Maintenance Jokes
68 maintenance jokes and hilarious maintenance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about maintenance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of maintenance jokes. From funny one-liners to hilarious quips, we've got what you need to lighten up your day.
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Funniest Maintenance Short Jokes
Short maintenance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The maintenance humour may include short maintain jokes also.
- Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work. It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
- The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women
- I've discovered some similar thing between cars and humans. The older they are, the more maintenance is required.
- My mates works on the railway. He does maintenance or maybe engineering....
Something along those lines anyway. - A terrible accident has just occurred at work. Our maintenance man lost both his legs.
Now he is just a handyman. - The custodians at my school kept insisting that I smoke kush with them, but I declined ... I can't deal with high-maintenance people.
- The Canadian restaurant by my house has been closed for renovations. They're just doing some poutine maintenance.
- What did the manager at the radio telescope facility tell the maintenance guy? Don't forget to do the dishes.
- Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed... It was a large scale operation.
- Frederick W. Smith created a company because he needed money to pay maintenance to his ex wife. He called it Fed*Ex*.
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Maintenance One Liners
Which maintenance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with maintenance? I can suggest the ones about keeping and repair.
- What never needs maintenance on a BMW? The turn signal lightbulb
- Last week I had to fire my lawn maintenance workers. They just weren't cutting it.
- I used to be addicted to drugs. It was a high maintenance lifestyle.
- How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. That's maintenance's job.
- What do you get when you give a janitor a joint? A high maintenance building.
- I just made these really easy noodles... I suppose you could call them 'lo main-tenance
- What do you call a s**... working at a repair shop? High maintenance
- Maintenance I wonder for how long d**... can maintain a hard on?
- Confucius say... French girl high maintenance. Chinese girl Lo Mein-tenance.
High Maintenance Jokes
Here is a list of funny high maintenance jokes and even better high maintenance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A super high maintenance woman showed up at my apartment last night. We didn't even call maintenance.
- I once dated a model, but I always preferred the earlier versions. This particular one was not very user-friendly, she was high-maintenance and my friends would always borrow her for personal use.
- I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on Snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.
- What's high maintenance and regularly goes down on everyone? Servers. Everyone would include me.
- What does my brothers wife and a chevrolet have in common? They're both extremely high maintenance
Maintenance Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny maintenance man jokes and even better maintenance man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Man to very beautiful airhostess:- "What's your name?"
Air hostess:- "Eva Benz.."
Man :- "Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Air hostess:- (smiling) "maintenance cost is same" :D
Maintenance Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about maintenance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean management jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make maintenance pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some w**... with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
A maintenance matter
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."
The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"
Painting a Church: My favourite joke
Bill, an unscrupulous painter, would often thin down his paint when hired to do a job, and pocket the money he'd save.
One day, the local church decided to do some long-awaited maintenance, and hired Bill for the job.
Bill gets to work, and after a good few hours, he's nearly done - as he stands on his scaffolding to finish off the steeple, he smiles to himself: the paint job looks pretty good, he's scammed the church out of a few hundred bucks, and he'll be done before dinner.
Suddenly, thunder ensues, a huge bolt of lightning knocks Bill right off his scaffolding, and the skies open up - and all of Bill's newly-applied paint washes right off the church.
Bill, a religious man despite his thievery, knows it's a sign from God. He falls to his knees in a puddle of rainwater and paint, and cries, "Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?"
And amongst the thunder, a booming voice: "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
A guy buys a golf course...
It's doing well, but maintenance costs are killing him, so he decides to build 3 robots. They're instantly doing 10 times the work of humans, & he's happy. One day the club pro is teeing off in a money game & gets blinded by the glare from a robot. Its not the first time, & he tells the owner he must fix this issue. He thinks about it, & decides to simply paint the robots black. So the next day two of them don't show up for work & the third one robs the pro shop.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend is a s**... who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.
She's kind of high maintenance.
Blonde goes ice fishing
A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts fishing.
Suddenly a voice from above says: There are no fish here.
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn't see anybody. She shrugs and continues.
After a while the voice comes again: There are no fish here.
The blonde looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
The voice replies,"No, this is the ice-skating rink's maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here.
So the Statue of Liberty went dark today once again proving that
once you go black you immediately go back after a couple hours of maintenance.
A man called the hotel manager...
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".
What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They are both low maintenance but hard to get up hills
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Baby, if you were a car, you'd be a Maserati…
Because you're high maintenance, spend all my money to supposedly make me look good, but really everyone couldn't care less, and you're not that great.
Did you ever hear of the landlord who played favorites?
He only did maintenance for his main tenants.
I've just visited Canada's national web page, and it was down for maintenance.
It was a sorry sight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Plot Twist
A hotel receptionist gets a call*
Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.
Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.
What's the biggest similarity with a women's hair and her bladder?
They both need constant maintenance
Cheesy pick up line.
Im like an excavator operator. I will dig into your imagination and drop rocks. Then lay some pipe. Sometimes the landscape gets wet and needs maintenance.
Do you know what really grinds my gears?
When my maintenance guys fail to inspect them for the proper mesh and clearance.
I'll never forget the time in Iraq when the order came to fix bayonets.
I said, "Lieutenant, we are surrounded and running low on ammo. I don't think now is the right time for equipment maintenance."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jazz hands
Worker one: why does j**... the maintenance guy always do jazz hands after hes finished looking inside the copy machine?
Worker two: is part of his routine maintenance
(I wanted to do this joke as a picture but im lazy and bad at drawing, also sorry for the bad joke)
Maintenance log, stardate 41153.7: Today I found the Captain's Log.
I must, once again, remind him to flush after he is done, and the chef to change his diet.
Loving Wife
Wife: \* in the hotel room on the hotel's intercom talking with the receptionist\* Hello? Please send maintenance personnel! My husbands about to jump off the window!
Receptionist: Ma'am, why do you need the maintenance personnel? We can send our security staff instead.
Wife: I need maintenance staff because he can't open the window!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You've asked for more Russian jokes...
The sewer system is broken and is full of s**.... Maintenance crew arrived. The old experienced guy jumps into the sewer and asks the young apprentice to pass him a tool, then another one. Finally, after it's fixed, he gets out of the sewer, covered in s**... from head to feet and says:
"Learn from the master, otherwise the only thing you will ever do is pass the tools!"
This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack
The maintenance guy said that's the Spock pack
Me: Spock pack?
Maint: aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear
Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…
While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.
When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!
What's wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME? I protested. I didn't even do anything!
He glared at me in the rear view mirror. I will not have any daughter of mine wasting her time with high maintenance people!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Corporate Ladder
A recent study in USA have found an interesting relationship between a man social status and the sport he watches
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employee is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is American FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL
5. The sport of Choice for middle management is TENNIS
6. the sport of Choice for corporate Officers is GOLF
CONCLUSION: The Higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your b**... become
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.
She's a bit of a pothead but d**... good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two older couple…
Two older couple in their 80's rented a room at a fancy hotel on the 59th floor. They got into an argument and the woman threaten to jump out the window. The old guy call down to the front office and asked to speak with the manager. He said " look hmm me and my wife just got into a big fight and now she's threatening to jump out the window." The manager replied "I am so sorry to hear that, but normally we don't get involve in domestic situations." The old man replied "look a**... I don't need your help ok I just want you to send the maintenance guy up here to open the d**... window already."
I complained about the temperature at work for a month...
And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.
