males Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious males puns

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Me: I don't know; how many?

Son: Ten tickles.

Me: Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.

Son: Huh?

Me: Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?

Son: No; how?

Me: Test tickles.

Son: ...

Son: ...that's inappropriate.

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They say cow manure come from males.

But that's bullshit.

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You always hear about alpha males and beta males, but I'd prefer to be a gamma male

They have a higher rate of penetration...

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A man walks into a pharmacy

A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males employed here. Sir, how can I help you? I am a pharmacist & I will be professional."
The man pondered over this & then said, "Well. OK. Every day, I have an erection that lasts for 3 hours. I don't take any pills. It's just a natural occurrence. What can you give me for it?"
The pharmacist thought about it for a moment, then said, "Let me call my sister. Wait right here." She came back a few minutes later & said, "Here's what we can offer you: 1/3 ownership of the store, a company truck, a king size waterbed, & $3000/month living expenses."

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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yup. 3 males. 2 females" He responded.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on the beer can, and 2 were on the phone"

*Incredible*

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Permanent erection

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is one third ownership in the store and 3000 Dollars a month in living expenses."

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Man goes to the pharmacy........

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

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72 Virgins

Abdulla tried to contact the soul of his cousin, Naved, who had exploded himself as a suicide bomber.

Abdulla wanted to know whether the 'Jihad' legend is true...
especially about the 72 virgins they get.

So he asked 'How is the social life bro ?'

Naved said 'Amazing bro. I can pick any female. They wont object. Both males and females roam around naked. Nobody bothers. I do it round the clock. It's ultimate.'

Abdulla says 'Holy shit ! Is that how Heaven is ?'

Naved says 'No bro.
Not Heaven.. I am reborn as a street dog in Karachi...😝

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My wife asked what I was up to in the kitchen with the fly swatter.,

I said, killing flies

she replies, killed any?

Yes , I said, 3 males & 2 females

Intrigued she asks, how do you know the sex?

Well, easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone

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Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter...

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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Who experiences more pain, men or women?

One day, two couples were sitting on a porch drinking iced tea. While talking, the topic of which sex experiences the worse pain in their life, males or females? The females said it was obvious; women experience the worse pain through childbirth.
The men respectfully disagreed by saying getting kicked in the balls hurt more. When asked to justify their argument, one of the men simply said "No male gets kicked in the nuts and turns to their wife in a year or two and says 'Honey, let's have another one.'"

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I asked a German doctor about the anatomical differences between males and females...

I don't think he knows, cause he answered "Vas deferens?".

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A woman walks into the kitchen...

And sees her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"Killing flies?" She asked.

"Yep, two males and three females," he responded.

"How can you tell?"

"Easy, the boys were on the beer and the girls were on the phone!"

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3 years ago during my first reservists training

I am from Singapore and all relatively healthy males need to serve the army for 2 years and 10 reservist cycles

During my first reservists, many of our combat boots start to fall apart due to the adhesive hardening up and breaking apart, thus many of us have to walk to the store to purchase new boots while wearing the boots that were disintegrating with every step

There is only 1 route and it is a walk by the road, and many boots do not hold itself together long enough to reach the store

I call this road

*The road of lost soles*

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My wife walked into the kitchen to find me stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" I responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," I replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
I responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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What is a pirates favourite letter

It is clearly double D as they are mostly males who can't stand a sunken chest and no booty.

(New original take on old joke)

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Why do 95% of black males like sex in the shower?

The other 5% aren't in jail.

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Why are Jewish males circumcised?

Because they know Jewish females can't resist anything that's 10% off

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How many cis-gender white males does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. And it would be his privilege to help out.

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Males ejaculate at 27 mph. That explains why its illegal to do it in a school zone.

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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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husband in the kitchen

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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An English professor wrote these words...

a woman without her man is nothing

On the board and asked his students to punctuate correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote a woman, without her man, is nothing.

However, all of the women wrote, a woman: without her, man is nothing.

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I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:

'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

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What are you doing?

Wife asked: What are u doing?

Husband: Am Killing mosquitoes?

Wife: How many did u kill?

Husband: Total 5. Two females, 3 males.

Wife: How do u know their genders?

Husband: 2 were near my wallet and 3 near the beer bottle.

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Between biological males and biological females...

...there's quite a vas deferens.

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All those transgender "males" offended by my quotations....

Really need to grow a pair.

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Doctor and Lady

Doctor: You are looking so weak and exhausted! Are you properly taking 3 meals a day as I had advised?

Lady: Oh my god! I heard 3 males a day.

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My Biology teacher told me ants are female

The males are called uncles

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What do dwarves and hipsters have in common? (just made this joke up, help me if I can word it better)

They're underground, and it's hard to tell males from females.

or something like that =)

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More changes to the military

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all ship personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.
Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.

Are there any questions?"

A Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired...

"How much for a season pass?"

God bless the Marine Corps!!!

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At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating

The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.

The person who won the competition wrote....

"My wife is sleeping."







He also received standing ovation from the audience.

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I enjoy jokes, but jokes about giving facials to gay or bisexual males?

Come on guys

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They say that 15% of males don't get enough fibre in their diet...

...I guess it's tough shit for them!

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What are the most funny Males jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Males? Well, here are the best Males dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Males pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes