Manager Employee Jokes
37 manager employee jokes and hilarious manager employee puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about manager employee that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Manager Employee Short Jokes
Short manager employee jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The manager employee humour may include short manager boss jokes also.
- The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season. The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"
- A Restaurent Manager is Interviewing a Potential Employee, and He Asks Why She'd Be a Good Waitress... She responds with this: "Well, I guess you could say I bring a lot to the table."
- First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-through.
- Did you hear about the Quiznos scandal where the management was pushing their tasks off onto their employees? The media is calling it deli-gate
- Have you heard about the squid that's really good at his job? The manager says he's an ink-redible employee.
- An employee named Long helped me at the asian market the other day... I wanted to tell his manager how great he was, but before I could ask him his full name he was long gone.
- In an Appraisal discussion... Manager: This is your revised salary, Keep it confidential. Employee: Don't worry, I am equally ashamed of it
- What did the manager of a log cutting company tell his employees when they were working too slow? Chop chop.
- An employee and her boss are having s**.... Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager? - What did Louis c**... call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis? Different Strokes for Different Folks
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Manager Employee Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about manager employee you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean employee boss jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make manager employee pranks.
Boss comes up to an employee:
"Yesterday you did a great job - in one day you managed to do as much work, as you did in previous month!"
"Thanks boss, that's because Facebook was shut down for the whole day."
The manager hired a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”
Tickle me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Five cannibals get hired
Five cannibals get hired on as engineers at a large International Company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for a meal, so please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Vice Presidents, Corporate Lawyers, and Regional Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
So the boss wants to fire one of his employees...
When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. "I've got to lay you or j**...." "j**...," she snapped. "I have a headache."
Tickle Me Elmo
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
The difference between before/after getting hired
When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.
Reasons to allow drinking at work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Familiarity on the job.
A manager in a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
A guy finds a crocodile in his backyard...
So he calls up an animal control center and asks, "I found a crocodile in my yard and I managed to get it in my truck...what should I do with it?" So the person from the animal control center says, "Well, your best bet now would be to take it to the zoo." The following day, the animal control center employee figures he would call and check back with the guy to see what happened to the crocodile. He asks, "So, what did you do with the crocodile?" and the guy responds, "Well, I took it to the zoo yesterday like you suggested...and tonight I'm taking it to a movie.
Reading between the lines.
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals
to increase their diversity...
... "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
Information Technology cannibals
Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The cannibals promise not to bother the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals deny any knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand rise hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything. Why you just had to go and eat the cleaner?!"
A new manager was hired....
The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes.
The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and ordered him to get into the manager's office.
"What is your name?" Asked the manager.
"Steven," he replied.
"And how much do you make in a week?"
"I make about 400 dollars."
the manager pulls out 400 and hands it to him.
"Here's this week's pay, now get out of here and never let me see you again!"
Steven then gets up and goes away.
Realizing he needs a replacement, the manager then walks up to a random worker and asks him: "that guy, Steve, who just left, what does he do around here?"
"Oh Steve?" Replied the worker, "that's the pizza delivery man!"
A manager hired a new secretary and she was young, sweet and polite…
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said, Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?
The secretary replied, Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!
A manager has two great employees...
A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.
Jack walks in and says "I guess you decided to let her go?"
Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says "I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or j**....'"
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office...
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
The CEO of a successful hummus production company talking to his financial advisor...
Our profitability is at an all-time high, we have over 2,500 employees and everyone seems happy. I feel like I've done all I can in the hummus business world and I want to branch out. This might sound strange, but I've always wanted to create and manage a g**..., f**...-type website. What are your thoughts on that?
The advisor, with a puzzled look on his face, pauses for a few seconds and responds: I think you need to be more versatile with your investments. You'd be taking on a huge risk considering the profitability of both companies would be 100% reliant on chickpea.
A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines,
And everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down.
"But why?" protested the hapless young man.
"Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."
A Manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar
A manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar, full of bright ideas and cheerfulness. He calls a meeting of all of his employees and announces that his office door will be open, and he will be easily accessible for the rest of the week, and if there is ANYTHING an employee needs, now is the time to come talk to him.
Less than an hour later, the manager is sitting in his office, and Joe comes in sheepishly.
"Boss," says Joe, "I've got a problem."
"No, Joe!" says the manager. "In this company, we do not have problems. We have opportunities!"
"Ok boss," says Joe, "I've got a drinking opportunity"
Nitpicking
To resolve conflicts between management and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. One participant complained about management's tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking. A manager leaped to his feet to ask, Shouldn't there be a hyphen between nit and picking?
After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your b**... become.
Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.
Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or j**.... Without batting an eye she responded "you better j**..., I have a terrible headache."
A man walks into an auto shop.
He walks straight up to the front desk and says, Listen, I need some repairs, but I've got a really suped up, high powered, custom car, so I don't know if you'll be able to handle it.
The employee says, I can see if it's something we can manage, how many pistons does it have?
The customer thinks, I'm not exactly sure, but I know it has a s**...-ton.
The employee replies, Well, I need to know if it has a p**...-ton.
The Corporate Ladder
A recent study in USA have found an interesting relationship between a man social status and the sport he watches
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employee is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is American FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL
5. The sport of Choice for middle management is TENNIS
6. the sport of Choice for corporate Officers is GOLF
CONCLUSION: The Higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your b**... become
A newly appointed American employee was approached by his Japanese manager.
Manager: Good morning, Dave.
Employee: Good morning, sir.
Manager: Where do you live in America?
Employee: Ohio.
Manager: Okay, I heard you the first time.
Mr Bestetti, we have carried a lot of prostitutes here, but I don't remember ever seeing such an old, ugly and spiteful one
It's 10 pm and a rich businessman, Mr. Bestetti, is working at his home office when his wife enters the room shouting: "I have talked with our priest, he told me everything! You cheat on me by going to the s**...! I am going to go to the lawyer and get a divorce, and you'll give me half of everything, even of our offshore secret bank account!"
To this the husband replies: "No, darling. I actually only go to the club when I have worked for long hours with a foreign businessman. At the end of the day he is tired, doesn't know what to do, so I accompany him and leave him there."
The wife doesn't seem convinced, so she asks to go to the s**... with her husband and check. The husband reluctantly agrees.
At the entrance, the bouncer greets them: "Good evening Mr. Bestetti!" The husband quickly explains to his wife: "This bouncer is actually the brother of one of my employees, I found him this job, that's why he knows me and greets me so kindly."
In the hall, a waitress also greets them and says: "I will give you your favourite table, Mr Bestetti, right in front of the stage." The wife starts shouting, but Mr Bestetti silences her: "I am a very important businessman. The waitress is just showing me respect and giving me a special table."
Inside, another waitress approaches them, brings a cigar to Mr Bestetti and says: "Here's your favourite cigar, Mr Bestetti." The wife is getting quite angry, but he immediately clarifies: "She also works at the tobacconist near my office during the day, that's why she knows which cigars I prefer."
Meanwhile, a group of girls is dancing and on the stage. At the end, the nicest girl remains on her own on the stage and starts removing all of her clothes. At the end she gets her underwear off, holds it up and asks the audience: "To whom shall I gif them?" To which the audience responds in a chorus: "To Mr Bestetti!"
The wife gets mad and starts shouting to her husband. "Cheater! b**...! You were lying to me all along!" she says, before storming out of the building and jumping in a taxi.
Mr Bestetti follows her quickly and manages to enter the same taxi, but she keeps screaming and also repeatedly hitting him with her purse.
After a while, the taxi driver turns back and says: "Mr Bestetti, we have carried a lot of prostitutes here, but I don't remember ever seeing such an old, ugly and spiteful one!