Magic Lamp Jokes

Three men stranded on an island.
They were walking across the sand when they came across a magic lamp; they rubbed the lamp and out came a genie.
The genie said "you have three wishes but make it quick."
So they thought about what they were going to wish for.
The one man said, "I wish I was at home with my family."
So the genie said your wish is my command, and he was gone, then the second man said
"I wish I was in the pub with my mates."
So he was gone.
The last man said, "I am lonely and I want my friends back."

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

Inside the paper bag

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
9" high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting
it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only
allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want
A million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed
by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"No kidding!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?"

A guy walks into a bar...

and takes a seat. After ordering a beer, he pulls out a little 10 inch man playing a matching piano, and sets it on the bar.
The guy next to him says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! Where did you get that?"
He replies, "I got it from my genie, you just have to rub this magic lamp."
He then hands the guy the lamp, he rubs it, and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "You may have one wish!"
The guy, all excited, says, "I want a million bucks!"
Genie says, "Your wish is my command". He waves his arms, and one million ducks start flying through the bar.
The guy, confused and a little upset, yells, "Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!?"
Guy who gave him the lamp says, "Yeah, you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"

Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit both live in the woods. The two have been friends for as long as they can remember; they go everywhere with each other and do everything together.
One day, as they wander the woods, they find a magic genie lamp. They eagerly rub the lamp and out comes a genie. He says in a deep voice, "I am the all-powerful genie, and I can grant anything you desire. Unfortunately, I am only allowed to grant three wishes."
The bear immediately decides that he gets two of the wishes, and the rabbit, being the smaller and weaker of the two, is left with only one.
The bear first says, "I wish all of the female bears in the world loved me," to which the genie says, "It is done." He then states, "I wish I was the only male bear in all the forest," to which the genie once again replies, "It is done."
The rabbit who has been sitting on the side the whole time has been getting angry with his old friend the bear. When the genie asks him his wish, he refuses to be outdone.
He says, "For my wish, I wish the bear was gay."

The bear and the rabbit

A rabbit is minding his own business when a random bear comes and treat ens to eat the rabbit. The bear chases the rabbit until they find a magic lamp and they decide to rub it together. The expected gene appears and let's them both have 3 wishes each. The bear goes first and says " I wish for all the other bears in the forest to be females" and it was done. The rabbit then wishes for a lifetime supply of carrots at his house and it is granted. The bear then says " I want all the other bears in the country to be female" and it is granted. The rabbit's second wish is for a rabbit sized motorcycle and it is granted. Now the bear very confused about why the rabbit is wishing for such small things says " And for my last wish, I want all the other bears in the world to be female!". The gene grants the wish. The rabbit then says with a smile on his face "I wish that bear was gay." then drives off in his motorcycle.

A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse

A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and change onto the bar.
"That should cover it." (s)he says. As the (wo)man walks away, the bartender counts it out and to her surprise, it's the exact total of the bill. Looking back up, she sees that the (wo)man has returned. (S)He once again reaches into his/her pocket and pulls out exactly 20% of the bill before tax.
"There ya go, sorry about that." (s)he says.

The bartender asks, "Mind if I ask you about the exact change and the ostrich(horse)?

"You see," (s)he says, "A long time ago, I was an archaeologist. While in arabia, I discovered a magical lamp with a genie inside who granted me 3 wishes. The first, obviously, was for eternal youth and fitness. Second, unlimited wealth- any time I buy something, I just reach into my pocket and pull out the exact amount of money. The third, well, the third wish was for a tall, youthful, long-legged(well-endowed) chick(stud) who would always stick by my side and share my interests."

There was a bear and a rabbit.

There was a bear and a rabbit walking through the woods, right, and they found a magic lamp. Since it was dirty they decided to clean it. So when they were done with that a magic genie came out of the lamp. So the genie was like "I shall grant you both three wishes since you both found me." So the bear went first and said "I wish I was the sexiest bear in the forest", so the genie obliged. Next the rabbit went and he said "I wish I had a motorbike." Then for the bear's next wish he said "I wish all the female bears had the hots for me." So now all the girls loved this guy. Next the rabbit went and he said "I wish I had motorbike gear." And so now he had motorbike gear. The bear went next and he said "I wish all the other male bears were gone", and so he became the only male bear in the forest. The rabbit got on his motorbike and started to ride off. "What of your last wish, master.", and the rabbit said, for his third and final wish, "I wish the bear was gay".

The secret to women

A man is walking down a beach in California, when he stumbles across a magic lamp
A genie appears from the lamp and says, "Thank you sir for freeing me, in return i will grant you one wish."
The man replies "I have always wanted to walk the beaches of Hawaii, but I do not ride planes and the trip by boat is to long. I wish for a highway from California to Hawaii."
The genie looks at the man and replies, "A bridge that size takes to much magic, I am not powerful enough to create a bridge of that magnitude, however I will give you another wish.
The man replies "Fine, I wish to learn the secret to women."
Without skipping a beat the genie says, "Two lanes or four?"

Help me finish a joke?

I don't even know if this is the right place for this, but I'll try it and see what happens...
This sounds ridiculous, but here goes. In a dream last night, I told a joke. I don't exactly remember all of it, and woke up towards the end. But I like the setup. Please take a look at the part that I'm able to remember and add your own interpretation. Feel free to change anything you need in order to make the joke better.
Also, if there's a better place for me to post this, please let me know.
Here's what I remember...
Three ducks are out swimming, heading "somewhere", when they come across a magic lamp. The first duck rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The first duck asks the genie for a quicker way to reach "somewhere". With a clap of the genie's hands, a rowboat appears in the lake.
The ducks row for a while, but they get tired. The second duck rubs the lamp, and again, the genie pops out. The second duck says the boat is nice, but asks for a quicker way to get "somewhere". Again, the genie claps his hands, and an outboard motor appears at the back of the rowboat. They fire up the motor and get moving.
That's what I remember telling in the dream. I'm just curious what you all can come up with based on that. Change whatever you like, but would appreciate if we could keep the ducks, the genie, and the rowboat please. Thanks for reading.

Tissues

There was once a really wealthy lady in Persia. People believed she knew black magic. Curious, the Shah sent over one of his advisors:
Advisor: So how is it that you amassed all this wealth?
Lady: When I was 13 my Uncle gave me a funny looking lamp..
Advisor: ..a magical one?
Lady: Indeed. So I rubbed it, like he told me..
Advisor: ..Aah, and a genie appeared?
Lady: Indeed.
Advisor: And you asked for all the wealth you have?
Lady: No. Just tissues.. The wealth I got from his will.

A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach

He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."

3 Wishes

A young couple are walking along the beach when the come across a man sitting atop a giant hill of money, surrounded by beautiful women fawning over him. Upon closer inspection they see that the man has a horrific looking giant melon shaped head.
The young man and his girlfriend are intrigued and approach the man and ask "Hey what's going on here?"
The man looks down at them and says, "I was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie came out and granted me three wishes." The couple look at each other and back at the man and ask "What were the wishes?" The man says "Well, first I asked for more wealth than I could ever spend" and he motions to the pile of money he's sitting atop. "Then, I wished to be surrounded by beautiful women who love me" he points at all the beautiful women surrounding him.
The couple look amazed. "And for your third wish?" The man looks at them and says "A GIANT MELON SHAPED HEAD."

Three blondes stuck on an island

The blondes a find a magic lamp. Out of the lamp pops a genie who agrees to grant each of the blondes a wish.
The first blonde requests to be smarter so she can find a way off of the island. The genie grants the wish and the first blonde becomes a red head and swims off of the island.
The second blonde wishes to be smarter then the previous blonde so the genie grants the wish. The second blonde is now a brunette and makes a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde not wanting to be out done requests to be even smarter. The genie grants the wish of the final blonde and turns her into a man who procedes to walk across the bridge off of the island.
*I know it is sexist it is an old joke don't flood my inbox

A government worker was sitting at his desk at the Capitol...

when he received a package. He opened it, and found that there was an ancient lamp in it. Recalling stories of magic lamps, he rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes, but be careful what you wis-"
"Give me a hundred billion dollars!" The man interrupted.
The genie snapped his fingers, and the man was instantly surrounded by stacks of hundred dollar bills.
The man cried, "Bring me to my own private island with hundreds of supermodels!"
The genie snapped his fingers, and there on the island they were. The government worker was thinking of his third wish when he got a text from his boss.
Groaning, the man said to the genie, "I don't want to do any work in my life."
The genie snapped his fingers, and the man was back at his desk.

Three England fans on their way to the world cup fin a magic lamp..

Three England fans on their way to the world cup find a magic lamp on the road, the first one picks it up and a genie comes out!
"England fans?!" says the genie, puzzled at how they made it to the world cup.. "Well I guess you get one wish each like everyone else. What do you choose?"
The first England fan blurts out, "Rooney! I want Wayne Rooney to break his World Cup curse and finally score!"
"Done" says the genie.
The second England fan thinks for a second and says, "our captain, Stevie G, he usually under performs, I want to see him play for England like he did for Liverpool this season."
"Done" says the genie.
The third fan says, "Guys, you aren't thinking big enough! We have got a real chance here - I want England to play like Spain!!!"
"Done" says the genie, and vanishes.

A lucky 95 year old grandpa found Alaadin magic lamp in his attic.

After he touched it, a genie came out and said, "since it Christmas time, you may ask ONLY ONE wish." Grandpa thought for a bit and said: oh ya, can you build me a bridge from the NY city to London, across the atlantic. Genie replied, "come on grandpa, that's a hassle for me, and it is cold in the Atlantic now, pick an easier wish."
Grandpa paused for a second and said.. Oh ya! Can you make my wife young and hot like those TV supermodels. Genie replied: "Of course! that's a super easy task. How old is your wife?" Grandpa replied, "90, and here is a picture of her now!" Genie replied, "Awesome!!! Would you like the bridge one lane or two lanes?"

A man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs it and a genie comes out and say "hello! You have found my lamp and I shall grant you one wish. Perhaps the one thing you want most in life." The man thinks and responds "well, I've really wanted to go to Hawaii so I want you to build a bridge from San Diego to Hawaii." The genie responds "that's impossible! Think about the logistics! How would the supports reach the bottom on the ocean? Who would maintain it? No, ask for something else." So the man thinks again and says "well, I've been divorced 4 times and my current marriage isn't going well so I just want to be able to understand what is going on in my wife's mind, just to be able to understand her more." The genie responds "do you want a two lane highway or four."

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island...

Three blonde women are stuck on a desert island when they find a magical lamp with a genie inside.
I have three wishes to offer, says the genie, so that makes it one wish for each of you.
I want to be smart enough to get off this island, says the first blonde. She becomes a redhead, builds a small raft and sails off the island.
I want to be even smarter than her, says the second blonde. She becomes a brunette, builds a comfortable sailing boat, and sails off the island.
I want to be the smartest, says the third blonde. She becomes a man and crosses the bridge.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch man playing the piano

So the guy walks up to the bartender and asks where did you find a guy that's a foot tall and can play the piano?
Bartender: I wished for him
Guy: yeah, like I'm gonna believe that
Bartender: no seriously, here you make a wish
So the bartender hands the man a magical genie lamp, and all of the sudden a million ducks appear out of nowhere.
Guy: what is this I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks
Bartender: and you think I wished for a 12inch pianist.

A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.
"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.
The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter. "I just rubbed the lamp and made a wish. Wanna try?"
The bartender eagerly nods and rubs the lamp and suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks.
"Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks" the bartender yelled.
"Ya", the man replied "you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"