Mana Jokes

There was an employment advertisement in an office.

So a guy went there.
Managrer asked him: "Do you know what is the meaning of Ph.D.?"
The guy answered: "Passed High school with Difficulties."

The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.

Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.

When the office printer color started to look a little off the manager called the local repair shop.

To the manager's surprise, the clerk said that it would cost $50 but that he might try reading the manual and doing it himself.
The manager replied in astonishment, does your boss know that you discourage business that way?
"Yes", replied the clerk.
It was his idea.
We make more on repairs than cleaning printers if the owner tries to do it himself first.

What did the manager of a log cutting company tell his employees when they were working too slow?

Chop chop.

When I manage a troupe of Eastern European acrobats...

they're going to be called "Czechs and Balances", it's the only logical choice.

Why do managers like pizza?

It comes out of the box

I managed to lose 245lbs of unsightly flesh...

Divorced the wife.

Manager gets fabulously rekt.

My manager at the millinery has a really short temper

I mean he gets really angry at the drop of a hat!

I managed to put a square peg in a round hole

But I had to cut corners

If you managed to figure out the code to someone else's luggage...

Could you say you solved the case?

What did the management consultant think of his job?

It was the Bain of his existence.

Managed to sell a toaster with Norton Antivirus today

Told the customer it would guard against popups

The manager of my power drill company was doing so well I promoted him to head of the cement mixer division.

One good turn deserves another.

Manatees come in all sorts of shades and hues

Oh the hue manatee

What did the manager of the frankenstein museum say?

I'VE CURATED A MONSTER!

I managed to hit 18 holes today...

And I still have time for golf.

Manatees

A Spanish sailor and a French sailor are talking at a port bar together. The French sailor tells the Spanish sailor that he's been hearing stories of mermaids from the English sailors. The Spanish sailor says that mermaids are just a myth and the English just mistook manatees for mermaids. The French sailor asks how could you mistake a manatee for a mermaid? The Spanish sailor responds "Have you seen English women?"

I have never managed to find a happy medium

All the one's I've ever met have a haunted look to them.

What did the manager say to the comedian who was messing around?

Hey, no more funny business!

PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar

The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"

The manager saw me eating candy at the candy store

They fired her on the spot

Manager gets caught stealing from his pizza job.

Upper management says, they caught him stealing "dough".

What did the manager tell his former employer after being fired?

I'll manage.

I managed to fool someone into having a brain transplant.

This body fits quite nicely.

I managed to read a 1000 page long book from cover to cover.

The dictionary.

I couldn't manage to get my dying friend's blood type...

all he could say was "be positive."

Managed to beat insomnia with my new diet. I'm falling asleep counting calories.

I managed to finally measure my closet.

Which is a feet in its shelves.

My manager asked me if I had prepared my report on how to cut costs at our cookie factory...

Thinking quickly, I told him that we could save money by not fully cooking all our cookies.
It was a half-baked idea, but it turned out to save us a lot of dough.

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise, so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, "To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"
"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.
"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

What happens when you manage a waffle house too long?

You get eggotistical

I managed to survive a 1v5

The guy had no chance with the 5 of us

Two managers negotiated to swap their players for a trade.

Cleveland Cavaliers agreed to trade JR Smith for keeping the ball to Liverpool FC for Loris Karius for passing the ball.

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

I managed to get hit by a baseball even though there was no field in sight

It really came out of left field

The manager of my local Walmart brought me to court today

He won by a long shot, I'm not that great at basketball, but Ive challenged him to a rematch in Smash wish me luck!

'2' managed to be prime,

Against all the odds.

My manager thinks I don't work as much...

It might be because I'm "slacking" a lot....

What did the manager say to the dinosaur when firing him?

You're pterano-done

I've managed to spend 50 days without drugs and alcohol!!

No need to congratulate me, because it's not 50 days in a row.

The manager for Chelsea FC swapped their defender for another one. The opponent scored 2 goals back to back straight after.

"Oops, wrong sub.", said the manager.

I am a manager in a multi billion dollar company what are you doing at 20

I manage my local Mc Donald's

I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

I have always managed to be the tallest person on my block.

But it has meant moving to smaller and smaller blocks a number of times.

What did the manager of the Chinese night club say when the room was too bright?

Can we dim sum of the lights?

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

I managed to get a butler who works for free

I normally have really rotten luck, but I managed to get a butler who works for free. However, when I saw him, I realised he has lost his left arm;
Serves me right...

I managed to get my two girlfriends pregnant, so I offered to marry them both

Which was really big of me.

A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

*"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*

I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share!

It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?

What did the manager at the radio telescope facility tell the maintenance guy?

Don't forget to do the dishes.

Managed to drop one of the classics today.

Wife and Daughter are sat watching something while I'm doing the Tesco shop on my phone. - Strawberry jam is on the list, I seize my moment
Y'know what i say
- now I think about it…. I like strawberry jam… and I like blackberry jam … but I don't like lemon preserve

That just a curd to me
Priceless!!!

How many managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just wait for it to burn out and ask you why it's down

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

Top managers are like leaf blowers.

They make a lot of air and noise moving a problem to another place. It stinks.