Man At Register Jokes

Following is our collection of university humor and daily one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Man At Register puns for adults, dirty marx jokes or clean young gags for kids.

There is an abundance of noted jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 31 funniest jokes on man at register. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any quickly witze you can hear about man at register.

The Best jokes about Man At Register

A man went to the register with only a box of condoms.

The cashier asked 'Sir, do you want a bag?'

He replied 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'

A woman hears a knock a her door...

She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.

"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered sex offender."

"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.

A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.

"Hello, I'm your congressman."

A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...

Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one condom."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."

Al Sharpton goes to Best Buy

Al Sharpton heads into best buy and is browsing the appliance section. He calls over a young white male employee.

Al: Hey young man, I'd like to register a complaint.
Best Buy Guy: What seems to be the issue sir?
Al: Well you see son, all of these washers are white! This is outrageous!
Best Buy Guy: (opens the lid and points inside the machine) Well if you look inside sir, you'll see that all the agitators are black.

A man in Texas is driving with twenty penguins in the bed of his pickup…

…when he is stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper approaches and tells the man that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo immediately as they are non-native and not registered to the man as pets. Right away, officer, replies the man, and off he goes.

The following day, the same man is driving on the same road with the same twenty penguins in the bed of his truck. This time, however, the penguins are all wearing sunglasses and straw hats. Sure enough, the man is stopped by the same officer. After pulling the man over, the officer approaches.

What is the meaning of this? I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday, why are they still in the bed of your truck? Did you really think these disguises would fool me?

They're not disguises, officer, you see I DID take them to the zoo yesterdayβ€”in fact, we had so much fun, we're going to the beach today.

A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'

So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?

The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

So a man walks in to a CVS..

and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size condom he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your condom size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size condom he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".

**tl;dr - handjobs.**

A Russian family gets pulled over...

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. See, the militiaman says, you're drunk. The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs and says Yes, perhaps it is broken, and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, See, I told you is wouldn't hurt to give the kid five grams of vodka.

It's a Saturday evening...

It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"

The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"

The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

A man is driving with his wife and a small child when a cop pulls them over.

A man is driving with his wife and a small child. A cop pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. See, the cop says, you are drunk. The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, Yes, perhaps it is broken, and sends them on their way.

As they drive off, the man turns to his wife and says, See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to give the kid a couple of shots of vodka.

Marx as a Student

In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him.

"I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."

Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, "Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on "Proletariat ideology" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."

The professor was confused. "You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"

"Yes, sir," Marx responded. "So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict."

A man is driving with his wife and small child

A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. "See," the militia man says, "you're drunk."

The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk.

Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child.
When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, "Yes, perhaps it is broken, and sends them on their way.

Out of earshot the man tells his wife, "See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to give the kid a shot of vodka.

A man goes along to the Patent Office...

A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's silly! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor, "you're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

A middle aged man needs to buy condoms, but he doesn't know what size he needs...

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"

An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Large condoms needed at register 3!"

A few minutes later a 16 year old boy walks in with the same dilemma. The woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Clean-up at register 3!"

Here's another godawful joke. Downvote away.

Why was the man banned from the jazz club?

Because he was a registered sax offender.

A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks.
The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!"

The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!"

"on the count of three" says the bartender.
"three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.

The cleaning operation!

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him."She asks, Running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I`m afraid I can't," breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

George's son

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to
the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."

Drunk a grocery store

Drunk guy standing in line at a grocery store looks at the woman in front of him then down at her items at the register.

He says "You must be single"

The woman kinda annoyed but amazed says " OK I'll bite, how did you know that?"

Drunk man looks at her and slurs " Cause you're ugly"

A police officer stopped a man

"Sir, please stop sexually offending that man."

"Don't worry, I'm a registered sex offender."

"My mistake, sir, you may continue."

My dad suggested I register for a donor card

He's a man after my own heart

Did you hear about the man that sexually assaulted a Wal-Mart cashier?

He is a register 6 offender.

Waiting in line

A woman is checking out at the grocery store. She buys a dozen eggs, two boxes of pasta, waffles, a bag of onions, lunch meat, oatmeal, sparkling water and throws on a pack of gum at the register.

The man behind her says "you must be single"

"Why yes I am! Did you figure this out by noticing all the stuff I bought?"

"Nope, it's because you are ugly!"

My dad has suggested that I register to be an organ donor....

I guess he is a man after my own heart.

Wisdom of a drunk

A woman in her mid-thirties went to a local grocery store late at night to buy a few necessities. As she was in line at the register, an extremely intoxicated man got in line behind her holding some liquor.The woman ignored him and the waft of alcohol, but couldn't help notice he was looking her over.

Finally the woman turned and asked what was wrong. The intoxicated man looked at her, at the items she was buying, at her again, then said, "Lady, I bet you're single."

The woman was taken aback. She WAS single, but looking at the apples and milk she was buying, and her modest but clean and fashionable attire, she had no idea what gave the drunk man that idea.

"Why yes, I am single. How did you know?"

"Cuz yer ugly."

Hot and Cold

An old man goes into a shop one day to look around. He goes to the counter and sees an item up on shelf he's never seen before. He's asks the girl who's running the cash register, "What's that new item there on the shelf?"

"It's a thermos," she said. "It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold."

"I'll take one to try then!" The old man says.

The next day, the old man brings the thermos to work, and his buddy comes up to him and asks, "Whatcha got there?"

The old man responds, "It's a thermos."

"Well, what does it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold," the old man chimes back.

Finally, his friend asks, "So, what do you have in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."

A man was shopping for a new bird

He had decided on buying a cockatoo, and the woman at the register asked him if he was sure it was the bird he wanted to buy.
Cockatoos are very needy, and they require a lot of attention and care. They can be very fussy and they can screech likes there's no tomorrow if you don't give them what they want.

Really, that's all? I'm already used to that on a daily basis. The man responded simply with a smile.

Oh? The woman asked, confused.

I have a wife.

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever.
Finally, the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation."
Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."

So a Christian man walks into a Jewish bakery and he looks at all the fantastic breads. He walks up to the cash register and he asks:

How much does your challah cost?
Cashier responds: 6 million

Man Periods

I'd hate to meet the girl of my dreams right now, because I, am on my man-period! No, let me explain: a woman would HATE to meet a sexy guy while on her period, because she knows it would mess up the part of her act where she pretends NOT to be berserk.

A man-period, is that special 2 to 3 days a month, when your unstoppable Juggernaut farts register on a seismograph. My last fart sounded like a tornado went through a bassoon factory. I passed so much gas – Exxon called me up with an extraction lease, and the Department of Defense charted up a contingency plan.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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