Howlingly Hilarious Managed Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Two r**... flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two r**... survived the
c**....
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who.
hasn't been clean for years managed to die in a bath?
Hugh Hefner
Today, famous p**... Hugh Hefner successfully managed to stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the p**... Mansion, where they had been selling flowers.
Said one friar, "Well if it was anyone else we could've gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
I got arrested last night for m**......
I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.
The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.
Did you know that, during the first game of the 1936 baseball season, the Boston Braves managed to win while also badly injuring six players on the opposing team?
They were truly ruthless.
I inherited some land recently and managed to buy 100 donkeys for £100...
...I planned on selling them one by one for a profit, but overnight some sick guy broke into my farm and cut all the donkeys tails off! Now I'm left with 100 donkeys with no tails, so I'm going to have to wholesale them!
(ask me why I have to wholesale them...)
Well I can't retail them can I?!
An old lady gets into a taxi
An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies
"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."
A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning
"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"
Conversation between a 911 operator and a hunter
"911, what's your emergency?"
"My friend and I went hunting and he got attacked by a bear, I managed to scare it away, but I think my friend is dead"
"OK, stay calm. First, make sure he is dead"
*Gun shot*
"He is. Now what?"
Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.
After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."
My friends said I couldn't give a l**... a h**...
...but I managed to pull it off!
You can explore managed drove reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean managed management lesson dad jokes. There are also managed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the b**... to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF b**... and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
Has Kim Kardashian Broken The Internet?
I'm not sure if Kim Kardashian has actually managed to 'break the internet', but she's certainly put a big crack in it!
Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.
I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me w**... and not some pervert.
I wanted to see how fast I could drive my new car down Main Street. I managed to hit 60 before getting pulled over.
Most of them survived with only minor injuries.
I was playing a quiet game of Scrabble with a friend
and he's a very sore loser. He was losing so badly, that he got extremely angry, picked up the bag and started throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.
I managed to dodge this, there and then. But I did not see that coming.
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
New machine at the gym.
They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it.
They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, you name it...
The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.
A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with s**... people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."
Why were the Boston Marathon Bombings worse than h**...? (OFFENSIVE)
Because they actually managed to end a race.
Managed to sell a toaster with Norton Antivirus today
Told the customer it would guard against popups
I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with m**... today.
To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.
I met a little boy today.
He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.
I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.
I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"
As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his cheeks still wet. He managed to crack a small smile.
"Yeah. What gave me away?"
I leaned in close and whispered,
"Your parents."
Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.
Now I feel depressed and miserable.
Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?
He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
I've decided to get help with my drug habit.
I've managed to convince some friends to give me bulk discounts.
Interviewer: Name one of your accomplishments
Applicant:Well I discovered aliens, outside my house and managed to learn their language.
Interviewer:That seems rather complicated...
Applicant:Well Spanish isn't hard to learn sir.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all on their way to heaven
One day, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were on their way to heaven.
God told them that there were 1,000 stairs to reach heaven, and on every stair he would tell them a joke. If they laughed, or even just smiled, they would not make it into heaven.
The redhead managed to make it to the 45th step before laughing.
The brunette reached 200 and cracked a smile.
The blonde made it all the way to the 999th step and burst out in laughter before God had even told his joke.
"Why are you laughing when I haven't even told my joke yet?" God asked the Blonde.
"I just got the first one!" she answered.
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
Honestly, I'm just amazed he managed to pull it off.
When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.
Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.
Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...
This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!
One Sunday morning in church...
... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.
Almost all hands in the church went up.
"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."
The wife & I have just been to the cinema to see that film, Suffragette.
Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.
Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.
I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution
My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!
Lord of the Bow
So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.
I'm really proud that I managed to finish a jigsaw puzzle in a few days.
The box said 2-4 years.
I finally managed to get rid of that n**... electrical charge I've been carrying.
I'm ex-static!
A salesman knocked on a suburban door...
...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*c**... do you think?"
I signed up for a gym membership this year.
So far I've managed to lose £200.
A guy tried to give himself a s**... change operation.
It didn't look like he was going to do it, but somehow he managed to pull it off.
Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...
He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.
Subway
A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.
I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and brought it back.
Seems a little far fetched.
When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English
It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...
I thought it'd be a piece of cake...
I tried circumcision without the proper equipment.
It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to pull it off.
'2' managed to be prime,
Against all the odds.
Napoleon was the best general the french ever had.
He managed to surrender twice.
A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff
Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to e**... anything
The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.
Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.
Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.
Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?
Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son's train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
The president walks out the White House and one of his body guards spots a shooter.
Quickly, he shouts "MICKEY MOUSE" and charges the gunman. Confused, the shooter is managed to be apprehended and the body guard is a hero.
The next day his boss invites him into his office and asks why he shouted mickey mouse. Blushing, he replied " I was panicking and I meant to say, Donald duck".
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds...
And I'm proud to say that I managed to hit one of the little brats!
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst m**....
But I managed to pull it off
Saucy!?
I tried to make a 'fancy' sauce last night at dinner, I mixed v**..., gravy and nitrous oxide, sadly, all I managed was make myself an Absolut laughing stock!
I have a friend that lives just outside Chernobyl
After watching the TV Show he told me that he managed to count 14 historical inacuracies within the first 20 minutes... ...then he ran out of fingers.
Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum
The ex-spearmint was a complete success
A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.
It was 0K.
How would you write I changed a light bulb on your resume?
Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.
I had my driving exams today and scored 9 out of 10
The last guy managed to jump out of the way
My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".
Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.
I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son's train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
After what happened at the U.S. Captiol
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share!
It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were taking the train one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field.
As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.
"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"
"Elementary, Dear Watson. There were 167 sheep." Sherlock calmly stated.
"Holmes, are you really telling me you managed to count them all in that brief moment?" Watson inquired.
"Don't be silly, Watson. I counted the legs and divided them by four."
An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...
He said, I will be dying soon, so I'd like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.
The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belongings.
The attic was still full of all the possessions she put there.
She shook her head and said, I knew I should have put all his possessions in the basement.
My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...
... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.
The surgeon who performed my circumcision didn't have scalpels.
I was surprised they managed to pull it off.
Gas station robbery
First off…I am ok. I was just robbed at the Shell station in Tampa. After my hands stopped shaking, I managed to call the Sheriff, they were quick to respond and calmed me down. My money is gone, the police asked me if I knew who did it. I said yes, it was pump number 5.
God and the devil chat about music
The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human for me to infect. it requires a soul to create music .
The devil leans back, now the music-industry, that's some of my finer work
First day as an undertaker
A brand new undertaker walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was the first day on the job?" the bartender asks. "Not good. Had my first f**... today and I managed to drop the casket as I was loading it into the car," the undertaker says. "Luckily my boss was understanding. He told me I just need to rehearse it."
I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down.
That wouldn't be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.
In the UK most people complain about the bad weather...
In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.
A man was hiking on a mountain when a small rockslide took him towards a cliff
The man managed to grab ahold of the cliff but was barely hanging on. Not knowing what else to do he looked up towards the sky and shouted God, if you're up there, please help me!
The man heard a voice say I'm here. I will protect you, but you need to let go.
The man then shouts Is anybody else up there who can help?
I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.
It worked tirelessly.
I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror
I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting let me through, let me through! .
I finally managed to get to the front of the crowd.
A woman turned to me and said oh thank goodness, are you a doctor? .
I replied no but that's my pizza!
My grandfather died a few days ago after a long and debilitating illness, but he always managed to keep his good sense of humour.
Today I received an Amazon parcel containing a Ouija Board, and a note with a smiley face saying "Let's keep in touch."
My son got 8 out of 10 on his driver's test.
The other 2 managed to jump out of his way.
How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one:
Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.
I bet a guy $50 that I could jump higher than a house.
So we went outside and stood by a house. Mustering all my strength, I managed to jump about 18 inches off the ground.
"Ha! Is that as high as you can jump?"
"Hold on, let's see how high the house jumps."
I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.
I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
