Uproarious Makes Jokes to Share with Friends
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the d**... atrocious.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
(
s**... girls are like Wal-Marts
Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
What s**... position makes the ugliest babies?
Ask your mom.
The rotation of earth
Really makes my day.
So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid
Guess that makes it Priustoric
I have a bad habit of screaming during r**... exams.
It really makes my patients nervous.
There's so much n**... on TV these days, it makes me so angry.
I just sit there, shaking my fist.
You can explore makes takes reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean makes making a salad dad jokes. There are also makes puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
I love the way the Earth rotates...
It makes my day.
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look s**......
...so I got drunk.
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,
Then soviet.
TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.
At least, I'm pretty sure...
FP
What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?
Wedding cake
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?
Swallows.
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...
Because then the man is left with only $0.22...
What makes h**... better than Jesus?
Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. h**... made 6,000,000 Jews toast.
"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"
I feel like I bring a lot to the table
I asked a p**...
"How Much For A h**...?"
Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"
I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"
Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?
It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for
The 13th Amendment makes it i**... to buy people.
Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.
What makes a girl go "Mmmmmmmmmm"?
Duct Tape.
A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book s**...! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"
The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...
But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!
A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign
which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward
I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend
Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.
The government reveals their new logo today....
The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a c**....
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a c**... allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of d**..., and gives you a sense of security while being s**....
A guy visits his favorite d**...
He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"
Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.
When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"
her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.
**waiter:** of course
**me:** it didn't say it had nuts
**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
**me:** that makes sense
**waiter:** and for you?
**me:** steak, no bees, please.
My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: That's a nice looking Aldi!
I told him it just looks like Aldi others.
...
Sorry y'all. It's been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.
A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...
I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.
In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!
A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"
"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.
"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."
When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster."
This makes the blonde furious. "Calm down," says the brunette. "Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box."
Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history
Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted
The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.
A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.
"My beautiful BMW! The g**... door was torn right off!"
The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the c**...."
The man looks down at the b**... stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"
Robin said to Batman...
"Batman, why do you wear dark colors?"
"Easy Robin, it makes me less likely to be shot"
"Then why do I wear bright colors?"
"It also makes me less likely to be shot."
Puns make me numb
Mathematical puns makes me number
Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .
At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.
A n**... man was walking down the street with a woman on his back
A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"
The n**... man replied, "To a fancy dress party."
"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.
"A tortoise", said the n**... man.
"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.
"Oh, that's Michelle."
EDIT - I changed the first "gentleman" to "bloke." I hope it makes more sense that way.
I was once on in a band called 1023MB
We were so close to our first GIG
(edited - XXXX MB is 1 GB. Its a binary joke and yes, it makes sense)
(edit 2 - KiB, MiB and GiB can toss it, 1111111111 )
Gordon Ramsey goes to Australia and makes a lemon meringue pie. The whole audience cheers!
"That's strange," he says, "I thought Australians usually boo meringue."
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor...
"Make me one with everything."
So the hotdog vendor makes him a hotdog with every topping, and the Buddhist hands him a twenty. He proceeds to eat the hotdog, but gets no change for his twenty dollar bill. He says, "Hey, where's my change?"
The hotdog vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."
(Courtesy of my fifty year old husband, who cant go five hecking minutes without making a dad joke)
My friend said he did not understand cloning at all...
I said "that makes two of us".
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought this new TV and it says Built-in Antenna. I don't even know where that is.
A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.
As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!
Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising up on its hind legs, it puts its paws together, and says
Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to receive.
The Queen always said her corgis were like children to her.
So it makes sense that they've been given to Prince Andrew.
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.
Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" "Ah," replies the hot dog vendor, "Change must come from within."
The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener.
It makes scents if you think about it.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...
The three see a buck a little distance away.
The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.
The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding in wind resistance and adding a fudge factor to include wind variations, Coriolis forces, and other, unknown variables. He fires, and the round lands 10 meters behind the buck.
The statistician jumps up and yells, "We got him!"
What's the difference between a live wire and a dead wire?
A live wire makes you dead but a dead wire keeps you alive.
Go figure.
It all makes sense now
Jack: Rose! There's enough room, you can save me!
Rose: There's one thing you should know about me Jack. I'm actually 26 years old!
Jack: …
Rose: Jack?
Jack: *drifts away into the dark depths of the ocean*
It makes sense that Leonardo DiCaprio cares so much about climate change…
He just wants a world his future girlfriends can turn 18 in.
A man walks into a cosmetic store and asks..
Man: How much for that funny spray that makes people smell better?
Worker: Perfume?
Man: No, per bottle would be nice
A heist goes wrong and the hostages are on the verge of being executed.
The nervous gunman makes some small talk with the hostages and asks a woman her name.
"Martha." she replies. The gunman is taken aback, and says "Martha.. that was my mother's name. I can't kill you. Go, run to the exit and don't look back."
After the woman is rescued by the police outside, he turns to a man and asks him his name.
"Martha." he replies.
I hate it when people use metaphors that are physically impossible.
It makes my blood boil.
