's he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.
A panda walks into a restaurant
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.
$200″ – he replied.
That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.
Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!
Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.
"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two drunk men visit a brothel
The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her b**........She f**... in my face and flew out of the window.
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"
Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager?
She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.
A South African actor walks into his managers office (original joke)
Looking for a job. His manager thinks about it and says "we only have one role available at the moment, it's a short film about segregation"
The actor replies "great, that sounds like a-part-heid take"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An undertaker comes home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?"asks his wife."I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge e**... .Anyway, I find the room and sure enough, there's this big n**... guy lying on the bed with this huge e**....So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye? "The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An employee and her boss are having s**....
Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?
A black guys walks into a bank...
... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas.
I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.
PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar
The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment...
...and he's very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment complex manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."
A man storms into his manager's office
and demands a raise. "And just so you know," he blusters, "three other companies are after me!"
"Is that so?" the manager says. "Which companies in particular?"
"The electricity company, the telephone company and the gas company."
The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner
A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"
Blonde goes ice fishing
A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts fishing.
Suddenly a voice from above says: There are no fish here.
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn't see anybody. She shrugs and continues.
After a while the voice comes again: There are no fish here.
The blonde looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
The voice replies,"No, this is the ice-skating rink's maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Banned oranges...
It's 2021 and I went to the supermarket to buy some oranges but couldn't find any. I went to another one but there were no oranges again...
I asked the store manager what's the matter
He said "Trump banned all the Muslims for what some of them did so the new president banned all the oranges for what one of them did".
A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, No, ma'am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.
Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside. Never, he snarled, Never, never, never say we're out of anything- say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now, what was it she wanted anyway? The clerk said, Rain!
"I'm not a fool..."
An illiterate man loses his cheque book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your cheque book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: I am not a fool... I already signed all the cheques, so there is no space to forge my signature..
The tech manager said that none of the programmers will be allowed to work from home.
Because she'd have no way of checking if they were following the dress code.
NOTE: This is actually what she said and not as a joke. All I'll say is it's a hospital in northern Ohio.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"
..."Well Im your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I walked into a s**... shop the other day...
Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.
A man called the hotel manager...
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".
Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.
A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"
My dad told me this one.
He's a cable manager and often has to keep moving in his van/truck. One day he was driving in farm country and ran over a pig. He got out of the car to check on the pig and the pig was okay so he kept driving to his destination. When he got home, he got a call from a farmer.
"Hello?"
"I know you ran over ma pig"
"How did you know?"
"He squealed"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You see?
A husband and wife visited a farm. They saw a bull having s**... with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager.
Wife: "How many times does a bull have s**... per day?"
Manager: "4 times a day."
The wife looked at her husband and said ".... you see!"
Then the husband asked the manager.
Husband: "U mean 4 times a day with the same cow?"
Manager: "No, no, with different cows everyday."
Husband looked to his wife and said: " ....you see!"
A Store Manager asked me to move a Kia that was blocking an exit...
I told him, "I would, but that's not my Forte."
The FBI is interviewing a bank manager who's been robbed 3 times by the same guy.
The agent says, "did you notice anything distinct about him when he came into the bank?"
Manager replies, "only that each time he showed up, he was much better dressed."
A slightly overweight transgendered person walks into a health food store
the manager instantly runs up and tells her to leave the store, "why?" she asks confusedly, the manager points angrily at a sign on the door
"No trans fats"
(I dont mean to offend anyone, I just heard this from a trans friend.)
A stairway builder was retiring
On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"
The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly:
"Oh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement-stairs..."
A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...
The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was being trained as a caller in a s**... prevention hotline...
...On my first day of training, my manager said;
"Let me show you the ropes!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.
How about a q**...? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...
The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."
A problem at the restaurant
Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!"
"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."
A blind man was walking downtown and he stumbled upon the fish market.....
As he enters the market with his seeing eye dog all of a sudden he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are
you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
A blonde walked into a gas station...
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
An MBA graduate lost his mind and used to go climb a tree at 9 am everyday and sit on a branch until 5pm.
He thought of himself as a branch manager.
I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!
He's my super visor
I slept with a bank manager
and got financial aids
If I ask a Catholic sister to work for me as a manager ...
Does that make her nun of my business?
Just put Toys R Us General Manager on your resume.
Who are they gonna ask?
I went for an interview at IKEA.
The manager greeted me by saying, "Come in, make a seat."
Yale educated
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not good at counting money and adding up figures.
"Where did you get your financial education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" barked the manager.
"Yim Yohnston," he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anti-vaxxer, an entitled woman, and a Karen walk into a bar
She demands to speak to the manager
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager
