Mailman Jokes

What are some Mailman jokes?

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

​

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.

She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman

I scared my mailman by showing up at the door completely naked

I'm not sure what scared him more; me being naked or me knowing where he lives.

I greeted the mailman at the door naked

He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where he lived.

I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.

Or at least that's what my mailman said.

My son came home from school and I immediately asked him:

"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed. "It's a chair."

"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."

I freaked out my mailman today

I freaked out my mailman today when I came to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what shocked him more, my naked body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill.

Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"

Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea."

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he'd tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he's been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother's really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, oh honey, it's not the jokes, it your delivery.

Gender neutral guide: Fireman = Firefighter

Policeman = Policefighter


Mailman = Mailfighter


Fisherman = Fisherfighter

As a mailman, I have a lot of jokes about undelivered letters.

But people just don't seem to get them.

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

Theory vs Reality

Little Billy had a homework assignment to compare theory and reality. The boy asked his father what the difference was between theory and reality. His father told him, 'Go ask your mother if she would have sex with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his mother and she says she would. Billy tells his father she would have sex with the mailman for million dollars.

The father then tells the boy, 'Now go as your sister if she would have sex with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his sister and she to says she would have sex with the mailman.

Little Billy goes and tells his father both his mom and his sister would have sex with the mailman and his father says, "Well son, in theory we're multimillionaires, but in reality we live with a couple of whores.

Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...

...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.

Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

Little Johnny Has A Question

A boy comes home from school one day looking for his father. He has an assignment that he needs a little help with. He finds his father and tells him that he has to write a paper explaining the difference between potentially and actually.

His father says to him "That's an easy one", "Go upstairs and find your sister; ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000."

So the boy does as he is told. When he comes back down he tells his father what he learned. "She said yes, dad." "So," said his dad "Find your mother, now, and ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000 as well."

The boy does as he is asked, and then returns to his father again.

"She said yes too, dad." "Well, there you go." said the dad.

The boy looked at his father, puzzled.

He smiled, "Potentially we're sitting on a gold mine; but, actually I live with a couple of whores!"

My mom says I look just like my father.

It's weird that she thinks that, because everyone else says I look like Steve the mailman.

Mailman's last day on the job.

After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.

When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.

At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.

At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.

When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"

I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...

He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

A boy is told by a classmate that every adult has at least one big secret

A boy is told by a classmate that every adult has at least one big secret and that it is easy to blackmail them by saying: I know the whole truth.

When the boy comes home he decides to test this, so he goes to his mother and says: I know the whole truth.
The mother gives him $20 and says: Take this and go just don't tell your father anything.

Next, the boy goes to his father and says: I know the whole truth.
The father gives his son $40 and says: Take this and go just don't tell your mother anything.

The next day on the way to school the boy sees the mailman and says to him: I know the whole truth.
The mailman responds: Then come give your daddy a big hug!

A little boy's friend tells him:

"If you say to adults 'I know about it all', they'll give you anything."
So of course he goes home and says to his dad: "I know about it all". The dad hands him 100 bucks and tells him "but don't tell mommy".
The kid, stoked, goes to his mom and says: "I know about it all". The mom hands him 200 bucks and says "Please don't tell daddy".
Then the bell rings, and the kid opens the door to find the mailman outside. The kid tells him "I know about it all".
The mailman happily drops the package he's holding and yells "Well say hello to daddy!

This girl once told me she wanted me to do it doggy style.

So I licked her face, crapped on the carpet and bit her mailman in the ankle

The mailman

A mailman gets a new route in a rural community. Walking up to a isolated little farmhouse, he sees a woman out back getting hammered by a goat.

He looks at the kid sitting on the porch, and asks him "Hey kid, doesn't it bother you, what your mom's doing back there?"

The kid looks at him and says "NAAAAAAA!"

The mailman's last day

A mailman was putting in his last shift before he started an office job. He was a popular man in the neighborhood, known for being courteous and prompt with his deliveries. As such, he was lavished with home-baked goods, bottles of wine and gift cards as he made his final rounds.

The mailman's final stop of the day was at the house of a wealthy lawyer, who had always treated the mailman like garbage. When he rang the doorbell, however, it was the lawyer's gorgeous wife, dressed in a revealing negligee, who answered the door. Wordlessly, she led him to the upstairs bedroom where they had the most amazing sex the mailman had ever had in his life.

As he was about to leave, the lawyer's wife handed him a crumpled one dollar bill. "What was that all about?" he asked.

"Well, last night when I asked my husband what we should do for you, he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar.'"

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back on and the woman hands him a single dollar. Confused he asks "what's the dollar for?".

The woman says "well I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for christmas and he said 'screw him, give him a dollar'".

My mailman tried telling me a joke but it wasn't all that funny.

He should work on his delivery.

Mailman's last day on the job

A mailman is on his last day of the job after 20 years delivering the mail on the same route. He is going about his regular routine, when he is greeted at the door by a stunning blonde. She's wearing nothing more than a skimpy robe and beckons him inside. Without a word she leads him up the stairs and into the bedroom and proceeds to give him the best sex of his life. After they both get dressed, she takes his hand and leads him downstairs. There is a gourmet meal prepared on the table and she pulls out a chair and indicates for him to sit down. Without a word he sits and they eat until they cannot eat another bite. He finishes eating and slumps back in his chair. The woman stands up and walks over to him, slipping a $1 bill in his front pocket. Bewildered the man finally asks "What in the world is all of this for?". The woman responds, "I heard it was your last day and asked my husband what we should do for you. He said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea".

Mailman's last day of work.

It's the mailman's last day on the job, he goes to a woman's house and she invites him in, makes loves to him, makes him a wonderful breakfast and then gives him 5 dollars.

Mailman: 'What was that for?'

Woman: 'Well I asked my husband what to do for you on your last day and he said, "Screw him, give him 5 dollars." The breakfast was my idea!'

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he is off to Parcelona. He then proceeded to ignore what is my best joke of 2017.

Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman's joke is the delivery.

What's a mailmans favorite organ?

Da Liver

A mailman is working his last day after 20 years of faithful service to a neighborhood.

When he delivers the mail to the first house, the man comes out, hives him some fine cigars and says "So long, I'm really going to miss you."
When he goes to the next house, the woman there comes out and gives him a bottle of fine wine. She too is very sorry to see him go, and tells him she'll miss him. When he comes over to the next house, a beautiful women answers the door, bare naked. She beckons him upstairs and makes the most passionate love to him that he has ever had. She then takes him downstairs and gives him the best breakfast he has ever had. When he's clearing his plate, he notices a dollar bill under the plate. He then says to the woman "This is very nice and all, but I have to ask what this is all about?"

She says "Actually, it was my husbands idea. When I asked him what we should do for you on your last day of work, he said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.

Little Johnny walks in on his dad having sex with his aunt.

Aunt was going up and down on his dad.When he sees little Johnny he is embarrassed and quickly tries covering up.

"So,..Son, see Aunty was ju.."

Little Johnny interrupts before dad could say further and says, "I know she was helping you flatten your tummy by going up and down, right?"

Dad is perplexed as it was the exactly what he was going to say and asks Johnny, "Right... Uhh, but how do you know?"

"Well, mommy too was helping the mailman flatten his tummy the other day."

What does the soil have in common with a mailman?

They both become hostile when you rearrange their letters.

A kid is with his friends at school

One of his friends tells him, "If you want money go up to one of your parents and say I know the truth." The kid is like heck yeah I want money and goes up to his mom. "Mom I know the truth." The mom hands the kid 50 bucks and says, "Now your father doesn't need to hear about this right?" The kid thinks "Wow that worked great! I wonder if it works on other adults." So he goes to his mailman and says, "I know the truth." The mailman opens his arms wide and says, "Come here son!"

The United States Postal Service is, in the interest of gender neutrality, discontinuing the title of "Mailman"

and changing it to "Personman".

I've heard someone in our neighborhood is gay.

I hope it's the mailman, he's so cute.

A man was ill one day and had to take the day off work

Staying home, he began to appreciate how much his wife loved him.

The wife was so thrilled to have her husband home, that when the mailman came round, for example, the wife ran outside shouting "My husband's home! My husband's home!

Love Letters

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying
Grandpa. She was in her 2os, and the man she was dating
left for war. "We were in love, " she recalled, "and wrote to
each other every week. It was during that time that I
discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the
war? " I asked.
Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your
grandfather was the mailman."

Why did OP get fired from his job as a mailman?

He never delivered.

What do you call an alcoholic mailman?

De-livered

The new mailman really sucks at telling jokes

He needs to work on his deliveries more

What Language Does a Mailman Speak?

Parcel-tongue

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.

"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"

(NSFW) Timmy asked his dad:

What's behind mommy's underwear?
Dad: Paradise.
Timmy: What's behind your underwear?
Dad: The key to paradise.
Timmy: Dad, I think you might need to change the lock because the mailman has a spare key.

Wet Mail

A man one morning walks out to his mailbox to get his mail. He opens the door, reaches in, and he can feel that the mail is all wet. He gets very upset that his mail is soggy and ruined. He flags down the mailman who has not made it very far and asks..

"Whats the deal with the wet mail?!"

The mailman stone faced looks back at the man and says

"It's because there is Postage Dew."

Why would Prometheus make a good mailman?

Because he has a lot of experience with de-livering.

What's a black mailman called?

A blackmailer.


I'll show myself out :(.

A mailman, a boy, and a unicorn walk into a bar.

The woman gets a concussion, some stitches, and a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder.

A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery

I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today.

Let that sink in.

Several feminist organizations have attacked the postal service for the use of the word "Mailman"...

In response to the demands, they've switched to "Femaleman".

A mailman walks up to a house...

He sees a pig with a wooden leg. When the owner answers the door, the mailman asks why the pig has a wooden leg.

"Well, you see, that pig is a life-saver."

"That doesn't explain why he has a wooden leg."

"A couple nights ago, our house caught on fire. That pig dragged every one out of the house- even the dog."

"Okay, but that still doesn't explain the leg."

"Well, with a pig that great, you can't eat him all at once!"

There's a group of passive aggressive people that keep saying I'm a snoopy mailman

I know because they keep writing letters about it to their friends.

What do you get when you cross the mailman with a Cougar?

According to the Paternity Test: Me

How does a mailman kill his enemies?

He de-livers them.

I'm an adrenaline junkie and an agoraphobic.

I talked to the mailman through the door once, that was a rush delivered.

I'm not sure what to call the woman postal worker

but apparently "female mailman lady" is **not** it.

I guess my parents were secret agents all along.

I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.

A mailman is working his last day on a route he's been doing for 20 years

He gets to the first house and a man greets him at the door with a very expensive bottle of wine and thanks him for his service. He arrives at the next house and is greeted by the entire family with a box of Cuban cigars and everyone wishes him a happy retirement.

He arrives at the third house where he is greeted by a gorgeous blonde with see through lingerie on. She leads him upstairs where they make love for an hour. When they're done she takes him downstairs where she cooks him a breakfast of pancakes,eggs and squeezed orange juice. As he's eating she gives him a card with $20 in it.

He's overwhelmed by all this and asks why. The blonde tells him You've been an amazing mailman over the years and when I heard you were retiring I asked my husband what we should do for you. He replied"Fuck him. Give him $20" The Breakfast was my idea

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what they were laced with but I've been tripping all day


heard from the mailman who comes in to my shop with a new joke every day. He's making the world a better place one joke at a time

I got a new shipment of jokes in today.

I asked the mailman if the punchlines were included, but he assured me it was all in the delivery.

Three Dogs Are Sitting in the Vet's Waiting Room

The dogs ask each other what they're in for.

The first dog sadly says, "I just can't help myself when it comes to the mailman. I just get so angry when he walks up to the door that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."

The second dog says, "Oh no, that's terrible. I'm a barker myself. I know I'm not supposed to bark all night, but I just can't help myself. So I'm being put to sleep too."

The first two look at the third dog for his story.

"Well, my owner likes to do her housework in the nude," he said. "Yesterday, she was vacuuming and bent over to get under the couch. I mean, I couldn't help myself; I hopped right on and had the ride of my life!"

The other two dogs looked at him compassionately. "So you're being put to sleep too?"

"What? No, she's having my nails clipped!"

What do you call a tough mailman?

Alpha Mail

Something disturbing came in the mail today...

...my mailman.

How to make Mailman jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Mailman to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Mailman? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Mailman pick up lines to share with friends.

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