Maintain Jokes
56 maintain jokes and hilarious maintain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about maintain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Maintain Short Jokes
Short maintain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The maintain humour may include short maintenance jokes also.
- You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
- People are surprised when I tell them that I have a 4.0GPA while working and maintaining an active social life But hey, anything is possible if you lie.
- Did you know the US police have the most comprehensive and well maintained database of potential racist shooters? They call it the payroll .
- How was bill clinton able to maintain a steady surplus during his presidency? He had a great Al Gore rhythm.
- How are women like swimming pools? They both cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time of money you spend inside.
- Peeping Tom decided to spend more time at home . . . He was trying to maintain a proper lurk/wife balance.
- I maintain my car with the same level of diligence and care that I would maintain an aircraft. Which is why they won't let me maintain aircraft.
- Physicist Frank Wilczek states that there is life on other planets... Profesor Stephen Hawking maintains his position.
- With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.
- My wife called me an eyesore, when she really meant "sight for sore eyes" And I'm going to keep telling this to myself so I can maintain the strength it requires to make it through this life.
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Maintain One Liners
Which maintain one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with maintain? I can suggest the ones about keeping and endure.
- How did Jesus maintain his killer abs? Cross Fit
- Why can't programmers maintain good relationships? They have a lot of arguments.
- When learning how to fly its important to maintain a positive altitude.
- How did Juliet maintain constant temperature? Romeostasis.
- [OC] What do you call sisters who can fix things? Maintain-nuns.
- Why should a hot girl date a cool guy? To maintain Thermal Equilibrium.
- How does an arborist maintain his business? He keeps a log of every tree he cuts down.
- How do 69° and 21° maintain a strong relationship? They complement each other.
- How do you maintain your dignity working as an official for President Trump? Acting!
- How do you maintain a healthy ant colony? Ensure ants
- What does a pirate use to maintain his garden patio? A yarrrrd brush.
- Why does a building have to be honest? To maintain its integrity.
- TIFU by pruning my neighbors well maintained garden instead of mine Whoops, wrong shrub.
- How will the oakland PD maintain law and order during the warriors parade? Hella copters
- DJ Daemon maintains the beats in the background.
Delightful Fun Maintain Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about maintain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean survive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make maintain pranks.
Depressed race car mechanic.
Scene: a psychiatrists practice:
'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'
'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'
'Is he a mechanic too doc?'
'No, a gynecologist'
Did you hear about that celebrity who committed s**...? Reese whatsername?
"Witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife!"
Only really works if you actually tell it to someone (and can maintain a good pokerface)
What's the difference between polite conversation and an e**...?
I can maintain polite conversation.
So my 5yo kid is mad at the world this evening and he comes up with this masterpiece:
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: Nothing.
Me: (struggling to maintain a straight face) Nothing who?
Him: Don't. Say. Anything.
A doctor diagnosed me with...
... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.
... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!
... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.
... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams.
... Dementia.
But I maintain full cognitive... Um. What was the question?
joke from my father in law with prostate cancer...
whats the difference between a camaro and an e**...?
i can maintain a camero.
I just donated some money to the maintainers of a Linux distribution derived from Red Hat
\*tips fedora\*
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Maintenance
I wonder for how long d**... can maintain a hard on?
A woman must walk 5 paces behind...
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
My electronegativity class in college was such a blow off class!
I got an F on all my exams for the class, but I still managed to maintain a 4.0 GPA.
A local property owner is being charged after their 100-year-old oak fell and struck the son of the prime minister. They are deemed responsible for the accident after they failed to maintain the tree safely.
They were charged with 1 count of tree-son.
People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.
After 10 years, my job still s**....
The janitor at my work asked if I wanted to take a five minute break to go smoke w**... with her.
I told her, 'No, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for a high maintainance woman."
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
A musician goes into labor
To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, Oh god! The triplets are coming!
One and a two and a three and a!
Man blind from birth hears about a new surgery to restore his sight
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an e**...."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
What do you call a p**... who maintains the ideal number of prostitutes per customer?
Horatio
Why do Hitmen have trouble maintaining steady relationships?
Because their dates are always afraid of being taken out.
In 7th grade we had a quiz where we were asked "what did France set up during the French Revolution." They marked me wrong and I'm still a little upset about it.
I still maintain "tons and tons of guillotines" is a correct answer
My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.
So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?
Christian theologians have long maintained that Jesus is both human and divine simultaneously. A recent squabble has divided them over the subject of His nostrils. I know which side I'm on
I'm going with the God-only-nose crowd