Makeup Jokes
120 makeup jokes and hilarious makeup puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about makeup that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is full of makeup jokes that will have you looking in the mirror and laughing out loud. From foundation problems to powder puff pranks, there's something for everyone in this collection of beauty humor. So, whether you're a makeup maven or just looking for a laugh, check out these funny makeup jokes.
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Funniest Makeup Short Jokes
Short makeup jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The makeup humour may include short mascara jokes also.
- A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup. I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.
- Dodged the bullet A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.
- After Trump dies, at his eulogy the priest says: he is today how he was as president.. Wearing make-up and lying in front of us
- My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup. Me: You don't need makeup.
GF: Aww thanks
Me: You need plastic surgery - She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...." He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."
She: "How nice, you are so sweet."
He: "You need plastic surgery." - My girlfriend isn't just beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well. She must have a great genetic makeup.
- LESBIAN DIET Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time. - iPhone X has face recognition... so girls aren't gonna be able to unlock their phones when they take their makeup off
- A friend of mine is going to cosmetology school... I told her all the tests will be make-up exams.
- An old Russian anecdote I was driving to work one morning when I saw a woman in a neighboring car doing her makeup at the wheel. I was so surprised that I nearly dropped my razor into my coffee!
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Makeup One Liners
Which makeup one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with makeup? I can suggest the ones about cosmetic and lipstick.
- Why are there so few female politicians? It's hard to put makeup on two faces.
- My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons.
- What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital? Cos-medics
- Testing makeup on animals is WRONG... They are cute enough already.
- Why did the blonde have makeup on her forehead? I told her to make up her mind.
* - If you miss a day in cosmetology school... Do you have to do a make-up test?
- Don't send a noble gas as a make-up present. They change nothing.
- Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory? It was a total mascara.
- Why did the DNA chain blush? It was part of his genetic makeup.
- Girls be sweating their makeup off at work Call that a 9 to 5
- What is a lemur's favorite type of make-up? Madagascara
- I almost failed out of beauty school But they let me take a make-up exam
- A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me. Boy, eyelashed out.
- What do you call an STD that loves makeup? Glamydia
- I put makeup on a rabid marsupial And called him Insane Clown Opossum
Too Much Makeup Jokes
Here is a list of funny too much makeup jokes and even better too much makeup puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When my wife was putting on her makeup, I told her that she had put too much arch in her eyebrows. She looked surprised.
- You know what made me realized I put on too much makeup today? When Batman suddenly attacked me
- Why does it take Hillary Clinton so much time to get ready in the morning? It takes a lot of time to put make-up on both faces.
- Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen h**....
- What do you call a s**... girl with too much makeup in an exam? Blonde roux.
Makeup Artist Jokes
Here is a list of funny makeup artist jokes and even better makeup artist puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Girl I think you should become a makeup artist. Said the Abusive Father.
- "My makeup artist is terrible," I told my buddy. "Hey," said my makeup artist, overhearing me. "Don't make me look bad."
I said, "No...don't make ME look bad." - Why do zombie films cost less to produce in Europe than in the States? They don't have to pay the makeup artist to do the teeth.
- Why do they call the make-up artists? Because they're not real artists.
- Girl I think you really have a career as a makeup artist said the Abusive Father
Genetic Makeup Jokes
Here is a list of funny genetic makeup jokes and even better genetic makeup puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do DNA look so good under the microscope? Because they have on good genetic makeup
- What do you call a gnome's genetic makeup? A g-nome.
Happy Makeup Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about makeup you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nail polish jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make makeup pranks.
A blonde motorist is pulled over by a blonde policewoman for speeding.
The female cop asks for the blonde's drivers licence. The blonde motorist asks 'Sorry officer, what does it look like?'
The policewoman replies 'It's a small rectangular thing with your picture on it'.
The blond gives the policewoman her make-up mirror.
The blonde cop responds with 'I think we can forget the speeding fine. I didn't realize you're a policewoman too.'
Did you guys hear the one about the mascara and the lipstick?
The relationship was alright, but the make-up s**... was amazing.
Three ladies meet up for a drink
Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driving her car. The blonde cop says "You were going pretty fast back there. Can I see your license?"
The blonde driver looks confused.
The blonde cop says "Its a little square thing with your picture on it"
The blonde driver reaches in her bag and hands the cop her makeup mirror.
The cop takes the mirror, looks at it and exclaims "Well why didn't you tell me you were a cop? On you go. Have a great day".
My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up s**....
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they stink
Browser History: Man vs. Woman
Woman's Browser History:
Pintrest
Pintrest
Pintrest
Makeup Tutorial
Makeup Tutorial
Makeup Tutorial
Makeup Tutorial
Shoes
Shoes
Shoes
Man's Browser History:
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What's the best part about a r**... family fight?
The makeup s**...
What happened after the eyeliner and mascara got in a fight?
They had make-up s**....
A blonde is speeding down the highway...
When a female officer, another blonde, spots her and pulls her over. She asks the driver for her license...
Blonde driver says, "What's that?"
Blonde Officer : "Its a square with your face on it."
The blonde driver ruffles through her bag and after a few seconds produces a square make-up mirror and hands it to the blonde officer. The officer looks into the mirror and says to the driver, "Why didn't you tell me you were a cop? I woulda let you go!"
How do You Tell if a Woman is a Feminist
If the boring clothes, weight problem, lack of makeup or angry demeanour doesn't give it away, she'll tell you within 2 minutes.
Why do girls wear perfume and makeup?
Because they're ugly and they smell bad
My friend was putting lipstick on her forehead
She said she was trying to make-up her mind
How can Rihanna tell when Chris Brown's cheating on her?
The brand of makeup on his knuckle isn't hers.
Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial
SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money
What did the lipstick and the eye-shadow do after they got into a fight?
Had makeup s**...
The racing driver
The racing driver can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.
With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.
"There's the problem," says the engineer. "Too much drag."
I love make-up s**... with my wife.
But I always get my mascara all over my jammies.
Women fall in love with what they hear and men with what they see
That's why men lie and women wear make-up.
I saw a t**... that looked EXACTLY like Gwen Stefani... with the hair, lashes, makeup, skinny pants, heels, the whole nine.
I was like, "Don't speak"
My grandmother was recently diagnosed with dementia, so she has no short term memory.
Which really puts a damper on the make-up s**....
What happens every time Gene Simmons gets in a fight with his band mates?
They Kiss and makeup
Husband on second day of marriage :-
He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"
I missed the first day of cosmetology school...
I had to take a makeup class.
My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore...
My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would need to quit.
Then I caught her buying expensive makeups.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.
A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced
When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:
"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"
"Because he's considering getting married"
Why are there such few women in politics?
Because it's hard enough for women to put makeup on one face.
A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop
Blonde cop: May I see your driving license?
Blonde driver: Driving license? What's that?
Blonde cop: The thing with your face on it
Blonde driver: Alright
Blonde driver: Reaches in her handbag and hands over her makeup mirror to the cop
Blonde Cop: Sorry, we didn't know you were a police woman as well. Carry on!
My friends all call me a chick magnet.
However due to my lack of ferromagnetic material in my chemical makeup I can can't seem to think of what repels all these girls.
Of course.
Two blondes are walking along and they find a compact (for make-up) on the sidewalk.
The first blonde picks it up, opens it and looks in the little mirror.
Oh! , she says. This person looks very familiar!
The other blonde grabs the compact, looks in the mirror and says,
Well of course, you d**.... It's ME!
Two midget asians sit atop each other and get makeup to look Caucasian for a movie, the director says no because
two wongs don't make a white
Two old ladys meeting at the graveyard
Two old ladys meeting at the graveyard.
As one of the old ladys starts to put on some makeup the other one asks:
'May I ask how old you are?'
'76'
'Why are you using makeup then?'
'May I ask how old YOU are?'
'I am 90 years old'
'Why are you even going home?'
I keep keep seeing all these pictures from Demi Lovato's overdose
And here I thought it was just a before makeup picture
I came up with some new eye makeup that tastes good too...
it's called Chicken Tikka Mascara
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to t**... blindfold.
Him: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The other day, I'm checking my buddy's engine
Out of nowhere, he tells me about the journey he took to find the woman he felt was inside him all along. But after a day of wearing make-up and a sundress, he knew it didn't feel right. And that's when I discovered his faulty trans mission.
They say make-up s**... is the best, which is great news for me.
Because all my s**... is made up.
My friend Ara and I agreed to meet up a mask party.
When I got there she was wearing a mask completely made of Makeup.
I looked at her and said, That's some nice mask Ara.
Courtesy of my 8 year old: Why did the lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation keep fighting each other?
Because they could never makeup!
A couple are talking on the phone and they say:
"I'm nearly done, just doing my make-up"
"You don't need make-up honey"
"Aww thanks!"
"You need plastic surgery"
If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...
I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them
Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen
They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say,
Sharon is Karen
Russian to get to the punchline
Why was Putin late for the party he was PUTIN on some makeup!
Why was Stalin late for the party he was STALIN for time!
Why was Lenin late for the party he was waiting for his LENIN to dry!
Why was Trotsky late for the party he got into a car c**....
Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic?
A mortician
Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !
So a boss walks into his business meeting
He sits at the head of the table and says
We need to stop testing our products on animals
One of his employees exclaim Why?! Makeup brands do it all the time!
He turns to her and says Susan? We make hammers, what do you not understand!
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
Since other people liked the turkish joke I translated, here's another one
Nasreddin Hodja was on his deathbed. He called her wife and told her to dress up nicely and wear makeup. She was confused about why he wanted that, so she asked him why.
Well, when the reaper comes he might like you more and take you with him instead of me.
Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry?
Because we live in a mask era.
Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.
Call it *Mulan Rouge*
Stung...
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a n**... insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."
There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.
He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I s**... a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son!"
Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on m**... cigarettes.
That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.
Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?
A: Because they like to take makeup tests!
A pizza walks by two pancakes
Pancake: " Look at that b**... with all that make-up!"
The Halloween costume
A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a werewolf," the guy replies. "How's that? You're not dressed up at all," the bartender says. "Well, it's not a full moon tonight, now is it Mr. Smart Guy?" the guy replies.
They say make-up s**... is the best s**......
Great, because all of my s**... is made up. And now I know I'm not missing out.
