Maintenance Jokes
79 maintenance jokes and hilarious maintenance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about maintenance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of maintenance jokes. From funny one-liners to hilarious quips, we've got what you need to lighten up your day.
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Funniest Maintenance Short Jokes
Short maintenance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The maintenance humour may include short maintain jokes also.
- Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work. It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
- I didn't want to believe my flatmate was stealing from his job as highway maintenance ...but when I got home all the signs were there.
- The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women
- I've discovered some similar thing between cars and humans. The older they are, the more maintenance is required.
- My mates works on the railway. He does maintenance or maybe engineering....
Something along those lines anyway. - Women are like swimming pools.. Their maintenance costs are too high considering the time you spend inside them
- A terrible accident has just occurred at work. Our maintenance man lost both his legs.
Now he is just a handyman. - The custodians at my school kept insisting that I smoke kush with them, but I declined ... I can't deal with high-maintenance people.
- One of the janitor ladies at my work wanted to smoke a joint after work I politely declined, I can't handle high maintenance women
- I didn't want to believe my brother was stealing from his job at Highway Maintenance but when I went to visit his house, the signs were all there
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Maintenance One Liners
Which maintenance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with maintenance? I can suggest the ones about keeping and repair.
- What never needs maintenance on a BMW? The turn signal lightbulb
- Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the jobs now he's just a handyman!!
- Last week I had to fire my lawn maintenance workers. They just weren't cutting it.
- I used to be addicted to drugs. It was a high maintenance lifestyle.
- How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. That's maintenance's job.
- What do you get when you give a janitor a joint? A high maintenance building.
- I just made these really easy noodles... I suppose you could call them 'lo main-tenance
- Recyclables are basically high maintenance trash Just like my ex Stacey
- Confucius say... French girl high maintenance. Chinese girl Lo Mein-tenance.
- What do you call a s**... working at a repair shop? High maintenance
- What do you call a janitor who smokes w**...? High maintenance.
- Maintenance I wonder for how long d**... can maintain a hard on?
High Maintenance Jokes
Here is a list of funny high maintenance jokes and even better high maintenance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Baby, if you were a car, you'd be a Maserati… Because you're high maintenance, spend all my money to supposedly make me look good, but really everyone couldn't care less, and you're not that great.
- A super high maintenance woman showed up at my apartment last night. We didn't even call maintenance.
- I once dated a model, but I always preferred the earlier versions. This particular one was not very user-friendly, she was high-maintenance and my friends would always borrow her for personal use.
- I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on Snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.
- What's high maintenance and regularly goes down on everyone? Servers. Everyone would include me.
- What does my brothers wife and a chevrolet have in common? They're both extremely high maintenance
- The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some w**... with her I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
- The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some w**... with her. I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.
- The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke w**... after work, but I told her no I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women
- A janitor at my work asked me to come over and smoke w**... with her!! I told her No. I can't stand high maintenance women.
Maintenance Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny maintenance man jokes and even better maintenance man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Man to very beautiful airhostess:- "What's your name?"
Air hostess:- "Eva Benz.."
Man :- "Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Air hostess:- (smiling) "maintenance cost is same" :D - How many guys in IT does it take to change a lightbulb? Two.
One to identify that the lightbulb has indeed burned out, and one to call the maintenence man to change the lightbulb.
Apartment Maintenance Jokes
Here is a list of funny apartment maintenance jokes and even better apartment maintenance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some w**... with her I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
- The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke p**.... I said no. I tend to avoid high maintenance women.
Maintenance Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about maintenance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean management jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make maintenance pranks.
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
A maintenance matter
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."
The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"
A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:
and says my wife wants to commit s**... by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.
A man calls up his hotel's reception
He says, "Please send someone over, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window."
The manager replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."
"d**... man, this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
A guy buys a golf course...
It's doing well, but maintenance costs are killing him, so he decides to build 3 robots. They're instantly doing 10 times the work of humans, & he's happy. One day the club pro is teeing off in a money game & gets blinded by the glare from a robot. Its not the first time, & he tells the owner he must fix this issue. He thinks about it, & decides to simply paint the robots black. So the next day two of them don't show up for work & the third one robs the pro shop.
My girlfriend is a s**... who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.
She's kind of high maintenance.
Blonde goes ice fishing
A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts fishing.
Suddenly a voice from above says: There are no fish here.
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn't see anybody. She shrugs and continues.
After a while the voice comes again: There are no fish here.
The blonde looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
The voice replies,"No, this is the ice-skating rink's maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here.
A penguin takes his car to the shop for maintenance.
He goes across the street to a ice cream stand for a vinilla cone. Later he goes back to the shop to check on his car. Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal". Penguin goes "No, it's just ice cream".
A man, his wife and the hotel receptionist
Man: Hello, I'am in room 420. Please send someone over immidiately. I'am having an argumemt with me wife and she wants to jump from the window.
Receptionist: Iam sorry sir but thats personal matter.
Man: Listen you dumb f*c**..., the window is not opening and that's a maintenance problem!
The Canadian restaurant by my house has been closed for renovations.
They're just doing some poutine maintenance.
The husband calls the hotel reception: "Hello, can you send someone over? I'm arguing with my wife..."
"...And she says she's going to throw herself out the window!"
Receptionist: "Sir...that...that is a personal matter"
Husband: "Yes, I get it... but the window does not open...and that's is a hotel maintenance problem...!"
A man calls the hotel receptionist where he is staying,
"My wife and I were arguing earlier and now she's trying to jump out of the window. Send someone to room 314 please!"
The receptionist responds, "Sir, that sounds like a personal problem. Sort out the matter yourself."
The man is taken aback. "How is this a personal problem? I'm calling for maintenance, the window won't open!"
A man called the hotel manager...
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".
Husband: Calls up hotel manager and says " My wife & I are having an argument and now she wants to jump through the window, come help me"
**Manager :** Sir this is your personal issue and I can't help with the argument.
**Husband:** Dude, the window doesn't open, isn't that maintenance issue?
A man calls the hotel front desk
"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"
"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."
"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."
"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."
"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"
Plot Twist
A hotel receptionist gets a call*
Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.
Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.
A couple was having a quarrel in a lodge...
The man calls the manager and says, "I'm having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window please come fast!"
The Manager angrily responds, "I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please do not waste my time again."
The Husband replies back, "The window is not opening. This is not a personal issue, this is a maintenance issue."
A German coast guard and an English ship
A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking.
The captain of the English ship shouts to the coast guard, "Mayday mayday, we're sinking!"
The German coast guard then replies, " What are you sinking about?"
Loving Wife
Wife: \* in the hotel room on the hotel's intercom talking with the receptionist\* Hello? Please send maintenance personnel! My husbands about to jump off the window!
Receptionist: Ma'am, why do you need the maintenance personnel? We can send our security staff instead.
Wife: I need maintenance staff because he can't open the window!
A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.
He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."
The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."
"Listen here, you m**..." - the man says - "That window won't open and that looks like a maintenance problem to me."
You've asked for more Russian jokes...
The sewer system is broken and is full of s**.... Maintenance crew arrived. The old experienced guy jumps into the sewer and asks the young apprentice to pass him a tool, then another one. Finally, after it's fixed, he gets out of the sewer, covered in s**... from head to feet and says:
"Learn from the master, otherwise the only thing you will ever do is pass the tools!"
A janitor at my work offered me to come over and smoke w**... with her..
I said no, sorry I can't stand high maintenance women.
This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack
The maintenance guy said that's the Spock pack
Me: Spock pack?
Maint: aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear
Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…
While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.
When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!
What's wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME? I protested. I didn't even do anything!
He glared at me in the rear view mirror. I will not have any daughter of mine wasting her time with high maintenance people!
The Corporate Ladder
A recent study in USA have found an interesting relationship between a man social status and the sport he watches
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employee is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is American FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL
5. The sport of Choice for middle management is TENNIS
6. the sport of Choice for corporate Officers is GOLF
CONCLUSION: The Higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your b**... become
Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.
She's a bit of a pothead but d**... good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.
Two older couple…
Two older couple in their 80's rented a room at a fancy hotel on the 59th floor. They got into an argument and the woman threaten to jump out the window. The old guy call down to the front office and asked to speak with the manager. He said " look hmm me and my wife just got into a big fight and now she's threatening to jump out the window." The manager replied "I am so sorry to hear that, but normally we don't get involve in domestic situations." The old man replied "look a**... I don't need your help ok I just want you to send the maintenance guy up here to open the d**... window already."
What did the manager at the radio telescope facility tell the maintenance guy?
Don't forget to do the dishes.
I complained about the temperature at work for a month...
And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I wasn't suited to be a tailor.
The muffler factory was just exhausting.
I couldn't cut it as a barber.
I didn't have the patience to be a doctor.
I wasn't a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.
The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance was too draining.
I got fired from the cannon factory.
And I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
