Man Bag Jokes

A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her.

The man in the car says to her, ''What do you have in the bag?'' The blonde replies: ''I have chickens!'' The man thinks for a moment and says, ''If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?'' The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ''Okay, but I'll make the bet even better! If you can guess exactly how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!"

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

A deer hunter was bragging about the biggest, baddest, handsomest, heaviest deer he'd bagged the day before.
"It's got enough meat to eat the whole year," he boasted.
Just then the Game Warden came up and cited the man $500 for hunting without the proper tag.
"Five-hundred dollars?" exclaimed the hunter.
"All for a mangy, skinny, stubby, half-pint deer?"

A man comes home from work

and tells his wife "Pack your bags, I just hit the lottery." His wife says "Oh that's wonderful. Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says "I don't care. Just get out."

A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...

The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"
To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."

Itchipussy

A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:
Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.
Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.

Wrong spot

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!"

A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of m**......

And hands it over to the bank teller.
Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"
The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."

Condoms

A man walks into a shop to buy some condoms. The cashier asks 'would you like a bag with that?' To which the man replies 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'.

Australians

An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"

1st thing to do when you win the lottery

A man bursts through his front door with a look of excitement on his face. He runs to his wife.
"Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!" he exclaims.
"Oh, that's wonderful!" she claps her hands, "where are we going?"
"I don't care where you go, just make sure you're out of here by tomorrow morning."

Best read out loud

I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

It's a Saturday evening...

It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"
The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

Waiting in line

A woman is checking out at the grocery store. She buys a dozen eggs, two boxes of pasta, waffles, a bag of onions, lunch meat, oatmeal, sparkling water and throws on a pack of gum at the register.
The man behind her says "you must be single"
"Why yes I am! Did you figure this out by noticing all the stuff I bought?"
"Nope, it's because you are ugly!"

A Jamaican man saunters into a bank

.. with a 25kg bag of m**... and hands it over to the cashier. Shocked, the cashier asks.. What's this for!? The man, a Rastafarian, replies; "Me 'ere to open a joint account, mon!"

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

Man asks a woman; 'Do you know the difference between a tea-bag and a t**...?'

Woman: 'No.'
Man: 'I'm never having tea at your place.'

Zombie Apocalypse has begun...

Man, it's hectic out there. I've killed like 6 zombies already. How's everyone else holding up? Anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

So, a man walks into a drugstore...

...goes up to the counter and asks the clerk for two boxes of condoms. The clerk retrieves the rubbers and while she's ringing them up she asks, "Would you like a paper bag?" To which the man says, "Nah, she's pretty good lookin'."

Three couples were having lunch together...

The first man, wanting to sound romantic, looked at his wife and said, "Pass the sugar, sugar."
The second man, not wanting to be outdone, turned to his wife and said, "Pass the honey, honey."
The third man, wanting to outdo the other two, turned to *his* wife and said "Pass the tea, BAG!"

A black man walks into a corner store with a gun...

He tosses a bag to the man behind the counter and says, "Fill it up with the big ones", the man fills the bag with king-sized snickers and says: "That'll be $10.55, officer."

Man goes into a hardware store...

Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"
Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"
The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"

The logger

So a logger wakes up in the morning and goes off into the forest with his waist-bag, to find some firewood.
After finding some wood, he puts it into his waist-bag and is returning home when a man stops him and asks "What's that bulge in your bag?"
"Oh," says the logger. "Just some morning wood."

A young man buying condoms

-- 15 condoms please.
-- Would you like a bag?
-- No, she's pretty.

I walked to the bus stop.

This morning I walked to the bus stop and I saw a man there, drinking out of a paper bag.
So I said, "Morning!" to be friendly
And he said, "Nah I'm just an alcoholic."

Little boy on bus sitting next to an old man.

A little boy on bus was eating a chocolate. Then he took another one out from his bag and ate it, and then another one.
An old man sitting next to him said: "Do you know too much of it will damage your teeth."
The boy replied: "You know, my grandfather lived for 122 years."
Old Man said: "Was it because of eating chocolate?"
The boy replied:"No, He was always minding his own business."

A man approached the check in counter

A man approached the check in counter, he had a flight booked to Miami. He leaned over to the lady and said "Miss I have a special request, I would like my green bag to go to London, and my red bag to go to Hawaii"
Confused, the check in lady said "I'm sorry sir we can't do that"
The man responded "Thats great news, because thats what happened last time"

In honor of the Powerball

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

A man was found pouring dozens of bags of frozen peas into the grave of his dead wife.

He wanted her to rest in peas.

A man is at the checkout to purchase some condoms...

...the cashier asks, "Would you like a bag as well?" the man replies, "Oh, no thank you--she isn't that ugly."

A man was arrested today after he beat a woman half to death with a bag of chips

Police are calling it assault and vinegar.

Pharmacy

A man walks into a pharmacy - "Id like 3 packs of condoms please".
The pharmacist - "Here you go sir, would you like a bag".
Man: "No thanks, the girl is good looking".

Three vampires walk into a vampire bar.

The first vampire orders a cup of hot blood. The second vampire orders a cup of cold blood. The third vampire orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks the third "Why don't you drink blood? You're a vampire, man." The third vampire takes a used t**... from his pocket and answers: "I like mine bagged."

A man has an airtight bag of money

He leaves it and comes back 10 years later. It is full of air. The son goes, "the rate of inflation has just skyrocketed the past few years"

A man went into his local pharmacy to purchase condoms.

After ringing his item up the cashier asked, "Would you like a bag?"
The man responded, "No, she's not that ugly."

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

A man walks into a bank and puts a bag of w**... up on the counter.

He asks to open a joint account

A man and his friend were playing golf one afternoon when a f**... drove by...

The man was about to swing but stopped and bowed his head and said a prayer, then aimed and let a beautiful swing rip.
His friend said, "Wow man, that was pretty respectful of you to say a prayer for who ever died."
His friend slid his club into his bag and said, "Well, I was married to her for 40 years so I figured I owed her that."

A man is buying condoms and the cashier asks if he want them in a bag

My wife isn't that ugly

Two men after finding Canada are decided what to name it

The first man says let's put all the letters of the alphabet in a bag and the ones we pick out will be what we name it, eh? The second man starts pulling letters out of a bag he says, " C, eh, N, eh, D, eh" and then Canada was born

A man is married to his wife Lorraine

But he is secretly having an affair with his neighbor Claire Lee.
One day Lorraine discovers her husband has been cheating on her and swiftly packs her bags and leaves the next morning.
The man doesn't mind, and on his way to see Claire Lee the next morning he can't stop singing that one song
"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone"

A man wins the lottery and is of course extremely excited. He rushes home and tells his wife of 48 years "Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!" The wife says "oh my god! Where are we going??"

The husband replies "I don't know where you're going, just be outta here by 5"

A man has diarrhea at a gala dinner...

So he tells his wife: "I have diarrhea, but I couldn't make it to the toilet so I've put my underpants in your bag."
To which she responds: "I didn't bring my bag."

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.

"To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."
The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."

A boy was b**... groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

A man was convicted of stealing a few bags of Passiflora edulis at the supermarket

Police say it was a crime of passion fruit.

A man rushes into the doctors' office and says "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The Doc says, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually"

To this, the man shrieks and responds "Everyone? Oh lord, what have I done?"

A man is meeting with his boss and his boss's boss for brunch.

All three of their wives are joining them to eat. Among the conversation, the man's boss's boss asks his wife to pass him the sugar.
"Pass the sugar, sugar."
Then his boss looks at his wife to pass him the honey.
"Pass the honey, honey." He says.
The man thinks he should match his boss's and boss's boss's humor.
He looks to his wife and says, "Pass the tea, bag."

So a man and a woman are having a fight

A Man and a woman are having a fight. Woman marches up to their room and starts to pack her bags. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Vegas. i hear i can make $400 doing what i do for you for free" the Man starts to pack his bags too. "I'm coming with you. I've got to see how you're going to survive in Vegas on $800 a year.

A Jewish man's mother-in-law is in court for stealing a bag of oranges...

The judge says, Well, since you stole 6 oranges, your punishment is 6 nights in jail, one for each orange. Immediately the Jewish Man jumps up out of his seat and yells, WAIT! The whole room is shocked. What is it? Do you not feel that this is a fair punishment? Asks the judge. Oh No. I think it's very fair. I just wanted to add that she stole a bag of peas as well...

A man run homes excitedly, burst open the front door and yells to his wife "Honey! I won the lottery, pack your bags!" The wife excitedly jumps up hand grabs her suitcase and begins throwing clothes in it. She says "Ohmygod, that's amazing! Where should I pack for?"

The man replies " I don't care! Just get out!"

Three women are getting dressed in the locker room of a country club when a man runs in n**... with a bag over his head...

He waves his e**... around and streaks out again.
"Well, that's certainly not MY husband!" the first woman huffs to the others.
"No. That's definitely not your husband," the second woman answers.
"He's not even a member of this club!" says the third woman.

A boy was walking down the road

When a man in a car pulled up beside him and asked "if I give you a sweet will you come in my car?"
The boy turned round and said "give me the bag mate and I'll come on your face".

I was at the supermarket today and saw a man running out of the door, a bag full of cheese, being chased by security guards.

How dairy.

A blind man walks into a convenience store with his service dog

He heads down an aisle and pauses, his faithful Golden Retriever by his side. With a grunt he picks the dog up by the leash and starts swinging him in circles over his head.
*Wooosh wooosh wooosh*
Bags of chips are flying around and candy bars are falling to the floor, along with a clamorous noise.
The frustrated store clerk yells at the man. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"
"I'm just looking around."

As I'm dropped off at the airport my driver says "can I help you with those bags?"

I said "Nah man, I just need some sleep."

Ladies at the Golf Course

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club, when a n**... man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stare in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, "He is definitely not my husband." The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, "He is not mine either." After a very considered inspection, the third finally says, "He's not even a member of this golf club.

A man walks into a Movie Theater with a bag

-"What's that in the bag"
--"An AK-47"
-"No, the thing next to it"
--"A bag of Cheetos"
-"Sorry, you can't take that to the Theatre"

Man walks into a grocery store

When the cashier asks if he wants his milk in a bag, he says "No thanks. Keep it in the jug."

Girlfriends parents weren't home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - Do you need a bag with that?

Me - No man! She's beautiful!

Shopping with dad...

At the supermarket buying milk.
Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag?"
Old man: "Nah mate, just leave it in the carton"
Haha, classic dad joke!