makes Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious makes puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"


At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

"Dave, is that you?".

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How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

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Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

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Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

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A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.



The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time."

"But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks.

**"Well, then I just call them by their last names."**

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A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

We'll do it.

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.......

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

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TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

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It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

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Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

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TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...it's correct

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What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

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A husband and wife were grocery shopping ...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

"So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband.

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The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, AndrΓ©, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks AndrΓ© about his secret. AndrΓ© replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

"Is that you, AndrΓ©?".

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I asked a prostitute

"How Much For A Hand Job?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."

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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,

Then soviet.

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A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."

Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me.

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I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

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People always say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better...

But to me it just ruins the pineapple juice.

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A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution

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I only believe 12.5% of what the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

.... then soviet.

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The rotation of earth

Really makes my day.

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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian..

then soviet

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What makes an ISIS joke funny?

the execution

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

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Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

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What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

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I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of course!" I said proudly.

She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

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A professor tells dirty jokes and the women protest.

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

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Ted Was Worried... [LONG]

Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me (into his office) and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.

"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.

I asked him "what makes you think that?

"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife has a coffee, she mixes in a teaspoon of honey, then takes a sip and says "mmm, just like mama used to make""

I nod

"So when I went to the break room, i saw Greg, and he made himself a coffee..."

I nod

"...and he takes a teaspoon of honey and mixes it in, then he looks me straight in the eyes and says"

"I fucked your wife".

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Pregnant daughter

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of >the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your >daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa,and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You fuck her again."

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I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

...so I got drunk.

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"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"

I feel like I bring a lot to the table

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A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

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The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

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Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

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A man is drunk in a bar,

Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

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I love the way the Earth rotates...

It makes my day.

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they say penis size is related to shoe size...

that makes the fear of clowns even worse.

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So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me."

the doctor writes her a prescription and says,

"take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"

The woman comes back in a week and says,

"these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"

the doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"

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A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

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One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

What are you doing, Mommy?

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy's tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.

The little girl replies, Well, mommy you really shouldn't bother with that.

The mother has a confused look on her face, Why do you say that sweetheart?

The little girl replies, Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.

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My mother has a thick Russian accent...

... and as such it makes some of her words and phrases sound odd.

For instance "want" sounds like "vant."

Or take "talk..." it sounds like "tak"

The best example is when she tries to say "I love you" and it comes out sounding like "you're a fucking disappointment."

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A 25-year-old Jewish girl.....

..... tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll fuck her again."

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What sexual position makes the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom.

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Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?

Swallows.

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I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day.

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."

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Tickle me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning

to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the

little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you

yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid

Guess that makes it Priustoric

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To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

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I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

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What makes a girl go "Mmmmmmmmmm"?

Duct Tape.

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A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"

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A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

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There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

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My highschool bully still takes my lunch money...

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

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A General wants to reserve a Jeep from the motor pool.

A general wants to reserve a jeep from the motor pool. His assistant is out so he makes the call himself.

"Motor pool"

"Hello, yes, I'd like to reserve a jeep for General Franklin"

"Well it better be a big jeep if fatass Franklin wants to go for a ride in it."

The General is furious over the insult.

"SON! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE ADRESSING?"

"No" replies the motor pool attendant

"THIS IS GENERAL FRANKLIN!"

"Well General, do you know who you are adressing?"

"NO! WHO?" the geneal screams.

"Bye fatass..." and the soldier hangs up the phone.

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Brunette goes to the doctor

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

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Catholic girl goes into confessional

Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.

The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"

She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

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Game 7

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, he says. They're all at the funeral."

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My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me?

Single.

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I love the way the Earth rotates

It really makes my day

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If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian...

Then Soviet.

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Why do feminist picnics suck?

Because no one ever makes sandwiches.

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Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

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what's the difference between oral and anal sex?

Good oral can make your whole day, good anal makes your hole weak.

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It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much

Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

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A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes Β£2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

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I only believe in 12.5% of the bible...

Which makes me an eighth theist...

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I read that 30% of the internet is pornography and that really makes me disappointed in humanity...

...70% of the internet is being completely wasted.

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Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

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I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

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A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....


She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

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If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck...

...it'll be a vacuum!

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How does Donald Trump do calculus integration?

He makes sure to grab it by the +c

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What is it about being blind...

...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?

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Cole's Law

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."

"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"

"No, what is it?"

"Thinly sliced cabbage."

(I remember hearing this from my dad, and to this day it makes me giggle like an idiot.)

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Man goes to the doctor (NSFW)

A man goes to the doctor for a prostate check.

The doctor is examining him when he discovers bank notes in the man's rectum.

He pulls them out and counts them, he says to the patient; "You're not going to believe this, but I've just found Β£1950 up your arse."

"Ah, that makes sense," the patient says; "I thought I wasn't feeling too grand."

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Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opensβ€”on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, butβ€”where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.

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George hears the voice of God

George owns a grocery store and makes decent money. One day, he hears the voice God. God says, "Sell your store and move to Vegas." George, a devout Christian, complies. So George is walking down the Strip, when God says, "head into this casino and play blackjack." George does. After playing a few hands, God says, "bet all of your savings on this hand." George does. He is then dealt an 18. the dealer has a five showing, so George feels confident. However, God says "take a card." George hesitates, but takes it. An Ace! 19! "Take another one." Another Ace! 20! George is ecstatic, until God says, "take another card." George is nervous, so he closes his eyes, and yells "Hit me!" Another Ace! 21! George is ecstatic, and then he hears God say, "Holy shit, that was fuckin unbelievable!"

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A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on the carpet, and pissed in the flower pot. And when mom tried to take off your clothes to put you to bed, you said - leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"

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This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and.......

The coffin stops

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Yo girl, are you my appendix?

Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

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What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?

One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.

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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then.....

Soviet.

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An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

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A blind man is sitting in a restaurant.

When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please."

The next night the blind man returns and again makes the same request, the waiter obliges and this time the blind man says, "mmm...pot roast, that's delicious, I'll have the pot roast please."

For the third consecutive evening the blind man returns and again requests the dirty fork. This time the waiter decides to fuck with him a bit and asks his girlfriend Jane who also works at the restaurant to rub the fork on her pussy. So Jane gives it a good rub and the waiter presents it to the blind man who puts it in his mouth and exclaims, "Jane works here???"

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I hate it when women turn off the light before having sex...

It makes it really difficult for me to see them through the window...

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What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?

"Goodnight."

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Life is like a penis.

It's all relaxed freely hanging, and then a woman comes and makes it hard.

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They say that penis size is directly related to shoe size.

Which makes the fear of being raped by a clown that much scarier.

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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

My 8 y/o daughter told me this joke.

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You must be Irish

"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guiness.

-"You must be Irish."

"Oh, so ordering a Guiness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"

-"I didn't..."

"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"

-"No, but..."

"So why the hell do you think I'm Irish then?"

-"Sir, this is a book store."

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The Fat Dad

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

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An 80 year old man is crying in a park bench...

A young man passing by decides to help:

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

"Well... it's just that I... I'm in love with a 22 year old." said the old man.

"I see, and she doesn't correspond?" said the young man.

"Actually we are married. The problem is that, everyday after I wake up in the morning, we have wild sex. Then she leaves for work" the old man said.

"That's not bad" the young man said.

"Well, when I she gets home, she makes my meal and gives me a blow job. After we eat, we have more wild sex." the old man said.

"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.

"The problem is I forgot where I live!"

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Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

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It's Only A Game?

At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a funeral procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it passes. Then he bends over again and makes his putt.
Β Β Β Β Β  "That was a very thoughtful gesture," a member of his foursome says to him as they walk towards the next tee. "You are one compassionate guy."
Β Β Β Β Β "Thank you," replies Bernie. "We would have been married 25 years next Tuesday."

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A farmer and a hunter

A man is out hunting in the woods when he shoots a massive duck. The duck falls into a field owned by a local farmer. The farmer retrieves the duck but refuses to hand over the duck saying "Around here we have a little game to solve problems like this. Each person gets to kick the other is the crotch as hard as possible; the person who makes the least noise wins. Since the duck fell on my land I get to go first." The hunter eager to get his prize duck, accepts. The farmer proceeds to kick him with all of his might. The hunter collapses on the ground in agony but manages not to utter the tiniest whimper. After recovering he approaches the farmer and says "Now it's my turn, let's see if you can beat that!" To which the farmer replies "Nah it's okay you can have the duck."

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A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
The next day her door bell rings, looking down on her doorstep was a man with no arms and legs.
He says Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away.
She says, What makes you think you are so great in bed?

He smiles and says how do you think I rang your fucking door bell?

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What's one nickel minus one nickel?

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

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Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over?

That makes it cap sized

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The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

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Einstein was wrong

My girlfriend makes something out of nothing all the time

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A friend of mine told me today that he doesn't understand cloning...

That makes two of us I said.

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Johnny finally makes it to college...

On the first day his psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object, then describe the object and tell her what it is.

First she calls on Kyle who says "I feel something big round and bumpy. It's a globe!"

The professor says "Good Kyle! I like the way you think.

Next she calls on Suzie who says "I feel something flat and coarse. It's paper!"

The professor says "Good Suzie! I like the way you think."

Finally she calls on Johnny. He sticks his hand in his pocket with a creepy smile and says "Teacher, I feel something round, hard, and it has a head on it.

The professor interrupts him shouting "Johnny, That's disgusting!"

He replies, "No teacher it's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

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A missionary staying in an African village approached by the Chief...

The Chief says,

"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "

The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.

"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Look at the goat outside. All of them are white, except for the one black one."

The chief leans into the missionary's ear and whispers,

"I'll let you off the hook this time, but you keep quiet about goat, okay?"

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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man...

so that I can get a better girlfriend.

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Elderly man goes to the doctor to collect his wife's reports...

Doctor: Unfortunately we have mixed up her reports with someone else. so she either has AIDS or alzheimer's.

Distraught old man: oh my god doctor! what should i do??

Doctor: (*thinks for a sec*) drop her to the edge of the city and if she makes it back don't fuck her

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A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get clean?" With arms crossed, he waits for an answer, then finally gets it,

"What can I say, I'm an attic."







(Jesus christ, what am I doing with my life. 28 years old, stoned like a philistine and taking far, far too long to come up with this fucking joke and for what? A few upvotes that slowly plummet like a certain interim CEO's career. End with zero upvotes and three comments telling me that this non joke made them want to physically strangle the last remaining animal of an endangered species. I am not a man.)

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Two Blonde Genies

A guy finds a lamp and rubs it. Out pop two blonde genies. They thank him and offer him 3 wishes. He thinks for a minute, and *poof*...

He's in a vast room filled with $100 bills to his waist. He looks across the room and sees a door. He makes his way through the money to the door and opens it...

Now he is in another room filled with beautiful, naked women. He looks across the room and sees another door. He fondles his way across the room to that door and opens it...

Where he finds the two blonde genies who drag him to a tree and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

As they are walking away the one turns to the other and says, "I understand why he wanted wealth beyond his wildest dreams. I understand why he wanted to be surrounded by beautiful, naked women. By, why in the world did he want to be hung like a black man?"

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"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."

Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"

Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."

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A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad?

No comment.

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One Guinness please

"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guiness."

"You must be Irish."

"Oh, so ordering a Guiness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"

"I didn't..."

"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"

"No, but..."

"So why exactly do you think I'm Irish then?"

"Sir, this is a book store."

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A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender...

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there's know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, "What grows on trees?" "Bark" says the dog. The bartender refuses to give him a drink and makes him ask another question. "What's on top of a house?" asks the man. "Roof" says the dog. Once again, the bartender refuses and makes him ask another question. "What's the best baseball player of all time?" "Ruth" The bartender makes them leave. On the way home the dog asks, "Do you think I should have said Rodriguez?"

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If a white bird makes white babies and a black bird makes black babies, what bird makes no babies?

A swallow

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The Devil Makes a Deal with 3 Addicts Sentenced to Hell

Three sinners are sentenced to Hell for their various addictions. One is addicted to drinking, one is addicted to sex, and one is addicted to smoking. The Devil tells them that he is going to lock them in a room with their respective desires for a thousand years, and if they manage to resist temptation they will be allowed to go to Heaven.

The alcoholic is locked in a room with the best beers in the world, the sex addict is locked in a room with the most beautiful women in the world, and the smoker is locked in a room with the all the cigarettes a man could want. After a thousand years, the devil opens the doors and checks how they did.

He opens the first door, and finds a room full of empty bottles. The alcoholic drank everything in the room. To punish him, he gives him a never-ending hangover.

He opens the second door, and finds the man slept with all the women. To punish him, he removes his penis.

He opens the third door, and finds all the cigarettes in tact. He finds the man on the floor, weeping in a fetal position. "Why are you crying?" The devil asks. "You've resisted temptation and can go to Heaven now."

The man turns and looks at the devil, wiping tears from his eyes. "Is this your idea of a joke? You lock me in a room with cigarettes and don't even have the courtesy to give me a lighter?"

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A professor makes a bet with a student

A professor makes a bet with a student. Every question the professor asks that the student can't answer the student will owe him $1, every question the student asks that the professor can't answer he owes the student $100.

Professor: What element has the atomic number 45?

The student having no idea hands the professor $1.

Student: What animal walks on 2 legs, sleeps on 4 legs, and runs on 3 legs?

The professor is stumped, so he gives the student $100.

Professor: Ok you win, but on earth was the answer to your question?

The student gives the professor $1 and goes home.

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BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Just read this in an email, thought it worthy of sharing.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.

"What do you want?" he asks.

His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

then soviet

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Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

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What has 9 letters and makes everyone mad?

Clickbait

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"Dad, what is politics?"

"Son, if you think of our home as a country, your mom is the congress which makes the rules, I am the executive which runs the day-to-day affairs of the country, you represent the common man, your little brother is the future of the country, and our maid is the labor class"

"Dad, I guess I understood it all last night when the executive was screwing the labor class in the kitchen while the congress was sleeping, common man didn't care about anything and the country's future was crying his heart out"

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I love the way the world rotates

It really makes my day.

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What bounces and makes children sad?

The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

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The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

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Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business trip tomorrow, lets hangout!"

The husband makes a call to the teacher: "Honey, my wife is off tomorrow, you don't come.

The teacher makes another call to the student: "Tomorrow we go to school as usual."

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My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I broke his nose with a coconut.

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I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

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One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven...

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks.

"Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy."

"Your son?" asks Jesus

"Yes, my son. He was born under remarkable circumstances and underwent a miraculous transformation. He was loved by many and continues to be loved to this very day. His name will never be forgotten."

Jesus approaches the man and hugs him tightly, "Father!"

The old man hugs him back, "Pinocchio?"

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A physicist, mathematician and a priest are trapped in a burning Skyscraper...

On the ground is a huge swimmingpool. Their only chance to survive is to jump into it. The Priest looks at it, prays for 20 min. says "God will help me" jumps, misses and dies.

The physician looks down, approximates some values, writes down some constants and makes a small experiment, calculates 5 min. says "I hope I remembered the constants well enough", jumps and lands safely in the pool.

The mathematician takes out his notebook and in an attempt to come up with a general solution and its proof, spends 2h writing furiously. "This has to work", he says, jumps and flies upwards in a steep curve. He made a sign error.

(Joke from our Physics professor, the room was dying laughing. I hope I didnt screw up too badly translating this from german, have mercy)

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Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.


Stolen from sickipedia but I have seen it 5 times and it still makes me smile, just wanted to share

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What are the best Makes puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Makes? Well, here are the best jokes about Makes to have fun with.

Joko Jokes