making Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious making stories

What are the best Making puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Making? Well here is a complete list of Making to have fun with:

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in numbers had never bothered him before.

Get it?



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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

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My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

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Accidental dad joke

So I was making soda in my Soda Stream for some friends that were over. For those that don't know a soda stream is a little c02 pump you get at target that carbonates water for you. Anyways, you're only supposed to pump it like 4-5 times. I wanted it super fizzy so I was pumping it way more than that. One of my friends goes "It's not going to get any fizzier" to which i said "trust me it will, what are you a fucking physicist?" Everyone started giggling. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. They all thought i made a clever play on the word physicist (fizz-icist), but I didn't. After I realized they thought that I just went with it. That's now my go to soda joke.

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I'm making a graph of my past relationships...

I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

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Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"
"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"

"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?"

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"

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The Sexist Professor

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity.
The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: " and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!"
At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I'm making...

...then they call me ugly and poor.

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I've started a business crafting small figurines of Jesus.

I'm only making a little prophet.

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No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death

God hates gags.

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Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

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The Three Paddies Meet a Wizard

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman are walking in the woods when they stumble across an old sex wizard down on his luck. "Wishes for a tenner!" shouts the wizard. "I'll give you anything you like, but I'm sick and tired of making knobs bigger, so don't ask!"

Without wasting a second, Paddy Englishman hands the wizard a ten pound note. "I want my wife to be ten times more adventurous in bed."

The sex wizard nods. "Uxor non inhibitoris! An easy one! It is done!"

Paddy Scotsman counts out nine pound coins and two 50 pence pieces. "My wife and I are happy enough, but I'm terrified of becoming a grandfather before I'm 50. I'd be obliged if you could fix it so my teenage daughters can't get pregnant before they're 25."

The sex wizard nods. "Filiae non fertilismus! Very wise! It is done!"

The sex wizard turns to Paddy Irishman, who has his hands planted firmly in his pockets and looks ready to move on. "No wish for you?"

"I'll save my tenner," says Paddy Irishman, with a grin. "These boys have me covered!"

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

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There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day.....

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

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During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in.

The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. They share all they have with him and even throw a celebration that evening. The spy blends in perfectly, he speaks Russian with no accent, he knows all the songs, dances kazachok with the best of them and drinks all the Russians under the table with vodka.

At the end of the night, one of the villagers slaps him on the back and says with a wink: You know, Igor, we really like you! But we know that you're an American spy!

Igor becomes sad: But… I studied with the best, for years! What did I do wrong, how could you tell after just one day?!

But Igor, says the Russian with a smile, you're black!

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Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases?

I'm surprised if you haven't, they're making lots of headlines.

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My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.

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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging...

...that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

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Are you a VIRGIN?

Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Joe was amazed!

"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"

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Smith & Wesson Joke

A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:

Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.

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Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people.

They already have enough on their plates.

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Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

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My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.


Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

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Vacation in Jamaica

Lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Β Upon arriving, she meets a black
man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What
is your name?'

'I can't tell you,' the black Β man says.

Every night they meet and every night Β she asks him again what his
name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her
last Β night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?'

'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the black Β man.

'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' Β the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!' Β the Β black man replies. And the lady bursts
into laughter, and the black man gets mad and Β says, ' I knew you
would make fun of it'.

The Β lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm Β thinking of
my husband who won't believe me when I Β tell him that I enjoyed 10 inches
of Snow every day in Β Jamaica.πŸ’ƒπŸ—»πŸ†

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Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

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So I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking..

We've just shot the pilot.

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I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I'm making today

It said: "Pineapples: five cubed."

I'm not sure though, 125 will probably be too many.

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For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

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My blonde girlfriend froze

In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".

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Making out with a blind girl...

I made out with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "Nah, You're just pulling my leg."

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Last Names.

It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.

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I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems

The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

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So my Dad walked in on me making out with my girlfriend

I was naturally very embarrased, as I didn't want my parents to know I had a girlfriend and make a big deal about it. But my Dad said to me, "Don't worry son, I won't tell your mother, this will be our little secret".

The next day I'm eating breakfast with my family. My Mom says to me, "Son, where did that hickey on your neck come from?". In response I say, "This is me and Dad's little secret".

Afterwards, everyone at the table got really quiet.

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Eyes

Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to eachother. One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love. "I did once" the other responds, "But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes". The first, looking confused: "Why was that?"

"Because she was looking from outside through the window!"

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Have you heard about the corduroy pillows?

They're making head lines.

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Two construction workers

Two workers were busy in a construction work of a multi-storeyed building. One of them (Worker A) was standing on a plank outside the 5th floor, while the other (Worker B) was watching him from the ground. Suddenly Worker A realised that he didn't have the hammer. So he shouts to worker B.

Worker A: "I need a hammer."

No response from Worker B. Realising that Worker B couldn't hear him, Worker A started making hand gesture.

Worker A's gesture: Points finger at himself (I), then taps his 'knee' with his hand (need) and then shook his hand to represent a hammer.

After watching him, Worker B unzipped his pant, took out his prick and starts masturbating. Worker A got furious, he gets inside the building and goes downstair to yell at Worker B.

Worker A: "Wtf are you doing? All I was saying that I need a hammer."

Worker B: "I know what you mean. And I was saying that I am coming."

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THIS JUST IN!!!!!

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.........

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The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.


"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."


"Why's that, Clem?"


"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."


"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"

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Never Mess with Kids

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said, Let's talk .

Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ?

Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power?

Kid:
Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question…
Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps.
Why?

Man: I don't know.

Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don't know shit.. ?

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I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.

I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

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Hi Alan – It's John from next door. I need to talk to you about

something I am very ashamed of and know you will probably be quite angry about. The last 3 months we have been sharing your wife. Not every day, but at least 3 times a week and my girlfriend found out yesterday and is making me tell you. I didn't want to tell you face to face so decide to message you. Sorry buddy.

Damn Straight it wont happen again says Alan as he stares at the screen of his phone. With this, he goes to the bedroom, takes his gun and goes into the kitchen where his other half is preparing dinner. Without a word he shoots her twice in the head.

As her lifeless body drops to the floor, Alan's phone receives another message: John again from next door – stupid autocorrect, sure you saw the typo. Anyway we have our own router and broadband now, it wont happen again.

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What did the Nazi say to the clock that only went: "tick ____ tick ____ tick ____" ?

"Ve have Vays of making you tock!"

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Did you hear about corduroy pillow cases?

They're making all the headlines!

Never said it was a good joke...

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The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

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A couple of newlyweds on were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate love making commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a virgin."


The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best making jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty making gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these making jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Making jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

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