Man And Woman Jokes
64 man and woman jokes and hilarious man and woman puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about man and woman that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Man And Woman Short Jokes
Short man and woman jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The man and woman humour may include short men and women jokes also.
- Why did God make man before He made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
- It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78... Because then the man is left with only $0.22...
- A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer. Honest? the woman asks.
No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied. - A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
- What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common? A man who didn't take it out in time.
- A man and a woman meet in a programming class. Suddenly man touches the women's breast. Women: Hey! they are private. Man: But we are in the same class.
- Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19 when all he had to do was to not get tested.
>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!< - What's the difference between iron-man and iron woman? one is a superhero and the other is a command.
- Give me a compliment. A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
- Wonder Woman earned $300 million worldwide in first week. "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.
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Man And Woman One Liners
Which man and woman one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with man and woman? I can suggest the ones about male and female and men women.
- Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Only if he's a billionaire.
Credits to Kevin Hart - I was a man trapped in a woman's body Then my mom gave birth so it's all good now
- Where would man be without a woman? In the garden of Eden.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids weren't much to look at!
- What's the worst three little words a man can hear from a woman? Is it in ?
- How can you tell a man from a woman Well, there's not really a vas deferens
- When does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage? When he gets tired of his own hand.
- What's the name of the operation to change a woman into a man? Addadictomy.
- If a woman marries a man with grandkids Does she become an Instagram?
- I saw a woman attack a man with a jigsaw. He looked puzzled.
- How does an old rich man propose to a young beautiful woman? Will you bury me?
- Who came first? The man or the woman? The man, after about 30 seconds.
- Where would women be without man? W/oman
- Why did Iron Man become a trans woman? Because she realized she was Fe-male!
- What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? The back of my hand.
Happy Man And Woman Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about man and woman you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean married couple jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make man and woman pranks.
A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.
They walk up to God and ask to be married.
God says give me some time and I'll get back to you.
Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.
God responds, "It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
Tribal Wisdom
So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having s**....
The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"
An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
A man and woman live in a two story house.
A man and woman live in a two story house and sleep on the second floor. At 3 a.m. they're awakened by a knock at the front door. The man goes to the window, opens it and looks down but can't see anyone.
"Who's out there?" he asks.
A voice says, "Please help me. I need a push."
"I'm sorry," the man says. "I'm not leaving my house at this hour."
He gets back into bed. His wife says, "Honey, don't you remember when our daughters were stuck in that bad part of Oakland at 3 in the morning, and if that stranger didn't give them a jumpstart, they would been there for hours?"
"Yeah, you're right," the man says. He gets out of bed and returns to the window. "Are you still down there?" he asks.
"Yes."
"Do you still need that push?"
"Yes."
"Where are you?" the man asks.
"I'm over here on your swings."
Man and woman are out on a dinner date.
Waiter: "What will you be having tonight ma'am?"
Woman: "I'll have the salad, no nuts please."
Waiter: "Of course."
Man: "But it didn't say it had nuts."
Woman: "I'm allergic, so I tell them just to be safe."
Man: "That makes sense."
Waiter: "And for you, sir?"
Man: "I'll have the steak, no bees please."
"How many were there?"
A man and woman had been married for some time when the woman began to question her husband.
"I know you've been with a lot of women before," she said. "How many were there?"
The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, but there were more than a couple of women. Let's just leave it at that."
The wife continued to plead. Finally, her husband gave in.
"Let's see," he said. "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a man and woman are divorced, they can still be brother and sister.
A young man and woman hit it off at a gathering
and the conversation soon turns to talking about their families. The girl sighs and says, I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. I'm sorry , the boy says sympathetically . Oh, he's not dead. , replies the girl, Just very condescending.
A couple is driving up to the mountains...
.. and they are in a huge fight. The man and woman are arguing loudly for so long they are tired out. The woman then feels that she should get the last word in, and so as they pass a pasture of cows she turns to her husband and asks "Relatives of yours?" The man replies "Yes, in-laws."
A man and woman get a divorce.
They go to the courthouse and the judge wants to hear why they want a divorce.
The woman starts and says that they are too compatible. She says how they like the same movies, music, sports, books, and hobbies.
The judge perplexed asks why this is grounds for divorce.
She says the compatibility is just too good that they even like the same men.
A man and woman are in a heated argument while they're shopping.
As they're going down the escalator on their way to another store, the argument dies down. At the bottom, the family man in front of them says well, that de-escalated quickly
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
who enjoys s**... more - man or woman?
A man and woman got into an argument over who enjoyed s**... more.
The man argued,"Of course men enjoy s**... more than women, no doubt about it!".
The woman replied,"Oh yeah? Well tell me this if your ears itch and you put in your finger inside and wiggle a bit and remove it, which feels better the ear or finger?
Man and woman in a restaurant.
Woman accidently farts. She says:
-I hope this will stay just between us.
Man answers:
-I hope it will disperse...
AMA Request: Kim Davis.
I would like to hear her answer this question, for she seems uniquely qualified to do so:
If a man and woman from Kentucky get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?
A man and woman get on an elevator. He pushes a button and says, I'm on the second floor—where are you going? She replies,
to two too.
A woman dies and goes to Heaven
There she is found by St Peter and is escorted to where she'll reside for the rest of her days. As they walk through Heaven,they go through a giant hallway full of clocks. "What are these clocks on the wall",she asks St Peter. "Every man and woman on earth has a personal clock and everytime he or she commits a sin,the clock ticks". "Ohhh...and where's my husband's clock?" she asks."Ahh,we've been using this one in Jesus' office as an air fan"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man and Woman are getting it on for the first time
She takes his socks off and notices his gnarly toes
"What happen to your toes?" she asks
he says " when i was a child i suffered from Toelio"
She says "you mean Polio?
He says "no it's like polio but of the toes"
She isn't willing to let this stop her. And she slides his pants down and notices his oddly colored weirdly shaped knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asks
"in my teens i had the kneesles" he says
She said "you mean the measles?"
he says "no it's like the measles but of the knees"
Still this won't stop her. She slides his boxers down. She giggles and says "let me guess...smallcox"
A man and woman are walking at night through a cold, dark forest.
I don't like this place. It's scary and I'm cold, declares the woman.
You're scared?! the man replies, you're not the one who has to walk back all alone!
Why didn't set theory become a branch of mathematics until the mid 1800's?
Before then, the only legal union was between man and woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German man and woman are having s**..., and an American walks in...
The American shouts "g**...!" and turns away. The German man looks toward him and smiles, saying "Danke!"
Marriage to the end?
So, this man and woman are married 44 years and the woman dies, then a few months later the man dies. When he gets to heaven, his wife runs up to him and says, "Hey baby!" and he says,"Sorry honey, death's done us part."
A man and woman were on their first date.
The woman was trying to make conversation and said, "So I hear you hunt deer."
The man looked away and turned red.
"What's wrong?" asked the woman.
"I'm not used to someone calling me dear on the first date," the man said.
The man and woman
What can a woman do to a billioanaire man?
A millionaire.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and woman go out to a fancy restaurant
When they walk in, they see the host is an attractive young man. The woman walks up to him and says "I'm interested in a q**...." The young host is flustered and quickly finds them a table. Just as they sit down, the server walks up to take their order. Again, the woman says "I'm interested in a q**...." The server is also flustered, quickly takes their drink orders and leaves. When he returns with the drinks, he's accompanied by the manager. Once more, the woman says to them both "I'm interested in a q**...." The manager is stunned, but before he can say anything, the woman turns to her date and says, "See? I told you it was pronounced quiche!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A middle aged man and woman......
......meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a v**...."
The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds:
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...............God I miss him"
Burial Plans
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down, and I know he won't ask for directions."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A middle-aged man and woman are getting ready to go out for the evening...
The man is n**..., standing in front of his bedroom mirror.
Honey, I can't believe I'm turning 50 in just a few months. Look at how old I've gotten! My belly is sticking out, I have wrinkles and liver spots all over, and I'm losing my hair. I feel so bad about myself
Then he turns to his wife and says:
Did you hear me? I'm feeling down and I need you to tell me something good about me
The wife looks up from her book, adjusts her glasses, and says:
Well, at least you still have 20/20 vision
Who will have child's custody
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
Friendship between man and woman.
Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
___
*This is a repost but I really think we should never let this die.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he suddenly died. After the burial, his wife's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman were waiting at a hospital donation centre.
The man asks the woman, "What are you here to donate?"
The woman replies, "I'm here to give my blood. The hospital is going to pay me $5 for it."
"Good on you! I'm here to donate s**...," says the man, "The hospital is going to pay me $25 for it."
The woman woman looked thoughtful for a brief moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
The man asks the woman, "Here to donate blood again?"
The woman shakes her head with her mouth closed and replies with a muffled, "Unh unh."
A man and woman meet through a sneeze
A man sees a woman sitting alone at a bar.
He starts to walk over when she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he instinctively snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back into place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you." He agrees.
The woman is charming, stunningly pretty, and he realizes they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most wonderful woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy?"
"No," she answers. "You just happened to catch my eye."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I believe we should give every gay man and woman their own home.
So they can all become homowners.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
man and woman relationship
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
A man's logic
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
Annoying Husband
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could heard deep into the night the old man would shout,"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and comeback and haunt you for the rest of your life."
Neighbours feared him.They believed he practised black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, be died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbours, concerned for her safety asked. "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come hack to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The psychologist shows the patient a Rorschach image....
The psychologist shows the patient a Rorschach image and asks the patient what he sees. "That's a man and a woman on a bed about to have s**...!" says the patient.
He shows him another.
"That's a man and woman on a bed starting to have s**...." And another.... "That's a man and woman on a bed and they're really going at it having s**...."
The psychologist then tells the patient "I think you are obsessed with s**...."
But, doctor" says the patient, "That's not fair. You're the one showing the dirty pictures."
Mean Old Man
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather passed away early this morning. To commemerate him, here is a favorite joke of his
A man and woman were on their honeymoon after a quick courtship. They met, fell, and love, and were quickly married. On their honeymoon, they decide to go for a horse ride through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the wifes's horse mis-steps and jostles the her. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the wife's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the wife's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the wife's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a p**... from his jacket, and shoots the horse dead.
The wife, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
A man and woman have been married for fifty years
However, both find that they are struggling to remember things like the used to, so they decide to go to the doctor's. He sees them separately and tells them that they both have Alzheimer's. They are understandably upset by this news, but the husband turns to his wife and says "look, we are no different than yesterday! Tell you what, it is supposed to be lovely weather tomorrow, we will go to the beach like we used to."
She agrees and off they go the next day. They have a lovely time sunbathing, then the wife decides she wants an ice cream. The husband agrees and gets ready to get up when she says "wait, don't you want me to write it down for you so you don't forget?"
He replies "I'm not an idiot, I'm capable of remembering two ice creams!"
"Are you sure? I want nuts and sauces..."
"No," he said, "it is fine. I will see you soon." So he leaves.
The man is gone for hours and his wife is getting deeply concerned when he finally shows up again, two burgers in hand. She sees this, shakes her head and says "oh you idiot, you forgot the chips!"
The Cask of Amor-illado.
A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn't be given driver's licenses!
The woman sighs and points to the wreckage. Look at our cars. Completely destroyed, yet we are unhurt...it must be a sign from God. He's telling us the sexes should be compatible, and live in peace together.
Swayed by this profound sentiment, the man pauses and replies, "Maybe you're right...it could be a sign from God. Then he shakes his head. You're still at fault in this accident! Women shouldn't be allowed to drive!
The woman smiles evenly and says, But look here--another miracle. Although my car was completely destroyed, this bottle of red wine escaped, uninjured. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together, to celebrate our good fortune.
With a generous nod, she hands the bottle to the man. The man shrugs, accepts the wine and drains half of it immediately--in one long, glorious draught. With a dramatic flourish, he passes the bottle back to his new spiritual companion. The woman puts the cap back on and drops it in her handbag, zipping it tightly.
The man glances at her. Aren't you having any?
No…think I'll just wait for the police...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That's one.
A man and woman were on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to go for a horse ride through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the wifes's horse mis-steps and jostles her. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the wife's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the wife's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the wife's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a p**... from his jacket, and shoots the horse dead.
The wife, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
Possibly the same nursing home.
An old man and woman become very close at a nursing home. He wants to take their friendship to the next level, but the old woman doesn't want to. He convinces her one day to "just hold it". She does this end enjoys being intimate with a man again. They continue this every day at the same time, in the same room, just her holding the old man's business.
One day she walks into the room at the usual time, but the old man is already in there with another woman.
Absolutely heartbroken, she cries out, "What does she have that I don't!"
The old man replies, "Parkinson's!"
:/
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donating s**...
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate s**..., myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
About a week later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman (shaking her head): "Mnph Mnph!"
Let's pretend
A man and woman, strangers to each other, were assigned to the same sleeper car for an overnight train trip. Because it was late and both were very tired, they agreed to accept what fate had dealt them. The man took the upper berth, and the woman crawled into the lower berth. In the middle of the night, it became awfully chilly, and the man gently awakened the woman to ask whether she would get him another blanket from the storage area. "I have a better idea," she said. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we are married." "Wow!" the man replied. "That's a great idea." "Good," said the woman. "Get your own blanket."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
$20 dollars for s**...
I man and woman get married, on the night of their wedding, the man approaches his wife, ready to make love for the first time. She smiles sweetly and sticks her hand out. "That will be $20 please!" He goes along with her game and gives her $20. As the years of their marriage go by, she continues her little $20 game, always requesting it before making love to her husband. He figures this is just her cute little way of getting spending cash for her clothes and lunch with her girl friends, so he always obeys.
After 30 years of marriage, he comes home one day, and tells his wife he has been fire from his job, they are broke, they have no retirement! She gathers her check book and shows him many lists of $20 deposits into a savings account. He realizes what she has been doing all a long, and says to her, "d**..., if I would have known what you were doing I would have given you all my business."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.
They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed.
Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a v**..., I would have been more careful with her.”
The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my p**....”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man and woman got married. At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet. Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances. Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife. One day, though, the wife had a s**... and was rushed to the hospital. As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon. The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side. "Well" she said, "I suppose now would be the right time." The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside. On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars! "Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll," said the wife. The husband was thrilled and thankful. He absolutely couldn't believe his wife had only been mad at him two times! "That is amazing!" said the husband to his wife. "Honey, I'm grateful beyond belief you've only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?" "Oh, honey" said the wife, "That's the money I got from selling the dolls."
