Males Jokes

What are some Males jokes?

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Me: I don't know; how many?

Son: Ten tickles.

Me: Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.

Son: Huh?

Me: Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?

Son: No; how?

Me: Test tickles.

Son: ...

Son: ...that's inappropriate.

They say cow manure come from males.

But that's bullshit.

You always hear about alpha males and beta males, but I'd prefer to be a gamma male

They have a higher rate of penetration...

A man walks into a pharmacy

A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males employed here. Sir, how can I help you? I am a pharmacist & I will be professional."
The man pondered over this & then said, "Well. OK. Every day, I have an erection that lasts for 3 hours. I don't take any pills. It's just a natural occurrence. What can you give me for it?"
The pharmacist thought about it for a moment, then said, "Let me call my sister. Wait right here." She came back a few minutes later & said, "Here's what we can offer you: 1/3 ownership of the store, a company truck, a king size waterbed, & $3000/month living expenses."

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yup. 3 males. 2 females" He responded.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on the beer can, and 2 were on the phone"

*Incredible*

Permanent erection

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is one third ownership in the store and 3000 Dollars a month in living expenses."

Man goes to the pharmacy........

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

My wife asked what I was up to in the kitchen with the fly swatter.,

I said, killing flies

she replies, killed any?

Yes , I said, 3 males & 2 females

Intrigued she asks, how do you know the sex?

Well, easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter...

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

I asked a German doctor about the anatomical differences between males and females...

I don't think he knows, cause he answered "Vas deferens?".

3 years ago during my first reservists training

I am from Singapore and all relatively healthy males need to serve the army for 2 years and 10 reservist cycles

During my first reservists, many of our combat boots start to fall apart due to the adhesive hardening up and breaking apart, thus many of us have to walk to the store to purchase new boots while wearing the boots that were disintegrating with every step

There is only 1 route and it is a walk by the road, and many boots do not hold itself together long enough to reach the store

I call this road

*The road of lost soles*

A woman walks into the kitchen...

And sees her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"Killing flies?" She asked.

"Yep, two males and three females," he responded.

"How can you tell?"

"Easy, the boys were on the beer and the girls were on the phone!"

What is a pirates favourite letter

It is clearly double D as they are mostly males who can't stand a sunken chest and no booty.

(New original take on old joke)

Why do 95% of black males like sex in the shower?

The other 5% aren't in jail.

Why are Jewish males circumcised?

Because they know Jewish females can't resist anything that's 10% off

How many cis-gender white males does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. And it would be his privilege to help out.

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

An English professor wrote these words...

a woman without her man is nothing

On the board and asked his students to punctuate correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote a woman, without her man, is nothing.

However, all of the women wrote, a woman: without her, man is nothing.

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:

'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

Between biological males and biological females...

...there's quite a vas deferens.

All those transgender "males" offended by my quotations....

Really need to grow a pair.

Doctor and Lady

Doctor: You are looking so weak and exhausted! Are you properly taking 3 meals a day as I had advised?

Lady: Oh my god! I heard 3 males a day.

My Biology teacher told me ants are female

The males are called uncles

At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating

The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.

The person who won the competition wrote....

"My wife is sleeping."







He also received standing ovation from the audience.

More changes to the military

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all ship personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.
Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.

Are there any questions?"

A Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired...

"How much for a season pass?"

God bless the Marine Corps!!!

What do dwarves and hipsters have in common? (just made this joke up, help me if I can word it better)

They're underground, and it's hard to tell males from females.

or something like that =)

How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?

Both of them.

I enjoy jokes, but jokes about giving facials to gay or bisexual males?

Come on guys

At a welcome seminar at a senior assisted living facility...

...the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be of limits for all males, and likewise the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time".

He continued "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired... "How much for a season pass?"

Queen Bee

The queen honey bee has sex with up to 40 males per day.

Just like your mom.

A mans monkey was very sick...

...so he took it to the vet.

Doctor: "Bobo will need a new brain"

Man: "How much will it cost?"

Doctor: "$5000 for a males brain, $3000 for a females"

Man: "Why the price difference?"

Doctor: "The female brain is used"

Fly Swatter

A woman arrives in the kitchen and sees her husband with a fly swatter and says "What are you doing?"

He replies: "I'm chasing the flies..."
She asks "Did you kill them?"

He says "As a matter of fact, yes, 3 males and 2 females

Intrigued, she asks him: "How do you make the difference between females and males?"

He answers: "3 were on the beer can, 2 on the phone."

Husband talking to wife

Wife - What are you doing?

Husband - Killing flys.

Wife - How many did you kill?

Husband - Total 7, 3 females and 4 males.

Wife - How do you know their gender?

Husband - 3 near mirror and 4 near beer :)

The US government are now forcing all under 25 year old fit and healthy American males to work for the Bank of America immediately or face criminal detention.

They've decided to become a BoA Conscripter.

There are 3 keys that unite all males on the planet

Cntrl, shift, and N

Scientists have proven that females can express their emotions better than males.

As a man, that information makes me feel...something...

2 males kissing ain't gay

It's homiesexual

What do women and Tony Stark have in common?

They are both Fe Males.

Aparently 30% of males go on a diet before going on holiday. I cheated

And just took a fat girlfriend to the beach

The introduction of Yoga Pants have been found to be the cause of a 0.65 drop in the GPA of Males.

I dont have significant data to back this up, But i have some notes from college that show causation.

Why do Jedis make bad marriage counsellors?

Their only advice to males is "use the force".

What do you call a bear that's into both males and females?

Bipolar

After World War 2, birth rates and the libido among Japanese males was at an all-time low. Why?

They lost their tojo.

Why are pandas so bad at procreating?

Because the males eat shoots and leaves

New study confirms white males are the most oppressed people in America

sike.

How to make Males puns?

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