Managed Jokes
109 managed jokes and hilarious managed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about managed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores how managed care impacted survivors of a car crash that miraculously drove off a cliff. Learn how this new care has changed the way survivors approach their healthcare and how it has helped them to move forward.
Funniest Managed Short Jokes
Short managed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The managed humour may include short management jokes also.
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- What is a Pirate's favorite letter? The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.
Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind . - I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son's train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
- Old McDonald had to hire a manager for the farm. The manager asked, "What's my title?" mcdonald said, "You're the C I E I O."
- I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet... I thought it'd be a piece of cake...
- My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA... The manager says Welcome! Come in and make a seat.
- I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety. I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
- Donald Trump has announced that he plan to extend his wall across the oceans... This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
- My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
- My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Share These Managed Jokes With Friends
Managed One Liners
Which managed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with managed? I can suggest the ones about manager and control.
- I signed up for a gym membership this year. So far I've managed to lose £200.
- What do you call an engineer who doesn't know how to use a calculator? A project manager.
- Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc? Because she wanted to see the task manager.
- I received a flier on anger management the other day I lost it
- How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask? He's force fed.
- '2' managed to be prime, Against all the odds.
- Customer: I want cargo space Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
Manager: See me in my office - Someone gave me a book on anger Management I lost it
- Why did the Irish call their currency the "Punt" ? Because it rhymes with Bank Manager
- What makes a man age quickly? A manager
- My son got 8 out of 10 on his driver's test. The other 2 managed to jump out of his way.
- A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero. It was 0K.
- Napoleon was the best general the french ever had. He managed to surrender twice.
- Edgy jokes are like my life Sad and depressing but people still manage to laugh at it.
- Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired? He was a Mike Rowe manager.
Managed Care Jokes
Here is a list of funny managed care jokes and even better managed care puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM? It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.
Howlingly Hilarious Managed Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about managed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean organized jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make managed pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**... flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two r**... survived the
c**....
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who.
hasn't been clean for years managed to die in a bath?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got arrested last night for m**......
I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.
The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.
Did you know that, during the first game of the 1936 baseball season, the Boston Braves managed to win while also badly injuring six players on the opposing team?
They were truly ruthless.
Needed directions in Hollywood last weekend
So last weekend in Hollywood i managed to get lost so i approached a fancy looking black couple and asked for directions . . .
They gave me their baby.
I inherited some land recently and managed to buy 100 donkeys for £100...
...I planned on selling them one by one for a profit, but overnight some sick guy broke into my farm and cut all the donkeys tails off! Now I'm left with 100 donkeys with no tails, so I'm going to have to wholesale them!
(ask me why I have to wholesale them...)
Well I can't retail them can I?!
An old lady gets into a taxi
An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies
"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."
A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning
"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Conversation between a 911 operator and a hunter
"911, what's your emergency?"
"My friend and I went hunting and he got attacked by a bear, I managed to scare it away, but I think my friend is dead"
"OK, stay calm. First, make sure he is dead"
*Gun shot*
"He is. Now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.
After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friends said I couldn't give a l**... a h**...
...but I managed to pull it off!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the b**... to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF b**... and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
Has Kim Kardashian Broken The Internet?
I'm not sure if Kim Kardashian has actually managed to 'break the internet', but she's certainly put a big crack in it!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.
I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me w**... and not some pervert.
I wanted to see how fast I could drive my new car down Main Street. I managed to hit 60 before getting pulled over.
Most of them survived with only minor injuries.
I was playing a quiet game of Scrabble with a friend
and he's a very sore loser. He was losing so badly, that he got extremely angry, picked up the bag and started throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.
I managed to dodge this, there and then. But I did not see that coming.
I managed to lose 245lbs of unsightly flesh...
Divorced the wife.
— You know, that doctor actually managed to improve my memory.
— Really? That's great! What's his name?
— Umm... you know that flower, the beautiful one, with red petals, a nice smell and thorns?
— You mean a rose?
— Yes, rose, exactly, thank you! (turning to his wife) Rose, honey, what's my doctor's name?
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why were the Boston Marathon Bombings worse than h**...? (OFFENSIVE)
Because they actually managed to end a race.
Managed to sell a toaster with Norton Antivirus today
Told the customer it would guard against popups
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with m**... today.
To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.
Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.
Now I feel depressed and miserable.
Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?
He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
I've decided to get help with my drug habit.
I've managed to convince some friends to give me bulk discounts.
Interviewer: Name one of your accomplishments
Applicant:Well I discovered aliens, outside my house and managed to learn their language.
Interviewer:That seems rather complicated...
Applicant:Well Spanish isn't hard to learn sir.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all on their way to heaven
One day, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were on their way to heaven.
God told them that there were 1,000 stairs to reach heaven, and on every stair he would tell them a joke. If they laughed, or even just smiled, they would not make it into heaven.
The redhead managed to make it to the 45th step before laughing.
The brunette reached 200 and cracked a smile.
The blonde made it all the way to the 999th step and burst out in laughter before God had even told his joke.
"Why are you laughing when I haven't even told my joke yet?" God asked the Blonde.
"I just got the first one!" she answered.
Honestly, I'm just amazed he managed to pull it off.
When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.
Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.
Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
A mother and her child were hugging ...
"Mommy," says the child, "am I adopted?"
"No, sweetie," replied the mother. "We haven't managed to find someone who will take you."
The wife & I have just been to the cinema to see that film, Suffragette.
Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.
Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.
I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution
My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!
Lord of the Bow
So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I finally managed to get rid of that n**... electrical charge I've been carrying.
I'm ex-static!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A salesman knocked on a suburban door...
...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*c**... do you think?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy tried to give himself a s**... change operation.
It didn't look like he was going to do it, but somehow he managed to pull it off.
Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...
He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.
Subway
A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.
My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader.
Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three cats live at the football stadium
It was lean pickings one winter but eventually they managed to catch a mouse and are discussing how they will divide it up.
The first cat says "as we live at the football stadium let's divide it by team. I support Liverpool so I will eat it's Liver
"Great idea" says the second cat "I support Hartlepool. I will eat the heart
The third cat says "I support Arsenal, I'm not that hungry thanks"
When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English
It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand.
But I have managed to keep them in check so far.
I tried circumcision without the proper equipment.
It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to pull it off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of lads go out for a night and then go to a cowboy themed bar.
When they go in they see that the bar has installed a spinning bull. They all have a go and the bull spins them around and they all fall off within 30 seconds.Up steps p**... and he jumps on the bull and he stays on for 10 minutes before falling off . The rest of the lads ask how he managed to stay on for so long and he replies
"my wifes epileptic"
I managed to get a butler who works for free
I normally have really rotten luck, but I managed to get a butler who works for free. However, when I saw him, I realised he has lost his left arm;
Serves me right...
When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.
I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.
A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff
Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to e**... anything
When Thanos snaps...
Avengers: Oh no, he did it he managed to get rid of half the universe we did not stop him there is no hope. We are in Endgame now.
Karen: ThE VaCCinEs TurNEd My KIdS tO DuSt !!!!!
The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.
Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.
Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.
Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?
Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son's train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst m**....
But I managed to pull it off
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Saucy!?
I tried to make a 'fancy' sauce last night at dinner, I mixed v**..., gravy and nitrous oxide, sadly, all I managed was make myself an Absolut laughing stock!
Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum
The ex-spearmint was a complete success
How would you write I changed a light bulb on your resume?
Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.
I had my driving exams today and scored 9 out of 10
The last guy managed to jump out of the way
My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".
Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.
My landlord managed to get rid of 230 pounds of ugly fat...
he evicted me!
After what happened at the U.S. Captiol
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Just tried to de-snow my car with a loyalty card
I only managed to get 10% off
I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share!
It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?
The resemblance was uncanny!
A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.
The man's face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.
Are you okay? Whats the matter? begged his wife.
He managed to get control of himself. For a minute there, you sounded like my ex-wife.
Your ex-wife? the woman exclaimed. You never told me that you were married before!
I wasn't, he said.
A father, finally exasperated looking at his son's failed test scores, shouted: " Son, if you fail your exams one more time today, don't you EVER call me your father again!!"
"Yes, father.", the son replied meekly.
After the exams, the son came home.
"How were the exams, son? Do you think you managed to pass this time?"
"NO PROBLEMO, DUDE!"
I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:
Success baguettes success.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were taking the train one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field.
As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.
"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"
"Elementary, Dear Watson. There were 167 sheep." Sherlock calmly stated.
"Holmes, are you really telling me you managed to count them all in that brief moment?" Watson inquired.
"Don't be silly, Watson. I counted the legs and divided them by four."
"My wife lost both her prosthetic legs in Indonesia." "Jakarta?"
"No we managed to get her a wheelchair"
I wrote a bot script to get past website security
So far its managed to evade captcha
A stubborn chicken
There was once a stubborn chicken at Mr. Wiley's farm who always used to find ways to escape out the back.
Mr. Wiley decided to put a fence around chicken house, but being a stubborn chicken, he still managed to escape out the back.
Then Mr. Wiley decided to put it in a cage. But chicken, being stubborn still managed to escape out the back.
Frustrated, Mr. Wiley killed it, cooked it and finally ate it. But the chicken was stubborn. He still managed to escape out the back.
An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...
He said, I will be dying soon, so I'd like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.
The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belongings.
The attic was still full of all the possessions she put there.
She shook her head and said, I knew I should have put all his possessions in the basement.
My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...
... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.
The surgeon who performed my circumcision didn't have scalpels.
I was surprised they managed to pull it off.
Gas station robbery
First off…I am ok. I was just robbed at the Shell station in Tampa. After my hands stopped shaking, I managed to call the Sheriff, they were quick to respond and calmed me down. My money is gone, the police asked me if I knew who did it. I said yes, it was pump number 5.
God and the devil chat about music
The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human for me to infect. it requires a soul to create music .
The devil leans back, now the music-industry, that's some of my finer work
