mailman Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious mailman stories

What are the best Mailman puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Mailman? Well here is a complete list of Mailman dad jokes:

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."



I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.


Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"


Three Dogs Are Sitting in the Vet's Waiting Room

The dogs ask each other what they're in for.

The first dog sadly says, "I just can't help myself when it comes to the mailman. I just get so angry when he walks up to the door that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."

The second dog says, "Oh no, that's terrible. I'm a barker myself. I know I'm not supposed to bark all night, but I just can't help myself. So I'm being put to sleep too."

The first two look at the third dog for his story.

"Well, my owner likes to do her housework in the nude," he said. "Yesterday, she was vacuuming and bent over to get under the couch. I mean, I couldn't help myself; I hopped right on and had the ride of my life!"

The other two dogs looked at him compassionately. "So you're being put to sleep too?"

"What? No, she's having my nails clipped!"


The blonde and the mailman

A blonde is sitting at home one morning when the elderly mailman comes to the door.

"I hear you're retiring," she says.

"Yes, ma'am. I'm turning 65, so it's time for me to enjoy my golden years."

"I see," says the blonde. "Well... would you like to come upstairs with me?"

So she takes him up to her bedroom where she spends an hour making passionate love to him. When they're done, she gets her purse, hands him a dollar, wishes him a happy retirement, and sends him on his way.

That afternoon she's having coffee with a friend, and she mentions how she spent her morning.

Her friend is aghast. "Why in the world would you do something like that?"

"It was my husband's idea."

"Your husband's???"

"Yeah. I told him the mailman was retiring and asked if he thought we should do anything special for him. He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar'."


The mailman

A mailman gets a new route in a rural community. Walking up to a isolated little farmhouse, he sees a woman out back getting hammered by a goat.

He looks at the kid sitting on the porch, and asks him "Hey kid, doesn't it bother you, what your mom's doing back there?"

The kid looks at him and says "NAAAAAAA!"


The mailman's last day

A mailman was putting in his last shift before he started an office job. He was a popular man in the neighborhood, known for being courteous and prompt with his deliveries. As such, he was lavished with home-baked goods, bottles of wine and gift cards as he made his final rounds.

The mailman's final stop of the day was at the house of a wealthy lawyer, who had always treated the mailman like garbage. When he rang the doorbell, however, it was the lawyer's gorgeous wife, dressed in a revealing negligee, who answered the door. Wordlessly, she led him to the upstairs bedroom where they had the most amazing sex the mailman had ever had in his life.

As he was about to leave, the lawyer's wife handed him a crumpled one dollar bill. "What was that all about?" he asked.

"Well, last night when I asked my husband what we should do for you, he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar.'"


UPS man walks up to a house... deliver a package. Before he can, a child about 10 years old opens the door in his mothers heels, dads suit-coat, lipstick, drinking scotch and smoking a cigar. The mail-man, in complete awe, asks "Kid, are your parents home?! and the child replies, "What the fuck do you think?!"


A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back on and the woman hands him a single dollar. Confused he asks "what's the dollar for?".

The woman says "well I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for christmas and he said 'screw him, give him a dollar'".


Mailman's last day of work.

It's the mailman's last day on the job, he goes to a woman's house and she invites him in, makes loves to him, makes him a wonderful breakfast and then gives him 5 dollars.

Mailman: 'What was that for?'

Woman: 'Well I asked my husband what to do for you on your last day and he said, "Screw him, give him 5 dollars." The breakfast was my idea!'


Mailman's last day on the job

A mailman is on his last day of the job after 20 years delivering the mail on the same route. He is going about his regular routine, when he is greeted at the door by a stunning blonde. She's wearing nothing more than a skimpy robe and beckons him inside. Without a word she leads him up the stairs and into the bedroom and proceeds to give him the best sex of his life. After they both get dressed, she takes his hand and leads him downstairs. There is a gourmet meal prepared on the table and she pulls out a chair and indicates for him to sit down. Without a word he sits and they eat until they cannot eat another bite. He finishes eating and slumps back in his chair. The woman stands up and walks over to him, slipping a $1 bill in his front pocket. Bewildered the man finally asks "What in the world is all of this for?". The woman responds, "I heard it was your last day and asked my husband what we should do for you. He said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea".


I'm really excited for the AMA with the mailman tomorrow

I'm sure OP will deliver


Wet Mail

A man one morning walks out to his mailbox to get his mail. He opens the door, reaches in, and he can feel that the mail is all wet. He gets very upset that his mail is soggy and ruined. He flags down the mailman who has not made it very far and asks..

"Whats the deal with the wet mail?!"

The mailman stone faced looks back at the man and says

"It's because there is Postage Dew."


A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery


A mailman walks up to a house...

He sees a pig with a wooden leg. When the owner answers the door, the mailman asks why the pig has a wooden leg.

"Well, you see, that pig is a life-saver."

"That doesn't explain why he has a wooden leg."

"A couple nights ago, our house caught on fire. That pig dragged every one out of the house- even the dog."

"Okay, but that still doesn't explain the leg."

"Well, with a pig that great, you can't eat him all at once!"


Something disturbing came in the mail today... mailman.


This guy walks up to his wife one day

This guy walks up to his wife one day, grabs her butt, and says "you know if this was firmer, you could get rid of your shapewear panties." His wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. The next day, the guy grabs his wife's breasts and says, "you know if these were firmer, you could get rid of your bra." Again, his wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. Later that night, they're laying in bed and the wife rolls over and grabs her husbands penis and says, "you know if this was firmer, we could get rid of the Mailman, the Garbage man, and your brother."


Knock knock.... Me: Who's there? Mailman: The mailman Me: The mailman, who?

Mailman: do you want your package or not?


a kid is looking for a whore with aids. it takes him a while but than he finds one and have sex with her

after the sex the whore asks: "i can't stand not knowing, why did you wanted a whore with aids?" the kid says: "its simple. when i come home from school i have sex with the babysitter, and when dad comes home he have sex with the babysitter, when mom comes home she have sex with dad, and when the mailman arrives she have sex with the mailman. and he is the son of a bitch who stepped on my frog!"


Little Johnny had an old coffee can

The mailman saw Little Johnny sitting on the sidewalk with an old coffee can. He asked, "What do you have in that can there?"

Little Johnny replied, "Dog shit."

The mailman asked, "What are you going to do with a can full of dog shit?

Little Johnny answered, "I'm gonna make me a mailman!"

The mailman got pissed off and told a cop that there was a little kid causing trouble. The cop walked over to Little Johnny and asked, "What ya got in that can?"

Little Johnny replied, "Dog shit."

The cop asked, "Oh yeah? What're you gonna do with that?"

Little Johnny said, "I'm gonna make me a mailman."

The cop taunted, "Oh, you don't have the balls to tell me you're gonna make a cop?"

Little Johnny replied, "Nah, I'd need way more dog shit for that."


A little girl writes a Christmas letter to Santa

"Dear Santa, I want a fur coat and a scarf for Christmas." She goes to the post office and sends the letter. Next day the postman reads the letter and decides to give the girl a scarf for christmas. After christmas the postman gets another letter: " Santa, thanks for the scarf, but i bet the mailman took the coat!"


What would you call the mailman if he got fired?

I don't know, just some dude.


How do you make a mailman sad?

Heehee...You kill his entire family.


What did one mailman say to the other mailman?

Nothing, carrots can't talk.


Mailman's last day on the job.

After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.

When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.

At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.

At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.

When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"


A boy is told by a classmate that every adult has at least one big secret

A boy is told by a classmate that every adult has at least one big secret and that it is easy to blackmail them by saying: I know the whole truth.

When the boy comes home he decides to test this, so he goes to his mother and says: I know the whole truth.
The mother gives him $20 and says: Take this and go just don't tell your father anything.

Next, the boy goes to his father and says: I know the whole truth.
The father gives his son $40 and says: Take this and go just don't tell your mother anything.

The next day on the way to school the boy sees the mailman and says to him: I know the whole truth.
The mailman responds: Then come give your daddy a big hug!


A mailman is working his last day after 20 years of faithful service to a neighborhood.

When he delivers the mail to the first house, the man comes out, hives him some fine cigars and says "So long, I'm really going to miss you."
When he goes to the next house, the woman there comes out and gives him a bottle of fine wine. She too is very sorry to see him go, and tells him she'll miss him. When he comes over to the next house, a beautiful women answers the door, bare naked. She beckons him upstairs and makes the most passionate love to him that he has ever had. She then takes him downstairs and gives him the best breakfast he has ever had. When he's clearing his plate, he notices a dollar bill under the plate. He then says to the woman "This is very nice and all, but I have to ask what this is all about?"

She says "Actually, it was my husbands idea. When I asked him what we should do for you on your last day of work, he said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.


Theory vs Reality

Little Billy had a homework assignment to compare theory and reality. The boy asked his father what the difference was between theory and reality. His father told him, 'Go ask your mother if she would have sex with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his mother and she says she would. Billy tells his father she would have sex with the mailman for million dollars.

The father then tells the boy, 'Now go as your sister if she would have sex with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his sister and she to says she would have sex with the mailman.

Little Billy goes and tells his father both his mom and his sister would have sex with the mailman and his father says, "Well son, in theory we're multimillionaires, but in reality we live with a couple of whores.


A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."


Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."


A mailman is working his last day on a route he's been doing for 20 years

He gets to the first house and a man greets him at the door with a very expensive bottle of wine and thanks him for his service. He arrives at the next house and is greeted by the entire family with a box of Cuban cigars and everyone wishes him a happy retirement.

He arrives at the third house where he is greeted by a gorgeous blonde with see through lingerie on. She leads him upstairs where they make love for an hour. When they're done she takes him downstairs where she cooks him a breakfast of pancakes,eggs and squeezed orange juice. As he's eating she gives him a card with $20 in it.

He's overwhelmed by all this and asks why. The blonde tells him You've been an amazing mailman over the years and when I heard you were retiring I asked my husband what we should do for you. He replied"Fuck him. Give him $20" The Breakfast was my idea


Little Johnny

The mailman saw little Johnny sitting on the side of the street with an old coffee can

Mailman: What do you have in that can there?

Johnny: dog shit

Mailman: what're you gonna do with a can full of dogshit?

Johnny: I'm gonna make me a mailman

Peeved the mailman walks over to the town police officer and tells him what Johnny had said and asks the cop
to go ask to get the same results

So the cop walks over to Johnny

Cop: Hey Johnny what'd ya got in that can?

Johnny: dogshit

Cop: oh yeah? What are you gonna do with that dogshit?

Johnny: I'm gonna make me a mailman

Cop: oh you don't have the balls to tell me you're gonna make a cop?

Johnny: No, I just don't have enough dogshit.


A mailman is baffled at how to mail a letter addressed "to the greatest drummer in the world."

So what is he supposed to do? He's gotta send it. He hoofs it back to the post office, and shows it to his boss. The boss says, "come on man, send it to Chick Webb." So he does.

Chick Webb, the bandleader from Baltimore, sees the letter on his kitchen table and says, "Jesus! That can't be for me. I'm good, but come on. That's gotta be for Gene Krupa." He scribbles out his name, puts in Krupa's address, and sends it on.

Krupa gets a call on his tour of Europe, his housecleaner is calling to tell him he has a letter addressed to the greatest drummer in the world. Krupa, ever a soul of modesty, says, "Hell no, that is NOT for me. You go out and mail that letter to Buddy Rich."

A few days later, Buddy Rich gets the letter. Now you know Buddy Rich. The guy is insane. He's the top of the line. He's a black belt in karate, and he never hesitates to use it on fellow players if they screw up. His drumming is astounding. His groove is unparallelled. He takes one look at the letter and says, "you better believe that's for me!"

Buddy rips it open and begins to read. It says, "Dear Ringo..."


Little Johnny Has A Question

A boy comes home from school one day looking for his father. He has an assignment that he needs a little help with. He finds his father and tells him that he has to write a paper explaining the difference between potentially and actually.

His father says to him "That's an easy one", "Go upstairs and find your sister; ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000."

So the boy does as he is told. When he comes back down he tells his father what he learned. "She said yes, dad." "So," said his dad "Find your mother, now, and ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000 as well."

The boy does as he is asked, and then returns to his father again.

"She said yes too, dad." "Well, there you go." said the dad.

The boy looked at his father, puzzled.

He smiled, "Potentially we're sitting on a gold mine; but, actually I live with a couple of whores!"


What did the mailman ask his girlfriend?

Will you envelope with me?

(I know its Corny, but it makes me chuckle.)


How do you make a mailman sad?

Murder his entire family.


How do you make a mailman cry?

You kill his family


Something came through my mailbox today

It was the mailman


Why is the mailman bad at sex?

His package cums too quickly


Knock knock.



The retiring mailman.

A mailman have worked for close to 30 years and is soon to retire. Everyone in the neighborhood he works with knows about it.
On his last day, a lady in one of the houses that he frequently drops off the mail to, invited him to come into her house. She cooked him a really nice breakfast, and afterwards invited him upstairs for some sexy time. After the deed is done, she gave him some money too.
The mailman said "what a good deed you have done for me on my last day. What did I do to deserve all this?". The lady said "Well, my husband said on your last day, I should 'cook him a nice breakfast. Also, fuck him, give him some money too'"


Little Johnny is sitting on a sidewalk...

The mailman saw little Johnny sitting on the sidewalk with an old coffee can.

Mailman: What do you have in that can there?
Johnny: Dog shit.
Mailman: What the fuck?


Theres this child who hasn't seen his father………

Theres this kid. He hasn't seen his father in forever. But one day he gets a letter

The letter was from his father. The mailman stayed with the boy hoping to see a glint of joy. The boys mother put her hand on the boys shoulder. The boy opened the letter. His eyes never left the paper. In about 8 minutes the boy said "oh my god.

I can't read."



You've red some of the best mailman jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 43 puns about mailman. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty mailman gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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