Man U Jokes
59 man u jokes and hilarious man u puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about man u that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Man U Short Jokes
Short man u jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The man u humour may include short manchester united jokes also.
- Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z Groom: Why did you say that?
Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife' - A 70 year old man asked his wife: "do you feel sad when u see me running after the young girls?" wife replied : no, not at all. every dogs chase cars they can't drive
- Man Meets friend and notices Man Meets Friend & Notices He's wearing lipstick. When Did U Start Wearing Lipstick? Friend- Ever Since My Wife Found It In My Car.
- A golden joke... Did you hear about the man who robbed the bank? He went up to the cashier and demanded all the gold. When the thief ran away, the cashier yelled, "A u!"
- Joke and won funny lady, does Cha Cha slide
how u likeing? she ask man
super nice he says
girl does ripper
MMMMMM man says
men in black comes on to Cha Cha slide - A man walks into a bar and orders some tea The bar tender says "Good thing because we don't have any S or U, but we sure have some good T!"
- What would u call a deaf man with a red hair and grey mustache.? U could call him anything... He wouldn't hear it...
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Man U One Liners
Which man u one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with man u? I can suggest the ones about man language and man city.
- How does one question the sanity of the fastest man alive? U Sain Bolt?
- A paralyzed man calls U-Haul... "Hey can you help me move?"
- Knock Knock "Whose there?"
"manu"
"manu who?"
"Man U keep forgetting I'm you friend" - What college did the garbage man go to? P U
- The man asked, "What's the first letter of your name, Urien? is it Y?" "No u"
- What do u say to a man stuck in a tub of margarine I Can't Belive Its Not Butter
- What do u call a man without logic Wo Man
- What did the Soviet man have to say about the n**...? U SS R the worst
- [Stupid] Why was the medieval man such an a-hole on the plane ride? Because U-KNIGHTED AIRLINES
Rib-Tickling Man U Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about man u you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mankind jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make man u pranks.
A blonde is driving down the road and she sees a dead rabbit.
She stops the car and called out, "Does anybody got any hairspray!?"
A man pulls up and gives her a bottle of spray and she sprays it on the dead rabbit and the man stares and says "Why u doing that?"
The blonde says "Hairspray is for dead hairs"
A girl married with a man who had only one foot.
Next day her mother rang her and asked: "My little tell me how did U feel the marriage?"
Her daughter replied: "Woo real splendid; alas he has only one foot!"
Her mom answered: "You must be too lucky, when I married your dad; he had only one inch!"
A man married an illiterate wife.
After two years of marriage, they gave birth to a son called EFe.
One day his mother asked him to read is multiplication table and he started immediately but when he reached 4multiply by 4 he mistakingly said 8 they mother angrily slapped him and told him the answer wasn't 8 but 44.
The boy cried and reported what happened to the father, the father took him back and angrily told the wife to tell him the correct answer and the woman hurriedly say 4mutiply by 4 is it not 44.
The man now calmed down and sai d u are Lucky that you got the answer if not I would have disgraced you here.
I hope they are all brilliant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[man] Excuse me, would you like to dance? [women] NO! [man] Maybe u didn't hear me.
... I said u look really fat in those pants!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man & wife go to the Zoo.
In front of Gorilla cage
Man says :Excite him like u do to me!
Wife removes her top,Gorilla goes crazy.
Man:Tease him more,like u tease me
wife removed her jeans and gorilla goes wilder..
man opened d cage and pushed his wife in and says: NOW EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT U HAVE A HEADACHE AND U R NOT IN THE MOOD.
Crossword Puzzle Pope
A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.
I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.
The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.
The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything, your Eminence ... What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
So a man gets on a plane...
...he finds his seat and realizes he's sitting none other than the pope. The man is Catholic and greets the pope with:
"His Holiness".
The pope welcomes him and then goes back to his crossword. The man is nervous, worrying about doing something to offend the leader of his religion. About halfway through the flight the pope leans over and asks:
"would you happen to know a 4 letter word for a girl that ends in U-N-T?"
The man almost loses it. Of course the c word jumps to the front of his mind. He pauses, turning white while searching his mind for a better word. In a flash it comes to him:
"AUNT!!!" he exclaims.
The pope responds:
"Of course! Would you happen to have an eraser?"
An American soldier, English soldier, and Chinese soldier and standing together on top of their respective submarines...
The English soldier says, "The English have phenomenal subs. We can stay under for a week without coming up!"
The Chinese soldier quickly replies, "A week! Our subs can stay under for a month, easy."
The American lets out a chuckle and says, "With our nuclear power subs, we can remain underwater for over three months!"
All of a sudden, a U-boat rises from the water and a man comes out. He asks, "Did we win the war?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pig
"That's the best pig I've ever had. My son fell into the river and the pig dived in and dragged him out by his teeth saving his life." "I see", says the man. " But that doesn't explain why the pig has only three legs." The farmer replies, "the other night there was a fire in the farm house, that pig ran over two miles to the fire station and brought back help, saved my house did that pig." "That still doesn't explain why the pig is missing a leg", said the man. "Well", said the farmer "if u had a pig that was so brilliant would you eat it all at once?"
my dog is a christian
* Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature? Pastor replied, No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road, maybe they will do it. The man said, Do you think they will accept a donation of U.S $250,000 for the burial service? Pastor exclaimed, Sweet Jesus! Why didn't u tell me the dog was a Christian?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
na today be today
*An American, an English man, and a Nigerian were on a ship. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, Drop anything in the sea, if I find it I will eat u, If I can't, I will be your s**...! The American dropped a pin, the Devil found it and ate him. The English man dropped a coin, the Devil found it and ate him too. The Nigerian opened a bottle of water, poured it in the sea and said, Na today be today, go find am! .
Three strings walk into a bar...
and want to order a couple of beers. The first string goes up to the bartender and asks"Hey, 3 beers for my friends and I please.". The bartender replied"I don't serve your kind here.". The string goes back to the table and says"Sorry guys, he doesn't serve our kind..". Eager to get beers for him and his buddies, the second string goes up to the bartender and asks"Hey, can you get me 3 beers for my friends." He yet again replied with " Look buddy I told yer friend I don't serve your kind here!". The string comes back angry. "Still wont serve us.". The final string, fed up with being denied drinks, ties himself into a knot, and frayed the top of his head and says "watch this, I will get us beers." and walks up and says to the bartender"Hey man, can you get me three beers." The bartender says "Oh, sure coming right u- wait WAIT A MINUTE. I thought I told your buddies I DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND!". The string replies with"I'm a frayed knot."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are My t**... Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my t**... black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my t**...
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his t**... in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'
Driving a brand new Bugatti
A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...
Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"
A man and wife are in bed, when...
...when the man slides his hand slowly across her shoulders, across her waist, under her neck, under her back, & suddenly stops...
Wife: " ( In a romantic voice) Why did u stop?"
Man: "(Whispering) I found the remote. You can go back to sleep"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Isis and the Christian man
An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together
and discussing surgeries they had performed..
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;
I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident;
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a man was high on c**... and m**...
and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the Horse's a**....
I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"
A guy on a train is sitting next to a nun who is doing a crossword puzzle.
The nun is stuck on a clue that doesn't fit with some other answers that she's already written down. She asks the man for help.
"Let's backtrack, and double check that your other answers are right. That usually helps me," he says.
"Good idea," the nun says. "How about this one: A four-letter word, ending in 'U-N-T,' and the clue is 'Something you would call a woman.'"
"Aunt?" The man says.
"Oh, right..." the nun says. "Say, do you have an eraser?"
I Am Using Your Wife.
A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man was lying n**...
Man was lying n**... on the beach. A s**... babe starts playing
TABLA
on his butts.
Man: 'what r u doing ?'
Girl 'Playing TABLA '
Man turns other side & said,' can u play the flute '
Farmers cows are out
A hefty woman at the bar approaches a man and asks, can i get your number?
The man replies, sure do u have a pen?
She responds, yeah here ya go.
He concludes, alright well you better tell the farmer to put you back in it and lock it.
A man calls the IRS office
"Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you've written it as cyirwu."
"I'm sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?"
"Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump, Putin and Merkel meet on a ship in the Nordsea to discuss which U-boats to use for the NATO.
Trump, Putin and Merkel meet on a ship in the Nordsea to discuss which U-boats to use for the NATO.
Trump: "American U-boats are the best boats in the world, they can stay under water for a year!".
Putin: "Ha, If you Americans had better spice you would know that soviet boats are the best boats in the world!"
They both look at Merkel, waiting for what she would say, but before she has time to come up with something a U-boat emerges from the sea and a man in a black uniform emerges and screams: "HEIL h**..., WE NEED MORE DIESEL!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats so funny on that?
A man sits at his doctor's office after getting a check up and getting bad news:
Doctor: "I'm very sorry but you will die very soon"
Man: "Oh no! How long do i have?"
Doctor: "Very soon, i guess in 3 to 6 minutes"
Man: "Oh God! Is there nothing u can do for me?"
Doctor: "Well..., I could boil you an egg..."
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in 'u-n-t' that refers to a woman?
Oh my god! the man thought. I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word. The gentleman thinks for quite a while, then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, I think the word you're looking for is 'Aunt'.
Oh, of course! the Pope exclaims. Do you have an eraser?
A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?
He replied: 3,700
You are really mad, the doctor said.
The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.
You are not far from death, the doctor said.
The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.
BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?
The doctor asked.
He replied, "I divided 3,700 by Wednesday. "
The doctor collapsed.
A man goes to the doctor as he has a problem speaking.
He says, Doctor, I'm having a problem where I can't speak this specific letter. It's getting really irritating!
The doctor, using his quick thinking, says, Alright, repeat all the letters in the alphabet for me.
The man rattles of the first twenty, but then clams up, face full of frustration and resignation.
Ah, the doctor says. It seems like it's a u problem.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't stop until you get what you want.
Man in bed with his wife..Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders..Across her waist..under her neck..below her neck..Under her back ..& suddenly stops... Wife: (In a romantic voice) Why did you stop??? Man:
got the remote..U go back to sleep...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin
A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they speak Hebrew in heaven so I am learning the language now
To this the agent replied "Ha if u go to h**...? Then what?"
The old man replied "I am already fluent in Russian"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once a man met the great chessmaster Gary Kasparov on a plane seat beside him
The grandmaster says "would u like to play a game of chess for a $100 per game?" The man replies "I know who you are mate I would never be able to beat you". Gary thinks a bit and says "I will play with my left hand" the man accepts.
Afterwards when he recites his story to his wife he says "I lost 1800 dollars to that man he is such a great player even with his left hand".
The wife says, "YOU FOOL!!"
"He was a lefty and u didn't realise it"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man asks for v**... in a club(true story)
So I work at a nightclub and a guy approaches me and asks how much does a bottle of v**... cost, I replied with 80 euros.
The man then said "can I buy half a bottle for 40 euros" .
Me : no sir, but I can give it to you for free if you'd like.
Man : oh really! Are u joking!
Me : Yes, but you started it.
*That joke almost got me fired... but it was worth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building
So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.
The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.
The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man made an i**... U-turn at a red light when taking his son to school. He said, Oh no! I have made an i**... U-turn!
The son replied, It's ok, dad. The police car behind us did the same thing!
A old man passes away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness
His wife calls the county to come pick up his body.
The county operator answers "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"
"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that for me?"
"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no, no that's not right...Tell you what, I'll just drag him over to Oak Street and you can pick him up there."
