Man City Jokes

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.
His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner.
The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly.
The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.
Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops.

At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off.
She turned to the bus driver and said, "I think I was just molested back there."
The bus driver looked at her and said, "Not on my bus. You couldn't have been."
So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off.
She, too, looks at the bus driver and says, "I think I was just molested back there."
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of.
He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus.
To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says, "Sir, what are you doing?"
The man looks at him and says, "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again."

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest."
The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?"
His friend nods. "Sure."
"Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..."
He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin.
His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment.
"Dude, that is not cool."
The doctor, indignant, defended himself.
"What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients."
His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."

A man was talking to an old woman before he left on a trip to New York.

She told him that years ago, her son had left for New York and she hadn't heard from him since. He asked her what his name was and told her that he would look for him. She told him his name was John Dunn. "Tell him to call his mother," she said.
So he gets to New York and as he's walking through the city, he sees a sign on a building that reads "Dunn & Bradstreet." So he says to himself "This must be it."
He walks in and the receptionist says, "May I help you?" He says, "Yes, do you have a John here?" To which she says "Yes, its back in the corner."
So he goes in and there's a man coming out of the stall. "Are you Dunn?" he asks. "Yes," the man says.
"Go call your mother."

Hans Wolfgang

A man, (lets call him Adam) is walking through his new city neighborhood looking for a dry-cleaners. He goes on to find one cleaners called "Hals Wolfgang's Express Clean." Curious, he walks in the building to find it almost empty, exept for the manager, a small, old, asian man. Adam walks up to the old man and starts a conversation.
Adam: Are you the owner of this store?
Man: Yes I am.
Adam: So...you're Hans Wolfgang?
Man: Yes, why?
Adam: Nothing...it's just a very unusual name for an asian man.
Man: Well, there's a story behind it. When I was comming into America a long, long time ago, they sorted us into one long line where we told our names. The man before me in that line, his name was Hans Wolfgang. After he left, I went up, and said.."Saim Ting"

The City-Slicker and the Farmer

One year, a man who lived in the city decided to try his hand at deer hunting. He bought all the the necessary equipment, a license, and a rifle and headed out to the gamelands a good distance away from the city.

After a full day's hunting, the man spots a gorgeous buck and manages to make a clean shot. The deer runs for awhile and drops dead right in a farmer's yard. When the man goes to retrieve the deer the farmer meets him and claims that the deer is now his because it's on his land. "What are you talking about?! It took me all day to take this buck!"

The farmer looks at the man, who is obviously from the city. "Tell you what. We'll compete for it. We'll take turns k**... each other in the nuts until one of us gives up. The winner gets the deer." The man, not wanting to go home empty handed, timidly agrees.

The farmer immediately hauls back and lands a kick right in the man's groin, collapsing him. The man writhes in pain on the ground for about a minute and slowly stands up. "Okay, my turn."

The farmer says, "Nah that's ok. You can have the deer." He turns around and walks back into his house.

A Test For Heaven

There was a man who was only killing lawyers in a big city, and all day St. Peter was hearing excuses from them about why they HAD to do the things they did. He was sick of it.
Then, another lawyer showed up at the gates, and St. Peter did not want to deal with hearing his excuses, so he told him, "Heaven is starting to get a little crowded today, so there is now going to be a test to see if you can get in. I'll ask one question, get it right and your in."
After he finished telling the lawyer, St. Peter saw that a cop and a priest were at the gates as well and they heard everything. Knowing that he couldn't just give the test to the lawyer now that they all heard it, he thinks and finally says it's time to star the test.
First he asks the priest, "What early 20th century ship met its demise by hitting an ice berg during its maiden voyage?" The priest says, "The Titanic" and St. Peter lets him into Heaven.
Then, he goes to the cop and asks, "How many people died during the demise of the Titanic?" The cop thinks for a second before replying, "around 2000," and St. Peter says, "close enough," before letting him in.
Finally he goes to the lawyer and says, "name them."

Long Flight

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde of television cameras and newspaper journalists. One eager young news hound t**... a microphone at the Pope and asked, "Pope, what is your opinion of the large numbers of brothels in this city?" Mindful of the warnings he'd received from his advisors, he thought carefully for a second and replied tactfully, "Are there any brothels in this city?" The next day he was distraught to see the newspaper's headline which read "Pope's first question: 'Are there any brothels in this city?'"

A man from the city is driving down a country road

as he is speeding, a rabbit jumps in front of his car and is killed instantly. The man stops, checks and discovers the rabbit is dead, and is about to get back in the car until a farmer shouts "you need to dispose of that, mister!" The man calmly goes into the trunk of his car and pulls out a can. He walks up to the rabbit, sprays it for a minute or two, and waits. To the farmer's surprise, the rabbit gets up and runs a few feet, turns, and waves. The rabbit runs a few more feet, turns and waves, and continues this until it's back in the woods. The man gets in his car and drives off. Confused, the farmer looks at the empty can and reads: "hair restoration with permanent wave"

Always makes me groan

This is a favorite of my dad he always likes to bring it up I'm sure some of you have heard it before.
A single man in his 30's moves from the big city out into the country. He likes the area, the scenery, and mainly the solitude. He only has one neighbor in close proximity, and soon after he arrives his neighbor comes to welcome him. The neighbor is another man, a country "bubba" around 40. After making small talk, the man asks the neighbor what they do for fun around the parts. The neighbor responds: "Well come on over to my place tonight! There'll be drinking, there'll be fighting, and there'll be f---ing." The man, surprised at this party, asks what time he should be there. The neighbor replies "Oh it don't matter, it's just gonna be you and me."

The poetry contest

There was a prestigious, international poetry contest held in a glamorous foreign city. Contestants had come from all over the world and by the end there was one man whom everyone thought was going to win and a camo-wearing, baccer-chewing r**... that everyone wondered what was doing there. In the final round of the competition, the contestants were given a word and had to come up with a poem in thirty seconds. During the very last round, the contestants stood at the podium and were given the word; Timbuktu.
The shoo-in went first. He thought for thirty seconds, then stepped up to the microphone and said:
"Across the desert, wind and sand,
Trekked the lonely caravan.
Men and camels, two by two,
Destination; Timbuktu."
The audience erupted with applause. When it died down, the r**... grinned and stepped to the microphone and without missing a beat he recited:
"Tim and me a-huntin' went.
Found three w**... in a popped-up tent.
Them was three and us was two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

The Yin and Yang of dumplings and kebabs

An old asian man operates a store on the bottom floor of his house where he sells dumplings and kebabs. The dumplings are known for being the best in the entire city, but the kebabs are completely disgusting. The strange thing is, whenever you order a dumpling, you must also get a kebab with it. When people try to order just a dumpling, the old man straight up refuses. Many people avoid the shop for this reason.
One day, the man's nephew comes in, and asks "uncle, you know everybody loves your dumplings and hates your kebabs, right? You could probably get more business if you only sold dumplings." The old man leans in with a knowing smile, and says "I know that everyone loves my dumplings and hates the kebabs... But for all the light in this world, there must also be dark. Where something good is found, there must also be something bad. It is the way of the universe. Also this house has no toilet."

Clean as cold water can get it.

A man decides to spend a week on his uncle's farm, well away from the city life. The first night his uncle cooks him a lovely meal and afterwards his uncle takes the dishes away to be cleaned. The next day at breakfast the man notices there still seem to be bits of dinner on the plate. He asks his uncle about it and his uncle replies "It's as clean as cold water can get it." The man accepts that but offers to do the cleaning himself, but his uncle refuses. At dinner the man again notices bits of the last meal still on the dishes. He asks his uncle again, and the reply is still "It's as clean as cold water can get it."
This continues for the week until it's time for the man to leave, but his uncle's dog is blocking the gate and refuses to move. The man asks his uncle to get the dog out of the way and his uncle yells: "Oi! Coldwater! Get out of the way!"

For my cake day, my favorite joke of all time: 87

There was a well-to-do businessman walking down a city sidewalk to get to his office, when he came across a construction site; he saw piles of tools and stacks of wood and concrete slabs, but no workers. The only person he saw was a lone worker, jumping up and down on top of a manhole. As the businessman walked closer, he could hear the worker shouting "87! 87! 87!" at the top of his lungs.
The businessman was intrigued. He went up to the worker and asked "why are you doing that?" The worker replied "oh man, it's so much fun, you gotta try it!" The businessman was skeptical, but he decided to humor the strange worker.
He stepped onto the manhole, and did a small hop, and mumbled "87." He jumped a little higher, saying "87. Hey, this is kinda fun!" He started jumping as high as he could, shouting "87! 87! 87! at the top of his lungs, when, at the top of his highest jump, the worker pulled the manhole cover out from under him, and he plummeted all the way down to the sewer.
The construction worker looked down the sewer, looked around, put the manhole cover back on, stood on top of it again, and began to jump.
"88! 88! 88!"

A Frenchman, an American and an Indian are on a plane.

The Frenchman says to the stewardess "I can tell what city we are flying over just by sticking my hand out the window!" Of course she doesn't believe him so he say here, watch, and he sticks his hand out the window and proudly tells everyone "We are flying over Paris" Amused the stewardess asks "how could you know that?", well says the Frenchman "I just touched the Eiffel tower"
Not wanting to be shown up, the American boasts that he too can tell where they are, he sticks his hand out the window as says "see here, I knew it, we're actually flying over New York City, I can tell because I just touched the Empire State Building"
By this point the Indian decides that he would like to play along, he looks at the other two and says "let me see if I can tell where we really are" he sticks his hand out the window and pulls it back in. Then he informs everyone "it turns out we are actually flying over New Deli"... the stewardess leans in and asks "How do you know we're flying over New Deli just by sticking your arm out the window" the Indian man replies "My watch is gone"

A city boy was getting ready to move to the country...

He went a local horse breeder and bought a fine looking horse for a $1000 and told the man he'd be back in a week when he moved in to pick it up.
A week later the city boy drives his brand new truck and horse trailer to the breeder's ranch to pick up the horse.
The rancher says, "Sorry mister, the horse you bought died just yesterday."
The city man thinks about this for a moment and says, "Okay, load it up in the trailer."
"The dead horse?" the rancher asks. "Yep" says the city man.
A month later the rancher sees the city man at the local feed mart and says, "Say, what did you do with that dead horse?".
"I auctioned it off for $5 a ticket. I sold 500 tickets and made $2500 and bought myself an even better horse!" says the man. The rancher says "But what did you do after the drawing?"
"Well, I told the winner that the horse had died and I gave him his $5 back."

A man walks into a bar......

An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.
This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.
The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."

Strange music

In Vienna, the great composer Mr. Beethoven had recently died and been buried in the city cemetery, with much mourning by the Viennese citizens.
A few nights after the burial, the town drunk is stumbling on his way home through the cemetery. All of a sudden he hears some very strange-sounding music wafting up from Beethoven's fresh burial plot. Terrified, the man runs through the streets, screaming about ghosts in the graveyard.
Pretty soon he's gathered quite a crowd around the grave, all muttering to each other about devils and ghosts. Finally one man makes his way to the front of the crowd, squats down by the grave, and listens.
"Why... that's Beethoven's Ninth Sympony, but... it's playing backwards!" He listens some more. "There's his Eighth Symphony, also backwards! ... And the seventh.... sixth..."
Finally he stands up and addresses the crowd. "My good people, you have nothing to fear. This is simply Mr. Beethoven decomposing."

Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.

He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the s**... had a newspaper route."

I am sorry five.

A Chinese man is walking down the street after just arriving in the U.S. for the first time. He possesses a limited understanding of English. While caught up in the splendor of the city he accidentally bumps into another person.
The Chinese man quickly responds "I'm Sorry!"
The American man says, "I am sorry too."
The Chinese man says "I am sorry three."
The American says "What are you sorry for?"
The Chinese man replies "I am sorry five."

So a while back the Pope went on a visit...

to a city. He was trying to get across town without attracting too much attention, so instead of the Popemobile, he was driving in a heavily armored SUV with very tinted windows.
So the chauffeur is driving the Pope around, and the Pope gets to wondering. "Man," he thinks, "I haven't driven in ages, not since I was a bishop." He promptly orders the chauffeur to pull over and get in the back seat. The Pope gets in front, slams his foot down on the gas, and barrels down Main Street.
The Pope is a terrible driver, and extremely out of practice. He crashes into street lights, fire hydrants, small children, everything. Eventually a police car comes, sirens blaring, and the Pope pulls over.
The cop gets out of his car and taps on the window, and the Pope rolls the window down. The cop and the Pope stare at each other for a while, and then the cop nods and walks back to his squad car. The Pope drives off.
A nearby witness, who has seen the whole thing, runs over to the cop.
"Officer!" he asks, "Why didn't you arrest that man, or at least give him a ticket?"
The cop shakes his head and says: "He's too important to arrest."
The man says: "Who could be so important that they could get away with *that*?"
The cop replies: "I don't know, but he's got the Pope as his driver."

Morning Jew

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The s**... had a paper round!"

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

s**... with a nun

A man traveling through a city, sees a large sign, it reads: **s**... with a Nun, only 500 €**
Interested he follows the directions on the sign and comes to a church, with a sign directing him to the rectory.
He knocks on the door and sure enough a young attractive nun opens the door.
"I saw the advertisement, is this the right place?"
"Yes, it is. 500€. Payment upfront"
He hands her the money, and she tells him to go around back.
As he turns the corner he encounters another sign:
**You just got s**... by Sister Eunice**

Dave is tired of the corporate world and city life so he moves to a small country town....

After a few weeks of not seeing a single soul there was a knock on his door. He opens it to be greeted by a man.
"Welcome to the neighbourhood, my name is Jimbob. I'm your neighbour and would like to invite you to a party"
"That sounds great!" Dave replies.
"Oh it will be, there is gonna be plenty to drink" says Jimbob.
"And when i start gettin tipsy i turn the music up, which gets the party really started, so there will be plenty of dancin" he continues.
"Usually a fight or two breaks out, nothing unusual for these parts" he says
"And always plenty of s**...!!"
Dave is starting to think wow this sounds like a good party and asks "how many people turn up to these types of things?"
"Oh, Just you an me" answers Jimbob

So a guy is walking in New York City when he sees a penguin in the street...

The man takes the penguin and goes to ask a woman police officer he sees down the road what to do.
He explains to her, "Ma'am I've found this penguin wandering around just a block up the road and I was curious as what to do with it."
The cop then replies, "Well, I would consider taking it to the zoo."
The man says, "Ah yes, of course!" He thanks her and is on his way.
The next day, the police officer sees the man and penguin walking next to each other. Puzzled as to why, she approaches the man and asks, "Hey! What are you doing with that penguin? I thought I told you to take it to the zoo!"
The man answers back, "I did! Now I'm taking him to the movies!"

Routines

Two guys are working for the city. As they went down the street, one would dig a hole--he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole--fill, fill, fill. The two worked furiously--one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man watching them from the sidewalk couldn't believe how hard they were working, but he also couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he said to the digger, I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole, and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!
The hole digger replied, Oh yeah. We must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.

A lucky 95 year old grandpa found Alaadin magic lamp in his attic.

After he touched it, a genie came out and said, "since it Christmas time, you may ask ONLY ONE wish." Grandpa thought for a bit and said: oh ya, can you build me a bridge from the NY city to London, across the atlantic. Genie replied, "come on grandpa, that's a hassle for me, and it is cold in the Atlantic now, pick an easier wish."
Grandpa paused for a second and said.. Oh ya! Can you make my wife young and hot like those TV supermodels. Genie replied: "Of course! that's a super easy task. How old is your wife?" Grandpa replied, "90, and here is a picture of her now!" Genie replied, "Awesome!!! Would you like the bridge one lane or two lanes?"

The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...

... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian to spite the Jew. The Pope decides he has to intervene.
So he taps the Jew gently on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me. I noticed that you didn't have anything in your tin and I wanted to point out that in Vatican City, begging for money with a Star of David isn't a very good method of getting any, especially with a man with a cross next to you. Perhaps you should try a different city?"
The Jewish man laughs out loud, shocking the Pope. He turns to the Christian and exclaims, "Hey Abraham! Look who's trying to teach the Goldberg brothers marketing!"

A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."

Joke I heard while in Hungary

Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.
"Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.
Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Again, the cops merely shrug.
The foreigner continues with the same result with Dutch, Russian, and German. Eventually, he leaves, knowing that there's no hope for him to communicate with the officers.
"I keep telling you we should learn more languages!" says one cop to the other.
"Why?" he responds. "That man knows five, and it didn't get him anywhere."

Genius!

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?" The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Vacation in Britain gone wrong

An american man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities.
One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone could help him out.
There weren't many people in the bar. But there were two rather heavy women sitting at a table chatting. So he walked up to them, and asked if they had any tips.
"Excuse me, do either of you ladies know any good tourist spots here in England?"
The two women looked annoyed at the man, and one of them responded, "It's Wales you idiot!"
"I'm sorry, do either of you whales know any good tourist spots in England?"
..And he spent the rest of his vacation at a Hospital.

An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..

...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.

Couple went to Jerusalem...

And the wife died there..
Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.
Man : I'll take the body home.
Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...
Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...

What's your opinion on the current meat shortage?

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City.
He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi man, a Polish man, a North Korean man and a resident New Yorker.
He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Saudi man replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"
The Polish man said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"
The North Korean man replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"
The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me?'"

Three guys were found trespassing in the city lake

They were put on trial and the judge called them in one by one
Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm?
Man 1: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles.
Man 1 exits, Man 2 comes in
Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm?
Man 2: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles.
Man 2 exits, Man 3 comes in
Judge: Dont tell me you were blowing bubbles too.
Man 3: No sir my name is Bubbles

Turtle on a fence post

This is an old political one but relevant to today's presidential, ahem, "situation". Enjoy!
An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city. He compares a politician to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.
The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself. He doesn't belong there; you wonder who put him there; he can't get anything done while he's up there; and you just want to help the poor, dumb thing down."

An old man got his wallet stolen while on a bus

When he realized, he started warning everyone:
"Whoever stole my wallet should return it. Otherwise what happened in 1983 will be repeated."
The old man kept ranting this warning every minute until the bus got to the next city. A young man alighted from the bus, threw the wallet into the bus and started running away. The old man picked the wallet.
Stunned by the incidence, a small kid walked to the man and asked,
"What happened in 1983, please."
The old man responded,
"In 1983, someone stole my wallet and I had to go hungry for three days."