Man Language Jokes
45 man language jokes and hilarious man language puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about man language that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Man Language Short Jokes
Short man language jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The man language humour may include short man speech jokes also.
- A Chinese man, who was less than proficient in the English language files for divorce. The judge asks what is the reason? He replies " me no come, she no come, but baby come, how come?".
- TIL the word Manhattan means island of many hills in the language of the original inhabitants and the hills were leveled as the city evolved. I guess you could say it was man-flattened.
- Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled to dozens of countries and learned to speak several languages? He was a man of many cultures.
- Learning English So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace. - A deaf woman and a blind man are sitting on the subway The deaf woman says to the guy: *sign language*
And the blind man says: - A man is at a job interview The interviewer goes over his cv and says: "I see that you speak 14 languages, including Esperanto?"
"Yeah", the man says, "I used to live there for a while." - Oh What did the Frenchman say to the Spanish man?
How am i supposed to know i dont speak either of the languages. - I once met a man who could make great puns in 10 languages. I called him a cunning linguist.
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Ridiculous Man Language Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about man language you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make man language pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
I try to tell this joke in english :]
There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob to the rope and bite's it! He trained hard to hold himself on the rope with his teeth. Lumpi is very hungry and starts to pull himself up only with his teeth. Lumpi pulls and pulls, he's on the 1st floor, the window opens and a young Lady smiles at him, Lumpi smiles back, then pulls again...and again, 2nd floor the window opens and an old man sees him and waves at him, Lumpi shakes his head to greet back, then he start's to pull himself up again. Lumpi, all sweaty and hungry now on the the 3rd floor, near his own window on the 4th floor. The window on the 3rd floor opens and a Lady sees him, then she says "Hi Lumpi! What are you going to eat now?" and Lumpi replies " Pizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!...."
Sry for my bad english, I just tried to tell a joke in english that I know in my own language. :)
A Parrot with an attitude
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A Chinese man with the unfortunate name "Shan Yu"
To escape the ridicule of his peers, this man moved to the United States and found a job in an office that simplified scholarly articles on FOL (first order logic) so that the average Joe could read them.
It turned out this was Shan Yu's dream job; no one else could handle the language in the FOL files like he could. In his off hours he would practice hiding his accent, and "FOL" was his word of choice.
After years of practice, Shan Yu's accent was rock solid in all but the most emotional scenarios, and even then was only a bit shaky.
One day, Shan Yu heard his supervisor explaining to a client that the papers his company managed were beginning to become far too erudite for the average reader to grasp. In casual terms, these were the FOL-est papers he'd ever seen. Upon hearing this, Shan Yu slammed open the door and proclaimed: "Only Yu can prevent FORest fires!"
Two british men are sitting at a bus stop...
When a man, clearly not from their town, comes up towards them.
"Parlez-vous Français?" The man asks the two Brits.
Confused, they stare blankly at the foreigner.
"Hablan ustedes Español?" The man tries again - still no reaction from the two men.
Frustrated, the foreigner tries one more time.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
but the two men at the bus stop still have no clue what he's saying, and the foreigner storms off in a huff.
A couple seconds later, one of the men sitting on the bench turns to the other and says, "We should probably learn a language."
The other man turns to him and says, "Why? He knew three, and it didn't do him any good!"
The foreign tourist
Hank and Frank are walking down the street. A flustered-looking guy comes up to them and asks,
"Parlez-vous français?" (Do you speak French?)
They stare at him. He tries again,
"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" (Do you speak German?)
They shrug.
"Hablas español?" (Do you speak Spanish?)
Nope.
"Parli italiano?" (Do you speak Italian?)
They shrug again, the man gives up and leaves.
Hank says, "maybe we should learn a foreign language."
Frank notes, "that guy knew 4 and look what good it did him."
The Indian That Never Forgets
Once a man was traveling through the west on vacation, when he saw a sign that said, "Meet the Indian Who Never Forgets, Next Exit". Well, being curious, the man stops at the attraction to see the Indian. He asks the man, "What did you have for breakfast on June 9, 1978?" The Indian replies "Eggs!"
Well, everyone has eggs for breakfast, this guy is a charlatan, the man thinks.
The man tells his friend about the experience, and his friend replies "That's disrespectful, you should greet an indian in their native language. Next time instead of "Hi" say "How".
10 years later, the same man is on vacation again, and sees the sign for the Indian again. He thinks what the heck, I'll stop in and see him.
Remembering his friend's advice, when the man approaches the Indian, he holds up his hand and says, "How!"
The Indian replies, "Scrambled."
A woman was riding the bus with her kid
*[Translated from a foreign language. Hope it works.]*
A woman was riding a bus along with her young, hyper-active son, trying hard to get him to eat some breakfast.
"Eat your eggs Johnny, or I'm going to give it to the man in the back". The kid, not interested, continued playing around.
A few minutes later, the woman tried again, "eat your bacon Johnny, or I'm going to give it to the man in the back". The kid was now fascinated by something outside the window and continued ignoring his mother.
A while later, the woman, now very frustrated, cried out, "Johnny, eat your pancakes or I'm going to give it to the man in the back."
Suddenly an exasperated voice called out from the back of the bus, "ma'am, please make your decision, I've missed four stops already".
A deaf couple are on a road trip
My deaf professor told me this joke (in sign language) in college:
A deaf couple are on a road trip. The wife signs to the husband that she is tired, and they should look for a motel for the night. The husband pulls over into the next motel, and they reserve a room.
In the middle of the night, the husband wakes up with a splitting headache. He signs to his wife his wife if they have any ibuprofen. The wife groggily replies to check the glove compartment in the car.
The man, half asleep, gets out of bed, walks out to the car, and finds the pills in the glove compartment.
He gets out of the car to make his way back to the room, but immediately forgets which room is his. So he gets back into the car and SLAMS on the horn and holds it.
Little by little, every room in the motel turns on their light. All but one. That's his room!
Two nuns sare coming back from the market late at night
- "Sister Andrea, it's already dark and we are still quite fare from the covent"
- "Yes Sister Dulce and did you notice that a man is following us??"
- "Yes! and what do you think he wants ?"
- "logical, rapes us... what should we do??"
- "logical: we split way, you on the left me on the right"
The man starts following Sister Dulce. Sister Andrea arrives to the Covent, and is worried because Sister Dulce is not arrived yet. After 1 hour here she comes.
- "What happened??"
- "Well I started running and obviously as did the man"
- "and??"
- "Logical: he reached me.."
- "Oh dear god! And what did you do??"
- "Logical: I lifted my dress up"
- "And what did he do??"
- "Logical: He dropped his pants"
- "god.... and??"
- "Logical no? A nun with her dressed up runs faster than a man with his pants down"
ps: Sorry my english is not my first language :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman decides to call her friend in a foreign language while waiting in line at a grocery store.
When she finishes, a racist American man gets annoyed.
The man says, "You have to speak English in God's forsaken land of America! If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico!"
The woman says, "I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."
An Englishman is walking through a hotel
An Englishman is walking through a hotel in the USA and says to a man, "please hold the lift!"
The man replies, "it's an elevator."
"No, no, no, it's a lift" the Englishman retorts.
"Listen, we invented the elevator in America, therefore, it's an elevator, plain and simple."
"Ah, yes" says the Englishman, "but we invented the language."
Joke I heard while in Hungary
Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.
"Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.
Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Again, the cops merely shrug.
The foreigner continues with the same result with Dutch, Russian, and German. Eventually, he leaves, knowing that there's no hope for him to communicate with the officers.
"I keep telling you we should learn more languages!" says one cop to the other.
"Why?" he responds. "That man knows five, and it didn't get him anywhere."
Sentences
A man is at a bar and says, "did you know that 'I am' is he shortest sentence in the English language?"
The bartender exclaims, "Did you know 'I do' is the longest one?"
(Was in the comics today so I thought I would share.)
Bob and Jim in Paris
Two Americans, Bob and Jim, are on vacation in Paris. They're walking down the street, when a car pulls up, slamming on the brakes. The driver leans out.
"Parlez vous Francais?"
Bob looks at Jim and shrugs.
"Habla Español?"
The two men just stare.
"Parli Italiano?"
No answer. The man throws his hands up and then drives away.
They walk on a bit farther, and then Bob says to Jim, "You know, we should learn another language."
"Why?" Jim asks. "That guy knew three languages and it didn't do him any good!"
Languages
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen? he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais? he tries. The two continue to stare. Parlare Italiano? No response.
Hablan ustedes Espanol? Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says,
Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.
Why? says the other. That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good.
Languages
Q: What do you call a man who speaks 2 languages?
A: Bilingual.
Q: What do you call a man who speaks 3 languages?
A: Trilingual.
Q: What do you call a man who speaks only one language?
A: An Englishman.
Man's best friend
Another roughly translated joke from my native language
A man spends most of his day working, so he teaches his dog a thing or two about communication, so he could check on his wife while he was at work.
So, he sits the dog down, and teaches him, "Woof is for yes, woof woof is for no." The dog nods its head.
The next day, he calls its dog on the phone, and asks it,
"Is my wife home?"
"Woof!"
"Is she in the kitchen?"
"Woof, woof!"
"Is she in the bedroom?"
"Woof!"
"Is she alone?"
"Woof, woof!"
"What is she doing?"
"eh eh eh eh eh"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A neighbor's wife knocks on the door
She says "Your kids can't play with our children any more."
"Why?" the man asks, shocked.
"They keeping on calling the other kids gay, you should watch your language around them!"
The man replies "They couldn't have learned it from me, otherwise they would have been calling them faggots"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is stuck in a traffic jam
A man is struck in a traffic jam
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom.
Otherwise, they are gong to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, and collection donations.
How much is everyone giving, an on average? the driver asks....
The man replied, "Roughly 2 liters"
*Edit 1 : I apologise for any grammatical errors. English is not my 1st language.
*Edit 2 : Wow! Thanks for the upvotes guys! I really appreciate it. Also this is my most upvoted post ever.
The year is 1945...
The Soviet army is pushing closer to Berlin with each day. As they march closer, they start to find the concentration camps. In one of these camps, a Polish man with a limited knowledge of the Russian language is talking to Russian military officers about the camps, with assistance from a translator. As he explains, he reaches a word he doesn't know, and turns to the translator.
"How do you say civilians?"
"Acceptable casualties."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Overheard while standing in line at the grocery store.
A woman was standing in line talking on her cell phone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up he turns to her:
Man: "I didn't want to say anything while you were on the phone but you are in America now. You need to speak English."
Woman: "Excuse me?"
Man: *talks slow-* If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English."
Woman: "Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."
A man walks into a buffet...
He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a napkin and raises it up, and his French friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
A Swedish man was walking through London
A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.
"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"
"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."
"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused about the 'ough' sound. In 'through', it makes an 'oo' sound. In 'plough', it makes an 'ow' sound. And in 'though' it makes an 'oh' sound. I just can't figure it out."
The Englishman just chuckled and said, "Tough."
A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.
Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."
The man, however, did not cooperate.
Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.
"I collect taxes," the other replied.
"Then take my hand," Nasrudin said, upon which the man finally cooperated.
Nasrudin then turned to his friend and remarked, "Tax collectors speak the language of take, not the language of give.
An Irish man and his Canadian friend walk into a bar
The two get quite drunk. The Canadian friend says "hey, in English (Canadian) Canada is called CND, but while repeating the name to an englishman, we spell it out saying -CND, C, eh, N, eh, D, eh". The irish man laughs, so the Friend continues," what is your country's name in its native language." The name is Éire." " Éire, eh," but the friend doesn't catch his mistake. A car explodes outside. The man says to the friend," Tiocfaidh ár lá, comrade!" before leaving while putting on a Balaclava. The friend never sees him again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump decides to visit Mexico to see the progress of his border wall.
While out in the middle of the hot sun he notices a pond of water by a farm. Thirsty, after having drunk all the water he brought with him, he decided to kneel down and take a drink.
An older Mexican man approaches him and says No bebas el agua, las vacas se han cagado en ella. (Translated: Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.)
Donald shouts back: Don't you know who I am. I'm Donald Trump, president of the United States of America. How dare you speak to me in that dirty language. You must speak to me in English and show me the respect I deserve!
The man responds, Use two hands, you'll get more.
[Translated joke from my native language] The medicine man
I rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
What is this? Which person is this rat-a-tat-tatting on my door?
It is I, the medicine man.
Which medicine man are you referring to?
Yes, correctness.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
Don't have a clue
So I usually hear this joke in another language but let's see how it's received in English.
A foreigner is traveling in the city. He asks a guy on a nearby bench "excuse me, what time is it?" The guy shrugs and says "I don't have a clue".
So he asks another guy sitting nearby, "excuse me, do you know what time it is?" To which the other man responds "sorry, don't have a clue either".
So he keeps walking. Eventually, the traveler gets stopped by someone else who asks him, "excuse me, sir, do you happen to have the time?"
To which he responds, "I'm sorry, my clue is broken".
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen where 2 Englishmen are waiting
Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.The two Englishmen just stare at him."Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare."Parlare Italiano?" No response."Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language....""Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"
Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is talking on her phone while waiting in line at the bank.
After she gets off the call, the man behind her taps her on the shoulder and says, "I didn't want to interrupt your call, but next time you need to speak in English"
"Excuse me?" the woman replied.
"This is America," the man said, "We speak English in America. If you wanna speak Spanish, you can go back to Mexico."
"Sir, I was speaking Navajo, which was a language of this country long before you came here," the woman replied, "If you want to speak English, you can go back to England"
A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny:
A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave.
Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave.
The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin
A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they speak Hebrew in heaven so I am learning the language now
To this the agent replied "Ha if u go to h**...? Then what?"
The old man replied "I am already fluent in Russian"
A supposedly true story
One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're speaking Welsh."
I was talking via sign language with a one armed man…
Problem is I was only getting half of what he was saying.
Thought this up yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was showing me what she learned at preschool.
