Man Fasted Jokes
95 man fasted jokes and hilarious man fasted puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about man fasted that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Man Fasted Short Jokes
Short man fasted jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The man fasted humour may include short ramadan fasting jokes also.
- What did the muslim man say as he was driving recklessly and passing other cars at dawn? "Sorry, gotta go fast"
- Man. I know my wife is athletic and seems pretty quick on her feet... but why do all my friends keep calling her a cheetah? She ain't that fast.
- I asked a man in a turban why he wasn't fasting He told me you don't have to fast for ramadan if you are Sikh.
- A cop pulls a guy over for speeding... Cop: Why were you going so fast?
Man: Well my wife ran off with a cop...I thought you were trying to give her back - I was quite flexible and fast when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man. Because my uncle was murdered
- My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!
- What did the Japanese man say as the hiroshima sky was filled with the light of an atomic bomb, in a split second? Wow this blew up fast.
- Asian stereotype joke An Asian man walks up to a fast food restaurant for takeout.
He says "Flied lice please."
He leaves but comes back a minute later
"This is fried rice, I ordered flied lice." - A man purchases a new dress for his wife... ...he goes home as fast as possible so he can give it to her before fashions change.
- Where does a Muslim man go after he's done fasting during Ramadan? To the Allah Hu Snackbar.
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Man Fasted One Liners
Which man fasted one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with man fasted? I can suggest the ones about fast food and fast.
- Confucius say, Man who pull out too fast, leaves rubber behind.
- A monk killed a man before going into fasting... It was a premeditated homocide
- What did the man say after going up a set of fast moving stairs? That escalated quickly!
- Why did the holy man eat a meal mid way through fasting He was half-assed.
- I met a Muslim man this Ramadan... We became fast friends.
- Why did the Rastafarian man fast for a week? He broke his Jah.
- What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his v**... to fast? Stop "Russian"
Hilarious Man Fasted Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about man fasted you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fast car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make man fasted pranks.
A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food.
The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, "$2000."
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won’t leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a woman gave in very fast it's not because of the man but the men that came before him.
A young man is writing his grandmother a letter
His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?
My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.
She can't read very fast!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three blondes want to cross the Nile. A Golden Fish offers each of them a wish to come true
The first one wishes to swim fast. She gets to the middle of the river and the crocodiles eat her. The second one wishes to swim faster. When she gets to the middle the crocodiles eat her. The third blonde wishes to become a man. The Gold Fish turns her into a man and she says: -Thank God there's a bridge here.
a man walks into a bar & orders nine glasses of wine...
the bartender starts to pour them but can't keep up with how fast the man is drinking them! he says "sir, if I may ask, why are you drinking like this?" he replies "you'd be drinking this way if you had what I have." the bartender looking shocked asked "sir, what is it you have??" he replies "a dollar".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Telepathic Watch
A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Your date running late?'
'No, no...', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I
was just testing it.'
The woman, intrigued, asks: 'Wow! A state-of-the-art watch? So, what's special about it?'
'Well, it uses ultrasonic waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'Interesting...so what's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any p**......'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing p**...!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cannibal Joke
A guy is walking in the forest when all of the sudden two spears are thrown at him and kill him. Two cannibals emerge from the forest and argue over the body. They go back and forth for a while over who is going to get to eat the man when they finally decide to split it. One looks at the other and says, "We'll start at opposite ends and meet in the middle, that way neither of us eats more than the other." So they proceed to eat. A while later o**... is gnawing away at the head when he asks the other guy how its going. he replies, "Oh im having a ball!" to which the other says, "Slow down you're eating too fast!"
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
A man gets pulled over on the freeway...
And the cop asks him, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
The man thinks for a bit, then turns to him and says, "Well, seeing that you caught up to me, clearly not fast enough."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interviewing Arab for US visa
Interviewing an arab for a visa
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: s**...?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, d**..., any style
Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast
A guy walks into a bar...
He goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a bottle of your top shelf scotch". So the bartender gives him a glass and a bottle, and the man quickly downs the scotch.
The Bartender says "That's a $300 bottle of scotch and you drank it in a minute! I've never seen anyone drink a bottle of scotch so fast" and the guy says "Well buddy, if you had what I have, you'd drink top shelf scotch awfully fast too". So the bartender says "What do you have?"
The man looks up into the bartender's eyes and says:
"About 3 bucks"
2 Mexicans were walking through the desert...
It'd been more than a week since either of them had eaten anything, and their last bottle of water had just gone dry. They'd been walking for hours on end.
Suddenly on the horizon, one of the Mexican's spotted something. 'Look over there my friend, you see the green thing?'
His friend replies 'The thing with pink stuff on it'
Through the air a delicious salty, meaty aroma hit both their noses. They could see a large green, leafy shape in the distance, with pink slivers of what looked like greasy meat hanging from it.
'Yeah man, and you can smell it too!, amigo eetz a bacon tree!'
'AMIGO EETZ A BACON TREE! WE'RE SAVED!'
The Mexican who had first spotted the bacon tree on the horizon suddenly ran, as fast as his legs could carry him towards the plant in in the distance. When all of a sudden...
BANG! BANG! BANG! - Gunshots fired out, as if from nowhere
The other Mexican, who had not had the energy to run looked on to his friend, who lay bleeding and dying from his wounds
Barely able to mouth the words through lack of water the Mexican cried out to his dying friend. 'Amigo, what happened?'
With his last breath the dying Mexican warned his partner...
'Amigo, eetz no bacon tree, eetz a Ham Bush!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Then did you jump?
A young soldier finally got his first jump in at Airborne school. The young man proudly calls home from Ft Benning to tell his dad all about it.
"hey dad, I finally got my first jump!"
"awesome, tell me all about it" said the enthusiastic father.
"well pop, first they load all of you into a C130 and you take off in a very fast and violent climb"
"sounds scary. So then did you jump?"
"No dad, not yet. After that ascent the jumpmaster yells 10 minutes!"
"and then you jumped?"
"not yet dad. After that we all stood up and hooked up our chutes"
"did you jump then?"
"not yet dad. After that the jumpmaster yells 30 seconds and that's when you stand in the door"
"then you jumped?!"
"no dad, after that the jumpmaster yells green light go!"
"and then you jumped!"
"nope, not yet. I froze in the door. The jumpmaster looks at me and says, 'if you don't jump out that door I'm going to shove this baseball bat up your a**...!'
"then you jumped?!"
"well, a little at first."
A Man Walks Into A Bar.....
He says to the bartender gimme a shot of whiskey. He get's it and downs it. He then says get me a glass of whiskey, he get's that and downs it. Then he asks for a pint of whiskey, the bartender says "Well he won't down this one" the guy downs it. by now he's swaying and staggering, he then asks for two pints of whiskey. The bartender says "Why are you downing all these whiskeys so fast?" the guy replies "Because I've only got 50 pence"
There once was a man who made dead houses.
There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.
Be wary of the chore of painting . . .
A man was looking for a person to paint her porch, so he hired a young lady and told her what to do.
After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said, I'm done.
The man asked, How did you get done so fast?
The lady said, It was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end. And by the way, it's a Ferrarri not a Porsche.
A man is driving his new mustang
home from work one day. He spots an incredibly obese man sitting on the curb next to a bicycle, breathing heavily. He stops and asks the man what's wrong. The man said that his doctor told him he needed to excersise and lose some weight. As he could barely run he decided to ride his bike. However, on his first day out he had ridden to far from home and couldn't make it back.
The man has time before he needs to be home so he says"I have a rope in my car I can pull you home. If I get going to fast ring this bell and I will slow down."
When they have only gone a little ways down the road a camaro pulls up next to the mustang. As camaros and mustangs are wont to do they race. A police officer spots them and radios to his partner "I've got a mustang racing a camaro" to which his partner replies alright I'll stop them." The first officer replies"its not them I'm worried about its the three hundred pound guy on a bike ringing a bell to get them to pull over so he can pass that has me concerned."
Random Drug search
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."
The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some of my favorite SFW jokes
Some of my personal favorite ones:
A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the police show up and ask what happened the snail say " I don't know, it happened so fast..."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver say "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man say, "you go right up there and tell him off--I'll hold your monkey for you."
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules...so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error he sent the e mail to somewhere in Houston. A widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor and couldn't imagine what happened to her until he looked up at the computer screen and read...
TO: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: January 12, 2008.
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!
And finally,
A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars. On the seat is the latest copy of p**.... Finally, the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the my side."
Honesty Is Not Always the Best Policy (real news)
A Florida man arrested for speeding and DUI admitted to police that prior to getting in his car he'd been drinking beer and watching "The Fast & the Furious." Although, he admitted his favorite movie is "Dumb and Dumber."
A man walks into a bar...
... Approaches the bartender and asks for ten shots of his finest Scotch. The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them, one after the other, in under ten seconds.
The bartender says "My god, I've never seen anyone take so many shots so fast!"
To which the man replies "Bartender, if you had what I have you'd drink fast too."
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
"Four bucks."
The Eagle- an original joke
A man is talking with an eagle.
The man asks, "Eagle, how can you catch your prey so well if you just fly over really fast?"
The eagle responds, "I don't know, I guess I just have a talon for it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Confession
A man's talking to his priest and says "Father, I don't know what to do. Suddenly, all of these beautiful women want to have s**... with me. I try to be good, but I have to confess, I'm weak. I slept with five women in the last three days."
The priest says, "Go home, squeeze five lemons into a cup, and drink it really fast."
The man asks, "Will that absolve me of all my sins?"
"No," the priest says.
"Will it help me resist temptation?"
"No."
"Then why..."
"It'll get that s**... smug grin off your face."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fast Thinker
Guy's first time parachuting... yada yada c**... fails, reserve fails. He's falling. But he sees a speck coming up toward him, faster than he's falling. He realizes it's a guy and figuring he has nothing to lose, he yells,
"Hey do you know anything about parachutes?"
and as they pass the other guy yells back,
"Sorry man, I don't . Do you know anything about propane BBQs?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guys who brag about being good at foreplay are like guys who brag about being good at Mortal Kombat on Super Nintendo.
Nobody's impressed man. There's only two b**... and you're just pressing them as fast as you can.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lenny is a righteous man who devotes his life to charity work ...
Every week, he prays to god that he should win the lottery. "god, I don't desire much and I do your work on this earth, but I've never enjoyed the material things--a large house, fast car, steak dinners, that deep down I want to enjoy.
Finally one week Lenny breaks down and says during his weekly prayer, "god, I've been your loyal servant for 50 years committing myself to your work--feeding the hungry, clothing the n**..., and providing work to the poor! Please the lottery is at an all time high and I've never won so much as 100 dollars!"
All of a sudden the heavens open and a booming voice echoes, LENNNY... HELP ME OUT... BUY A f**...' TICKET...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 men in a plane, one with a knife, one with a gun and one with a bomb.
The plane was about to c**... so the pilot says we need to shed weight fast, you all need to chuck your luggage out. They comply. The plane stabilises and they land safely.
The guy that chucked the knife out the plane returns home and sees his mother sobbing. When he asks why she said "some madman chucked a knife from a plane and killed your father when he went to the toilet ". He remains silent.
The man with the gun decided to shed the bullets instead of the precious gun so he shot all his bullets. When he returns home he too sees his mother and crying and when he asks why she replys "some madman shot out of a plane and killed your father when he went to the toilet" he too remains silent.
The man that chucked the bomb out of the plane returns home and sees his mother laughing uncontrollably. When he asks why she said "your dad whent to the toilet, f**... and blew up the house"
Anniversary gift
The wife asks her husband: "What are you gonna get me for our 20th anniversary, dear?"
"A grave in the cemetery". They had a huge fight. Fast forward to next year.
"What're you gonna get me for our 21st anniversary, honey?"
The man, annoyed, replies: "Nothing! You haven't used what I got you last year yet!"
Life of Riley.
A man says to his friend: 'I used to live the life of Riley; fast cars, beautiful women and holidays in the Carribean.'
His friend asks: 'What happened?'
His reply: 'Riley reported his credit card missing.'
They say it's inoperable...
A guy walks into a bar and orders seven shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up the seven shots and the man starts slamming them one after another. The bartender says "You sure are drinking those awfully fast."
The man responds "You'd be drinking them this fast if you had what I have."
In an empathetic tone the bartender asks "What do you have?"
"Fifteen cents"
A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...
He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar...
He asks the bartender for six shots of v**.... As soon as the bartender gives it to him, he downs them in four seconds flat.
"Rough day, huh?" Says the bartender.
"Yeah," coughs the man, "I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the man comes back in, asks for six more shots, and downs them as fast as he can.
"What happened today?" Asked the bartender.
"I just found out my youngest son is gay, too." The man replies.
The third day, the man comes in, asks for the whole bottle of v**..., and starts chugging it. The bartender is mortified.
"Does *anyone* in your family like women?" He asks.
"Yeah," the man replies, "my wife."
Old couple goes to a fast food restorant.
They order one burger and fries, sit down and divide the burger and fries. A man from table next to them sees that and asks politely: "If you want, I can buy some extra food for you." "No thanks, we are a old couple, we share everything." Time goes by and the man is eating, but the woman is not. From the table next to them, the man asks again:"I really have no problem buying you food." Man replies:"Dodnt worry about it, she will eat! We share everything" But the stranger is not happy with that and asks the woman:"Why are you not eating?" Woman looks at him and says:"I am waiting for the teeth."
My old man got me today...
Me: alright, dad, see you in a few hours.
Dad: okay, drive safe.
Me: I'll make sure to drive really fast and without any caution.
Dad: that would be an improvement to your usual driving.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I kicked my wife off the bed when she was fast asleep
I kicked my wife off the bed when she was fast asleep to show her the man of her dreams couldn't save her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the very religious man not say a word while he was fasting?
He was afraid that he would s**... his words.
I saw a black man running down the street with a TV
I was worried it was mine so I drove home as fast as I could, when I got home I was relieved to find mine was still there...brushing the front porch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 men were lost in the desert
Their car broke down and they were wandering for hours. It's midday and the sun was scorching hot. They're lost, hungry and their t**... were parched. In the distance they saw a huge mosque.
Man 1: Let's pretend to be Muslims and they'll give us food and water.
Man 2: You go ahead and do that. I'm not gonna lie.
They reached the mosque and met the imam. The imam greeted them and asked what were their names.
Man 1: My name is Abdullah.
Man 2: My name is Thomas.
The Imam turned to his assistant as told him, "Give Brother Thomas some food and water. Brother Abdullah will break his fast with us at 7.28pm."
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man rushes into a bar...
... and tells the bartender to quickly give him a shot of the finest whisky. The bartender complies and watches the strange man down it just as soon as it hit the bar.
"Another one! Fast!" the man demanded, and again the bartender complied. After three more rounds, curiosity gets the better of the bartender.
"Why are you downing them so fast? What's your hurry?" asked the bartender.
"If you knew what I had, you'd be in a hurry too!"
"What do you have?" the bartender asked.
The man drank down his last s**... and said, "No money."
A scrawny little fellow turned up at a lumber company looking for work.
'Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,' he said to the head lumberjack. 'All right,' said the boss. 'Take this axe and cut fired that oak tree.' Five minutes later the man was back. 'I've cut it down,' he says, 'and split it into lumber.' The boss couldn't believe his eyes. 'Where on earth did you learn to cut down trees so fast?' 'The Sahara,' the man answered. 'The Sahara desert?' 'Desert? Oh yes, that's what they call it now.'
Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."
A drunk old Irish man told me this one...
A man, a pig and his dog are marooned on a deserted island. After a couple of months in isolation the man becomes lonely and begins getting ideas about the pig. But every time he tries it on with the pig, the dog would start biting his leg and barking at him.
One day the man spots a beautiful woman floating on a raft out in the sea. He swims out as fast as he can and rescues her, and brings her onshore. The woman is overwhelmed with gratitude for him and says
Thank you for saving me, I will do anything you want .
With a cheeky glint in his eye, delighted with this offer, the man eagerly says
Brilliant! You see that dog? Go take him for a feckin walk
There was a really fast runner who was admitted to an asylum.
He did his time and was released as a "rehabilitated man".
The day he was discharged his father came to pick him up.
His father approached him and asked one question :- "So...Usain?"
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Guy runs into a bar
Guy runs into a bar around noon on a sunny day. He barrels his way towards the bar where no one but the bartender is around and says quick, give me ten shots of your best whiskey! Without skipping a beat, the bartender sets him with all ten shots lined up on the bar, and the guy hits them one after the other until he has all ten down his t**.... The bartender looks on astonished, and says man, why did you pound those away so fast? Guy says you'd drink that quickly too if you had what I've got! Bartender of course asks what does he have. Guy says five bucks...
A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm
In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator
I'll give it a try. Test me
What is 35 x 47?
The man answers quickly 476
That's not even close
Yeah but thats fast
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Reporter and the Man
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'
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A man is driving the car with his family in it
He gets bored and begins going faster and faster. His wife taps on his shoulder and says:
"Can you please slow down, you are going too fast"
The man responds:
"Don't worry, God will keep us safe"
And he speeds up even more. After a few seconds his kids tap on his shoulder and say:
"Dad please slow down"
The man starts to get annoyed and says:
"I told you not to worry, God will keep us safe"
He once again speeds up even more. After a few seconds he feels another tap on his shoulder. He asks angrily:
"What the h**... is it this time?"
"This is God. Can you please stop the car for a moment, I need to get out"
A tipsy man staggered out of Melbourne Hotel and entered a taxi. "Take me to Melbourne Hotel," he told the cabbie. The cabbie was momentarily confused. They sat in silence for minutes. The cab never moved. Then the cabbie got out, opened the back door and told the guy: "Look. (Pointing)"
"The Melbourne Hotel." "How much for the fare?" "No charge," replied the cabbie. "Thanks. Next time, don't drive so fast!"
A man was chatting up a woman at a bar.
'You know, Im really fast at math..' he says.
'Really? What is 5420 multiplied by 7632?' she asked
'430' came the instant reply.
'What? But thats not right, it's not even close!'
'Maybe.. but it was fast.'
A King had to go on a war but he was worried that his wife might cheat and leave him
He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left. After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he heard someone coming from behind. He stopped for the man and once the other horse rider came close the king saw that he was his minister. The minister came towards the king.
The king said, "didn't I give you a job to do?"
The minister said, " your highness about that.... the keys you gave me are wrong"
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".
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A man came to the doctor
Doctor: Name?
Man: Jonathan
Doctor: s**...?
Man: Yes all the time
Doctor: No, I mean male or female?
Man: Yes, male, female, sometimes a sheep or a pig
Doctor: Oh dear
Man: oh no, dears run fast
3 Kids are arguing about who's dad is the fastest...
At lunch, the first boy says his dad is the faster because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits...
Not bad says the 2nd boy, but my dad is faster.
He is a professional archer. When he shoots an arrow at the bulls-eye he can reach it before the arrow does...
That's pretty fast, says the 3rd boy, but not as fast as my old man.
My dad works for the Government as a public servant, & when he finishes work a 5pm, he can get home by 2:30pm...
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In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustache!".
Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.
- Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with the tyrant with a moustache!""? - Stalin asks.
- Well of course i meant h**...!
- Very good, comrade, you are free to go.
Man walks away, Beria tries to do so too, but Stalin stops him:
- Not so fast, comrade Beria. Tell me, who did YOU have in mind?
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Three men are standing at the train station.
They are talking to each other and they don't even notice that the train already came and is now already moving. They all run towards the door, and two of them manage to jump on the train, but the third one stays on the platform. An observer comes to the man and says: wow, your friends are fast! The man responds: Yeah, but they were here just to e**... me to the train!
An overweight man goes to the doctor
The doctor says sir we need to talk about your weight. It's been a growing concern and I'm afraid if it gets worse, you'll have some major heart issues. I think it's time we talk about a way for you to lose some weight fast. Would you like to hear about liposuction?
The man goes please, enlighten me
Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"
The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."
The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"
The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."
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Two Parachutists
Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.
One man's parachute opened, the other one's didn't.
The guy with the defective c**... was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue. Appeared to be in no rush.
The other guy with the good c**... said Hey, you look so calm and collected. Why are you taking your time? Why aren't you panicking?
The guy with the unopened c**... said Hey, why should I rush? I've got the rest of my life to figure it out .
2 men go fishing, One has a stutter
The man with a stutter says shh ssshhh sshh . The other man says what is it, did you catch a fish ? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says spit it out . The stuttering man says ssshhh ship!! Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying ssshhh . The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he's going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says sshhh sshhh Shark!!
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and shouts:"Get me the best whiskey you have!".
The Barista does as told and the man drinks the whole glass in a few seconds.
"Wow! I haven't seen anyone drink so fast before!"
"Well, you'd drink as fast as me if you had what I have"
"And what is it you have?"
"50c."
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A man gets pulled over right as he's exiting the freeway.
As he rolls down his window, the cop asks him, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?!"
The man replies, "Well I sure as h**... know that I was within the d**... speed limit!"
The cop says, "No sure, that's incorrect. You're meant to exit this freeway at 35 mph, and I clocked you doing over 100."
"That's b**...!" spat the man. "I ain't dumb. I can read. That sign right over there said exit 125!"