mail Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mail puns

I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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How can you tell if an envelope is gay?

It comes in the mail.

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It's crazy how sexist the postal service is.

I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

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My Dad has the heart of a lion

and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice

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Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

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Guess what came in the mail today

I did, I ran out of tissue.

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Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office?

Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.

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My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.

Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.

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How does Voldemort seal his mail?

With his Parceltongue. (...I'll see myself out)

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Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

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I mailed you a joke from 12 miles away at 43,200 miles per hour.

It might take a second for you to get it.

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Who decided to call it "Sending a dick pic"

Instead of "Junk Mail"

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What do you call a slutty UPS driver?

A mail escort

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As a mailman, I have a lot of jokes about undelivered letters.

But people just don't seem to get them.

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Why do feminists hate the US Postal Service?

Because it is a mail dominated industry

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What's the manliest job a man could do?

Mail man.

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Before phones were invented

Were dick pics called junk mail?

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Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...

...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.

Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

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families

so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mail man and said i know the whole truth the mail man said " then come and give your real father a big hug.

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This guy walks up to his wife one day

This guy walks up to his wife one day and grabs her breast, he says " if these were firmer, you could get rid of your bra." the wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. The next day, the husband comes up to his wife and grabs her butt, and says, "If this was firmer, you could get rid of your pantyhose." the wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. Later that night, they're laying in bed, and the wife rolls over and grabs her husband's dick, and says " if this was firmer, we could get rid of the garbage man, the mail man, and your brother."

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I got a job with the Postal Service

So I could tell people I'm a mail escort.

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GUESS WHO!?

It's Monday morning and the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.


"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman comments.


David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got very drunk and around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?"


The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.


The postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up 7 times."

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I was so happy when I got my new thesaurus in the mail. But when I opened it, every page was blank!

Damn.

I have no words to describe how upset I am.

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I got fired from my mail route today.

They said I wasn't picking up people's mail. I should have seen it coming though, there were red flags everywhere.

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Last day of the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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The postman retires

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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"Mildred, are you putting on weight?"

Lady of the House, "Mildred, are you putting on weight?"
Maid, "Well, to tell you the truth Madam, I am pregnant." Lady, "OH DEAR! How ever did you get your self in such condition?"
Maid, "Well Madam it started when I ordered a vibrator through the mail."
Lady, "Goodness! You didn't use that dreadful thing did you?"
Maid, "No Madam, the mail man talked me out of it."

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So I ordered a sex toy online.

It was so good, even the mail came.

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I used to work in a recording studio. My boss always told me the three biggest lies in the music industry are ......

1: The check's in the mail.
2: We can fix it in post.
3: Don't worry, I won't cum in your mouth.

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Did you hear about the guy from Prague wearing armor?

The Czech's in the mail.

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Two women are talking and the conversation veers towards work...

One of them says to the other:

"Work is great! The jobs are challenging, my coworkers are supportive and the pay is phenomenal. But there is one problem. The mail boy is constantly flirting with me and its borderline harrasment now."

"Well, what did he say?"

"Its just the one thing, everytime he passes by me he compliments me on how wonderful my hair smells."

"That doesnt sound too bad."

"Yeah, but hes a dwarf!"

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The mailman

A mailman gets a new route in a rural community. Walking up to a isolated little farmhouse, he sees a woman out back getting hammered by a goat.

He looks at the kid sitting on the porch, and asks him "Hey kid, doesn't it bother you, what your mom's doing back there?"

The kid looks at him and says "NAAAAAAA!"

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In light of Google becoming Alphabet, Gmail will be replaced with "Alpha Mail."

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Turning 40

When my best friend turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail: UB40.


2 months later, on my 40th, I received a CD in the mail from him: U2.

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A marine received a letter from his girlfriend

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan when he received a letter from his girlfriend. She said she fell in love with his best friend while he was gone, and that she didn't want him to come back to her. The marine did what any other man would do. He went around to all of his buddies and collected all of the unwanted pictures of women (with clothes and without clothes). After he had about 2 dozen pictures, he mailed them to his ex with a letter attached that said, "I don't remember which one you are. Take the pictures of you and please mail the rest back."

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What are the most funny Mail jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mail? Well, here are the best Mail dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mail pick up lines to share with friends.

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