Man Fasted Jokes
98 man fasted jokes and hilarious man fasted puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about man fasted that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Man Fasted Short Jokes
Short man fasted jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The man fasted humour may include short fasting jokes also.
- Snail gets robbed by a tortoise. Police come and asks the snail can you tell us what happened? Snail says I don't know man it all happened so fast.
- What did the muslim man say as he was driving recklessly and passing other cars at dawn? "Sorry, gotta go fast"
- How to not be racist Be like Mario! He's made by the japanese, he is an italian plumber, looks like a mexican, runs and jumps like a black man and grabs coins as fast as a Jew!
- Man. I know my wife is athletic and seems pretty quick on her feet... but why do all my friends keep calling her a cheetah? She ain't that fast.
- I asked a man in a turban why he wasn't fasting He told me you don't have to fast for ramadan if you are Sikh.
- A cop pulls a guy over for speeding... Cop: Why were you going so fast?
Man: Well my wife ran off with a cop...I thought you were trying to give her back - I was quite flexible and fast when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man. Because my uncle was murdered
- My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!
- What did the Japanese man say as the hiroshima sky was filled with the light of an atomic bomb, in a split second? Wow this blew up fast.
- Interviewer: What's your greatest strength? Man: I can do math really fast
Interviewer: What's 12 × 7
Man: 54
Interviewer: That's not even close
Man: Yes, but it was fast.
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Man Fasted One Liners
Which man fasted one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with man fasted? I can suggest the ones about ramadan fasting and fast food.
- If you spin an Asian man around really really fast... Does he become a disoriental?
- Confucius say, Man who pull out too fast, leaves rubber behind.
- I saw a man hitting on a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one!
- A monk killed a man before going into fasting... It was a premeditated homocide
- What did the man say after going up a set of fast moving stairs? That escalated quickly!
- Why did the holy man eat a meal mid way through fasting He was half-assed.
- I met a Muslim man this Ramadan... We became fast friends.
- Man I ran so fast from the Italian lesbian, but the dichotomy.
- Why did the Rastafarian man fast for a week? He broke his Jah.
- What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his v**... to fast? Stop "Russian"
Hilarious Man Fasted Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about man fasted you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fast jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make man fasted pranks.
Three blondes want to cross the Nile. A Golden Fish offers each of them a wish to come true
The first one wishes to swim fast. She gets to the middle of the river and the crocodiles eat her. The second one wishes to swim faster. When she gets to the middle the crocodiles eat her. The third blonde wishes to become a man. The Gold Fish turns her into a man and she says: -Thank God there's a bridge here.
An old man is on his deathbed...
and his wife is sitting next to him in a chair, holding his hand. He seems to be fading fast, and with a great effort he grasps her hand. "My love, I must confess something..I've cheated on you with dozens...maybe thousands of women..."
She looks at him tearfully, wipes the tears from her eyes and says "shhh now my love..i know..now hush and let the poison work"
a man walks into a bar & orders nine glasses of wine...
the bartender starts to pour them but can't keep up with how fast the man is drinking them! he says "sir, if I may ask, why are you drinking like this?" he replies "you'd be drinking this way if you had what I have." the bartender looking shocked asked "sir, what is it you have??" he replies "a dollar".
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
Two cannibals...
capture a fresh man. They begin eating him. One cannibal starts at the head and the other starts at the feet.
Ten minutes later the one at the head asks the other,"how are you doing?"
The other says, "oh I'm having a ball!"
And the other says "well you eat too fast."
A man gets pulled over on the freeway...
And the cop asks him, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
The man thinks for a bit, then turns to him and says, "Well, seeing that you caught up to me, clearly not fast enough."
Interviewing Arab for US visa
Interviewing an arab for a visa
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: s**...?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, d**..., any style
Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast
Have you heard about Gandhi?
Gandhi walked around a bunch and built up giant callouses on the bottoms of his feet. He fasted a bunch which gave his bones a rather fragile brittle nature. He was a spiritual man, a mystic to many people. And he had a strange diet of green tea and white rice which gave him constant bad breath.
So **tl;dr** Gandhi was a super-calloused, fragile mystic, vexed with halitosis.
A Man Walks Into A Bar.....
He says to the bartender gimme a shot of whiskey. He get's it and downs it. He then says get me a glass of whiskey, he get's that and downs it. Then he asks for a pint of whiskey, the bartender says "Well he won't down this one" the guy downs it. by now he's swaying and staggering, he then asks for two pints of whiskey. The bartender says "Why are you downing all these whiskeys so fast?" the guy replies "Because I've only got 50 pence"
There once was a man who made dead houses.
There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.
Be wary of the chore of painting . . .
A man was looking for a person to paint her porch, so he hired a young lady and told her what to do.
After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said, I'm done.
The man asked, How did you get done so fast?
The lady said, It was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end. And by the way, it's a Ferrarri not a Porsche.
A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."
The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
Honesty Is Not Always the Best Policy (real news)
A Florida man arrested for speeding and DUI admitted to police that prior to getting in his car he'd been drinking beer and watching "The Fast & the Furious." Although, he admitted his favorite movie is "Dumb and Dumber."
A man walks into a bar...
... Approaches the bartender and asks for ten shots of his finest Scotch. The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them, one after the other, in under ten seconds.
The bartender says "My god, I've never seen anyone take so many shots so fast!"
To which the man replies "Bartender, if you had what I have you'd drink fast too."
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
"Four bucks."
The Eagle- an original joke
A man is talking with an eagle.
The man asks, "Eagle, how can you catch your prey so well if you just fly over really fast?"
The eagle responds, "I don't know, I guess I just have a talon for it."
Fast Thinker
Guy's first time parachuting... yada yada c**... fails, reserve fails. He's falling. But he sees a speck coming up toward him, faster than he's falling. He realizes it's a guy and figuring he has nothing to lose, he yells,
"Hey do you know anything about parachutes?"
and as they pass the other guy yells back,
"Sorry man, I don't . Do you know anything about propane BBQs?"
Heisenberg & Schrodinger
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are speeding along in Schrodinger's car, a police man pulls them over and asks the driver, Heisenberg, if he knows how fast he was going, to this Heisenberg replies
"I do not know how fast I was going, because I know exactly where I am"
After this weird answer the policeman decides to search the car, he opens the boot and asks if Schrodinger knows he has a dead cat in his boot, Schrodinger says "Well I do now"
10 shots of whiskey please!
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "No money."
Life of Riley.
A man says to his friend: 'I used to live the life of Riley; fast cars, beautiful women and holidays in the Carribean.'
His friend asks: 'What happened?'
His reply: 'Riley reported his credit card missing.'
They say it's inoperable...
A guy walks into a bar and orders seven shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up the seven shots and the man starts slamming them one after another. The bartender says "You sure are drinking those awfully fast."
The man responds "You'd be drinking them this fast if you had what I have."
In an empathetic tone the bartender asks "What do you have?"
"Fifteen cents"
A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...
He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
A fellow was walking along a country road...
...when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't say anything. So the guy decided to just start walking again.
After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "About 20 minutes".
"Thanks. But why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"Didn't know how fast you could walk."
Old couple goes to a fast food restorant.
They order one burger and fries, sit down and divide the burger and fries. A man from table next to them sees that and asks politely: "If you want, I can buy some extra food for you." "No thanks, we are a old couple, we share everything." Time goes by and the man is eating, but the woman is not. From the table next to them, the man asks again:"I really have no problem buying you food." Man replies:"Dodnt worry about it, she will eat! We share everything" But the stranger is not happy with that and asks the woman:"Why are you not eating?" Woman looks at him and says:"I am waiting for the teeth."
So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas
He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."
My old man got me today...
Me: alright, dad, see you in a few hours.
Dad: okay, drive safe.
Me: I'll make sure to drive really fast and without any caution.
Dad: that would be an improvement to your usual driving.
I kicked my wife off the bed when she was fast asleep
I kicked my wife off the bed when she was fast asleep to show her the man of her dreams couldn't save her.
A prayer
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out: "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward: "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
Good", said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short"
A man walks into a bar...
And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!
The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"
The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.
Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"
A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....
A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.
He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"
A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."
The Captain replied, "Great, you keep praying while the rest of us put our life jackets on.......we are short of one!"
A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding
The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."
I saw a black man running down the street with a TV
I was worried it was mine so I drove home as fast as I could, when I got home I was relieved to find mine was still there...brushing the front porch.
A man gets pulled over by the police for excessive speeding...
The cop approaches the vehicle, c**... and arrogant, and says "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."
The man smiles and says, "Well I got here as fast as I could, officer!"
A man walks into a bar
He quickly orders 5 bottles of beer. He immediately starts to drink the beer immediately, as fast as he can. In 2 minutes, he had already finished 3 bottles of beer. The bartender looks over and says, "Why are you in such a hurry?"
The man says, "You would be doing the same if you knew what I have."
The bartender replies, "What do you have?"
The man replies: "25 cents"
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A man runs into a bar...
He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."
A man walks into a bar
He promptly orders 12 shots and starts to drink them as fast as he can "geez bud why are you drinking so fast?" Asked the bartender "if you had what I had you'd be drinking fast too" the man replied "well what do you have?" asked the bartender the man finished his last drink before saying " 75 cents"
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.
"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.
"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.
"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"
The man replies "50 cents."
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A cop pulls over a speeding driver...
"Do you know why I pulled the over?" The cop asks the driver. The driver responds: "yeah I was going a little fast there." The cop nods and says "well I'm in a good mood today so if you give me a good reason for why you're speeding, I'll let you go ." The man thinks for a second and then says: "my wife ran off with a cop a few weeks ago, and when I saw the red lights flashing, I thought he was trying to give her back."
Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."
A cop pulls over a speeder
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"130 km/h" the man answers
"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.
"I was keeping up with traffic!"
The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"
"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"
A man runs into a bar...
A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."
There was a really fast runner who was admitted to an asylum.
He did his time and was released as a "rehabilitated man".
The day he was discharged his father came to pick him up.
His father approached him and asked one question :- "So...Usain?"
A couple was having a quarrel in a lodge...
The man calls the manager and says, "I'm having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window please come fast!"
The Manager angrily responds, "I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please do not waste my time again."
The Husband replies back, "The window is not opening. This is not a personal issue, this is a maintenance issue."
A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm
In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator
I'll give it a try. Test me
What is 35 x 47?
The man answers quickly 476
That's not even close
Yeah but thats fast
In a jungle, there are two cannibals eating a man
They ate their victim, one starting at the head and the other starting at the feet.
After a while, the cannibal who had started at the feet asked his friend, "How are you doing?"
"I'm having a ball!" came the reply.
"Slow down, you're eating too fast!"
A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'
A man driving 200mph was stopped by the police
He said "I'm sorry officer, was I driving too fast?"
The officer replied "no sir, flying too low"
A tipsy man staggered out of Melbourne Hotel and entered a taxi. "Take me to Melbourne Hotel," he told the cabbie. The cabbie was momentarily confused. They sat in silence for minutes. The cab never moved. Then the cabbie got out, opened the back door and told the guy: "Look. (Pointing)"
"The Melbourne Hotel." "How much for the fare?" "No charge," replied the cabbie. "Thanks. Next time, don't drive so fast!"
An Interview
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a Visa
Consul: What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: s**...?
Arab: Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab: Both male and female and sometimes even
camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows too.
Consul: Man....isn't that hostile?
Arab: Oh horse style, d**..., any style
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: Deer? No deer, they run away too fast!
Consul: Oh God!
Arab: Yeah, I know it's Good for the health
A King had to go on a war but he was worried that his wife might cheat and leave him
He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left. After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he heard someone coming from behind. He stopped for the man and once the other horse rider came close the king saw that he was his minister. The minister came towards the king.
The king said, "didn't I give you a job to do?"
The minister said, " your highness about that.... the keys you gave me are wrong"
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".
A man came to the doctor
Doctor: Name?
Man: Jonathan
Doctor: s**...?
Man: Yes all the time
Doctor: No, I mean male or female?
Man: Yes, male, female, sometimes a sheep or a pig
Doctor: Oh dear
Man: oh no, dears run fast
A man, frantic rushes up to the bar
Gimme twelve shots quick!! He says. The bartender starts pouring them out as the man starts slamming them. After the last shot the bartender says "d**...! You sure drank those fast!! The man says "buddy, you'd drink fast too, if you had what I got!" "Jeeze, what do you have bud?" The bartender says. The man says "about 75 cents".
Three men are standing at the train station.
They are talking to each other and they don't even notice that the train already came and is now already moving. They all run towards the door, and two of them manage to jump on the train, but the third one stays on the platform. An observer comes to the man and says: wow, your friends are fast! The man responds: Yeah, but they were here just to e**... me to the train!
Guy walks into a bar.
Guy walk into a bar and orders a pint, bartender pours pint and gives to said customer.
The man proceeds to drink the beer as fast as possible. This happens three more times, and the bartender ask everything okay? The guy replied you'll drink like this if you had what I have!
Bartender what do you have .
Guy reply's 25cents
An overweight man goes to the doctor
The doctor says sir we need to talk about your weight. It's been a growing concern and I'm afraid if it gets worse, you'll have some major heart issues. I think it's time we talk about a way for you to lose some weight fast. Would you like to hear about liposuction?
The man goes please, enlighten me
A man walks into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila
The bartender lines up the shots, and the man starts taking them one after another.
The bartender says "wow you're drinking those pretty fast"
The guy says "you would too if you had what I have"
The bartender steps back cautiously "what do you have?"
The guy says "fifty cents"
Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"
The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."
The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"
The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."
A man runs into a bar.
Panting, he tells the bartender, Give me five shots of your best whiskey; quick!
The bartender pours the drinks and the man knocks them all back within seconds.
Why you drinking so fast? asks the perplexed bartender.
You'd drink fast too, if you were me. says the man.
Why, what do you have? asks the bartender.
* A dollar."*
Two Parachutists
Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.
One man's parachute opened, the other one's didn't.
The guy with the defective c**... was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue. Appeared to be in no rush.
The other guy with the good c**... said Hey, you look so calm and collected. Why are you taking your time? Why aren't you panicking?
The guy with the unopened c**... said Hey, why should I rush? I've got the rest of my life to figure it out .
2 men go fishing, One has a stutter
The man with a stutter says shh ssshhh sshh . The other man says what is it, did you catch a fish ? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says spit it out . The stuttering man says ssshhh ship!! Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying ssshhh . The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he's going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says sshhh sshhh Shark!!
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and shouts:"Get me the best whiskey you have!".
The Barista does as told and the man drinks the whole glass in a few seconds.
"Wow! I haven't seen anyone drink so fast before!"
"Well, you'd drink as fast as me if you had what I have"
"And what is it you have?"
"50c."
Stop or slow down
A guy gets pulled over, the cop says I pulled you over for not stopping at the stop sign.
I slowed down. says the man
You have to stop
But I slowed down.
The cop was tired of this guy he pulls him out of the car and starts hitting him really fast!
Now do you want me to stop ,or slow down?!
A man gets pulled over right as he's exiting the freeway.
As he rolls down his window, the cop asks him, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?!"
The man replies, "Well I sure as h**... know that I was within the d**... speed limit!"
The cop says, "No sure, that's incorrect. You're meant to exit this freeway at 35 mph, and I clocked you doing over 100."
"That's b**...!" spat the man. "I ain't dumb. I can read. That sign right over there said exit 125!"
Three drunk men get in a taxi after leaving the bar.
The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off after ten seconds, saying they had arrived at their destination.
The first man gave him the money and exited the taxi.
The second man thanked him and also left the taxi.
The third man slapped the driver.
The driver was surprised that he noticed and asks him.
To which, the third man says, "Why did you drive so fast?"
A Man Rushes Into A Bar And Says
Quick! Give me a pint of lager, and then a whisky, then another pint and another whisky, then a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, another pint, another whisky, and finally a pint and a whisky
As fast as the bartender is pouring the drinks, the man is knocking them back, one after the other.
The bartender says You okay mate? What's brought this on?
The man replies Man, I should *NOT* be drinking all this with what I've got…
My god replies the bartender, what have you got??
Man replies About five bucks..
Keep 'em warm
Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"
"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.
"what did you say?" replies Bob.
The man spits a large ball of worms into his hand and says to Bob, " you have to keep your worms warm".
A man gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop starts lecturing him on road safety and being a responsible driver, to which the man replies, Officer, I'm incredibly mindful of safe driving and responsibility. That's why I need to get home fast before all the drinks kick in!