Magic Jokes
161 magic jokes and hilarious magic puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about magic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover hilarious magic jokes and flirty puns made by Dini and Mage the magical Labracadabrador. Check out magical jokes for sale and a whole lot more. Tickle your funny bone with the best magic jokes!
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Funniest Magic Short Jokes
Short magic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The magic humour may include short wizard jokes also.
- Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money - I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you" The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
- A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree The lumberjack smiled, and you will dialogue .
- A Genie grants a wish. I met a magical Genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you.
The Genue saud, "Weurd wush but U wull grant ut." - Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.
- A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree.. Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack. - I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my Magic 8-Ball and it said Outlook not good!
- Chinese magican Did you hear about the Chinese Magican who did magic with Chocolate?
I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve. - Did you hear about the man who was obsessed with magic mushrooms? He was known as the fun guy … 🍄
- Did you know that drinking the fluid in a magic 8-ball will let you see the future? I actually have a friend who tried it. He said "I'm going to die" and he was right.
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Magic One Liners
Which magic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with magic? I can suggest the ones about illusion and craft.
- I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me... Outlook not so good.
- What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador
- I got a free iPad and iPhone today. It's like... this gun is magic!!!
- What do you call a magician without the magic? Ian
- What do you call a Labrador who does Magic? Labrakadabrador
- What are the magic words you say to get what you want? I'm offended
- Me : Shaking a magic 8 ball.. "Will my vision ever get better??"
Coconut : - Hey, Magic 8-Ball. Why can't I check my work email? "Outlook not so good."
- What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic? A Juand
- I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera Its like this gun has magic
- My dog can do magic tricks... He's an Abracadabrador.
- Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field.
- Baby monitors are magical When I turn it off my baby stops crying
- My Wife and I were blissfully happy for 25 magical years.. .. and then we met.
- What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
Magic Lamp Jokes
Here is a list of funny magic lamp jokes and even better magic lamp puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Forrest gump finds a magic lamp he rubs it, and out pops "a Jennay."
- What do you call it when someone breaks magic lamps? Geniecide
- What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation
- A man finds a magic lamp The genie inside tells the man he will grant him three wishes.
The man says "I wish I only had two wishes."
"Granted." - A mental question I'd have if I were to find a magic lamp and wish for a new car Lamp or Genie...?
- I once found a magic lamp and rubbed it... ...a genie came
- A man found a magic lamp.. And he didn't rub it.
- Once Chuck Norris rubbed a magical lamp, nothing came out.
The genie ain't s**....
Magic Trick Jokes
Here is a list of funny magic trick jokes and even better magic trick puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My 9-year old told this one today. What does snoop dogg say after performing a magic trick? Ta da da da da
- So a magician on a cruise night has a show every night... NOTSONINJA
- A Mexican magician was performing a magic trick. He counted Uno, Dos, and vanished without a Tres.
- I do magic tricks for blind people. And yes, it's as easy as you'd think.
- My friend decided to take up magic during COVID and he performs some pretty amazing disappearing tricks. He says it's been hard but really… I think he's just going through a stage.
- Yo momma is so fat… When she does magic tricks she vanishes into thick air
- What do you say when a magic trick blows your mind? Abrakadamn bruh!
- I was watching a magic show and the magician cut a donkey into two parts. Honestly, it was a pretty half-assed trick.
- I told my son to watch our car carefully, I was going to do a magic trick with it Sure enough, it turned into a driveway.
- A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, dos… and he disappeared without a trace.
Magic Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny magic day jokes and even better magic day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- [OC] My kids seem to magically only get sick on school days...and quite a lot of them. It's like they've got weekend immune systems.
- If seducing someone is referred to as pelvic sorcery Does that mean for a few days a month it's classed blood magic?
- Father's Day gift joke!! What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
A labracadabrador!! - [Day 31] Finally i mastered the time-reversing magic [Day 30] i may have a problem here
- I heard about the story of the magical dock The story goes that the dock was never built by anyone, but one day, it just apiered
- So Boxing Day, its a magical time of year, when companies send you amazing emails with pictures of all the stuff you just brought from them, at half price.
- I saw a magic car the other day... It turned into a garage!
- I got $20000 in one day. Almost like this gun is magic!
- Ceremonial magic isn't about making magic. It's about making magic take all day.
- Thank god Justin Bieber is still alive You still have a few more days 2016, do your magic
Magic Johnson Jokes
Here is a list of funny magic johnson jokes and even better magic johnson puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Kobe was one of the best Lakers players of all time But Magic Johnson was definitely the most positive.
- There's nothing scarier then a mosquito coming out of Magic Johnson's house
- That's magic... I saw Magic Johnson yesterday, so I shook his hand and said, "How do you
do, Magic?"
He replied, "No idea , basketball's more my thing." - What does Magic Johnson and Taylor Swift have in common? They both have bad blood.
- How did the cheerleader get magic AIDS? A Magic Johnson.
- Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.
- Why does Magic Johnson love the life he lives? Because he went from Negative to Positive.
- So Magic Johnson is now the President of Basketball Operations for the Lakers... And apparently it was out of line for me to ask if he is running it on his own or if he has aids.
- Magic Johnson walks into the mirror portion of a fun house... Visual Aids.
- Girl do you play basketball? Because I hear you can make Magic with my Johnson.
Flirty Magic Jokes
Here is a list of funny flirty magic jokes and even better flirty magic puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
Uproarious Magic Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about magic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean medicine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make magic pranks.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
If the Klu Klux k**... leaders are wizard, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!
The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.
My magical watch just told me you aren't wearing any p**....
Oh, you are? Hmmmmm...must be an hour off...
Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now?
Yea, he was doing Magic.
The Magic Mirror
In this public toilet, there's this magic mirror. Whenever you say something untruthful you disappear.
A red head walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the best legs in the world" and puff...she's gone.
Next a brunette walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the most sexist eyes" and puff...she's gone
Finally a blonde walks into the toilets and says "I think..." and puff she's gone!
I wish....
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
A little boy wants his toy,
A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.
The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in.
When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?"
"No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?"
"Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"
This woman stumbled upon something called "magic underwear"...
... She asked the manager, "What's magic about them?"
The man replied, "Well, if you wear it, you won't get pregnant!"
The woman bought the underwear but came back a few weeks later.
"You said that I won't get pregnant! It doesn't even work!" The woman lashed out at the manager.
The manager said to her, "Of course it does, miss."
"Then explain to me why I'm pregnant."
The manager simply replied, "Did you take it off?"
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer?
He picked up the hammer and saw.
A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach
He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."
Two magicians were walking down the street...
one turned into a store.
Two magicians walk into a bakery
The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclaims "Ta-Dah." The bakery is angered and asks "Well what's the magic trick?" The second magician replies "Look in my friend's pocket."
My dad's a magician
Bob: What does your father do for a living?
Joe: He's a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
A magician tells his audience that he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says "uno... Dos..." And then vanishes.
He disappeared without a tres.
If you know an Arab, you don't have to steal...
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."
A hispanic magician was performing a magic trick
The magician said that he could make himself disappear within 3 seconds! So, he waves his cape in front of his face and says "uno, dos!" and just like that, he disappeared without a tres!
A magician was driving down the road when suddenly...
He turned into a driveway!
A magician walks into a gay bar
and disappears with a p**....
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
Three ladies.
Three ladies went out to the flee market. A blonde, a redhead and a brunette. They found a magic mirror that told them this "each of you has to say something about herself, if it's true I'll grant you a wish but if it's false I'll kill you ". The ladies agreed, and the redhead said "i have the cutest boyfriend" and the mirror killed her. The brunette said "i have the prettiest car " and the mirror killed her. And the blonde said "wait I'm thinking " and the mirror killed her.
Fin.
A Spanish magician is at a party
He begins his trick for the birthday girl, grabbing a handful of magic sprinkle dust. He then begins to count, "uno, dos," p**....
He disappeared without a tres.
A Mexican performs a magic trick.
He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." and then *p**...* … he disappeared without a tres!
A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And p**...! She was a smartphone!
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six.
One Slytherin to break it.
One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.
Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.
And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.
What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?
A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow.
You **sick** b**....
Having s**... without a c**... is like magic.
A baby appears and the father disappears.
The girl I'm dating just said those three magic words.
"I am infertile."
A Mexican magician said he was going to do a magic trick.
"Uno, dos..." *p**...* he disappeared without a tres.
The dating scene at Hogwarts must really s**....
Since every girl there has a magic wand, they don't really need the boys at all.
The magic word
Daughter: Dad, do I get a new Iphone?
Dad: What's the magic word?
Daughter: Larissa!
Dad: Larissa??
Daughter: yes, your affair!
Dad: Do you want a cover with your Iphone too?
What do you call a magic car?
A Lambor-Genie
What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?
My lands!
A magician lost a leg during his performance.
The audience was suprised he could pull it off.
Magic carpet
A blonde , a brunette and a red head walk into a carpet store and spot a talking magic carpet.
It spoke, "if you step on me and lie, you will disappear with a p**...!"
The brunette steps on first and says, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in town."
She vanished with a p**...!
The red head steps on the carpet and says, "I think I'm the smartest girl in town."
She vanished with a p**...!
The blonde steps on the carpet and says, "I think-"
She vanished with a p**...!
There was a magical young lady, eating lunch in the desert
It was a sandwich
A magician says to his audience...
A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.
There is a magic mirror that will make anyone who lies disappear.
First, an old lady stands before it and tells herself, "I think I look young." And *p**...* she vanishes.
Next, an ugly woman looks at her reflection and says, "I think I am beautiful." And *p**...* she also disappears.
Then, a blonde woman takes her turn with the mirror. "I think..." and *p**...* she's gone.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut down a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, No! Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, And you will dialogue!"
The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...
So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.
If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 ball
You can see the future. My brother did and immediately looked at me, said he was going to die, and then he died
Why do Magic: The Gathering players love Michelle Obama?
She's a first edition Black Flotus
What do you call a magician who doesn't do magic?
Ian
I got a new iPhone, some w**... and $2000 just today.
It's like this gun is magic
A magician gets himself a parrot for his act
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Magician: I can make anything disappear!
Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.
Magician: (waves hand) Done!
om: (looks in cup) It didn't work.
watching the US government deal with the Coronavirus is like watching the Ministry of Magic deal with Voldemort's return.
change my mind.
What do you call a magician before he learn magic?
Ian
If the Klu Klux k**... leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".
Genie: Wait, what? Why?
Man: It's for a joke, trust me.
Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?
Man: Yes.
Burger King: Have it your way.
Magician mugging
I got mugged by a magician the other day. He pulled a knife on me, but what was weird is that it was behind my ear the whole time.
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
A couple had been married for 35 years,
the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.
A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.
Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.
So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.
Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire.
For her final wish she asks the genie for a MMA fighter to beat her half to death!
So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...
**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.
**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.
**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?
**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.
**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?
The genie of the lamp
Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »
An Englishman a Scotsman and a Irishman are trapped on a deserted island
One day a magic lamp washes up on shore. After rubbing the lamp a genie appears and promises them a wish each.
The Englishman says "I wish I was back at my favourite pub in London drinking beer with my mates". The genie wisks him away.
The Scotsman says "I wish I was back in Edinburgh drinking a bottle of whisky making love to my wife". The genie again wisks him away.
The Irishman is left and says "It's a bit lonely here now I wish my two mates were back here with me".
A man walks into a magic forest
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says, I will grant you three wishes, but there are some rules. No wishing for more wishes, wishing for immortality, or wishing to bring someone back from the dead.
The man says, Ok, I wish to not die a v**....
The genie replies, I already told you, no wishing for immortality.
What do you call a magician who looses his magic?
Ian :)
This guy had a magic door
This guy had a magic door in his house. Whenever he wanted he could open the door and step into a magic world where he was the only human in. Since he was alone in this magic world he was like the king and he could do whatever he wanted to. There was no wife to throw chores at him, no kids nagging and fighting, no dog he needs to take on a walk - no one. He was alone to do as he pleases for as long as he wanted to until his legs get numb and he has to flush down the water and get back to reality.
