Managed Care Jokes
25 managed care jokes and hilarious managed care puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about managed care that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Managed Care Short Jokes
Short managed care jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The managed care humour may include short health care jokes also.
- What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM? It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.
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Managed Care Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about managed care you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean service management jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make managed care pranks.
"I'm not a fool..."
An illiterate man loses his cheque book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your cheque book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: I am not a fool... I already signed all the cheques, so there is no space to forge my signature..
Yet another genie in the lamp joke
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' p**...! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' p**...! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the b**... to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF b**... and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings.
Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.
Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he comes with his cat and dog ready to play.
Before they play, Berlusconi begins a dialogue.
Berlusconi: John, I don't care about your actual band, I just want to know the secret. How do you do it?
John: I don't do anything, the dog plays guitar and the cat sings, it's as simple as that.
Berlusconi: come on John, just tell me! No way it's real
John: look, it's my livelihood. I can't go around telling the secret i make a career out of this
Berlusconi: money is nothing to me, I'll pay you whatever you want just tell me how you do it
John: alright...I'll tell you. The dog plays guitar and sings, the cat just moves its mouth and pretends.
A hot woman goes up to a guy at the bar and asks "Are you the manager?"
He smiles and says "yep"
She puts her arm around him and says "so it's your job to take care of this place"
"uh huh"
She sticks her fingers in his mouth and whispers in his hear "can I tell you a dirty little secret?"
He emphatically nods whiles mumbling "yes"
"There's no toilet paper in the ladies room"
I took this art class and the teacher said, draw anything.
So, of course, your boy likes wordplay, so I decided to draw water.
I call the teacher over to look at my artwork that I finished and she said, You didn't draw anything.
I said Yes I did.
She said, No you didn't.
I said Um... last time I checked, water was clear, so I guess you didn't see it.
The teacher must've had some anger management issues because she grabbed my canvas, threw it on the ground, and started jumping on it. After the third jump, she tripped and fell right on her a**....
I said, Oof, be careful... Water is slippery.
A Dutchman and an Englishmen meet in a beach bar on holiday.
The Dutchman speaks hardly any English and the Englishman, inevitably, even less Dutch, but they still enjoy each other's company and knock back a few beers together. After a while the Englishman manages to get across a question: "what is it that you do for a living?"
The Dutchman says carefully "I... *f**...\**... horses."
"Pardon?!" exclaims the Englishman.
"*Ja! Paarden!*" says the Dutchman, beaming widely.
\----
\* \['breed'\]
I made the best on the spot Dad joke today
I was talking with a customer today, and she was telling me that she was on her way to work. She said she was a live in residential manager or something, but basically she takes care of an old guy. She was telling me she works third shift hours, so she gets paid to sleep.
That's when I told her she's literally got her dream job. *ba dun tss*
An old man was accounting manager in a company.
Every day when he was coming to office, at his desk, he was opening the drawer, seeing something in it very carefully, then he was closing the drawer back.
After twenty years of work at the same position, one day he died.
After his f**..., his colleagues came to his office to check out what was in his drawer, they opened the drawer, in a piece of paper very bold it was written "Debit Left, Credit Right"
A m**... man married a second wife..
A m**... man married a second wife but after several months he could not bear all the expenses from the 2 wives so he decided to divorce one of them.
He called both of his wives and gave them $70 each and told them that he will leave for a week. And when he comes back he will see which one is better with money management.
After a week he came back. He found the old wife still have $10 left but the new wife has borrowed an extra $50.
So, he divorced the old one because she can take care of her self.
Dress Code
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception
He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager
"I want another room" said the drunk
"But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel."
"I don't care. I want another room"
"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?"
"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"
Beware Dangerous Dog!
On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?
Yep, that's him, he replied.
The stranger could not help but be amused. That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?
Because, the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."
The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him.
After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"...
A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar...
A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in, just don't start anything."
Every Hotel Room Was Taken
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Three fruits discuss marriage.
Doug the Banana is chatting with his buddies about his upcoming wedding. Doug says, "Yeah you know, the wedding planning has been a huge hassle. Everything's expensive, everyone's telling us what we should do, and we're worried about offending people we don't invite. There are so many little things to take care of and its taking a toll. Marsha and I have actually considered eloping, if you can believe that. It would make things so much easier."
Fred the Grape pipes in and says, "Yeah its funny you mention that. Darla and I have actually thought about eloping. Her mother is crazy and don't want her meddling with the wedding. The family issues are just a lot to manage and its really taking away from the magic of it all. It would just be a lot simpler to get away on our own."
Finally, Doug and Fred turn to Bob, a Melon, and ask him, "What about you Bob? Will you and Sandra ever elope?" And Bob says, "I can't."
Three men die and go to heaven
St. Peter welcomes them at the Pearly Gates and tells them they are all allowed to enter but there is one rule they must not break, under no circumstances can of them step on a duck. As they walk in, they realize there are ducks everywhere. The first guy makes it about an hour but then accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter has him handcuffed to the ugliest woman the man has ever seen. Determined not to make the same mistake, the next two men are careful, but it isn't long before one of them steps on a duck and is handcuffed to a hideous woman. The third man spends the next 3 months treading carefully and manages to avoid all ducks, until one day St. Peter comes and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. The man says, "what have i done to deserve such a thing?" The woman answers, "I don't know about you, but i stepped on a duck.
Early, but here's one for the Holidays.
The Annual Chess-Lovers Convention was in full swing. This year, the highly-anticipated event was hosted by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Expert players and avid enthusiasts gathered from all around the world for the occasion.
The afternoon of the first day, a heated debate broke out in the main atrium of the hotel. Two very experienced players started pompously arguing over whose opening strategies were better. As the argument progressed, more people joined in to voice their opinions. The atrium erupted in quite a disruption! Security guards intervened to break it up at the Hotel Manager's direction. He demanded the lot be forcibly removed from the hotel!
"Mr. Manager," one of the security guards spoke up. "You don't think that's overreacting a bit? It was just an argument. No one was hurt or anything."
"I don't care!" the manager declared. "I can't stand Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer!"
Reasons to allow drinking at work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Tickle me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York.
A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"
Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim " at Yale."
"That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."