Manage Jokes

Following is our collection of organise humor and compulsion one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Manage puns for adults, dirty operate jokes or clean management lesson gags for kids.

There is an abundance of oversee jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 67 funniest jokes on manage. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any simple witze you can hear about manage.

The Best jokes about Manage

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?

He's force fed.

As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"


I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream while masturbating?"

'2' managed to be prime,

Against all the odds.


Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"

Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."

A 75 year old rich man marries a 20-yo beautiful woman...

And a friend of his comes to ask how did he manage to pull that off.

"I told her I was 90".

One of the joys of parenthood is snuggling into your child's bed with them when there's a thunderstorm to make sure they aren't frightened...

Although my daughter has started hinting that she and her husband can manage perfectly well on their own.

A teenager lost a contact lens while playing in the driveway...

After a fruitless search, he went inside the house and told his mother he lost a lens and, try as he might, could not find it.

Undaunted, the mother went outside and in only a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".

Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

I went to a voodoo prostitute last night

Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...


Man visits a dentist with broken teeth

Dentist.:- how did you manage to break these three teeth. .?

Man:- my wife bakeda bread that was too hard.

Dentist.:- you could have refused to eat it

Man:- that's exactly how this happened...

My wife told me

That women are better in multitasking than men.

I told her to shut up and make me a breakfast.

Obviously she didn't manage.

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.

I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.

\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?

\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?

\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.

I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff

Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus

EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said 'Christ man, how did you manage that?!'

The man replied 'Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can't believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!'

The doctor thought for a moment and said 'that explains one ear, but how did you burn the other one?'

The man replied 'Well, I burned that one trying to call an ambulance!'

There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke?

They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter


Me: Dad, How did you guys manage without Whatsapp & Facebook?

My Dad:Β We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms.

It didn't do so well, people kept telling me Concentration Camp was a bad name.

So a blonde died and went to Heaven.

God was at the gate and said to her, "Before entering, you will see 10 angels, and each one of them will tell you a joke. If you manage to not laugh at all, you may enter."

The blonde walked up to the first angel, listened to the joke and did not laugh.

She then went to the second and again did not laugh.

This happened every time and she finally reached to the last angel.

When the last angel was at the middle of the joke, the blonde started laughing REALLY HARD.

The angel then asked, "Woah, is my joke really that funny?"

The Blonde, laughing non-stop, said, "No... I JUST GOT THE FIRST JOKE!"

Edgy jokes are like my life

Sad and depressing but people still manage to laugh at it.

So only 7 people survived the shipwreck

6 men and a woman ended up on a isolated island after surviving the shipwreck. Soon an agreement was made: each day of the week she'd have sex with one of the men.
Everything was going great, they were getting along, everybody was as happy as possible.
One day the woman dies.
After the first week things get a little strange, but they just hold on.
The second week goes by, bit they manage to keep things under control. After the third week one of them finally says:
- Well, that's it. I can't handle it anymore. There's nothing else to do. We're gonna have to bury her corpse...

Bill, Bonnie, and Ted

So Bill, Bonnie, and Ted are stuck on a deserted tropical island. And I mean completely deserted. After a week they haven't seen any other inhabitants, they've seen no boats, planes, anything.
Over the next couple of weeks they manage to find and gather some food, create a shelter, and generally start living a pretty decent life. They have food in abundance, and their shelter protects them from occasional rains. A few weeks go by and once the stress of washing up on an island ebbs away, they start having urges. So they start having sex. They're only human, they all have needs. Luckily enough Bonnie never gets pregnant, so they've basically got the perfect setup.
This goes on for a number of months, and all of a sudden Bonnie dies from a mysterious illness. Bill and Ted are crushed, they feel like their having sex with Bonnie caused her to develop this sickness and die. They're deep in mourning but, eventually, time does heal all wounds, and after a few weeks, they start having urges again. And hey, there's no one around to judge them, so Bill and Ted continue having sex. This continues for a couple of weeks, and then one morning Bill and Ted wake up with this weird feeling... Like what they're doing is wrong, like it's against God's will, it's not what he would have wanted...
So they decide to bury Bonnie

An old man was asked What's your secret that, even after 60 years of marriage, you still manage to call your wife my love, honey, sweetheart?

He said Well, I've forgotten her name long ago and I'm embarrassed to ask

Two panhandlers meet after a long time and talk about their last year income

Guy 1: How did it go last year?
Guy 2: Pretty decent, I was able to purchase a two bedroom apartment, a Ferrari and furnish my house.
Guy 1: Whaaaaaat? How did you manage to do that, I have been on the streets 24x7 and have hardly managed to pay rent and look after my family?
Guy 2: What does your sign say?
Guy 1: No work, wife and 2 kids to support. What does your sign say?
Guy 2: Need a few bucks to go back to my country.

At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas.

I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.

Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

You must be in management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded "You must be in management".
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fuc#ing fault

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage that?"


"Twelve trips."

A manager has two great employees...

A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.

Jack walks in and says "I guess you decided to let her go?"

Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says "I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off.'"

A Well-Planned Life?

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
She answered:
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."

A new girlfriend asked me "How did you manage to stay single for so long?"

Single Handedly

How did the farmer manage to shave 100 sheep in one hour?

Shear effort

Managed to sell a toaster with Norton Antivirus today

Told the customer it would guard against popups

Management told me in a meeting today that my language is too "insensitive"

How retarded is that?

so many poor jokes, where to begin?

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead, all heavily pregnant, are waiting for a scan; the brunette says 'I was on top, so I'm going to have a bay', the redhead responds with 'I was on the bottom, so I'm going to have a girl', at which point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two manage to calm her down, and ask what is wrong? 'I'm going to have puppies!'

A new manager was hired....

The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes.
The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and ordered him to get into the manager's office.

"What is your name?" Asked the manager.
"Steven," he replied.
"And how much do you make in a week?"
"I make about 400 dollars."
the manager pulls out 400 and hands it to him.
"Here's this week's pay, now get out of here and never let me see you again!"
Steven then gets up and goes away.
Realizing he needs a replacement, the manager then walks up to a random worker and asks him: "that guy, Steve, who just left, what does he do around here?"

"Oh Steve?" Replied the worker, "that's the pizza delivery man!"

What fitness plan did Jesus manage to stick to?

Crossfit

3 men, 40, 50 and 60 talking about their sex lives...

the 40yr old says " when my wife and I got together we couldn't keep our hands off each other, now it's only on the weekends."
the 50 yr old say " you're lucky! when we got together it was twice a day, now it's only on special occasions."
they look to the 60yr old, who says " you boys are doing it wrong, 'cuz I get it every night!"
" how do you manage that?"
" I told my wife my heart was too weak for sex....."

Little Johnny at the Farm

Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.

Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.

Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.

Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?

Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

A kindly old man is walking by the seaside when he sees three lovely young ladies crying their eyes out.

So he says, "Dear me, you poor things, so miserable on such a lovely day as this! Come and have a cup of tea and let's see if we can't make you feel better."

Won over by his twinkly-eyed charm, the three young ladies manage to dry their eyes and they follow him to a chintzy little seaside cafe where he orders a slice of Victoria sponge cake all round and a pot of tea for four.

When the tea and cake arrives, he smiles sweetly and says, "Now, who's going to be mother?"

And all three young ladies burst into tears again.

Manager at work told me this one the other day. This is for all my fellow engineers!

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.

Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.

"Oh, that's easy." Replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

What happens when you put an elephant in the refrigerator?

Answer:It becomes cold duh!

What happens you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

What people say:It becomes cold?

Correct Answer: You can't put it there, the elephant is already in there.


The Lion is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

A man and a woman are sleeping in the same carriage...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies.

"Get your own blanket."

Never trust a "Bernie" to manage your finances...

The last one I knew Madoff with all my money.

Dirty joke!! -being a perv is what I do-

So a woman and her boyfriend are driving through the countryside when their car breaks down. They manage to move it to the side of the road, but not much further. For an hour or two, they wait for someone to drive by and help them, but after a while they become bored and get it on.
However, at one point, their car starts to shake so much ( ;-] ) that it rolls over.
The woman can get out, but her husband is trapped.
"Go get help!" He says.
"But I'm not covered!" She replies.
The man reaches for a shoe within his reach."Here. Cover your bottom half with my shoe."
So she takes it and runs, eventually coming across a bus station.
She runs up to a bus driver, clothing the shoe over her private area.
"You've got to help me! My husband is stuck!" The bus driver looks her over, and laughs lightly.
"Sorry, lady. I think he's already too far in."

I couldn't manage to get my dying friend's blood type...

all he could say was "be positive."

Ice Cream Truck

My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be sexually active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate at a low steady pace. Confused, we asked how did he die then? Grandma said, well unfortunately, an ice cream truck came along.

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office...

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar

The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"

I managed to lose 245lbs of unsightly flesh...

Divorced the wife.

Joke from a 1920s Australian Newspaper

**Diplomacy**

Uncle to nephew playing a game of War with a companion: "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour, I'll give you a sixpence."

Youngster (a minute later): "Uncle, sixpence please, the fortress is taken."

Uncle: "How did you manage it so quickly?"

Youngster: "I offered the besieged threepence and he gave in."

Source: The Narracoote Herald, Friday 13, February 1920

I managed to get a butler who works for free

I normally have really rotten luck, but I managed to get a butler who works for free. However, when I saw him, I realised he has lost his left arm;


Serves me right...

A manager hired a new secretary and she was young, sweet and polite…

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary replied, Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!

When I manage a troupe of Eastern European acrobats...

they're going to be called "Czechs and Balances", it's the only logical choice.

I just got told I was the Worlds Most Pessimistic Person

I doubt I'll manage to win that title.

No matter how far you manage to throw a piece of paper

It is still stationery.

Although he did terrible things, Hitler

did manage to kill Hitler

USA is so lucky.

Wherever they start fighting terrorism, they manage to find oil reserves.

I managed to hit 18 holes today...

And I still have time for golf.

Gameshow idea

11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house. The object for the gay men is to find out who isn't gay. Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left or the straight man is out. If the gays manage to outvote him, they win 1 million dollars. If the straight man is among the last 2 people in the house in the end, he wins 1 million dollars.

Now here's the twist: None of the men are actually gay, they just think they are the one straight man.

A cruise magician...

... Had a parrot who spoiled every trick. You know, like, "That box has a hidden floor".

One day during the performance, the cruise ship exploded, but the magician and the parrot saved themselves on a piece of debris.

They floated along in silence for three days, when the parrot quips "Okay, I give up. How did you manage to make the ship disappear?".

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

Crows in Boston are dying

The city of Boston has a problem with crows. They are dying by the thousands and the roadways are littered with the carcasses. The problem is only getting worse. Massachusetts' Dept. of Environmental Protection just completed a study of the problem. The crows are being killed when they are struck by trucks, but they manage to avoid being hit by passenger cars. Since crows are scavengers they eat roadkill and are often in large groups on the roads. Being social animals, they are somewhat organized and one or two birds always serve as lookouts to warn the others of danger. The MDEP found that the problem is that although all the Bostonian crows can call out "cah!" none of them can call out "truck!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes