Management Jokes

What are some Management jokes?

I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it

My wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day.

I lost it.

My wife gave me a leaflet about anger management last week...

I lost it.

I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.

An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.

The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."

Someone gave me a book on anger Management

I lost it

My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management

I lost it.

A guy on the street stopped me to give me a flier on anger management.

I lost it.

A maintenance matter

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."

The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"

TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

The two most difficult things in programming...

The two most difficult things in programming are memory management, naming things, and off by one errors.

Anger Management

As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."

So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Two spoons...

A man and his wife were seated in a restaurant, when the man noticed that all the waiters carried two spoons in their vest pocket.


Curious, the man asked their waiter the reason for this.


"Well, sir," the waiter explained, "an efficiency study conducted by the management determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item is a spoon. Therefore, all waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."


As the waiter was offering the explanation to the couple, they noticed there was a string hanging out of the fly of his pants.


"What about that?" the man asked, discreetly pointing to the string.


"That, sir, is the result of another efficiency study." the waiter replied.


"When we need to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."


"I understand how you can get yourself out and aim," the man said, "but how do you go about getting yourself back in?"


"I don't know about the other waiters, sir," the waiter replied, "but I use the two spoons!"

Coffee Joke [OC]

So the coffee asked the creamer, "Are you outraged by our working conditions too, or do you support management?"

The creamer replied, "I'm half and half."

^^^I'm ^^^Sorry.

You must be in management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded "You must be in management".
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fuc#ing fault

What do you call a protein that has anger management issues?

Amino acid!

Did you hear about Steve Harvey's new job?

Hawaii Emergency Management Agency.

You must be in tech support...

My aviation management professor told this to the class on the first day today:

One afternoon, a hot-air balloon pilot decides to relax and go for a ride. After a while he ends up getting lost, having no idea where he is. So he descends closer to the ground until he ends up flying by a guy outside his house.

The pilot yells down, "Hey! Where am I?!"

The guy on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 50 feet above my house!"

Pilot: "You must be in tech support!"

Guy on ground: "Yeah, actually. How did you know?!"

Pilot: "Because everything you've told me is 100% true and 100% useless!"

Guy on the ground: "You must be in management!"

Pilot: "Yeah I am! How did you know?!"

Guy on the ground: "You don't have any idea where you are or where you're going. You're in the exact same position you were in before we met five seconds ago, but somehow it's my fault!"

What did Louis CK call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis?

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? The man below says: Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. You must work in Information Technology, says the balloonist. I do replies the man. How did you know? Well, says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone. The man below replies, You must work in management. I do, replies the balloonist, But how'd you know? Well , says the man, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.

I reported a cashier to her management for sexually harassing me

She was checking me out.

Management told me in a meeting today that my language is too "insensitive"

How retarded is that?

A man is flying in a hot air balloon

3. A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Terms & Conditions

The zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo vet found the female gorilla was on heat and there was no male of the species.

The zoo management discovered that one of their staff
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the zoo approached him with a proposition, Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for Rs. 50,000?


He showed some interest but said he would have to think.

The next day he announced that he would accept their offer,
but under three conditions:

1. You won't make a video recording,

2. You must never tell anyone about this.

3. I will need at least one week to arrange the money

Four guys were golfing when one gets a phone call and walks away

The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons have been. The first guy explains how his son started as an entry level stock broker, but now owns his own wealth management firm. The last time he got a friend a gift, he gave him a half-million dollar investment portfolio. The second guy then brags about his son. My son is so successful, he started out as a used car salesman but now owns his own dealership. He recently gave a friend a brand new Bentley as a birthday gift. The third guy, not to be outdone, says that his son started as a carpenter but now owns a construction company. The last gift he gave a friend was a brand new house. At this point, the fourth guy returns from his call. The other gentleman ask about his son, to which he replies "Well, I'm not too pleased with my son right now. He has been unemployed for the last year and a half, and he recently told me he is gay." As the other men look at him in horror, he continues "But he must be really good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends gave him a huge stock portfolio, and new luxury car, and a brand new house."

Reasons to allow drinking at work



1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

You know why Superman would be the best candidate for a management position?

Supervision.

I'm about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

Customer feedback.

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, What was that?

The guy smiled at her, Direct marketing!

The girl slapped him soundly.

What was that?! said the boy, holding his cheek.

Customer feedback.

What did the sign convention management do to the woman who kept pulling down their long signs?

Banner.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one customer. The director was disappointed with the boy and said he already had sellers today who had done much better than him. The manager asked the boy how much the sale was worth, and the boy answered "$93,100.25". The manager was very confused and asked the boy what he had sold.

The boy: "I started off with a $0.25 fish hook which got him looking at the fishing poles. I set him up with the $100 bait master and asked him where he was gonna fish, I told him about that great lake down south but told him he'd need a car with all wheel drive to make it up the rough terrain so we got him into the $33,000 SUV we had on the lot, when he asked about boat rentals I thought I had lost him, but I ended up selling him the $60,000 riverking pro to top it off."

The manager steps back in disbelief and says "Wow, you sold that all to a guy who came in for a fish hook?

"No" the boy said "The customer came in and told he had to buy tampons for his wife. I simply told him the weekend was already wrecked so he might as well go on a fishing trip"

I got fired from my last job for cropdusting customers.

I guess management caught wind.

Is it possible to have the word 'and' five times in a row in an English sentence, while still being grammatically correct?

A man had just bought a pub, The Fox and Hound, and wanted a big new sign for it outside, so that potential customers would know that it was under new management and come a try it out.

So, he contracted a sign-maker to make the sign for him. A week later, the sign-maker came back to him with the design for the sign.

The pub owner said: I like it! I like the colours and the font and the minimalistic style, but there's too much much space between 'Fox' and 'and' and 'and' and 'Hound'. Could you fix it?

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

I got fired from my job in waste management.

The only thing I managed to waste was time.

Like yours.

Financial Management

A Man found 100$, He went to a 5 star hotel for Dinner there. His bill was 300$.When He said that He has only 100$, then Manager handed Him to Police. He gave 100$ to Police and went free.
Its Called Financial Management.!!

My favorite bad Christmas joke

Dolf is the weatherman at KTVY, the local CBS affiliate in Kansas City. He's also a closet communist, and has a bit of an anger management problem. During their Christmas Eve broadcast Dolf forecasts a cold and rainy Christmas day, then turns it over to Erin, the anchor he's been dating for the past few months:
"Dolf, are you sure its just rain for tomorrow? I bet everyone's praying for a little snow tonight!"
"No no Erin, just rain for tomorrow"
"Are you sure we can't look forward to a white Christmas?"
"NO! RUDOLF THE RED KNOWS RAIN, DEAR!"

I gave a speech about time management

It lasted seven hours

First rule of Fast Food management:

Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-through.

It's best to hire people with anger issues into high positions

Most of them have already had management training

Why did the saxophone player have to go to anger management?

He had a bad ALTOtude problem.

I'm currently working on a management oriented book focused on the delegation of tasks

"I'll have my secretary let you know when my intern finishes writing it." - Mr. Manager


Cordially,

Mrs. Team Lead

Friend just broke all his protractors

He has a real angle management problem

To err is human.

To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

What did the management consultant think of his job?

It was the Bain of his existence.

What do you call a feminist manager.

Miss. Management.

Adam and Eve must have lived in the soviet union.

They had no clothes, no roof over their heads, the only food they had was an apple and the management was constantly telling them they were in paradise.

An eye is going to anger management

The counselor asks the eye why are you currently in anger management? To which the eye responds Eyelash out at people when I get angry and I can't stop.

A Mormon man married a second wife..

A Mormon man married a second wife but after several months he could not bear all the expenses from the 2 wives so he decided to divorce one of them.

He called both of his wives and gave them $70 each and told them that he will leave for a week. And when he comes back he will see which one is better with money management.

After a week he came back. He found the old wife still have $10 left but the new wife has borrowed an extra $50.
So, he divorced the old one because she can take care of her self.

I've always preferred management over human resources

I guess that's just a personnel preference

What do you call a fake attempt to overthrow management at the puzzles and mind games factory?

Pseudo coux

Q: Why do Soviet soldiers always miss?
A: They have terrible Marxmanship.

I've made a fortune through international human resource management!

Or 'human trafficking', as some call it.

How do cities decide who gets to be in charge of wastewater management?

They hold a runoff election.

How to make Management jokes?

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