Makes Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Makes puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Makes

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

We'll do it.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

I asked a prostitute

"How Much For A Hand Job?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,

Then soviet.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

The rotation of earth

Really makes my day.

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

...so I got drunk.

"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"

I feel like I bring a lot to the table

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

I love the way the Earth rotates...

It makes my day.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.

Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!

She says This sub really loves reposts.

What sexual position makes the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom.

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?

Swallows.

So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid

Guess that makes it Priustoric

To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

What makes a girl go "Mmmmmmmmmm"?

Duct Tape.

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

My highschool bully still takes my lunch money...

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck...

Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

Catholic girl goes into confessional

Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.

The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"

She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me?

Single.

Why do feminist picnics suck?

Because no one ever makes sandwiches.

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck...

...it'll be a vacuum!

What is it about being blind...

...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?

Cole's Law

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."

"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"

"No, what is it?"

"Thinly sliced cabbage."

(I remember hearing this from my dad, and to this day it makes me giggle like an idiot.)

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opensβ€”on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, butβ€”where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.

Yo girl, are you my appendix?

Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?

One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

I hate it when women turn off the light before having sex...

It makes it really difficult for me to see them through the window...

What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?

"Goodnight."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes